A/N – and moving right along, here is the next chapter. Again, I'm not sure when the next update will be, but I'll try and be as quick as I can.
Chapter ten
After a few seconds, feeling she could stand without making a complete fool of herself, Jane got up off the chair and looked at Maura, who hadn't spoken another word.
"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to go home." Jane said in a now resigned voice, moving out towards the door to make her way back to the car.
"Yes, of course." Maura's seemed to spring in to life, and quickly joined Jane. "Don't you want to say goodbye to your mother first?" Maura then asked.
"Nope." Jane didn't elaborate, so Maura decided not to push. They stopped only briefly to pick up personal possessions before driving back to Maura's in silence, and as they went inside the house, Jane just said she was going to lie down. Maura watched her go, noting how deflated her overall gait was.
"Do you need company?" Maura called after Jane.
"No." Came the now muffled reply, although there was absolutely no rancor or dismissal in Jane's tone. It was apparent she felt well enough to indeed spend some time on her own, which Maura accepted.
Taking a deep breath, Maura moved and went to sit on her sofa, pulling the picture of Jane and Sue out of her bag as she did. Absent-mindedly, her thumb stroked across the frame as she looked at it, but without taking in much detail. She glanced at the clock and sighed. The day was still only half way through, and already it felt as if she'd been through the emotional wringer. She couldn't shake Jane's comment from the café.
Logic dictated that Maura knew it was a comment said in the moment. She knew that Jane didn't mean anything by the words. Maura knew, without a doubt that Jane was still very fragile emotionally about Sue. What Maura really hated right at this moment was the fact that she had wanted Jane to stand up and kiss her. To show Maura the same love she so obviously shared with Sue. With that knowledge, Maura also despised herself for even entertaining the idea. Maura was now also questioning the wisdom of Jane being there at all, but also knew that was a completely selfish thought on her part, because Jane needed her more than ever before. Maura put the picture back in her purse with a heavy heart. What remained of the day was going to be very long indeed.
After a short nap, Jane walked through to find Maura was engrossed in what appeared to be work files. Maura heard Jane walking in, and looked up a smile working across her features.
"Work?" Jane queried as she poured herself some coffee, stifling a yawn as she did, before joining Maura at the table.
"Yes, since I've taken some time off unexpectedly, it seems prudent to at least do some paperwork at home." Maura replied.
"Yeah, about work." Jane spoke, her nervousness obvious. "I know I'm not going to be able to pull in full days for a little while yet, but I'm thinking of seeing if I'll be let back. Just a few hours."
"Jane, you need to rest." Maura put her pen down on the file in front of her with a frown. "You're body is still healing, and..." Maura didn't want to bring up the issue of the panic attacks Jane had displayed.
"I know." Jane sighed. "I'll go to the shrink at work and see if he'll clear me for limited duty. I just... today... I can't sit around all day doing nothing. It will drive me insane. Seriously Maur, if I don't do something at least for some part of the day I'm gonna lose it completely. I know I've gotta take it carefully, but seeing Frost, walking in to the bullpen... I just felt a little spark of normality for the first time since..." Jane floundered as she sipped her coffee, a pleading look crossing her face, needing Maura's acceptance of her idea.
"I can understand that." Maura sat back slightly, looking at Jane with an intense gaze, and could tell Jane needed this. "I agree you should see someone before taking that step though, and only if they feel you are able to deal with it. I will also make sure you're not allowed to work further if I'm in any doubt this in hindering, rather than helping you and you will accept that without question."
Jane's face lit up with relief. "I promise." before Maura could stop her, Jane had enveloped her in a hug, which she quickly released her from. "I'm gonna call now, see if I can't sort this out." Jane got up and went to pick up the house phone. Jane got hold of someone, and was talking, her whole demeanour showing a buoyancy for the first time in a little while, as Maura tried with a little success to concentrate on her own files. Jane finally returned back to the table.
