Move On and Break Down
Chapter Ten
May 2008
I do not need to see her.
Logan tells himself this every five minutes. He doesn't even try the lie: I do not want to see her.
He knows he wants to and he also knows its probably better if he stays away.
All day long, Logan works hard to keep his focus on anything else but Maxie. Still, like a moth, she flutters around inside of his head. The feeling is eerily familiar- it was just like this for him when they made the sex bet. He didn't want to want her. Yet he did. And the wanting only grew stronger with each passing second back then until what was right and wrong no longer mattered a bit, till Coop and Lulu became afterthoughts in the whole scheme of things, and Logan knew he would destroy everything else he had in this world for the chance to be with Maxie just once.
He's been known to be a very obsessive man when it comes to love. What's his is his and there is no logic that can convince his heart otherwise. Though he keeps trying to convince himself that he's not going to let this thing with Maxie- whatever it is- get to that level, he knows it just a matter of time before it does.
Because there is nothing to stop them this time. There is no Coop to look at them with his trusting eyes-asking them to be better than they ever were born to be. There's nothing that will slow Logan and Maxie down if they unleash all their desires. That fact alone sets his bones rattling.
What in the hell is am I getting myself into? I'm not ready to love her, he thinks to himself, and no matter what she says...that girl is looking for someone to love.
He's sure of it. Cause they are the same. And so far his whole life has been one long endless grasp for love, each time coming up empty handed in the end. He has come up empty so many times, in fact, that he's terrified to reach his hand out again.
Logan resists going to see Maxie for as long as he can, which equals just under twenty hours. But, at least, he finds a good excuse before going to the Crimson offices. Though, if this particular excuse hadn't landed in his lap, he would have drummed up another one because now that he's kissed her again the old familiar addiction is rearing its ugly head. And soon it won't matter if he wants to love her, if he wants to try, if he's ready or not, because the need will overwhelm his willpower. He can feel it building up with every minute that passes, and knows that soon...the dam will break.
God help me...don't let this end in bloodshed.
Not literal blood. The broken hearted kind. He's made up of so many jagged pieces already, there is not much room in him for any more. And Logan doesn't want to be that guy to Maxie...that next guy who leaves her with scars.
He walks off the elevator at Crimson and spots Maxie sitting behind her desk. Since no one else is around he slowly walks up behind her and leans down by her ear "We got to talk."
She looks up at him. "No flowers? Didn't anyone ever teach you day after etiquette?"
"You want to bust my balls, do it later. We got some serious problems."
Maxie stands up and gives him a look that says Don't do this. Don't bring me down. Can't you see I need the opposite right now?
Logan lets out a long breath. He was right. He wasn't gonna be good for her. And yet...he's also getting closer and closer to feeling like he doesn't give a damn...he wants her no matter what. This is why he had stayed so far away from Maxie for months, one taste would never be enough. That's another bad trait of his-one of the many- he's extremely greedy.
XXXXXXXXXXX
For the first day in months, Maxie Jones felt like somewhat closer to real. She was now one part Career Girl, and one part Broken Girl, and one part Recovering Girl. She was a decent mix of herself again and she liked it.
She started the day smiling but when hour after hour passed and Logan didn't call to say Last night was fun. How are you feeling? Maxie started to get ticked.
Still she didn't let that mild annoyance wreck her lovely afterglow. For she had discovered a secret the night before...Logan wasn't just the guy who reminded her most of all she lost, he was also the guy who reminded her most of what she still had. He was her past, and her present. As for the future, she wouldn't dare try to dictate that. She knew better. Making plans was the one sure way to tip God off to what she wanted most...and what Maxie wants most, God has a strange proclivity for ripping away.
Maxie had been planning to go knock on Logan's door when she was done at work, and see if he wanted to hit the Haunted Star with her. She felt like living again, not just pretending to be alive. But he had to come in here instead and start giving her crap from the get go and talk about their problems.
Hell, she thinks Can this man just go one day without being all: The world is ending. Lets slit our wrists right now.
Probably not.
"Since when are you a big talker?" Maxie asks. She moves close to Logan, running her hand up his chest. "I thought you like action."
Her lips hover close to his. He starts to say "I'm serious..."
