I didn't speak to Gold for the rest of the day. It upset him, I could tell. He was the sort of person who let everything he felt show on his face. I felt a little guilty. Just a little. He had brought it all down on himself, after all. Kissing me like that, even after I'd said no.
I did say no. I didn't kiss him back. I didn't enjoy it. I did say no.
I shook my head. It wasn't working. No matter how much I tried to convince myself, I still knew that I hadn't really said no. I could've pushed him away if I'd wanted to. I was bigger and stronger than him, it would have been easy even with him making me go all weak and dizzy with his stupid kiss. But I hadn't. Even worse, I had reacted to it. His tongue was in my mouth and I reacted to it. And I don't mean just kissing him back, either. I mean... down there.
It was so embarrassing. I kept telling myself this was Gold I was dealing with- Gold. But that only seemed to make things worse. He was an idiot, sure. But he was also an idiot who loved me. Or thought he loved me. Or claimed he loved me.
He had volunteered to sleep on the couch, like he was doing me a favour, but to be honest I would rather have slept on the couch myself. I still hadn't mustered up the courage to get in my bed, after what happened last night. I couldn't help but wonder what Gold had been dreaming about for such a thing to happen. It might not have been anything. He was seventeen years old; a kid driven by hormones and lusting after sexual relief. I was damn pleased I had never been like that. But then, how could I with him trailing after me confessing his undying love left right and centre? It was enough to put a person off sex for life.
The conclusion I had came to was that the object of Gold's dream had been a girl, for quite a simple reason. That sort of dream, the sexual sort, was one that involved, well, sex. I had never experienced one myself, but I had looked it up on my laptop before leaving for work. Apparently they subconsciously expressed a strong desire to 'get to know' whoever the person in the dream may be. I wondered who Gold wanted to 'get to know'. Yellow? Nah, they hardly spoke any more. Sapphire? Well, he was out of luck there, everyone knew she was dating Ruby. Crystal? I bit my lip. It could be Crystal. He worked with her, after all. All that time alone together in a hot kitchen...
I suddenly felt a pang of anger in my chest. What the hell! Gold said he loved me, didn't he? So what was he doing having dream-sex with Crystal? She wasn't even that pretty, and let's face it, she wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box. Sure, she was nice enough, but her downright weirdness overshadowed that completely. If you compared me and Crystal, it was obvious I was better, right?
I sat down gingerly on the bed, hating myself. The way I was acting, it was almost as if... as if I wanted his dream to have been about me. But that couldn't be right, not to mention impossible. Gold was a man, and so was I. Neither of us had what was necessary for people to have... intercourse. Some things just couldn't be done! So his dream couldn't have been about me. Unless one of us had been a female in it. I grew angry at the thought, and punched my pillow. How dare he envision me as a woman! I was more of a man that he'd ever be, damn it!
My bed didn't feel right underneath me as I lay down. I felt dirty just sitting on it; I couldn't bring myself to even try wriggling under the duvet, even though it was getting pretty cold just lying there in my boxers and T-shirt. It was like I was invading Gold's privacy somehow. I shuffled over to his side of the bed subconsciously, fiddling with the end of the covers nervously. Gold had done such a shameful thing right where I was laying. That dirty, embarrassing dream had taken place exactly where I was. To my horror I found that I was blushing, the horrible burning sensation spreading all down my neck and up to the tips of my ears.
It didn't look like I was going to get any sleep tonight.
I tried to talk it over with Blue the next day, but it was extremely difficult, for obvious reasons. She would consider me seriously insane if I told her a kiss had actually frightened me. And it did frighten me. A lot. Because I kissed back, and revelled in the feeling of weakness it gave to me.
"So, she kissed me yesterday," I said at our lunch break, taking another chip from the bag Blue and me were sharing. I tried to make sound as nonchalant as possible, like it really didn't mean anything at all and I could have been simply announcing the weather forecast.
"Oh?" I could almost see Blue's ears pricking up. "And? What did you do?"
I bit my tongue. "Nothing," I said.
"Nothing? You mean you didn't kiss her back?"
I cringed inwardly. I had a feeling she would say that. I didn't want to say 'yes'. But if I said 'no' she would get angry at me, and I wasn't in the mood for her bitching. "Sort of," I finally decided on. Blue raised an eyebrow but didn't complain.
