Summer: Sorry we haven't been on in a while, but we have had alot of school work and stress.

Mandy: Also we're procrastinating losers.

Summer: Yeah, that too. Guess what though! I found my sanity!... it was dead in my closet...

Mandy: We should have a fueneral for it.

Summer: I'm way ahead of you! -pulls casket out of pocket-

Mandy: Okay... change of subject. We do not own Harry Potter.

Professor McGonagall entered the Great Hall in quite a state of agitation. She was no fonder of this sex ed program than when it had began, and now there was a new obsession of the Head Master's to deal with. It sounded to some of the students as though she could be heard muttering about "people singing and dancing in spandex cat suits."

She must, they thought, be off her rocker. Cho Chang whispered to her friend Marietta that she wouldn't be surprised if McGonagall was the next for Madame Pomfrey.

The Professor turned to face her class, who looked like they had just stumbled upon Hagrid's spidery friend, Aragog (naked). Their cringing pallor was almost enough to make her think that they were dreading this lesson more than she was. Neville Longbottom was looking particularly faint.

Her sharp cat's eyes gave the students a quick once-over before she fixed Hermione with a terrifying stare and demanded, "Miss Granger, where are your two imbecile friends?"

"Professor?"

"Those two blundering apes you hang about with."

Hermione quivered. "Harry and Ron?"

"No, the other two."

"They never came down to breakfast this morning. I assumed they were ill," Hermione answered, horrified at not being able to properly answer her Professor's question for the first time in her life.

McGonagall pursed her lips (which never boded well for the pupils). "Alright. Thomas! Finnigan!"

Approximately one hundred necks craned toward Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan, who were flinching at one of the back tables.

"We don't know, Professor," said Seamus innocently, his eyes roaming about the Great Hall, not unlike the magical superball eye of Professor Moody in the previous lesson. Dean threw a hand over his face, afraid that McGonagall's eyes would manage to burn holes in it. His hand was followed by the rest of his body, which keeled over and toppled from his chair.

"Don't lie to me!" McGonagall screeched, "Where are Potter and Weasely?"

Seamus scrutinized his lap. Dean lay silent on the floor.

McGonagall folded her arms. "Very well. Detention... With Moody!"

"We'll tell, we'll tell! cried Dean.

"They're hiding in the dormitory, under the bed," Seamus explained miserably, "They're having a party! With chocolate cake!"

"And balloons!" Dean sobbed.

The students watched, awash with dread for their fellow students (except for Malfoy, who had followed all of this with glee) as the Deputy Headmistress stormed from the room. She flung open the massive oaken doors of the Great Hall, a flurry of swirling robes and blistering fury.

XXX

Harry and Ron were immensely pleased with themselves. They blissfully believed that they had fooled the formidable Professor McGonagall and were indeed having a party with chocolate cake. And balloons.

"No sex ed today!" said Ron around a bulging mouthful of caky goodness.

was about to agree, when an irresistible force suddenly seized them both by their tighty-whities and promtly yanked them from under Neville's bed, despite their desperate scrabbling at the floor and pleas for release.

Professor McGonagall proceeded to make a great show of dragging Harry and Ron through the castle, still suspended painfully by their panties, taking the long way to the Great Hall. Many first and second years looked on in bemused wonder. Many parents of Hogwarts students received boastful letters home that week that their children had, in fact, laid eyes on the Boy Who Lived in his quiditch patterned unmentionables. Many of them claimed suspicion that the little snitches and bludgers had been drawn on by Potter himself, with glow-in-the-dark magic marker.

When the excruciating journey was over, McGonagall hurled them into their seats with surprising force for a woman of her unusually thin size. "Now that Mister Potter and Mister Weasely have chosen to grace us with their presence, we may begin the lesson."

Never was a room more full of terrified children ever glimpsed by mortal eyes.

The teacher's wand slashed through the air, and every student looked down to find that a small, square-shaped package and a good sized cucumber had appeared on the table in front of them.

"Today," McGonagall stated grimly, "we shall be doing condom demonstrations."

The students looked around at each other. What was this fresh horror?

She picked up a small square package and explained " this is what muggles call a condom, it protects against sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. They come in different sizes, small, medium, large and for those exceptionally lucky wizards x-large.

She acquired a glassy look in her eye like she was in the mists of a very pleasing memory. With a small shake of her head and the traces of a smile still on her face she contiued with the lesson.

"Now, nobody volunteered to help with Professor Moody's demonstration..."

At that, there was a distinctive clunk on the stone floor as Neville Longbottom fell off his seat in the fetal position.

"I will have to use this cucumber." She carried on, ignoring the poor boy's insistence that he simply would not take any more sex ed lessons.

"Before I continue, I must urge you gentlemen, in your free time, to measure your... wand so you may buy the correct size condom. As Moody would say, you must always be vigilant."

"How do we measure?" asked some Slytherin Harry didn't know, but knew he hated.

"How should I know? I'm not a wizard, I am a witch. Write home to your fathers and ask or go see the headmaster. I know he would be more then pleased to show you. Now. What you do is... Well, you simply, pick up the cucumber, or other object, and..."

There was an appalling silence, in which an alarming amount of color flooded Professor McGonagall's face. She suddenly threw her hands to the sky and yelled, "Oh, heaven, I can't do this! I'm getting too old for this job! Practice amongst yourselves." With that, she flew from the room and the students that she now suddenly found so revolting, with impressive speed.

Shortly after her departure, she popped her head back in the door of the Great Hall, to announce, "By the way, you will be having a substitute tomorrow, as Professor Dumbledore has insisted on taking the entire faculty, to a showing of the Muggle musical, CATS. Potter, Weasley. You have detention with Professor Snape."

Summer: We suck!

Mandy: Why is that?

Summer: We didn't make one joke about genitalia, not one.

Mandy: True; but we have the rest of the story to corrupt our dear, dear readers.

Summer: They deserve it after they rejected me.

Mandy: I think we should go now before Summer goes into one of her rants.

Summer: Flips Mandy off.

Mandy: Be lucky you don't have to live with her. Adios till we meet again.