"I see him tomorrow first thing." Jane said, a wide smile breaking out across her face, "and Cavanaugh has agreed to allow me two to five hours each day in the office, depending on how I'm doing and what the doc says."
"I'm pleased for you Jane." Deep down, Maura was pleased, but also now finding herself worried that Jane, as usual was pushing herself too fast, too soon, but also recognized that perhaps getting back to work, in whatever capacity wasn't such a bad thing. It would also allow Maura time away, back at work herself, where she could try and begin to disengage her own feelings towards Jane before she did something that would not only potentially embarrass them, but also ruin their friendship altogether. Something Maura would avoid doing at all costs, even if these feeling she was getting could never be returned.
Angela turned up later, but she made no mention of the incident with Sue's parents, just went about making some dinner for the family, with Frankie and Tommy due to join them. Maura made her excuses, and was in her room, partly because she still didn't quite trust how she was feeling around Jane, but also wanting to give mother and daughter time alone if they needed it.
Jane meanwhile had stretched out on the sofa, watching some sports on the television. Angela tinkered with something, before coming across, and without a word, lifted Jane's legs up, sat down, and then brought Jane's legs back across her own knees. Jane's eyes turned at looked at her mother with a slight frown. Angela meanwhile ignored the look, keeping her eyes fixed on the screen.
"It's a shame someone who sounds as nice as Sue has a family so unloving of their own daughter." Angela finally spoke up, and looked sideways at Jane, who was still watching her intently. Jane could merely nod.
"So, tell me something about her, she must be special to have captured my babies heart."
Jane fought back the tears, as she lent her head back in the sofa's cushion and closed her eyes.
"Ma, she was just..." Jane stopped for a second to compose her thoughts. "What we had, what we were building, it's hard to explain. Sue, she was one of the strongest people I know, but she had her own insecurities, her own fragility as well, yet she is..." Jane's voice hitched in her throat, "she was so different from me because she somehow turned those problems and used them in such positive ways. The first time she had a nightmare I was so scared, and surprised. I just couldn't fathom out what would cause her to have something like that happen."
"What did cause it?" Angela probed gently as Jane's words dried up. Realizing her mother didn't know about Sue's ex with the abuse, Jane took a deep breath before continuing.
"A shit ex-girlfriend." Jane admitted. "It scared me, shocked me, a whole host of thoughts went through my mind as she began to tell me some of what had happened to her. I know domestic violence is as much about emotional control as anything. Hell, we've been called to enough scenes where the end has come in a way that has been fatal for someone, often not in a pleasant way from all kinds of social levels in society. Rich, poor, I've been in all households where it's happened. Yet, I was so shocked that someone like Sue could fall in to that trap. It took me a long time to get my head around the fact that a lot of this isn't about how well educated a victim might be, but about how well someone else can control them. Despite it all though, Sue never once allowed it to define who she was or what she did. God Ma, you should have seen some of her scars..." Jane began to cry softly, as Angela moved to bring Jane in to her arms properly.
"She'll always live on in your memory, it's something that can't be taken from you." Angela murmured, as she ran her hands through Jane's hair. Jane pulled away slightly.
"That's what upsets me though Ma. I'm already forgetting what she sounds like, and try as might, I can't hear her voice."
"Oh baby." Angela sighed as Jane's sobbing increased. "I know you don't believe it, but you will never forget her."
Maura stood in the hallway looking across at the scene on the sofa, and suddenly realized she had her own silent tears running down her face. She turned on her heels and walked back to her bedroom, unable to face going in to the sitting room, electing instead to give Jane and Angela time alone before the rest of the Rizzoli's descended. It was going to be a long night.
