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A Forever Kind Of Love
Chapter 10.
The front door swung open and almost off it's hinges, cold blast of air swirling into the house and bringing in with it a sprinkle of rain. The thunder thumping hard across the sky and objects below, windows in the house shook. Cheryl was taken aback watching her brother walk in stiffly and making his way to the drinks cabinet. Glass in hand it fell hard against the dark wooden surface.
Simon shot Cheryl a look of regret when he followed soon after soaked to the bone. He removed his jacket to puddle water over the carpet as he held it at arms length and backed against the door clicking it shut. He was calm considering; continuously eyeballing Brendan. Cheryl closed the gap between them "What's happened?"
"Ste's gone. And Anne too, they're on their way to the airport" Simon's face fell. "Brendan, he's pretty gutted"
"Okay" Cheryl squeezed Simon's shoulder "Can ye leave us?" Simon agreed hanging up his jacket, the detective made his way up the stairs.
Cheryl looked back at Brendan unscrewing the top off the whiskey he held in his hand and poured a shaky drink for himself. "Want one Chez? Why don't ye join me?!" Brendan spoke defeated. Necking back the harsh brown liquid. He poured another one and made the bottle connect with the mahogany wood hard.
"Listen love, I don't think this is the solution"
"What's not?" Brendan swung his head back "What's not the solution? This?" Brendan picked up the bottle in his hand and turned sharply.
"Ye are bound to be upset lo.."
"I'm not upset. I'm not. I am however gonna drink until I cant feel anything" Brendan gestured the bottle to his sister with a strangled smile.
"Tell me what happened at least? We were gonna have a Halloween party. I don't...I don't understand. Ste was happy with ye" Brendan flinched slightly when her hand held against the glass and bottle taking them gently. "You're soaked, get out of these wet clothes, we can talk about it"
Brendan removed his jacket and dragged himself upstairs. Making the arduous journey up the stairs to his bedroom, he'd never felt like this before. It was new to him and he wasn't sure what to do. Auto pilot kicked in and ridding his wet attire and changing into fresh dry clothes was the easy part. Settling on the bed it wobbled under him. His head fell into his hands.
A good half hour later, he'd expected the clack of heels at the steps, removing his hands showed his sister stood there with a brew in either hand. "I hope they're Irish Chez"
"Nope" her reply came with a sly smirk "A cuppa tea is what ye need" In actual fact a cup of tea was the last thing he needed, what he wanted was a stiff drink, what he needed was making its way towards Dublin airport.
"Course" Brendan rolled his eyes "I feel better already" he added sarcastically.
Cheryl placed the cups on the side "Why did he leave?"
"Ye know" Brendan's voice was calculating, fingers closed sharp as they gestured to Cheryl "I told Simon never to mention him." Brendan's eyes stared like daggers.
"Don't care"
"I gave him the perfect excuse to leave didn't I? He saw me lose my temper." Brendan scoffed with a bitterness coursing through his veins.
"Ye lost your temper?"
"Foxy. He told him about Vinnie, and...ye know what? I ain't doing this." Brendan stood up "I have a rendezvous with a bottle of Whiskey. If ye would?" His hand showed the way out for Cheryl who huffed out a long defeated breath.
"Ye know where I am if ye change your mind. And Bren? Don't ye dare leave tomorrow without saying bye first" Brendan moved and held his sister in a hug. Kissing the side of her head.
"I won't Chez"
"Ste... Ste?"
He could hear his name being called in the distance and a persistent hand shaking his body. Ste tried to jolt it away; too comfy with his slumber. Ste's eyes blurred as they tried to open, deep in sleep and mind fuzzy trying to focus. "Bren?"
"No love, It's me" Anne's smile was soft when Ste turned his head from the window, eyes blinking open. The ache inside his chest instant and churned his insides. Ste sat up and rubbed his vision clearer. The daunting notion that this was the first time in nights he'd woken up without him, Ste's first thoughts had been for Brendan.
"When did I fall asleep?" Ste flopped his head heavy to one side and looked out of the window. He noted the view had changed dramatically.
"Pretty much as soon as we were in the sky." Anne explained, her voice lowly. "I think you were exhausted from the...upset"
"I just feel so...empty" Ste sighed still looking out of the window wishing the view was different. He missed him, he missed him so much.
"Listen, let's just get off this plane and find Tony's car." Anne broke his thoughts and held a comforting hand over Ste's knee "Do we even know where the bloody thing is?"
"I have no clue" Ste smiled a little then, they made their way off the plane. It took them a little while, but after searching for a needle in a haystack they found Tony's car. Anne offered to drive them home again. It was the morning now so the air bit back with the cold. The car soon defrosting nicely with the heating. Anne kept flicking her gaze from the open road to her friend's silence. Ste crestfallen had his head laid against the window staring into space, breath misty on the glass. He breathed harsher, hot deep breath creating a steam there. His finger drew a sad face before rubbing it out with a flat palm, breathing against the window again he drew a smiley face, with a moustashe. Ste held his head against the glass before rubbing it clear again.
Anne was talking but his mind was full of other things. Her voice sporadically zoning out, he kept thinking how Brendan was. Would he be angry with him and worse not understand why he had to leave. Ste reasoned time apart would always work well in their favour, and perhaps deep down held on to the hope they would somehow find each other again. Ste cradled his arms around himself and craved the way Brendan had always held him so tight. Like he was afraid to let go.