"Progress," she said, nodding. "So why are you so tense about it? And don't deny it, Silver, you look like a rabbit in the headlights."
"I do not," I snapped. "Don't start. It was just a bit of tongue, it didn't-"
"She French kissed you?" Blue gasped, her eyes lighting up with what looked like disbelief. Disbelief and amusement. I didn't approve of her laughing at me, and glared down at my lap.
"It wasn't anything like that," I muttered, wishing I'd never said anything.
"So that's why you're so shook up. You idiot! That's just what people do in a relationship, you don't have to worry about it. Or is this another of those 'moving too fast' things?" Blue raised her eyebrows at me. "If you didn't like it you shouldn't have 'sort of' kissed her back."
"I'm not saying I didn't like it!" The words were out before I could stop them. Blue didn't seem surprised, but she didn't know the real situation. I didn't have a girlfriend, I had Gold! And had just practically admitted that I liked having his tongue in my mouth. That was just... Ugh! Even worse, I had implied that I liked how he made me feel. That, I knew, wasn't true. I hated how weak he made me. That was why I couldn't let him touch me. Too much and I would break.
"Hey, what's up?" I looked up and groaned, not even trying to hide my disdain. Green was swiftly sauntering over to our checkout.
"Get back to the TM department," I said as soon as he reached us. Green just laughed and flipped his chestnut-coloured hair out of his eyes, leaning forward to rest his elbow in the counter. He was giving us that stupid smirky smile that he had obvious spent hours practising in the mirror. God, what a poser. I didn't like Green and he didn't like me. Unfortunately though, Blue liked both of us and wasn't willing to compromise.
"Someone's on her period," Green commented, jerking his head towards me and sniggering.
"Fuck off."
"Hey, hey!" Blue stood up, waving a hand at me as a signal to shut up. "If the boss catches you saying stuff like that it'll be hi ho Silver away. And Green, you didn't come here just to pick a fight, did you?"
"Of course not!" Green said innocently, widening his eyes convincingly. "Things are going slow on my floor, and we're running low on change for the tills. I came to see if you had any spare. And perhaps to chat with this lovely lady in the process."
His performance was so disgustingly cheesy that I pretended to be sick.
"Stop it, Silver!" Blue shook her head at me. Sometimes her 'big sister' instinct really got the better of her. She turned back to Green and began rifling through the till for some change. "Don't pay any attention to him, Green, he's in a bad mood as usual."
"Is it that he can't get laid? Because I can think of quite a few reasons for that," Green said, still smiling. I clenched my fists.
"No, he could get laid, it's just that he doesn't want to," Blue told him helpfully. She handed him a handful of coins, and he nearly dropped them as he began to laugh.
"Y'know, Silver, fear of sex is a serious medical condition; maybe you should see a doctor!" he spluttered, grinning all over his smug face. I seriously considered wiping off that grin via my fist, but decided against it. He wasn't worth losing my job over.
"You'd better be grateful there's a security camera in here," I hissed. Had it not been for the fact that all the evidence would be left on tape, I would have wasted no time flooring the little bastard.
"So what's going down?" Green asked, finally getting over the fact that someone existed whose life didn't revolve around sex. We weren't all as desperate as he was. In a space of two weeks, I had witnessed him leaving work with three different girls. Two were giggling teenagers, but one had to have been at least five years older than him. She should have known better.
"That's none of your fucking business," I said but Blue talked over me, saying, "Silver has a girlfriend but he's too scared to make a move on her."
"Blue! Shut up, shut up!" I snapped, my face flaming. Green started laughing again, delighted at my blushing. I jerked my head away so he couldn't see. I hated how I went so red at such stupid things. It was fine for Green, he could laugh all he wanted because he didn't have the same problem. And Blue was so calm it was almost impossible for her to get hot under the collar. She was looking up at me worriedly, and I wondered if she had misunderstood.
"Was it a secret?" she asked. "I'm sorry, I didn't know!"
"Fine, fine," I grumbled. "But don't tell anyone else." I rounded on Green. "Speak a word and I swear, I won't kill you but I'll make you wish you were dead, you slimy little fucker."