Jane was up and about by the time Maura woke up, surprised to find she felt far more refreshed than the night might have otherwise suggested, while she and Jane had slept in separate beds. It could be considered a victory of sorts, and Maura couldn't helped but feel pleased by the turn of events. Perhaps she could do this after all. She walked in to the kitchen, and Jane was practically bouncing around it, and Maura couldn't be sure if she was simply hyped up on coffee, or the thought she might be allowed back to work on limited duties. Maura decided it was most likely a combination of the two, and couldn't help the smile as Jane's infectious nature lifted her own spirits.
"Although not something I would usually do, I'm guessing you're eager to get to work today?" Maura asked, barely able to suppress her own grin.
"You guess correctly. Hold on... while I savor this moment. The great Doctor Isles has taken a guess!" Jane teased, before looking a little more serious. "He will let me back, won't he?"
"I'm sure you'll be allowed back. Just be honest, even about what hasn't been as good for you. They will know it's not going to have been easy for you, but also that you're coping and have mechanisms in place to help you past any problems."
"I know." Jane began to look even more nervous. "I'm ready when you are." and disappeared back towards the guest bedroom, leaving a slightly worried looking Maura, who was beginning to question whether this was too soon.
Jane smiled as she saw Korsak at his desk, and she slowed her walk, noticing he hadn't spotted her yet. She slid onto the chair alongside his desk, and it was only then he knew someone was there, and his face was a picture of shock.
"What are you doing here?" Korsak spluttered as he placed some papers over the file he had been reading since it was relevant to Jane's accident and he didn't want her to see anything. What little they had obtained anyway.
"Nice way to greet your old partner." Jane taunted, ignoring the fact she'd seen Korsak with his rather botched attempt at a cover up of the file... she'd already seen it was to do with the accident.
"Yeah, well, you know." Korsak frowned, "So what are you doing here?"
"Came in to see if I can be passed fit for desk duty." Jane said, pulling her hand through her hair.
"I was going to call you." Korsak admitted, sitting back looking pensive. "You should know, words gotten out you and Sue were more than just friends. I don't know how, but you know what this place is like. Gossips, the lot of them. It's most likely something overheard from the shouting match between your Ma and Sue's mother."
"Shit." Jane blew out a breath. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Anyone said anything much?"
"Not really, least, not what I've heard. Couple of comments about how sorry they are to hear about it..." Korsak smiled, "Listen I'm sure it'll be fine."
"Let's hope so. I know you and Frost have got my back." She then glanced at her watch. "I've gotta get going. Should see you later, with any luck."
"Sure." Korsak watched Jane closely before pulling his desk phone out of it's cradle and dialling a number by memory.
"Isles."
"Is Jane up to coming back?" Korsak asked, ignoring any greeting.
Maura took a second to compose herself to try and give an honest answer. "I think it might be beneficial, and she has agreed to only come back if she is cleared to do so. She's also under strict orders that it's desk work only until further notice."
Korsak gave it a few seconds thought. "I hope you're right on this one." he admitted. "She came back far too quickly after the first incident with Hoyt."
"Oh, I didn't know that." Maura conceded, a slight flash of worry hitting. "I'm sure in this instance she will only be allowed back if they are absolutely sure."
"That's what I thought then." Korsak replied, "Jane's real good at giving answers she knows they will want to hear, and you also need to know, words out that Sue and Jane were lovers."
"Oh...In that case, we'll all just have to make sure we keep an eye on her." Maura said with feeling. "I believe we won't allow anything to happen to her. If it makes you feel any better, I have made her agree that if I feel she isn't coping in any way that I will tell Cavanaugh to rescind her duties until further notice."
"Let's hope it doesn't come to that Doc." Korsak replied. "I'll let you go. Bye."
Let's hope it doesn't come to that Maura thoughts mirrored Korsak's as she put her phone down, not wanting to be the one to stop Jane from working, knowing that Jane would react angrily, no matter what she had promised.
Jane hesitated outside the door, before checking her watch again. The secretary had already told her she would be called through when he was ready. She was slightly surprised to find herself jump when he finally put his head around the door and called her in. Jane stood up, pulling down at the hem of her shirt, checking her badge was in position, missing her gun which she couldn't officially carry back at work yet. She took a deep breath and walked in.