"Least we found the car ey?" Anne chucked as she interrupted his thoughts again. Ste pushed out the tip of his tongue to stroke his lips wet.
"Hmm? Oh yeah...good job" He was absent, miles away from anywhere.
"What you thinking about?"
"Ha ha, no comment"
"I miss Simon too you know?" Anne worked out the obvious replying as the car came to a stop."I get it, I know we weren't anything like you two, but I did enjoy his company"
"Will ya go and see him still?" Ste removed his head from the cool glass to lay against the head rest, he turned to his friend.
"Yeah" Anne nodded "We spoke about it, so if he asks me I will." The car set off again "Will you visit Brendan?"
"No, I don't think so. I think he'll hate me. Wouldn't you?" Ste shrugged.
"I'm sure he wouldn't, I saw the way he looked at ya. I actually think he..."
"Can we not talk about this any longer." Ste turned his body to face the other way.
Anne placed a cup of steaming coffee on the table for Ste when he found his way out of his room a few days later. Hair ruffled, eyes heavy and complexion showing another night of no sleep. His head held hard against his arms horizontal on the counter.
"Oh love, rough night again?" Ste glanced up at Anne. He'd barely slept, got so used to having company, days later he still struggled with it. Ste edged his head up to rest on his chin.
"I'm sick of my heart breaking Anne." Ste spoke with a drained complexion. "When will the pain go away?"
Anne swallowed deeply and rested her arm around Ste's shoulders laying her head on his. "I'm not sure it will babe. You need to resolve things because of how you feel"
Ste held a parcel up in his hands and gestured it to Anne "I got this for him, well actually it's mine. Will you post it for me Anne? It's got to be addressed to Cheryl's place because I don't know where Brendan lives in London"
Anne's mouth parted taking the parcel from Ste's hands eyes mapping over the wrapping. "A Christmas present? What is it love?"
"It'll help him, sort of. I know he suffers with his past and the thought of him alone when he does..." Ste wiped against his moist lashes, head arching back to look at his friend again. "Just post it will you?"
Anne held Ste close with her arm "Course I will. Maybe you could contact Brendan somehow huh?"
"Uh uh, nope. Not having this conversation." Ste took a fast mouthful of his coffee and slipped out from his friends hold. "I'm gonna go take Tony's car back, and grovel for me job." Upon arriving home Ste had holed up in his room the first days back not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. And as Tony didn't know they were back, Ste figured a couple more days wouldn't hurt.
Anne accepted in reluctance her friends continued avoidance from his feelings and moved over to her handbag."You've just reminded me...now don't freak out but - we gotta move out" Her hand held a letter within it, face bleak.
Ste's mouth fell open slightly, feeling suddenly anxious "What?"
Anne showed the letter she'd found within their post. Ste tried to read it with difficulty, awkwardly passing it her back. "Sorry, I'm not the best of...I can't really..."
"God, sorry love. I'm an idiot sometimes" Anne took the letter and gestured to the contents. "It basically says we need to find other accommodation, I mean we kinda knew this would happen."
"How are we gonna find somewhere to live though?" Ste groaned loudly, this was the last thing they needed.
"We can flat share now Ste. Don't worry yeah?" she replied rooting through her phone contacts "I am going to see if I can get some modelling work, it pays well so we will be okay."
This news couldn't have come at a worst time. Ste was already feeling vulnerable, now their security was about to be ripped out from under them. He was missing Brendan now more than ever, knowing he would have the right words to ease him, comfort and make him feel safe. It was only then he realised he didn't even have a picture of Brendan. Ste closed his eyes and remembered his every curve, the way his smile brightened his eyes seemingly bluer.
"What's on your mind?" Anne was beaming wide when Ste opened his eyes again. "Let me take a wild guess"
"Oh you know, just a memory I have" Ste grabbed car keys off the counter. "Have a good day, and pop in for lunch at the restaurant later" He turned back as he left. "Assuming I will be working there"
Ste tossed the keys up into the air and caught them in his outstretched hand as he made his way to the restaurant. He'd left Tony's car parked up at The Dog and then walked through the village. As his hand opened the main door with a swing, his mouth widened in smile seeing Tony in the kitchen.
"Alright Tone!" Ste grinned his teeth off when Tony noticed him and moved at speed around and out of the doors.
"You're back, Ste!" Tony pulled him into a hug before holding him back at arms length. Inquisitive eyes fell upon him.
"Car?"
"Car park"
"Scratched?"
"No!" Ste rolled his eyes exasperated, deep chuckle rumbling from his throat. "I can be trusted with it ya know? I left it at the Dog, because I thought it's the safest place." Ste's hands rested on his hips.
"Yeah of course, like living in Hollyoaks could ever be considered safe" Tony raised his eyebrows.
"Where's ya fancy fella? I half expected you to bring him back. You sounded pretty smitten on the phone" Tony walked back into the kitchen and over to the stove to continue cooking. He watched Ste remain quiet eyes to the floor. Tony parted his mouth slowly.
Ste kept his head held down stepping with a hop to follow him. Ste sniffed curling against the counter, head on his closed fist. "I had the best days there." Ste shook his head fleeting "I think I convinced myself too much it couldn't possibly be anything more than a holiday romance."
