Szayel sat in front of a multitude of screens, watching the happenings with interest. Besides him stood Kaname Tousen, also listening attentively.

The Octava Espada had a sneaking suspicion that Aizen had tapped into his cameras on multiple occasions. It explained his expansive knowledge of anything and everything that happened in Las Noches, including when Szayel had perfected his incredible Szayel Clones. (The procedure had only destroyed less than a quarter of his lab. And most of the white fortress behind it, but he didn't really pay attention to the small details). The former captain had politely requested that Szayel get rid of the clones as soon as possible. Of course, as with everything Aizen said, there had been a subtle undertone: I am your Lord. Only I create unnecessarily destructive beings. To the unexpressed relief of all the Arrancars, the clones mysteriously vanished overnight. On an unrelated note, there had been reports shortly afterwards of a strange infestation of new Hollows in the Menos Forest. Of course, Szayel had had no idea why.

The Espada also couldn't say anything against Aizen's use of his technology, of course. That was sure to give him a one-way ticket to Hell. The unusually pink-haired man leaned forwards, lacing his fingers under his chin. There were some very personal thoughts and feelings being expressed on his screen and naturally, Szayel Aporro Granz was recording the whole thing.

…

Gin flashed-stepped into what he fondly called his 'torture chamber'. Some Arrancars had also taken to calling it that, but for some reason whenever they talked about it, it was with a mixture of fear and hatred.

The soul reaper snapped back to reality when he saw Sosuke Aizen sitting at the table, surrounded by an aura of calm intimidation. Even his carefully styled hair radiated calculated menace. Such was the way of the lord of Hueco Mundo.

"I'm glad you're here," Aizen said warmly. "Take a seat."

Gin did so.

"So Gin," said Aizen. "Tell me about your childhood."

Gin's smile almost split his face in two, but upon finding this was not helping him think of an answer that wasn't 'Perfectly fine until you came along, you b******,' simply said, "Could have been better. Killed a couple of guys on your behalf. You know the story."

"Indeed," said Aizen, in a way that made Gin immediately mentally check his limbs to make sure that they were all there. It was always better to be safe than sorry when it came to Sosuke Aizen.

Gin raised a finger. "Pardon me, Lord Aizen, but why am I here instead of Kaname? I'm perfectly sane!"

Aizen blinked. "Perfectly sane?"

"Of course!" Gin said, grinning like a lunatic.

Aizen smiled in a fatherly manner that sent shivers down Gin's spine. "Oh, Gin," he said. "Do you honestly think I haven't figured out your plan?"

Gin's heartbeat was like thunder in his ears. If Aizen had figured him out, he was deader than Omaeda's love life. With an effort he tried to make himself sound calm as he replied, but in his nervous state all he could manage was a non-committal "Hmm?"

Aizen's smile turned friendlier. If Gin had been anyone else, he would have done the smart thing and run out of there as fast as he could. But being the danger-luvin' smart alec that he was, he remained in his seat.

"I searched through your Internet history, you see," he said. "I found your account on Uraharasshoten/perfectlylegalhumbleshopkeeper .com. I know you've been ordering suspicious items online…"

Oh, no. If Aizen knew that much then he must have discovered Gin's username. No. SilverSnakeDude must remain anonymous!

"… and I know exactly why," continued the soon-to-be godlike being. Gin waited on the edge of his seat for a tense ten seconds before Aizen said, "It's for your plan… your plan, to throw me the largest birthday celebration Hueco Mundo has ever seen!"

The perpetually smiling man felt a strange mixture of emotions; fear, relief, a little freaked out by the whole experience - as well as an odd craving for cucumbers and honey. He supposed the latter was probably due to the sudden release of stress.

Aizen looked at him. "Oh, Gin," he said. "Don't you know that I know everything? I'm very much looking forward to what you have planned for me."

…

"And then I started panicking. I don't even know when Lord Aizen's birthday is, or how old he is. What if I put too many candles on the cake and he gets offended? What would I do then?" Gin said. "He can't be more than middle-aged, you know, a couple of centuries, give or take a few decades. And that's when I came up with the brilliant idea of not making him a cake at all. Then I woke up."

"How did that dream experience make you feel?" asked Zommari.

