She opened the door a crack and peered out. Upon verifying that the coast was indeed clear, she stepped out into the hallway, clad in a garment improvised from a set of sheer curtains and a length of gold braid. A few strategically placed opaque florettes protected her delicate bits, but the overall effect was hardly any less eye-popping. She padded along the hallway, guided inadvertantly by the minds of the many maids throughout the palace. Her path was more direct now.
*****
"Rincewind," said J as he crouched over the fallen wizzard, "Let's get one thing straight. We still need your help, and you aren't doing much good passed out. Now, understand that I really really don't want to have to give you mouth-to-mouth--" Rincewind's eyes shot open. "Welcome back." He pulled Rincewind to his feet, quite against his will.
"You look like you've seen a ghost," said L, "What happened?"
"You mean before or after a cat turned into a woman and tried to seduce me?" Rincewind growled.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," said J, which earned him a dirty look from L.
"It's been my experience that women who glow in the octarine are generally not worth messing with," said Rincewind.
"How many women have you seen that glow in the octarine?" asked J.
"Just the one. That's plenty."
"I just hope she didn't kiss him," L said to J, "If she did, he'll be more of a hindrance than a help."
"Give me a little credit here!" whined Rincewind, "I know how to conduct myself around a lady."
"Even if she's naked?" asked J.
"I wouldn't really call her a lady, per se," said L.
"All right, all right," said Rincewind, "You have a point about her not being ladylike. But really, wizardry takes emotional and mental discipline, and there's no room in a wizard's life for women."
"Translation," said J, "You can't get laid to save your life."
"HEY!"
"Be nice," L chided.
*****
Nobby sidled down a corridor, investigating a noise he'd heard. It had sounded like someone running in bare feet - not a regular occurance in the Palace, he was almost certain, though there was no accounting for how the Patrician spent his private time. It was best not to speculate on that, however. The overly curious tended to learn a lot about scorpions.
He caught movement out of the corner of his eye, and glanced over at a nearby window. He sidestepped over to it and twitched the curtains aside. The movement was the Patrician's coach pulling up.
"Oh, shit," Nobby said under his breath. He took off running, sparks flying from his iron-shod boots. As he skidded around a corner, he crashed into Colon and rebounded off in a clatter of breastplates.
"I've been looking for you all over!" said Colon, "Vimes is--"
"No time!" Nobby said in a panic, "The Patrician!"
"What about him?" Colon asked.
"He's back!" Nobby all but screamed.
"Oh... shit. Um. Any word from the agents?"
"Last I heard, they were still trying to find her."
Colon swore. "We have to stall him."
"Stall who?"
"The Patrician! We have to keep him occupied until we know it's all clear."
"Stall the PATRICIAN?!" Nobby was nearly frantic now. "He LIVES here! How the hell are we supposed to STALL him?"
"Don't worry. I have a Plan."
"Oh, good." Nobby followed Colon as he trotted away along the hallway.
"I just wish I knew what it was," Colon muttered.
*****
"Did you happen to see which way she went?" asked J.
"No," said Rincewind, "She was still kinda standing there when I ran away."
"About where did you encounter her?" asked L.
"Search me. I just ran until I ran out of breath. Both times."
"She might be starting to close in," said J.
"If she is, the best place to wait for her would be at her most likely destination," said L.
"The Patrician's bedroom," said J.
"Great," said Rincewind, "Since you don't need me anymore--"
"You'll be safest if you come with us," said L, "You don't want to meet up with her alone again, do you?"
"Well," said Rincewind drily, "Let me think about that for a minute. Facing down a dangerous shapeshifter alone, versus facing down a dangerous shapeshifter with the help of twenty guards. Gee, that's a tough one." He trailed after them, certain that the excitement was not over.
*****
Lord Vetinari paused in the foyer of the Palace and peered impassively at the two watchmen standing between him and the doorway opposite. Both were standing to rigid attention, their faces locked into terrified rictuses that might have been meant to be reassuring smiles.
"HelloSirDidYouEnjoyThePartyI'mSorryButYouCan'tComeThroughHere!" Nobby squeaked.
The Patrician raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "Whyever not?" he asked, content for now to let curiosity overrule annoyance.
"The Palace is being fumigated, sir," said Colon, in a similar terrified falsetto.
"Fumigated? For what?"
"Mimes, sir!" said Nobby, inspired by a feeble spark of inspiration.
The Patrician closed his eyes for slightly longer than a standard blink. "The Palace is being fumigated," he said quietly, "For mimes."