"Okay, but I'm sensing you're holding out on me Ste. Have you developed feelings for him?" Tony inquired placing the lid on a pan he'd been stirring. "Come on Ste, I can see it. Sometimes the truth just stares you in the face, whether you chose to believe it or not is up to you."
Ste chewed nervously at his bottom lip "I try not to think about it. Hurts too much.I wanted to stay with him, but had to come home eventually didn't I?"
"A few more days? Oh ya should have then, would have kept your job open here." Tony busied himself in the kitchen.
"I didn't mean for an extra few days Tony" Ste moved to stand up against the counter and didn't speak again. Tony ebbed his head lower to capture Ste's eyes.
"Wow, you really like him huh? He must have been special after only a few..."
"Don't say it. Christ the amount of time I've heard that thrown at me. I just know okay? You just feel it inside."
"You told him the truth though?"
Ste sighed "Yes, well kind of." Ste watched Tony become more confused. The younger man shook his head "Doesn't matter."
"It's good you had a great time, but regrets ain't good for the soul" Tony held a knife point outstretched to Ste before chopping more thyme up. "Of course ya could always do somet about it. Ireland isn't that far away"
"Maybe. He lives in London anyway so." Ste shrugged weaving his arms around his chest. "So, can I have my job back?" Ste pointed to his old uniform "Really need the money. Me and Anne, been told to move out haven't we. Best homecoming ever" Ste turned to look out at the customers sat eating their meals, all of them couples Ste noted with a hint of jealously.
Tony stopped chopping long enough to toss Ste his uniform "Ya know you're always welcome here Ste. I know of a flat that's empty. Oak Dale Drive?"
Ste glanced back quickly "Near yours? Hm, okay. They're nice flats them. I'd have to see what Anne says about a deposit"
Tony gripped a firm arm around Ste. The sudden weight of it surprising him to look back at his friend. "No need, I own it. Me and Diane needed another investment, extra mouths to feed you know"
"You're amazing you" Ste's shoulder knocks Tony softly, his mouth smiling with relief.
"I will take the rent out of your wages" Tony walked away leaving Ste with the sting of a hand to his back and a pout a mile wide.
November
London
Warren had a spring in his step skipping up the umpteenth steps to the police station doors. Building spanning high up into the city's skyline. The receptionist looked up and down his body with an upturned smile.
"How can I help sir?"
"Looking for Detective Walker, although his badge is fake and he is actually just pretending to be an officer" Warren grinned leaning on both his arms. "You married?"
"None of your business. Upstairs, third floor" The officer gestured her pen up and back towards the elevators and stairs, bored look on her face.
"Ta" Warren winked pushing off the desk and using the lift to the third floor. Simon had his own office situated in a huge room of office space. Officers and plain clothed detectives wandered about dealing with various cases. Warren tried not to look too inconspicuous edging past their fixed looks and knocked against the window walled office getting Simon's attention as he spoke on the phone. His hand lifted and curled letting Warren know to enter.
Dressed in a black shirt and smart trousers Simon waved at Warren before ending his phone call with a smile. He sat back in his office chair congregated his arms and looked smug. "What do I owe this pleasure then?"
Warren hitched his leg up on the desk corner. "Brady, have ya seen him?" he asked getting straight to the point and grabbing a pencil off Simon's desk he shoved it into the automatic sharpener.
"No, not since we got back. I've just been snowed under with work, and a big case we're dealing with" Simon slapped Warren's hand away from the loud buzzing sharpener. "I've not seen you either though"
"No, but we have spoken on the phone" Warren pointed out moving to sit hard into the chair opposite "He's avoiding us, or I should say me"
Simon breathed a long sigh and dialed on his phone "You haven't heard anything? Not even a call?" The speakerphone blasted out a dial tone and then it ringing through to connect to Brendan's voicemail. 'Leave a message, 'I'll get back to ye. Wait for the beep'
Warren raised both his eyebrows when Simon looked up at him "Its Simon. Give us a call Brendan, yeah?"
Simon ended the call "Have you tried calling?"
"I've tried that, and going to the apartment. He doesn't want to know I guess"
"It's been a good month since we got back, and you know, it hit Brendan hard with Ste." Simon stood up and placed on his jacket. Warren stood to move with him. "It's good to see ya ugly mug."
"Least I don't go around claiming to be a detective. Inspector Gadget more like" Warren moved into the quick hug Simon initiated.
Simon beamed laughing "Come on, I've got a lunch owing. We can try his place now if you want?"
Brendan sat in his apartment and stared out at the river Thames. From where he sat he could see the tower bridge and the vehicles cruising over it like a collection of ants. The drink he held in his hand slopped against the sides as he circled the liquid around the glass. Paperwork fanned out on the table beside him, he'd not really seen much of the outside of his place, working for yourself having its own perks, he could take as much time to slouch at home as he liked.
His buzzer set off an annoying noise to his calm space. His eyes gazed back to the intercom on the wall but didn't make an attempt to move and answer it. He knew who it would be and he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, even his closest friends. They didn't give up easily though, and continued to buzz up a long while before it fell silent forever. Brendan took another sip from his drink and reached over to some paperwork.
The picture showed a large building, and deeds to buy. Brendan took a long intake of breath and allowed his mind to travel back to a time he was happier. Back to a conversation he once had with someone who had meant more to him than he had known at the time. Brendan's heart swelled and produced a dull ache whenever he missed him. He missed him everyday.