Gin thought about it for a moment. "Strange," he said. "Like how Yammy might feel if anyone ever pays him a compliment. Or how Szayel must have felt when I tested his vanity by saying Mayuri Kurotsuchi was better than he was." Gin paused suddenly. Something was not quite right here.

The Septima Espada nodded. "Yes, Szayel Aporro told me he added that to the list of why he hates you. It has become fairly long. Lord Aizen was impressed."

Gin put a hand over his heart in a gesture of sincerity. (Somewhere in Las Noches, Szayel was almost gagging at his lack of his style.) "I'm touched!" said the silver haired soul reaper. "He devoted that much time and effort into putting his feelings into words. I'm surprised that didn't come up in our session!"

Zommari frowned slightly. "You are proud of that fact? I find that very interesting." He began writing, and Gin realised why he had felt that something was different as he noticed his pen in Zommari's hand.

"Now, what's going on here?" he asked, the grin on his face lessening the severity of his tone. "How is it that you are my psychiatrist all of a sudden? And why do you have my clipboard?"

…

"Well, well, Tousen," Szayel said jovially. "It looked like there was some reverse psychology being used there."

The dark skinned soul reaper turned towards him. "I don't think you quite understand the principle of 'reverse psychology', Szayel Aporro."

But the Arrancar had just noticed two familiar faces in one of his cameras, and was too occupied in switching the corridors around to be paying any attention.

…

"I highly doubt that that is the case, Yammy."

"It's got to be true, Ulquiorra! Ichimaru brainwashed the others. That's got to be why none of the Espadas have killed him yet."

The emotionless Arrancar ignored his companion's flimsy reasoning and continued at his brisk pace down the high-ceilinged, white corridors of Las Noches, past large pillars and magnificently grand doors. The Cuarto stopped at one of said doors, and looked at it for a long while.

"Come on, Ulquiorra. You said you would get the Inoue girl to cook for me –" Yammy stopped when he noticed the double doors, then turned back to the smaller man. "You see what I mean?"

Ulquiorra simply turned and walked away without saying a word. Yammy, after some grumbling along the lines of 'I told him so', followed suit.

On the door to the temporary psychiatrist's office, there was a large sign. This pure white sheet of paper could perhaps have gone unnoticed by casual observers, bar the occasional glance, had it not been sporting large, cursive, colourful letters spelling out five words. Beneath was a smiling picture of Gin Ichimaru, and lower still were more words completing a sentence, so it read, 'You must be at least this crazy to enter.'

…

Zommari sat rather calmly on the other side of the table. Gin didn't know why. None of the others had been even remotely calm this far into the session.

"Now, then," began Gin. "Zommari. You seem rather relaxed. What's the matter? Am I not intimidating enough for you?"

The muscular Espada shrugged. "I suppose that to others, you are a living nightmare." Gin nodded in agreement. He'd been subject to that very reaction on numerous occasions. "However," continued Zommari, "I have trained myself to retain my anger and fear. I am at peace with myself and am attuned to the harmonies of the universe."

Gin was in the middle of writing this down (he would later look over this when he was bored and erupt in fits of laughter) when what the man had said actually set in. "Harmonies?" he repeated incredulously.

"Of the universe, yes," rumbled the Septima. "You seem confused."

"Not at all!" Gin said happily. "No. I'm not confused. In fact, things seem clearer than ever now." On his trusty clipboard, he wrote down a few notes: 'Starrk – lazy; Barragan – senile; Szayel - vain; Noitora – temperamental; and now Zommari – hippie to boot. Seriously doubting Aizen's reasoning and sanity if these are the best soldiers he can come up with.'

Zommari nodded. "I am glad I have managed to enlighten you. No one else was willing to listen to me when I tried to free their souls. I think anger has consumed them all."

Ah, thought Gin with sudden clarity. So that's what Barragan meant. I can definitely see how that kind of talk would get annoying to these rage-monsters known as Espadas.

"You said you 'trained yourself'," said Gin. "That's interesting! But what in Hueco Mundo are you talking about?"

"Meditation!" Zommari said with enthusiasm. That is to say, his abyss-deep voice rose in volume by a slightly noticeable amount. "I meditate often. It helps me to find inner peace."

Gin rolled his eyes. "Watch out, Soul Society," he muttered. "We've got Zen and free love on our side."