"Yessir!" said both Watchmen.
"After all," added Colon, taking the idea and running with it, "You know how sneaky mimes can be. Running around being all quiet like that. You know they got to be up to something."
"How, I wonder, did they get into the Palace in the first place?" Vetinari asked rhetorically.
"They prob'ly hid in an invisible box or something," said Nobby brightly.
"Or climbed an invisible rope up to a window," Colon volunteered.
"Well," said Vetinari, "I'm certain that if there are any mimes in my personal quarters, they will be handled with due caution." He tried to sidestep around Colon. Colon sidestepped to remain directly in front of the Patrician.
"These are a special sort of mime," said Colon, "Very dangerous."
"And what sort of mimes are these?" asked Vetinari, with calmness in inverse proportion to that of any other civic leader in similar circumstances.
Inspiration hit Nobby again with all the force of a loaf of bread. "Ninja mimes!" he said, "Very dangerous. Not only can't you hear em, but you can't see em, neither."
Vetinari sighed. "So what you're saying is, the Palace is infested with highly dangerous ninja mimes, but I can't see them or hear them."
"Yessir!" chorused the Watchmen.
"Then how do the exterminators know they're there, hmm?"
Nobby and Colon shared a moment of panicked silence.
*****
The door opened. Twenty crossbows were cocked. J yelped.
"Dammit, J," said Vimes as everyone relaxed a fraction.
"Jesus Christ," J gasped, feigning a heart attack, "Vimes, what're you trying to do, kill me?"
"I thought you were supposed to be out looking for her. Where are the others?"
"Right behind me." He stepped further into the room as L and Rincewind arrived and shut the door behind them.
"Well?" asked Vimes, "Did you find her?"
"That's the funny thing, sir," said L, "We didn't. But there was a sighting."
"A... sighting," said Vimes.
J clapped Rincewind on the shoulder. "See, the Glimmer Man here found her, but got spooked by her overwhelming femininity and ran away."
"Listen," said Rincewind acidly, "I was too busy trying not to get killed by a doppelganger to tell her she was under arrest."
"Doppelganger?" asked J, "Who said she was a doppelganger?"
"She's a shapeshifter, yes?" asked Rincewind.
"Well, yeah," said J.
"Werewolf?"
"Not exactly."
Vimes groaned.
"Listen!" Vimes shouted, "I don't have time right now to figure out exactly what the hell she is. I just want her caught and out of here before the Patrician gets back! Is that so much to ask?" This last question was directed towards the ceiling.
At that moment, the latch turned.
J looked up at the ceiling. "Thanks," he said, just in case.
*****
She was distracted; that could be the only explanation. Her time was at hand. Her plans were about to come to fruition. She opened the door, slipped in, and shut the door as quietly as she could. She took a few moments to fix her hair and smooth out her clothing, then turned around.
The tip of a sword hovered inches from her face. She followed the blade with her gaze until she was looking at Vimes. Behind him was a third of the City Watch.
"Hello there," she said.
"Step away from the door, please," said Vimes.
"So, you must be the Commander of the City Watch. How dashing."
"I'm married."
"My condolences."
"Happily."
"You don't sound it."
"Well, having to defend the Patrician from a shapeshifting sex fiend tends to put me in a really rotten mood. Now step! Away! From the door!"
She began sidling away from the door. She heard the creak of weaponry in the ranks.
"Now really," she said sweetly, "Twenty crossbows to apprehend one woman?"
"Not exactly," said Vimes, "Twenty-three crossbows, seven swords, four seige ballistas, thirteen war-axes, and one Blowing-Holes-In-Things doohickey--"
"Noisy Cricket," said J.
"Whatever. Now, ma'am, with all those weapons and a bunch of very nervous Watchmen in this room, I believe that making any sudden moves should be at the bottom of your list of things to do today. I don't know who or what you think you are, but you picked the wrong damn universe to hide in!"
The latch turned. Everybody looked towards the door. It swung open casually, revealing the lean shape of Lord Vetinari. He was flanked by Nobby and
Colon, who both looked so sheepish that it was a wonder they didn't spontaneously sprout wool and bleat.
"Ah, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes," said Vetinari quietly, "This is a surprise. I trust you were not troubled by any invisible ninja mimes on your way here?" He looked over the tableau of frozen respect filling his bedroom. "Perhaps you would be kind enough to explain to me what a third of the Watch, a wizard, two strangers, and a scantily clad woman are doing in my bedroom?"
*****
End Ch 9.