Warren walked away from the building with Simon, hands held firmly into his short black jacket, scarf wrapped tightly around his neck. "It's my bloody fault. I want to apologise and the stubborn sod wont even let me into his home to try!"
"I'll call Cheryl" Simon sighed "The only person who can get through to him. Plus she has a key"
"No, I will call her. We've kept in touch since Dublin. I will tell her Brendan needs her"
They turned and made the journey along the river." I called Anne today" Simon disclosed "I've been just as bad, I've not been in touch with people. Life has been nuts though"
"How is she? Mention Ste?" Warren asked curious
"Yep. He's the same as Brendan, apparently stubborn, wont do owt about it. Anne is modelling, says she's busy with it too" Simon took in a long breath. "We all of us need to do something about all this"
Warren stopped walking long enough to view the scenery around them. The many boats cruising along the shimmering cold water, The London Eye turning at a snails pace, Houses of Parliament. "I will keep trying Brendan. I was thinking I have contacts, I will see if I can find out what he's up to with his business. Someone will know something" Warren decided before walking over to a hotdog stall. "You want one?"
Simon shook his head face contorting in disgust "Ya know what's in them things, right?"
"They taste mint mate" Warren ordered one and took a large bite out of it, mustard and ketchup oozing out of the corner of his mouth "Mmmm"
"That's gross. I should arrest ya for public indecency"
"You couldn't arrest a fly Simon" Warren finished the rest of his lunch washing it down with a drink.
Chester
It was late November, darker mornings and evenings settled in to a daily routine now. Colder weather worming its way into the atmosphere hadn't yet brought snow but made a silent promise it would arrive soon. His position as a sous chef at Tony's restaurant kept Ste living his life and allowed his mind to remain occupied with something other than Dublin. Anne had the fortune of getting herself established within the fashion industry and modeled frequently away from home. She was always back at the weekends, but in between the nights alone had Ste thinking more about Brendan than ever.
This one particular day had brought another twist into it's tale when Ste arrived at work and Tony wasn't alone. The waiting on staff at full pelt he couldn't help but wonder who the new face was. It didn't take Tony long to explain, about the same amount of time it took Ste to stroll over from the door to them sat at the bar chatting away like old friends. Tony had hired more help at the restaurant, another sous chef. Ste was adamant they didn't really need him, and he'd have offered to help out with more hours, he certainly needed the money.
The handsome young man looked with warm, distracted eyes and smiled at Ste as he spoke to Tony. Ste huffed lightly to himself while Tony introduced them with a warning they'd have to work together with shifts, breaks and lunches alike. Walking over to remove wine bottles from a box Ste could see without looking up the new boy edge over, he lent across the counter with his arm stretched over. Ste accepted the man's hand but nothing else despite seeing him about to engage in a conversation. Ste was off to clean the tables instead and gave them a good buffing, good enough it was surprising the varnish didn't peel. He'd stood by his side again though, clearly persistent. Ste held his body straight then.
"Names Scott" the man appeared a little too close forcing Ste to push back a little. "Why so jumpy, I won't bite"
Ste's eyes flicked up at Scott with a shallow breath, memories surfacing to the forefront of his mind. "Unless I ask ya to..."Ste remembered edging a slight smile fondly to himself.
"Oh, that must be a good thought" interrupted Ste swallowed and returned to wiping the table.
"You're in my breathing space" Ste snapped but regretted it. His hands held against the table leaving fresh finger marks into the new polish. His body sat hard in one of the chairs.
Ste gestured for Scott to join him "I'm Ste. Sorry for snapping, I just have a lot on my mind I guess"
"I know the best cure for that" The newest staff member explained dragging out a chair to join Ste. "A drink"
Ste scoffed but saw he man was all too serious. "Nah, you're alright."
"You don't drink? Come for a coffee then" Scott danced his eyebrows and rested against the table."As mates naturally. Look, I'm new here. Would appreciate someone showing me around." The man coaxed "Come onnn"
"Course" Ste replied sarcastically. "Okay then. One drink in the club over the way. I could do with a change of scenery"
Scott pushed back in his chair and nodded "Thank you. I was worried about starting this job. Tony said you were nice though"
Ste held his tongue inside his cheek a moment, head rounding back at the kitchen "Did he now?"
"Hmm yep. I will see you at the end of the shift then?" The man eagerly waited for a reply watching Ste still looking back at the kitchen he'd licked his lips with concentration.
Hmm, what?Oh yeah, yes" Ste's eyes blinked a few times. "I'm only staying for one drink though, long enough to introduce ya to people"
Ste stood up and watched the young boy move to see Tony again, his hand gripped the cloth and wiped his fingerprints off the table.
The next morning Ste woke up with a soft pillow thrown at his head. It made a dull thump against the side of his face shocking him out of his sleep. Ste retrieved it and tossed it to the floor lazily, yawned a moment, stretched his arms up cracking his bones in delight, eyes closed.
Then he realised.
Ste instantly opened his eyes then and sat up like he'd been electrocuted. With wide eyes he stared at the man he'd shared a drink with, many drinks with. How many had he drank? Visions of dancing and a strong possibility of singing waved through his mind.
Fear sprinkled cold against his flesh pointing a finger at Scott. "What are you doing here?"
"Waking ya up." Scott checked his watch "Yep, we need to be at the restaurant shortly so..."
"We didn't...please tell me we didn't" Ste rubbed his face hard into his palms and trawled through the images he could remember about last night.