"Please sit down." He gestured at a couple of chairs in front of his desk for Jane to choose from. Without thinking, she put herself on the one that had a slightly better view of the door, automatically choosing to be in view as her training kicked in. He scribbled a quick note, before looking up at her, smiling.
"I'm Doctor Davies, and since I'm fairly new here, we've not yet met." He kept his tone neutral, having already read the background on the woman sitting across from him, and noting she'd had her fair share of incidents in her life as a result of work, and yet seemed to still be able to function well, not just as an individual, but as a police detective. However, he knew that he would have to keep any admiration he felt in the back of his mind.
He also deliberately didn't offer a handshake, not wanting to make Jane in any way uncomfortable about her scarred hands. He knew under normal circumstances, Jane would return the handshake without a second thought, but these were far from usual circumstances and he didn't want to risk any sort of trigger this early on.
"Jane Rizzoli." was all Jane offered in reply, just wanting to get this over with.
He nodded his head slightly in acknowledgement, before looking at his notes quickly again. "I doubt you'll accept any kind of condescendence so I won't mess about."
His words brought a look of astonishment from Jane, who was used to being probed with questions that were so obvious at getting her to open up, but twisted around other things. She was slightly shocked by this approach, but kept quiet for now, interested to know what else Doctor Davies had to say.
"I accept a lot of Detectives who cross the threshold here are always going to be apprehensive about what happens behind these doors, but I want to make one thing clear from the outset. I'm not here to try and derail you in any way. I'm not here to automatically bar you from working indefinitely, but on the other side of the coin, even if you are cleared for desk duty, we have a duty of care. Not just to you, but to those around you. That duty is to ensure you are able to cope with coming back. Physiologically, in this instance, since I'm not the doctor charged with your physical recovery, although sometimes the two can go hand in hand. You have just suffered trauma, both physically and emotionally. I need to be sure you're emotionally healing, even if its not fully complete yet. I don't need you to be fully functioning, just to know you're heading in the right direction and whether coming back to work will help you, or be problematic and delay any recovery."
"Okay..." Jane said slowly, still apprehensive, but more than surprised by the man in front of her, since it was vastly different to the other times she'd been there. "So, what do you want to know?" Jane decided to throw the ball back in his court.
"First I need to know if you're going to be able to talk about your experiences openly?" Davies sat with a questioning look on his face.
"Yeah, well I'm gonna try." Jane flashed him a grin, "Why else be here otherwise, right?"
"If you are able to, it's encouraging." Davies sat back a little, "So, how are you feeling right at this moment?"
"Worried that you're not going to let me back even in a limited role." Jane replied honestly, chewing on the edge of her thumbnail nervously.
"If it helps, as I've said, I'm not trying to stop you, any more than I'm ready to let you go back. I truly have made no decision yet, because we've only just met." Davies reassured her, "So, how are you feeling about going back to work with people around you, knowing what they do about the accident."
"I'm feeling nervous." Jane admitted, "Because if nothing else, here at work, they now know something about me I'd rather they didn't. I'm the sort of person, if I have something to tell people I want it to be my choice, and now that's not an option. Had the same thing with Hoyt. Let alone the damn award ceremony after the shootings. Sometimes it feels like my life is constantly being played out from a goldfish bowl so everyone can look in and I can't hide."
"Understandable." Davies agreed, "Do you think they might treat you any differently?"
"Honestly, I haven't a clue." Jane admitted, beginning to fiddle with the end of her shirt sleeve, picking at a lose thread. "After Hoyt the first time, I had to ask for a new partner... I'm guessing you've read about me and Hoyt..." Jane hesitated and watched as he nodded before continuing. "and I know this isn't quite the same, but I just don't know how they might react."