Green sniggered and plastered a sickeningly fake smile on his face. Reaching across the counter, he pinched my cheek between his thumb and forefinger and gave it an affectionate tug. "Why are you being so defensive?" he asked sweetly. "If I didn't know any better, Silver, I'd say you made the whole story up to impress Blue, and now you're trying to cover it up."
I slapped his hand away and leaped at him, only to be wrenched back by Blue. I stood there panting with rage, telling myself that if it weren't for Blue's arms around my waist, Green would be rolling around on the floor with a broken jaw. I rubbed my throbbing cheek, glaring at him. "Why the hell would I make it up?" I spat furiously.
"Make yourself look good," Green suggested. "Can't get a girlfriend, so just invent one. It makes sense."
"Green, why would he make one up only to stress over?" Blue asked. He chose to ignore her.
"What does she even look like?" he demanded.
"Sh-She..." I faltered, but only for a second. "She's about five and a half feet tall. Short black hair, dark brown eyes. Bites her nails."
"Ha!" Green snorted. "I could look out the window now and see at least five girls like that. What's her name?"
"I'm not telling you."
"Because she doesn't have one."
"No, because I don't want you using my love-life and another piece of gossip for you to bitch about with your shitty fan-girls," I corrected, as calmly as I could.
"Fan-girls? You're such a geek. You have got to be making this up," Green said. "Unless you can show me some proof."
"I don't have to prove anything to you! I don't even like you!"
The corners of Green's mouth twisted up into a smirk and he let out a small, triumphant chuckle, as if to say 'I knew it'. As much as I hated it, I was powerless to stop him. After all, loathe I was to admit it, he was sort of right. I didn't have a girlfriend. I had Gold, and if Green found that out I'd never hear the end of it. So I had to bite the insides of my cheeks raw to stop myself shouting out something I'd regret.
Blue sighed. "Leave him alone, Green," she said. "He's entitled to his privacy, even though I'd like him to introduce her to us."
"I knew it! You think he's making it up, too," Green declared, grinning at me proudly.
"I never said that," Blue said without a pause. "But even if he was that doesn't mean it's okay to pick on him. I mean, respect is very important, and as a young man it is considered 'uncool' not to have a girlfriend. It's understandable that he would want people to think-"
"Blue!" I cried. "Why are you taking his side? You're saying you don't believe me either, is that it?"
Blue turned to me, a sheepish smile on her face. "Of course I believe you," she said gently. "But... Now that Green mentions it, you've never even told me her name, Silver."
I stared at her incredulously. Green, fair enough, he was a little prick and jumped at any chance to start a fight with me, but Blue, she was my friend and the only one I felt even halfway comfortable discussing the delicate status of my relationship with. She was meant to stick by me and take my side no matter how ridiculous my argument! I couldn't help but feel betrayed.
"Fine, screw both of you then. You think I care whether you believe me or not? Go on, have a good laugh then, because I don't give a damn," I said coldly.
"Oh God, he's sulking," Green murmured, covering his eyes with his hands. That was the last straw.
"Now listen here, you son-of-a-bitch, if you think I'm going to take this shit, then you've got another fucking thing coming. You want a fight, fine, I'll make you scream and I'll enjoy it, you little fuck," I hissed, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and yanking him over the counter so that he was nose-to-nose with me.
He smiled. He raised his hand and patted me understandingly on the shoulder. "I get it now," he said. "This whole girlfriend business is just to cover up that you're gay."
The fist that I had pulled back and had ready to smash down into his smug face froze mid-air. The flared anger that was twisting my face disappeared and I blanked completely. Then, slowly, I felt the heat creep up my neck and into my cheeks. In less than five seconds I could practically feel the steam coming out of my ears. My face felt as if it was on fire, and my head was throbbing with all the blood rushing there. And I couldn't even move to hide it. I could only stand there and let Blue and Green feel the heated embarrassment radiating off me.
"Um, hey," Green said uncertainly. He tapped the fist that still clutched the front of his shirt. "I was only joking. You can let go." I relinquished my grip without a word, and he quickly stepped back and straightened himself up. I, on the other hand, had to sit down.
