You Can't Love Someone You Don't Trust

Chapter 9

Eli's POV:

Well I did it. I told Clare/Julia everything that had happened. I told her that she wasn't really Julia because Julia had died. I told her that she was Clare and she thought she was Julia. I guess you could say that she took it well. After I told her she said she wanted to be alone, so I got up and left. I went back to the waiting room and fell asleep just like Adam had, on the waiting room chairs. It was an ok sleep I guess you could say, but before I knew it I was woken up by the sound of doctors and nurses in a panic. I got up and walked to the front desk where Doctor Johnson was standing.

Me-"Um, excuse me, Doctor Johnson. What's going on?"

Doctor Johnson-"Well, I was making my morning rounds when I came to Clare's room. When I entered to see how she was feeling she wasn't there."

Me-"What are you talking about?"

Doctor Johnson-"She's gone. We watched over all the security videos and found her leaving the hospital around 3. She was wearing a matching purple jumpsuit."

Me-"I can't believe this. Do you have any idea where she would have went?"

Doctor Johnson-"Well, she did leave you this." He handed me a folded up piece of paper.

Doctor Johnson-"She left this on her bed."

I took the note and opened it. I read it to myself.

~ Clare's Note ~

Dear Eli,

By the time you read this I will be gone. I know that I am nothing but a problem. I need to get away and think about all this. I know you care about Clare and I know you care about me, but I can't keep feeling like this; alone and unloved. I don't know if what you said is true. I don't really know what to believe right now. All I know is that I woke up looking like Clare and feeling like Julia. I'm so confused and everyone keeps telling me that I'm her. I know this may be hard for you to believe but its like I'm Clare and Julia combined together. I look like Clare. I remember memories about both of our lives, but I don't understand how this can be. The last thing I remember before waking up was us having a fight, me riding off in the night on my bike, and getting hit by that car. Then I woke up in the hospital. If I did die like you said then I don't remember it. I know this is difficult, but this is for the best. I'm going to the place where I feel the safest. I don't want you to follow me. All I want you to do is forget about me and move on. Your life has been so complicated and confusing lately. It's time for both of us to move on and try to have a happy life. I wish you the best of happiness.

Love Julia.

Once I was finished reading the note I took off toward the door.

Doctor Johnson-"Eli! Where Are you going?"

Me-"I know where she is."

And with that I ran through the door until I reached Morty. I got in, started him, and drove off. I knew where she was going; she was going to our place. I was in drifting thoughts when I saw her walking on the side of the road. I immediately pulled Morty over and honked my horn. I jumped out of the car and ran toward her. She then did something that I didn't expect; she took one look at me and started running. I chased her on the sidewalk for a few moments before she dashed into the woods. I ran as fast as I could and several times I almost caught her, but she managed to get away. We ran and ran and ran until finally she fell. I ran over to her and she tried to get up but I grabbed her wrists and pinned them above her head. She fought and tried to get away but I didn't let her.

Me-"STOP! JULIA STOP!" She looked at me like she realized all that was happening and she broke down in tears. I expected her to break down, but instead she started yelling at me.

Clare/Julia-"NO I DON'T WANT YOU! YOU DON'T WANT ME EITHER!"

Me-"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO."

Clare/Julia-"YES I DO!"

Me-"Ok where? Are you just going to up and disappear and never come back to deal with your problems?"

Clare/Julia-"IT WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER IF I JUST LEFT. THEN I WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM FOR EVERYONE ELSE!"

Me-"YOU'RE NOT A PROBLEM! YOU'RE JUST CONFUSED!"

Clare/Julia-"YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW THAT! I'M SO CONFUSED AND NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE OR WANT TO HELP ME!"

Me-"I care and I want to help you." I couldn't resist anymore so I bent down and kissed her forehead. I helped her up but she continued to cry so I pulled her into a hug and we stayed there like that for a few minutes.

Me-"If I let you go are you going to run?"

Clare/Julia-"No." I let her go and when I did she looked around the woods in a trance like state. So I asked her what was wrong before I looked around and realize where we were. It was our place: the place where we both felt the safest. We used to come here all the time. I wondered if she remembered it. I was about to ask her but she beat me to the punch.

Clare/Julia-"Do you remember this place?"

Me-"Of course I do."

Clare/Julia-"Yeah it was where we first said we loved each other." I couldn't believe she knew this place. I had never come here with Clare. I mean its not that I didn't want to share this with her, it's just that I didn't want to offend Julia by bringing another girl here, and because every time I came here after Julia's death I cried.

Clare/Julia-"It was a cool spring day, the temperature was wonderful. My step mom and I were fighting. She slapped me in the face, so I went to your house." "We figured that she would just come to your house to get me, so we decided to go to our place. When we got here we laid down on our fort to talk. We had been lying there for a few minutes before I looked over at you. You looked at me back; we stared at each other for the longest time before I told you I loved you. You smiled and told me you loved me to." "Later on you carved our names into that tree and carved a heart around them."

I couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth. How could she remember this?

Me-"How did you know that?"