Zommari was still talking. "I tried to advocate this to Noitora once, but he told me to man up and fight him. I wasn't sure what he meant, but I fought him anyway. He would have beaten me too, if not for my incredible abilities."

Aha, thought the soul reaper triumphantly. Enter Gin Ichimaru. Finally, to set him against one of the Gotei thirteen captains.

"Tell me all about your power," said Gin, leaning forwards attentively.

"My Resurreción is called Amor."

The silver haired man sighed. "'Love', Zommari? Really?"

"And my sonido is the fastest. I call it Gemelo."

"'Twin', huh – hold up," said Gin suddenly. His patented smile turned from normal to slightly mischievous. "Did you just say your sonido is the fastest?"

…

Ulquiorra walked through the pristine white corridors of the huge building, Yammy close behind him. He turned a corner, and as he passed a familiar door with a familiar face plastered on the front of it, realised he had somehow just walked in a large circle. He stopped abruptly.

"Hey, Ulquiorra."

"What is it, Yammy?"

His large companion hesitated for a minute before speaking. "This place looks familiar. That door's even got that sign we saw earlier!"

Ulquiorra closed his eyes. If he was capable of feeling, he would have felt a deep sense of self-pity that he was the one stuck with this big, lumbering idiot. Sometimes, the Cuarto wondered whether the only purpose of Yammy's existence, the sole reason why Lord Aizen had brought him into being, was so that he could clear up the leftovers after every meal, which seemed to be the only thing Yammy did effectively.

He turned to the taller man. "That door looks the same," he said slowly, so Yammy could keep up, "because it is the same. Someone switched the corridors around, which is why we've been walking for so long."

Yammy's eyes narrowed in confusion. "But who would do that?"

Ulquiorra turned his empty emerald gaze to a point at the top of a pillar, where a small lens reflected the surreal light brightly. "You are truly an idiot if you don't know, Yammy. I shall save what little brain cells you have from the arduous task of guessing. It is that piece of trash we call Szayel."

Yammy glowered at the technically lower ranked Espada for the insult before raising his glare to the camera.

"Cero."

…

Szayel leaned back. "That's a shame," he said, flicking a lock of hair out of his eyes. "It was fun while it lasted." He raised a pink eyebrow as Yammy proceeded to take out a couple of other cameras, the screens turning dark one by one. The Octava folded his arms.

"They could have just asked me to restore the corridors," he muttered sullenly.

…

Meanwhile, Gin was having the time of his afterlife with Zommari.

"Your sonido is the fastest out of all the Espada," he said, a hint of smugness entering his voice. "But it's certainly not the fastest I've seen!"

"I can guarantee," said the Septima, "that my sonido is faster than your soul reaper shunpo."

Gin rested against the back of the chair with an arm flung casually over the side, the very picture of relaxation. "Mine, perhaps," he said. "But not –"

"Whose?" interrupted Zommari. "There can be none faster than mine."

The soul reaper's smile widened. "Captain Byakuya Kuchiki of the Soul Society. His flash-step is rumoured to be even faster than Yoruichi Shihoin's, the 'flash-step goddess'." Of course, that wasn't strictly speaking true, but Zommari didn't need to know that.

Zommari shook his head. "Impossible. There can be none faster than mine."

Gin chuckled. "Sounds like denial to me! Now, Lord Aizen anticipates Captain Kuchiki's arrival fairly soon…"

The Espada's eyes narrowed slightly. "Then I shall confront him. And I will be victorious." And, as if to prove a point, Zommari sonido-ed out of the chamber, leaving Gin sitting alone at his table.

I'm so manipulative, he thought with pride. Me: eight. Espada: cero!

Author's note: ...See what I did there?

Many, many thanks to forever122 for the 'Aizen the Psychiatrist' idea which I used at the start of this chapter. And many, many thanks to all the rest of you who reviewed, favourited (that's not a word, is it?) or followed my story. I really wouldn't have had the motivation otherwise. Sorry for all the ***s, I'm uncomfortable swearing. I just like to keep people in character, that's all. :) Oh, and about that crack about Omaeda... I just had to. He just annoys me.

Ulquiorra next! It's a real shame to think that this story will be ending soon. Anyways, see you!