Note: Thanks again to Zivacentric, iyimgrace and everybody else reading my story! Just one more chapter after this one, I hope, this thing is kind of keeping me awake until I finish it!

He fell to his knees, heart jumping into his throat and suffocating him as they all saw and heard the explosion coming from over the lines of trees.

Chapter 10

The sudden and complete freeze Gibbs's mind and body went into unfortunately only lasted for a few seconds. He felt his heart squeeze with very real physical pain as his brain began to go into overdrive. Funny what things come to mind in moments like this, he thought. Or feelings. Memories of himself loosing it when they told him about Shannon and Kelly mixed with his daughter's laughing face, then Hernandez's blood on the windshield, Kate smiling at him just before the bullet went through her forehead, the long drive to that place in the desert where Jenny chose to die – yes, he could accept that now- mixed with the memory of his intense, visceral need to kill somebody, first Tony when he told him, then the people responsible, Ziva's face when he arrived... Then the images changed – Ziva in his basement when she shot her own brother, Ziva with Tony undercover in that hotel room, her picking locks, kicking some bad guy's ass, eating take-out Chinese at her desk, just Ziva - hundreds of images followed one another like a kaleidoscope turned on in his head. He's been through this before, through the desperation of loosing somebody he ... cared about 'You can't say it even now, can you, Jethro'.

But every time he had something else to focus on, someone else too to hold responsible besides himself, someone to hunt down, to capture, to kill. Now he had nothing. Everybody will tell him it wasn't his fault, that his apparently gung-ho agents made the decision to come all by themselves, but he knew better, he shouldn't have gotten involved in this, he should have let the Air Force take over, he should have known his team wasn't going to just stay back, he should have known.

It felt like hours, but only seconds passed before he shook his head and stood shakily. There were things to take care of, a case to wrap up, a body to identify… Didn't he tell Paula once he wouldn't stop to mourn until everything was finished?

He saw O'Neill standing beside him, darkened face and haunted eyes – probably reliving his own losses. He wanted to reach out to the agent, to comfort him in some way, but stopped himself. It wouldn't help at this stage, he knew that too well. Gibbs' voice was low and raspy when he managed to open his mouth. "I should… I should go to the scene, see what…"

O'Neill nodded. "I'm coming with you" he instinctively took point as they began to walk through the forest.

Just a few steps later he raised his arm, senses on alert. Gibbs should have heard it also, the slight crack of a small branch, if his mind would have been properly focused. They both stepped silently into the bushes, guns in hand. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand – some instincts never really went away- and turned rapidly, ready to fire.

A dark figure behind some trees raised its arms.

"Gibbs"

He felt dizzy, breath once again caught in his throat.

"Ziva"

She stepped forward, lowering her arms and holstering her gun.

"Gibbs, I didn't know what was going on here so…" she was now close enough to see his face properly. "What is it?"

He still had trouble finding his voice, afraid of what will come out if he opened his mouth. O'Neill beat him to it. "Officer David, we thought you were dead. We heard the explosion, knew you were unaware of the fact that the helo was rigged to blow…"

Understanding dawned on her face. "Oh…" She looked at her boss again, his expression raw and unguarded, revealing more than she ever saw him reveal.

"Gibbs, I am so sorry I…"

He groaned low in his throat and pulled her to him, one hand keeping her impossibly close to his body, the other holding the back of her neck. A few seconds passed before he could speak, words muffled in her hair. "Ziva, I thought…, oh God, Ziver"

She squeezed him back, face buried in his chest. "I'm OK Gibbs, I'm OK"

He let her go, suddenly aware of what he was doing and of the fact they were not alone. O'Neill was partially turned away, radio in hand, apparently oblivious. Gibbs didn't buy that.

"Teal'c, come in"

"O'Neill. The helicopter is completely destroyed. Only four bodies are here, no sign of a fifth"

"Yeah, I know. Officer David is here, she's fine. You can come back, I'll call for a cleaning crew and another chopper"

"Understood"

He put his radio away and turned to the two agents. "Gibbs, a word please"

'Yeah, I knew this was coming' Gibbs thought. "Ziva, I imagine you saw where the others are. Go tell DiNozzo and McGee you're not dead. And stay there. We will talk about the stunt you three pulled later, you can count on that"

She nodded and lowered her head. Now was certainly not the time to try to argue her case.

"I will deal with my people, Colonel, don't worry"

"I know you will. That's not it" O'Neill looked like he swallowed something sour, the tips of his boots apparently very interesting.

'So, one of those talks…' Gibbs waited, not willing to help the man out.

"Look, Agent Gibbs. What you do in your own private life is certainly none of my business. But if it involves Carter's happiness or well-being it becomes my business"

'Not oblivious indeed' Gibbs thought. "Your business as her CO, or…"

"As her CO and her friend, Gibbs. If you go behind her back, if you hurt her…"

"Come on O'Neill, give her some credit. She is very capable of taking care of herself" Gibbs couldn't help baiting the man a little.

O'Neill's eyes fixated on his own. No hesitation now.

"Yes she is, and don't you forget that. And I would, and do, put my life in her hands on a daily basis. But she also has a good heart and chooses to always see the good in people, thus leaving herself vulnerable to…getting hurt. I'll say it again, if you are taking advantage of that…"

Gibbs decided he riled O'Neill enough. And, to be honest, he was glad Sam had someone who cared about her enough to start a talk which obviously made him more than uncomfortable.

"Don't bother with the threats, O'Neill. I never would, or did, take advantage of her, nor would I ever go behind her back. I do care about her a lot, and she knows exactly where we stand. As for emotional commitment… we're both in similar situations, as you well know"

"I don't know what you're talking about" his face was set, muscles in his jaw twitching.