Clare/Julia-"It's what I keep telling everyone, I may look like Clare but on the inside I'm Julia." She had to be right. I mean come on, how else would she of known about Julia's place and mine.

Me-"I'm sorry I didn't believe you." I walked over to her and gave her a hug.

Clare/Julia-"It's ok." We were having a good moment, but I knew I would have to end it by reminding her that she had to come back to the hospital.

Me-"You do know that you're going to have to come back to the hospital."

Clare/Julia-"What? No I don't want to."

Me-"You have to, even though you don't think you're Clare, you're identical to her, so you have to go home with her parents. Besides you can't be wondering around the streets, it's not safe."

Clare/Julia-"Ok, but why can't I stay with you?"

Me-"Well, the doctor said that you needed to be at home, it will help being in a familiar place. Don't worry they're good people. You'll be safe, and if anything happens you can call me."

Clare/Julia-"Ok, fine." We walked back to Morty together and drove back to the hospital. The ride back to the hospital was quiet. I guess she was thinking about everything that had happened or thinking about her new home. When we walked through the doors, I could tell the she was scared because she was shaking. So I grabbed her hand and never let it go. We walked to the elevator and when the doors shut she started shaking more, so I tightened the grip on her hand.

Me-"Calm down, everything is going to be ok."

Clare/Julia-"How can you be so certain?"

Before I could answer the doors opened and we found ourselves looking at Clare's parents, Doctor Johnson, and Adam all sitting in the waiting room. When we walked out of the elevator Clare's parents came running to her, throwing their arms all over her; engrossing her in hugs. They went ballistic on how they were worried sick. I knew what they went through. I felt exactly how they had felt when I first found out she was gone. When Clare/Julia spoke I was surprised she was being nice, compared to earlier. I guess she figured that everything would go smoother if she was nice.

Clare/Julia-"There was no need to be worried. You should've known that this one wouldn't let me get far." She nudged me with a smile on her face.

Mr. Edwards-"Doctor Johnson just told us that you're free to come home with us today."

Mrs. Edwards-"What do you think, are you ready to come home?"

Clare/Julia-"Yes, I can't wait." With that they gathered her things and led her out the door. Before the elevator doors completely shut she waved a small wave at me and smiled. I gave her a reassuring look that would make her feel better. I so wanted to follow after her to her so-called new home, and help her with every little thing. But I knew she needed some rest and so did I. I stood there with my eyes drooping, half asleep. Adam came up to me and offered to drive me home. I agreed and reminded him that he would have to walk home. He was fine with it considering that his house was like a block away. The drive home with Adam was quiet. I guess he figured it would be best just to let me rest; I had been through a lot recently. When we got to my house Adam parked Morty, told me goodbye, and then headed to his house. I told him I would call him either later or tomorrow. I walked in the house then upstairs to my room. I shut my door and fell down on the bed drifting in a deep sleep.

I woke up to the sound of my mom beating on my door.

Cece-"ELI, OPEN THE DOOR!" I sluggishly dragged myself to the door to unlock and open it. She looked like she had been sleeping. I glanced at my alarm clock seeing that it was nearly past 1:30am. She had the phone extended out toward my face.

Cece-"It's Clare… or er um Julia? She said she called and texted your cell phone like 20 times. She sounds pretty worried." I took the phone from her.

Me-"Thanks." I shut the door and guided my attention to the person on the other end.

Me-"Hello?"

Clare/Julia-"ELI? OMG I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU FOR LIKE 3 HOURS! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

Me-"Whoa whoa, calm down. I've been sleeping. What's wrong? Are you okay?"

Clare/Julia-"Physically I'm fine, but not mentally."

Me-"What do you mean?"

Clare/Julia-"Okay well I came to Clare's house, and her parents showed me my room and all my stuff. They gave me a tour of the house. Made me feel at home. Well, we ate dinner, watched a little T.V. and then they decided that it was time that we head to bed. Well, I'm freaking out! I come into my room, Mrs. Edwards comes in to show me where all Clare's clothes are located, tells me goodnight and then leaves. Well, I go and look at her clothes and they're all bright and cheery. I'm wearing like pink shorts and a white tank top. PINK AND WHITE ELI! PINK AND WHITE! That's not even it. I tried to lay down but I couldn't sleep, so then I tried listening to some music, didn't work. I tried watching T.V, still didn't work. So I just gave up and decided to lie back down. I kept hearing things so I tried to call you. I've been laying here for 3 hours listening to noises. And I'm really scared. And I can't sleep and-"

Me-"Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down. It's going to be ok."

Clare/Julia-"No it's not!"

Me-"Yes it is. Just take a deep breath and try to calm down."

Clare/Julia-"Okay, hey Eli, do you think you could stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep?"

Me-"I've got a better idea. I'll call you back in like 5 minutes ok?"