"You don't remember? Oh thanks for that" Ste got another pillow plant for good measure but this time the boy caught it and threw it back stiffly.
"Don't mess me around. There is no way I was that drunk."
"Listen mate, you drank plenty. Irish whiskey at one point too, dunno how you managed that though. Foul stuff" Scott held his hands inside his dark indigo jeans, hips held to one side looking at Ste.
"I don't recall that, I don't usually drink so much" Ste moved to get out of bed noting the lack of clothes. "Where are my clothes?"
Scott took a deep sigh and made his way to the bedroom door. "I slept on the sofa after I brought your sorry arse home. You drank yourself into a mess, I was the last person on your mind I can tell you that much." The door opened in his hand "Breakfast is being made by your flatmate. You can thank me when you're cosha again" Scott slammed the door to and relief washed over Ste's body.
Falling down hard on the pillow he placed another over his face and groaned loudly. He'd never drank like that before, but snippets of the evening became clearer as a feeling of betrayal coursed through him. Ste had drank out of guilt being with Scott, going out and trying to enjoy himself had turned into a way to drown out his pain of missing Brendan. The alcohol binge was now rearing its ugly head.
Ste's head ached with pain of a hundred drum beats a minute walking past Anne into the kitchen, Ste avoided her eyes like a pro. He'd calmly moved to one of the cupboards and placed some cereal into a bowl. Ste didn't miss the fact she was waiting eagerly for him to spill the beans, even though he had none to spill. Not one. Not really, unless you count the karaoke while stood on a table. Ste hid his face when it glowed hot.
"So...Scott left" Anne stating the obvious moved to be closer to her friend who tried to shy away from her.
"Good" Ste flicked his eyes at Anne fast before spooning cereal into his mouth and crunching it quickly. Anne leaned back against the table and kept her hands wrapped against the coffee she'd made.
"He seems cute"
"Nothing happened,now or ever" Ste's hand matched his every word in case she wasn't getting it.
"Aww,Why not?" she teased so devilishly, Ste had a hangover and just suffered quite possibly the worst wake up call ever. He needed sympathy not teasing.
"Not my type is he? Scott is all...and I like...just..."
"Just...?" Anne's eyes shone brightly with casual curiosity.
Ste stirred his cereal and formed it into a milk whirlpool, the liquid teetering dangerously close to the edge of the bowl "I know what you and Tony are doing, it wont work though"
"What are we doing exactly?" Anne sipped aimlessly at her coffee, continuing smirk against her lips.
"Trying to set me up? Forget it, I'm happy miserable"
"Do. Something. About. It." Ste watched her finger drum out the words onto the table, his head shook frustrated and sore. "It's been weeks since we left and I know you Ste, you still think about him every day"
Ste couldn't handle it anymore, the spoon crashed into the bowl splashing the milk over the side. "You don't think I know how long it's been?" Ste's eyes closed, teeth clenched "And yes I do think about him everyday, every fucking minute. I don't need to be reminded"
Anne slammed down her cup "You're a mean person when you're hungover Ste Hay"
"I'm going to work, I'll see you tonight" Ste grabbed hold of his coat and just left the flat, leaving Anne to close her eyes body jumping with the front door slam. Anne stood and exasperated a moment before her phone buzzed loudly at the table distracting. Anne still reeling from their heated chat grabbed it and answered flippantly. Her face relaxed and mouth opened slightly listening to the person on the other end of the line.
"Maxine!" Anne's lipstick covered lips stretched into a wide beam.
December
Brendan pulled up outside of his sisters house and kept his hands firmly on the steering wheel staring out of the windscreen. Expression blank he was quiet with his thoughts. He was looking but he couldn't really see much in front of him, he wasn't really there, mind miles away from anywhere. The view had changed somewhat since he'd last been here, the streets of Dublin now a winter wonderland blanketed in a crisp white snowfall. The winter had hit hard and was colder than ever. Early morning sky hosting pink, thick set candy floss clouds. Slight wispy snowflakes fluttered down from a cloudy light blue sky and settled on the inches of snow and icy roads.
Children laughed as they ran in it, leaving behind a trail of deep seated footprints with their wellies, scooping up handfuls of snow to lob at their friends. One slammed clean against the car Brendan was sat in and it shattered his thoughts into pieces quickly. The children rushed past with a giggle and Brendan pursed his lips.
His gaze moved to the passenger seat where there lay a bag full of presents, pulling out the key from the ignition he gripped a tight hold of the bag and moved out of the car. A bristling of hair along his arms from the snap of cold, Brendan stalled to reach for his leather jacket wrapping it around himself before slamming the door shut. His patient shoes slipped slightly on the snow with hardly any grip when he walked over to the gate; it gave a squeak opening and Brendan was thankful his sister had thrown salt over the pathway to the front door.
Cheryl answered the door before Brendan could even ring the bell, her face brightening at the sight of him she held out her arms in greeting and pulled Brendan into a close hug he sank his head into with a grateful sigh.
"So glad ye came Bren" Cheryl spoke muffled into Brendan's shoulder and when she backed up ran her fingers over the thick black fluffy collar of Brendan's leather long coat with a smile. "Even if it took some persuading"
"Can't believe ye still wear this thing, you've had it years"
"It's comfy, and it keeps me warm." Brendan finally spoke. Cheryl kissed against his cheek.