Blue put her hand on my burning forehead. "Silver, are you okay?" she asked, but before I got a chance to reply, the manager, Sarah Lane, appeared and yelled at Green to get back to his floor. She was your traditional wolf in sheep's clothing; a small, mousey woman who insisted 'call me Sarah' when customers were around and then transformed into the Iron Lady when she had us alone. I hated her, we all did, but right then I was immensely grateful for her grating commands.
Green groaned. "Yes, Ms Lane," he said. He waved at Blue before leaving. "See ya later, Blue."
When he had gone, Blue knelt down beside my chair and looked up at my face. "What's wrong?" she asked quietly.
I blinked and suddenly my eyes came to life. I stared at her wildly. "I'm not gay," I told her. I expected her to be confused, but she just smiled.
"Okay, Silver. And as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted..." I didn't miss her swift change of subject. "Because you're always on the defensive, your girlfriend is the one making all the moves, and she only knows that you don't like something until it's too late and she's already done it. Next time she tries to do something with you, it could just be holding hands or something, try responding to let her know you're comfortable with it. Squeeze her hand, kiss her back or whatever. Then, if you freeze up, she'll know that you're not ready for it and back off."
I licked my lips, taking deep breaths in order to compose myself. "So, what you're saying is, I should make the first move?" I asked slowly. I wasn't even going to think about how impossible that was. I had serious trouble taking all this stuff, how was I supposed to give it?
"Not exactly," Blue said. "You're too nervous for that! Just... let her make the move, and then when she does, do something to let her know you like it. Think you can manage that?"
I closed my eyes, knowing I would be agreeing to take on a major task. "I'll try," I said eventually. I wasn't making any promises. But I would definitely try.
I psyched myself up for it as I waited for Gold to come home. He would probably give me a 'hello' kiss, but that was too high level for me. If I could somehow get him to hold my hand, though, then maybe I could manage to hold his, for a little while. Then I punched the cushion on the sofa into a pulp. I was acting like a schoolgirl with a crush, damn it! I didn't have any reason to go out of my way for Gold. Other than I sort of owed it to him. And that part of me, a tiny, tiny part of me maybe even wanted to.
I wasn't falling in love with Gold, I told myself. I was just doing him a favour. Cheering him up a bit.
But I didn't get a chance to put my plan into action. Gold didn't give me a welcoming kiss. I wasn't exactly disappointed by that, but what struck me was that he didn't try to touch me at all the entire night. When we were watching the last episode of Torchwood before bed, I purposely left me hand, palm up, at my side between us. I coughed and cleared my throat several times in an attempt to drag Gold's eyes away from the screen so he'd notice. Each time he'd asked if I was okay, but had blatantly ignored my hand which I was discreetly offering to him.
I didn't see why I was annoyed. Gold hadn't acted any differently from how he usually did. Still the same dumb grin. But the fact that I had actually made an effort for him, or at least tried to, and that he had remained oblivious to it angered me. Couldn't he see how difficult it was for me to do these things? He should have at least had the decency to respond!
That night Gold slept on the couch, snoring his head off, while I laid awake in my bed.
–
Something happened to FFN yesterday, it seems, which meant email alerts from the site weren't working. They seem to be back up now, however, so I'll use this chance to update Leaps and Bounds!
I wasn't planning on adding Green to the mix when I first started this story, but he just seemed to fit, and I love his and Silver's rivalry (although I'm doing gameverse, I heard they dislike each other in the manga and so added that element). Silver is the sort of person who would probably be fun to tease, and since Green isn't afraid of getting a black eye, he's all for taking advantage of that!
All through this story I've portrayed Silver as the brains of the outfit, but when it comes to sexual knowledge he has no clue! I thought it rather cute that he thought two men engaging in sexual intercourse was impossible.
I might be aiming high here, but I really want to make this the GoldxSilver story. There's not much competition, but I'm getting so into writing this that I can't help but set my sights high! I might sound a bit arrogant here, but it's not as if I don't expect to have to work even harder on this story before it becomes worthy. Please excuse any rudeness you might sense here! I'm sure there are GoldxSilver fics that are much better than mine, but I think this is the longest one there is, and I'm planning on improving a lot as the story progresses.