Clare/Julia-"Okay, just hurry, I'm really sleepy." I hung up the phone and headed over to my dresser. I grabbed the smallest pair of black sweatpants I could find, a black dead hand tee shirt; some black gym shorts, threw them in a bag, put on my shoes, grabbed Morty's keys, and climbed out my window. I jumped in to Morty and drove off in the direction of Clare's house. It only took me about 6 minutes to get there. I parked down the street some because I didn't want to wake up Clare's parents. I walked to her house, and then started climbing up the tree that was right outside her window. She had her window cracked opened so I could hear her sobbing. I then realized how scared she actually was. I tapped on the window, and the sobbing stopped for a second. She slowly called out who's there? Then starting sobbing some more asking god what she did to deserve this and to help her be strong and not scared. That really made me feel bad, maybe I should of told her I was coming.

Me-"Psssst. Cla-Julia it's me."

Clare/Julia-"Eli, is that you?"

Me-"Yeah it's me." It didn't sound like she was coming closer to the door so I pushed opened her window and climbed through. A small bedside lamp dimly lit her room, and I didn't see her at all.

Me-"Julia, where are you?"

Clare/Julia-"over here." I took a few steps to the other side of her bed to find her lying in the floor in the fetal position. She looked like she had been crying for hours, hair ruffled, cheeks flushed, and eyes blood shot. Once I saw her I immediately kneeled down and scooped her up.

Me-"Julia, what are you doing?"

Clare/Julia-"Oh Eli, I'm so scared, and so alone."

Me-"Well, I'm here now so you don't have to worry." I walked toward her bed and sat her on it.

Clare/Julia-"Thanks for coming, it means a lot to me."

Me-"You're welcome. I told you I would always be there for you and I'm going to keep my promise." "oh and by the way I brought you some clothes." I walked over to wear I dropped the bag and picked it up. I walked back over to her bed and handed it to her. she looked inside before smiling.

Clare/Julia-"I don't know what I would do without you Eli. Thank you so much."

Me-"No problem. I thought it would help you feel better." Before I knew what had happened she leaned up and kissed me. I was shocked and surprised. I wanted to stop. We needed to. This wasn't right. The kiss intensified and we moved until her back hit her bedroom wall. That's when I came to my senses and pulled away from the kiss.

Me-"Stop."

Clare/Julia-"What? Why?" She was out of breath and confused.

Me-"Because we have to."

Clare/Julia-"No, its ok. My so-called parents are sound asleep. They wont hear us."

Me-"That's not why we can't." I walked over and sat down on her bed. She followed close behind me.

Clare/Julia-"Then what is it?"

Me-"I know that you and me used to have sex and stuff, but Clare wants to wait until she's married."

Clare/Julia-"ok and?"

Me-"And if we had sex, it would be like I was having sex with both of you. Yes you, as Julia would be experiencing it, but physically Clare's body would be experiencing it." "I couldn't do that to her, I love her too much."

Clare/Julia-"Well, who do you car more about?" She started undressing. She slowly pulled off her shirt and her pajama shorts. She stood there for a second, almost as if she was trying to seduce me, before reaching in the bag I had brought to slip on the dead hand t-shirt and the black sweatpants.

Me-"I care about both of you, but I love Clare more. And I'm not going to do anything to hurt her."

Clare/Julia-"oh so you care more about her? I think I could change that." She walked toward me, placing her hands on my chest. She went to kiss me but I moved my head to the side to stop her. She started running her hands down, so I grabbed her by her wrists to stop her. While I had her wrists pinned in the air, I noticed that on her left hand on her ring finger was Clare's purity ring. I knew that if she found out what kind of ring it was she would get rid of it. If Clare was anywhere she was in my conscious. I don't know how but it was like she was inside me telling me what she wanted me to do. I knew she wanted me to take it, but in a way I felt kind of bad. I wanted to take it for it's own protection, but part of me knew that it belonged to Clare, and that the only person other than Clare to have it would be the man she lost her virginity to. She was mine, but her virginity, her purity, her innocence wasn't, and I couldn't stand taking that, without her absolute permission. I released her right wrist and gently lifted her left ring finger. She looked at me as if she was confused. I took the ring between my middle finger and thumb and gently slid it off.

Clare/Julia-"What are you doing?"

Me-"Taking, and protecting what is rightfully Clare's."

Clare/Julia-"Yeah and I'm part of Clare."

Me-"No you're not. You're not part of her, you're the total opposite. You think you're part of her and that you connect to her?" "All you are is a evil mean person, who is trying to destroy what I have with Clare." "If you were a part of her, you wouldn't try to tempt me to take her most valued and protected thing. And if you cared anything about me you would respect my feelings for her, and not try to make me do something reckless that would hurt her, just because you want to feel wanted." She was slowly backing away from me. I could tell she was hurt, but I didn't care. She looked as if she was about to cry. I used to love her, but not anymore. I used to think she was the world, but she's not anymore. I thought that when we were going out it was love, true love, but being with Clare made me realize that it wasn't love. Our relationship was based on her need to feel wanted. it made me sick, to even think about how I once felt for her. Clare helped me get over her, I fell in love with her, and she fell in love with me.

Clare/Julia-"Eli, come on. All I care about is you and our love."

Me-"Our love? Ha you say that like it was something we shared. I loved you, but you didn't love me back. The only thing you loved was forgetting about your terrible life, and feeling wanted." I grabbed my bag, walked to her window, and left.