"Come in out of the cold will ye, catch your death out here" Cheryl side stepped to allow Brendan to walk into the warmth her house hosted. "Those for me?" Her voice rose with excitement seeing the bag full of wrapped Christmas presents. "Ye never wrapped those?"
"I can wrap presents, I ain't completely useless"
Brendan lightened a little removing his heavy coat to drape over the banister. He pointed into the lounge in question and entered into it when Cheryl nodded at him. The burst of decorations hit his eyesight, Christmas tree almost at ceiling height decorated with all manner of shiny things. The lights were on random so every now and then they flickered, zoomed and flashed at you sending your eyes into meltdown.
"Jesus Chez, ye got enough Christmas cheer in here have ye?" Brendan widened his eyes at her and sat down on the sofa hard.
"Ye can never have too many Bren! Stop being a party pooper, I know ye don't like this time a year, but I am over the moon ye came to spend it with me"
"Ye know I always do Chez, but don't expect me to be over exited or any kind of jolly. I don't like this time of year, and with good reason"
"What's that then? Cause ye never tell me why, every year I hope ye will though. I always loved this time of season when we were wee. Daddy always made an effort" Cheryl glanced at Brendan who tensed up immediately at the mention of him. His eyes darkened when they met Cheryl's and she had swallowed deeply before passing over a drink of whiskey.
Brendan stalled his hand in mid air, hesitant before taking the drink. Brendan had relied far to much on the drink in the recent months and when Cheryl had visited him just before Christmas he vowed to curb that. Cheryl placed the glass on the coffee table before settling next to him on the sofa eyeing up the gifts her brother had bought.
"Can I have a peek?" Cheryl's fingers just about tore a corner of wrapping before her brother interrupted.
"Nope, they're for tomorrow. Get them under the tree with the rest." Brendan's finger pointed to another pile of gifts laying under the large white tree. His sister frowned then before edging them with the others.
"Some people open one Christmas eve Bren, me and Daddy used too."
"What?" Brendan turned to look at Cheryl, distant expression, Brendan might have been here in body but his mind was elsewhere. The house still seemed to carry Ste's scent, even though it was highly improbable. Being back in the house played tricks with his mind. His sister was still looking at him, now becoming irritated at his distance. "Sorry Chez, go on, what?"
"Ye were always in bed. I never understood why ye always did that, like ye couldn't wait to get away from me" Cheryl finished her thoughts settling back on the sofa, blanket covering her body for extra warmth.
"It wasn't ye Chez, I love ye. When have I ever not shown that?"
"I'm sorry Brendan. I just miss him, especially this time of year." Cheryl flicked a strand of her hair to tuck behind her ear. "Ye must miss him too huh?"
His head rounded and looked at the fire that roared in front of them, modern coal effect, with a silver surround. There was a mountain of tinsel hung there too, along with two Christmas stockings. Brendan let moments go past studying the flames licking against the glass side and illuminate a soft glow. Just above was the mantelpiece adorn with photos of them as children. If you looked closely Brendan smiled in those ones, but the ones with his father showed an innocent boy with terror filled eyes. Cheryl had never really looked at the photo's she'd placed there. Brendan sometimes wished she would.
"I try not to think of him Chez" he answered firmly.
"No love, ye do right, I mean to hard isn't it? I struggle." Cheryl softened her palm against Brendan's knee as he watched it move. The whiskey on the table became more of a temptation; he'd leaned over a grabbed it into a tense hand and rimmed it around the glass a little too quickly. It spilt over the side forcing him to get up quickly.
"Sorry, I'll go get cleaned up. Put my stuff in my room yeah?"
"Gonna be lonely up there for ye huh? I bet ye got used to him in your bed" Cheryl spoke and Brendan halted, fear shivered down his spine encasing his body with a coldness that resembled ice. His eyes pressed closed. "What did ye say?"
"I mean Ste." Cheryl swiveled around in her seating position arms settled over the back of the sofa. "Isn't it time ye mentioned him again Brendan?"
"I gotta go change Chez. See ye in a minute" Brendan dismissed his sister's words and moved to walk upstairs.
Christmas Day
Chester
"I ain't kissing ya Ste" Tony busied himself around the kitchen preparing a mountain of food to go out to the customers waiting for their Christmas dinners. "Save it for that fella of yours, I still don't know why ya never took my offer of the day off. It is Christmas after all!"
Ste who had moments earlier held aloft a piece of mistletoe and a stupid grin upon walking in the kitchen suddenly lost the ability to have fun and dropped the flower like a weight. His mouth warped into a pout.
"He ain't my fella okay? Jus went out for a couple of drinks is all, nowt has ever happened" His heart ached like a thorn had twisted there, Ste's body bruised with invisible punches to the gut. Turning back time would be a good thing right now.
"Hmm, and we all know why that is eh? He who shall never be mentioned? Ste you really need to get over that. It was months ago." Tony's words seemed far to harsh to Ste who had resigned himself to never seeing Brendan again. It had been the plan at first to try and forget, but his thoughts consumed his every waking moment. There were always triggers, little things that had his thoughts casting back to him. Ste worked every hour he could, threw himself into work anything to keep his mind busy.
"That's not fair."
"We can see the truth Ste" Anne appeared and clacked her way into the kitchen and over to a case of wine lifting out a brand new bottle from it.