"Do you have any idea on how you'll deal with it if things are different between you because of it?"
"Talk about it I guess. I can't keep going through partners, not enough people on the pay roll for that." Jane joked, "Although to be fair, I doubt Korsak or Frost will do anything, it's more likely to come from someone like Crowe." Jane said after some thought. "And I know they would back me if he opens his mouth." Jane added as an afterthought.
"It sounds as if you've got a good, strong working relationship with those around you that you need to rely on the most." Davies was thoughtful. "How are you handling your partners death? It can't have been easy to have been there, to know what happened?"
"You're not kidding." Jane took a deep breath. "I'd be lying if I didn't say it hasn't affected me. I've suffered a couple of panic attacks, but Maura's been really good and helped me a lot."
"Maura?" Davies queried, leaning forward and making a couple of notes.
"Doctor Maura Isles, you know, our chief medical examiner?"
"Oh, yes, of course." Davies gave a reassuring smile. "So, you and Doctor Isles are close friends?"
"Yeah." Jane smiled, "In fact I've been staying with her, you know..." Jane hesitated, and seeing he wasn't going to fill in for her. "saves me having to go back to my apartment, to the memories of Sue too soon. It's also helped because she knows how to help me when I've needed it, like the panic attacks, and just making sure my cuts are all okay, that sort of thing. And she works here as well, so if I find I need help, I know she's likely to be around unless she's at a crime scene."
"Hhmmm," Davies narrowed his eyes ever so slightly. "about work, how are you going to feel watching everyone else going out, while you're confined to your desk to begin with?"
"It won't always be easy, but it sure beats sitting around the house all day brooding and wondering what is going on here. I'll just keep reminding myself that's the alternative if I find it's difficult."
"So, how else do you think you're doing? Are you keeping things bottled up? Feel like doing something destructive?"
"Overall, I think I've coped well. I don't find it easy to talk about this kind of thing, but again, Maura, she listens. Doesn't judge and somehow always makes it feels better."
"And if Maura isn't available?" Davies tilted his head ever so slightly.
"Then I'll have to see what happens. So far it isn't something I've faced." Fingers once more came out and began to pick at the same loose thread.
"How many panic attacks have you suffered?"
"A few. Each time it's been better though, partly because I know what's happening to me, so I can deal with it. The first time, I'll be honest, it scared the crap out of me." Jane said.
"They can be very scary if you're not aware what they are. Even then, they can be worrying to a sufferer, but I'm encouraged to hear that they are improving already." Davies wrote a little more information down, in part to give Jane a few seconds to have a break from the questioning.
"Are you drinking to excess to cope? Or have any feelings of self harm or even worse?" Davies asked softly, knowing it was a delicate set of questions he'd just asked.
Jane looked horrified. "No. I don't drink when taking painkillers anyway, and there is no way Maura would let me even if I thought about it. As for..." Jane hesitated. "I'd be lying if in the first day I kept questioning why did I survive and Sue didn't, but that's as close as I've even thought about... well me dying, but it wasn't like suicidal thoughts, just why me. And damn if I don't hurt enough already." Jane laughed lightly as she pointed to her face.
"The 'why me' question is perfectly understandable for you to ask under the circumstances and probably one of the most common associated with survivors guilt." Davies sat forward and began writing earnestly. "I'll allow you very limited duty back. Desk duty only until both I and your other doctor have cleared you. I also want to see you a couple of times over the coming couple of weeks at least. More if I feel it would be beneficial."
Jane hardly took in what he was telling her, such was the relief he was allowing her back to work. She picked up the paperwork and his business card he handed her and with a nod of the head and walked out of his office in a slight daze. It wasn't until she began to near the homicide office did it sink in properly. and she found she was smiling. She pushed open the doors, and walked, not stopping to listen to the greetings shouted her way, merely sending a wave to acknowledge she'd heard, as she knocked on Cavanaugh's office, entering when he called.