She whispers "Serious is no fun," as her mouth moves even closer to his, but she doesn't kiss him, instead she waits for him close the gap. Logan pulls her into his arms and devours her mouth with the ferocity of a man on death row whose just been given his last meal. She's the taste he craves most in the world, she knows it and she loves it. It makes her feel powerful, a feeling that she hasn't had since the day the text message killer trapped them on Spoon Island.
Logan is the one who breaks the kiss, with a crooked grin on his lips, he says "You've had your fix. Now listen to me."
"Fine! Since you'll only drive me crazy until I let you whine. What's our big problem now, Logan? Does it rhyme with Moo Moo?"
"What? No. Its got nothing to do with her." He walks over to her computer and clicks open a new window.
"What are you doing? Stop! You're gonna mess up my email to Federico about the fall line! Oh my God, you want to talk serious, Logan? This is serious. This is fashion!"
Maxie beats on his arm but he ignores her until he has the Port Charles Herald website pulled up, then he steps back and points at it.
She sees the picture before she even reads the headline, and a sour feeling churns through her stomach. The article is titled:
Local Doctor Found Slain in Canada
"But he was alive," Maxie breaths out. "I checked."
"Keep reading."
After skimming the article she finds out that Ian was shot to death and tossed in the woods near the bus stop. A local man was walking his dog early this morning and the animal sniffed out the body.
"Well, that's not our problem," she said. "Maybe Jason caught back up with him but if it was Jason, man, was he sloppy. Whatever, though, hit manning is not my thing. So who am I to judge?"
"I doubt it was Jason. Like you said, he wouldn't be much of a mob enforcer if when he made people disappear they didn't really disappear for good. He would have put Ian where nobody found him again. But somebody came along and killed the guy."
"I can't say I'm sad. I really thought Ian was gonna kill me before you showed up."
"You know I didn't kill him and I know you didn't kill him, Maxie. But both our fingerprints will be on his body, our hairs, fibers from our clothes...if anyone drove by and spotted us with him...we could go down for this."
"Mac won't let that happen."
"Your daddy is only police commish of Port Charles, not the world."
"Why are you being like this? You're making it sound like we're headed to Pentonville when no one might ever connect us to Ian. Only you know I ran into him, only I know you came and picked me up. If you trust me and I trust you...we're golden. No one will think to question us if no one knows we were there. Even if someone saw us, they just saw a blonde woman and a dark haired man. How many of those are there in this world? It was pitch black out too...I'm not letting you convince me we're doomed to prison."
"With our luck," Logan says "that's just what will go down."
"You ever seen the uniforms they make you wear in there? There's just no way to make that look cute. Besides, everything that happened was self defense. This time we weren't the guilty ones. All we have to do is keep our mouths shut. Spinelli and Jason certainly won't be running to the cops to mention I was at the bus stop. You're making a big deal out of nothing."
"You better hope you're right."
"Forget about Ian. I refuse to even think about getting pulled into an investigation of his death."
"Not thinking about something doesn't make it disappear, you should know that by now."
Low blow, Maxie silently tells him. She fights hard to not let her hurt show. "Why are trying to pick a fight with me? If you're only here to bring me down then you should just leave."
"So sorry for trying to save your ass from doing life behind bars."
"You're being completely over dramatic, Logan. As usual, with you, the sky is always falling! Don't you know how to just be happy?" Maxie grabs his hand and drags him into Kate's office and then locks the door. Pushing him up against the wall, she presses her body close to his. "Happy? You remember what that feels like right? It was just last night I made you pretty damn happy."
He brings his hands up to cup her face. Softly, he asks, in a low, throaty tone "You want to live in the land of denial, huh, Max?"
"This is the only reality I give a damn about right now," she whispers before bringing her lips to his.
The whole world is filled with reasons for Maxie Jones to be terrified and sad and pissed off...and there's only one way to stem those emotions from consuming her. She's found it now...here in his kisses...and she's not letting Logan take that away from her.
(How can I carry the truth if I can't even crawl to you?
I
wanna feel something
sweeter than this sin.
Cover
me in leaves roll me over again.
I've
been everybody else
now
I want to be Paint me in a
different light.
something closer to myself!
Shed me yet another coat of skin.
Mark me
with ash until I'm clean again.
Cause
I'm so sick and tired
of being sick and tired.
I
know I can love you,
I know that I can)
(Kendall Payne from the soundtrack to Never Been Kissed)