"Hey! That's our best wine!" Tony's eyes bulged from within their sockets at Anne who wagged her finger at him.
"Keep ya knickers on Chef! I'm gonna pay for it. Jeez, how do ya work with him?" Anne rolled her eyes at Ste before walking out flicking her hips as she did. Tony shook his head and chopped aggressively at some vegetables. Ste moved out of the swing doors to hold at Anne's arm.
"Why won't ya let it go? It's been months, has he even contacted me? No. He'll be with that other bloke, all happy opening their presents together" Ste flicked his hand imperiously into the air, face like a smacked arse.
"Wait a minute" Anne paused finger settled at her lips she pointed at her friend "You left, remember? He probably thinks you don't want him to contact you. And knowing Brendan he'll be spending the whole time in bed with him" Anne countered and watched for Ste's reaction with interest. His face dropped instantly and Anne watched the glow leave his eyes again, like it had many times during the last couple of months.
Anne sighed with a heavy heart and placed her wine with a dull thud on the counter and pulled Ste into a hug "I'm sorry love, I shouldn't have said that. It's not true, he isn't okay?"
Ste pushed her back "He might be though. I've tried not to think about him, but I miss everything, I miss...the way we talked" Ste breathed long shaking his head, felt relief course through his body.
Anne chuckled slightly "I knew you did, why couldn't you just say something? I wasn't going to ignore ya, I'd have listened. I know you loved him Ste"
"It probably wasn't love actually. I've never been in love before so how do I even know?"
Her hand weaved through Ste's soft hair "He's always in your thoughts, your heart?" Anne shrugged "Like he's under your skin"
Ste hitched his leg to sit on a stool at the bar." We had these chats, about anything. Ones that change your thinking, he told me things...I can't begin to repeat but it was me he shared them with. You have no idea how much I miss his voice, because it became comforting. An' I got used to us being together, sharing a bed. It was like..." Ste's eyes joined back with Anne's when he'd stopped portraying his thoughts.
"You were meant to be together?" Anne mirrored Ste's smile.
"Yeah" Ste nodded "I've spent all this time apart from Brendan and yet, nothing has changed. I still feel the same way Anne."
Anne nodded sharply and held her hand against Ste's, she looked back at her sister waiting at the table nearby "Why don't you come out with us all tonight? It might help take your mind off things. Scott and Tony will be there too, Christmas day love, you shouldn't be alone. "
"I will come tonight, I definitely don't want to be on my own" Ste thought a moment "Just don't let me sing owt"
"Ha ha, I heard about that Ste" Anne winked "I'm proud of you,you know that?" Anne's smile warmed Ste to reciprocate it back, holding aloft his mistletoe he kissed her on her cheek.
"Merry Christmas Anne, I love ya"
"Love ya too. Merry Christmas" Anne grabbed back the bottle of wine and moved to settle at the table she shared with her sister.
Christmas Day
Dublin
Cheryl and Brendan stood back and looked on at the snowman they'd just made together. It wasn't Brendan's idea to do this, but Cheryl had always been persuasive. They'd opened presents together, eaten a turkey meal that had nipped hard at his sides. Stuffed and at the point he felt he couldn't eat again in his life he settled on the sofa with Cheryl to watch typical Christmas movies. When Cheryl had seen snowflakes appear through the window her excitement couldn't be contained. Many layers of clothes later and Brendan was stood in a foot of snow in the back garden.
"Needs more snow on it's body" Cheryl pondered grabbing more snow off the ground and pushing it against the body.
"Did ye have to give it a moustache Chez?" Brendan cringed looking at the moustashe shaped in coal.
"Aw it has a likeness to ye now though" Cheryl chuckled when the carrot nose fell out. "Ye never bothered when we were kids"
Brendan sighed pushing the carrot back in the hole with a hard shove. "We were kids Chez, I'm pushing thirty...five"
"Hmm, ye are getting on Brendan. Soon you'll be too old to settle down huh?" Cheryl's eyes flicked up at Brendan's sheepishly.
"Settle down? What ye on about now" Brendan tied the scarf around the snowman's neck with a short sharp tug stopping short of throttling the poor things head off.
"Ye haven't spoken about him in two months, and yet ye spent a week in his arms Bren. Why won't ye mention Ste?"
"Chez, I am going in, it's freezing out here" Brendan turned to leave.
"So it was true. Ye were using the poor lad weren't ye? That's my friend ye were screwing around" Cheryl spat, finger pointing accusingly. Brendan had stopped and listened with his head bowed to the floor. Eyes closed he tried to fight the thoughts that regularly appeared in his mind.
"He tell ye that did he?"
"No, but I think at first he thought that then..."
Brendan angled his head back a little "Then?"
"Ye know how Ste felt about ye, and I know ye miss him more than ye let on"
"He feels nothing Chez. I've not had one phone call since he left me on the bridge." Brendan turned fully to look back at his sister. "He fucking walked away. He made his decision"
Cheryl trudged through the thick snow towards Brendan "That was always going to happen. Ste never did anything wrong, he went home, that's all."
"He found out about Vinnie, Foxy blurted it out." Brendan sighed "He figured I'd choose Vinnie I guess"
"And given that choice, would ye?" Cheryl's eyes softened
"Ah Chez I ain't talking about this any more"
"Would ye chose Vinnie over Ste?" Cheryl repeated sterner than before, pushing for an answer.