"Oh, come on! None of us are idiots, and don't pretend otherwise"

O'Neill's eyes lowered, not having the energy to argue anymore. "I just want her to be happy…"

Gibbs understood that. "I know you do. But you must know she'll never be really happy, not with me, not with somebody else, not until…"

"Don't!" he couldn't hear this now.

"Yeah… Let's just go back, they must be wondering what we're doing here"

…

Back at the warehouse the packing seemed to be finished, everything stuck in large boxes, away from prying eyes. The conclusion was that the explosion happened as the pilot's body slid sideways and the door's closing mechanism, already damaged from the gun fire, opened.

The three NCIS agents took everything that Gibbs launched at them silently, happy they still had their jobs. Ziva apparently saw Tony and McGee getting shot (the zat was explained as a classified electro-shock weapon) and couldn't be sure if the black-clad men were friends or foe, so she decided to hang back and follow them to the warehouse. Seeing Gibbs walking freely with O'Neill calmed her doubts, thus her appearance act in the forest.

By the time another helicopter arrived to pick them up the sun was already up. Gibbs couldn't remember the last time he felt so drained, both physically and emotionally. At least the case was finally over and he could have some time to figure things out, just him and his boat.

…..

It was again late evening by the time Sam appeared at the top of the stairs to Gibbs's basement. He emptied a jar similar to the one he was holding and poured her some bourbon. She smiled up at him as she took the drink and sat on a stool, swirling the liquid around.

"So, things turned out pretty well in the end, didn't they?" Sam searched for a way to start a conversation.

"Yeah, they did. You guys do this sort of thing often?" he still found it hard to imagine this was her daily life.

"Well, stuff doesn't often happen so much in our back yard, but other than that, yeah. Much worst sometimes. But it's worth it. Plus, you can't imagine the things I've seen…"

"You could tell me about 'things' some day. Or you can tell me now, Abby would die to know, what do you know about the crop circles and little green men?" Gibbs meant it as a joke.

She smiled, mischievously. "Well, sorry to disappoint, but the crop circles are bull, and the little green men are actually grey"

His face fell. "You're serious?"

"Quite. They are our most important allies, in fact"

"Geez, Sam"

"Yeah, I know". She turned serious "Jethro, I'm so sorry I wasn't there earlier, when you thought… when the chopper blew"

He shook his head. "It's okay, really. It was just minutes before it was cleared up. I was fine" his face said otherwise, though.

"Minutes can feel like hours, trust me, I know". He didn't deny that.

She went on "And I heard you had a…talk with Colonel O'Neill. Did he give you a hard time about your team showing up?"

'So he didn't tell her. Well, of course he didn't' "It wasn't about that, Sam" if O'Neill couldn't say anything, he certainly could.

"Oh?"

"It was about you". Her eyes widened. "He witnessed my reaction to Ziva's back-from-the-dead act. He was afraid I was … playing behind your back"

She was horrified. "Oh God Jethro, I'm so sorry…"

He stopped her. "No, don't be. I would have reacted the same way he did. He… really cares for you Sam"

She turned red and lowered her eyes. "He cares about all of us, the team, we're family"

Gibbs just snorted, but didn't continue. She did, though.

"Jethro, we're really good together, aren't we?"

'Here it comes' he thought. "Yes we are"

"And you know I love you", he nodded "I'm just not…"

"in love with me" he filled in.

Her eyes jumped to his "Something like that, yeah. I'm …"

"Sam, stop saying you're sorry" he placed his hand on her cheek, caressing her with his thumb. "Truth is, I had the same speech planned, was just too chicken to spill it"

"You did? You were?"

"Yeah. But I do love you, you know that, right?"

She stood and hugged him, placing her head on his shoulder. "I know"

She stayed like that for a while, then giggled softly.

"Sam?"

"I hate to use such a cliché, but I hope we're still friends"

It was his turn to laugh before turning serious again. He lifted her head from his chest and looked her straight in the eyes "Always Sam".

She looked at him some more before reaching up and kissing him lightly on the lips "Mmmm…"

"Don't tempt me Sam, it's been a while, you know…"

"Oh yeah, how could I not" she swept her eyes over him slowly, leaving him all flustered. She took advantage of that. "So, Jethro, when are you going to go talk to her?"

"Wh… what, who?"

She gave him a disbelieving look "Oh, come on, Jethro. Who do you think?"

He paused, trying to gather his wits. "Sam, I can't"

"Yes you can. Believe me, I understand the need for rules and regulations. But still, I'm sure you can find a way, if you want it enough. And I think you do"

"You could take your own advice, you know"

Her eyes saddened "It's not the same. The Air Force regulations… "

"At least talk to him Sam. He's your CO, he'll never initiate something that could hurt your career, or you. The ball is kind of in your court"

She knew that was true, but still didn't know if she'll ever have the guts to actually tackle the subject instead of just skirting around it.

She changed the focus again "Jethro, you deserve some happiness. Just…try. Get it off your chest and take it from there. Maybe it'll work, maybe not, but at least you won't live knowing you never tried"

She left a couple of hours later with the promise to meet again soon. Knowing now what her job was like, he wasn't sure when or if that was going to happen. If he worried about her before, now things were gonna be a hundred times worse. There were in fact a lot of things he wasn't sure about.

He poured another glass of bourbon and tossed it down his throat. He didn't drink nearly enough to be intoxicated, but later he will probably still blame the alcohol for the fact that he found himself at one in the morning standing in front of Ziva's door, finger poised to knock.