"No, okay? Is that what ye wanted?! Good" Brendan slammed the back door closed shut with a loud bang. Cheryl moved with difficulty to catch up with her brother who was now in the kitchen making a hot drink for himself.
"Do ye still love him?"
"Still?" Brendan barely registered his voice."You're still going on about this?"
"I saw it in your eyes that night in Moher. I think you'd already fallen, maybe without knowledge, but I could see it." Cheryl closed the gap between them. "Be honest with me, I won't tell him"
"Have ye seen him?" Brendan stirred his coffee slowly.
"No, he's been avoiding my calls since he left"
Brendan gestured to the breakfast table and when Cheryl sat down he passed over a hot brew. Cheryl thanked him and warmed her cold hands against it. Brendan held open the cookie jar offering his sister one and when she declined Brendan took one and ate it.
"At first I just let it go, tried not to think about him. And with the workload I had waiting in London it was a welcome distraction. I haven't seen Foxy or Simon. I've just thrown myself into work" Brendan paused "And drank a lot"
Cheryl let out a brittle laugh "They've been worried sick about ye. Warren called me, said ye were ignoring them. Why love? They are your friends"
"Hmm. I will get in touch when I go home. I have already planned too speak to Foxy again. I have a project I think he will enjoy." Brendan's eyes flicked up cautiously "Ye still speaking with him Chez?"
"A little yeah, we have fun Brendan. I haven't been pining like, but I will be seeing him the next time I'm in London" Cheryl watched her brothers expression with a chuckle.
"I've bought a club Chez, in London" Brendan eyed up the biscuit barrel again.
"Have ye?" Cheryl inquired taking a mouthful of her brew.
"Yeah, it's...well an idea I had. It's not ready to open yet, I just need to think of a theme, I dunno." Brendan shook his head and felt Cheryl's hand against his.
"Your own club? I thought...well I thought ye only invested"
"Someone once convinced me I'd be good at it" Brendan explained eyebrows raised. "After a while of being in London I decided to bite the bullet and go for it."
"I'd love to come to the opening night. When is is it?"
"New years eve. I thought I'd start the year with a bang" Cheryl smiled before getting up and leaving the room for a moment or two. When she arrived back she passed over another present.
"Bren, I lied earlier, I am sorry" Cheryl sat and adjusted herself on the wooden stool, head resting in her cupped hands she watched Brendan finger over the wrapping.
"What ye mean?" Brendan picked up the present flipped it over an glanced up at her "I thought we'd opened them all?"
"I was undecided whether to give this to ye. This is from Ste, he erm, he sent it not long after he left." Cheryl held in a deep breath "There was no note or anything. I kept it because ye seemed so adamant to forget him"
"And now?" Brendan held his breath, her hand warmed against his reassuringly.
Brendan was nervous opening up the wrapping on the present he wanted the most, even before he'd seen it's contents. He envisioned Ste wrapping it, but more than that, taking the time to find it for him. Brendan smiled fleetingly and ran the pads of his fingers over the dream catcher he'd found inside the wrapping. "I once told him about my nightmares Chez. Guess he remembered" Brendan finally allowed the breath he'd held inside to release.
"Ye can say Ste's name ye know love? It won't kill ye"
"Is he okay? Is he happy?" Brendan kept his eyes low thumbing the soft spiderweb effect the item had, along its black feathers.
"I don't know babe. I was honest about not speaking with Ste." Cheryl's voice wavered "I miss him too. I wish he would answer my calls" her teeth gripped gently at her bottom lip, eyes watching Brendan intently.
Brendan moved taking the wrapping and present into his hand he kissed Cheryl on the forehead. "Christmas day is over Chez."
"Bren" Cheryl spoke stopping Brendan in the doorway. "What nightmares do ye have?"
"Night Chez" Brendan closed his eyes "I love ye"
Brendan gripped the dream catcher in his palm and stood at the sky light in his bedroom. The moon full and stars clear, they glowed an aura with the frost bitten city. Brendan's breath steamed a hot glaze against the window each time he breathed. Brendan held up the present from Ste and wondered where he was right now, whether he was alone or with someone else. His eyes flicked up at the stars.
Chester
"Hey? What you looking at?"
Scott settled next to Ste on the balcony of the nightclub in the village. The club was hosting a Christmas party and the residents had all turned out for it. Tony had even attended and Ste had watched with bright eyes him getting tipsy and dancing the night away.
Anne was here too, her usual beauty attracting attention from other party goers. Ste had smiled and left her with Tony and her sister for a while to go and get some air. The sky was dark and with the coloured lasers from the club it sporadically shattered the vision of the stars above him. Ste still traveled his eyes there, looked at them twinkling, and the moon was full inciting a gentle laugh from the younger boy. The man next to him swigged from the beer bottle he held and looked with Ste at the sky.
Scott rubbed at his arms erratically "Woah, it's c...cold out here"
Ste blinked slowly "I can't feel anything"
"Lasers are cool tonight huh?" Scott pointed up to the sky trying to get Ste to notice he was even there.
Ste turned to him "I'm not looking at them, I'm looking at the stars." Ste's eyes flicked back up, lashes pointed to the clouds "It's not as clear as Dublin though"
"Dublin? Isn't that in Ireland?" The man spoke again, Ste breathed out.
"Yeah, the sky there is so clear, there's places you can go and see every single one" Ste's breathing shallowed with the memories playing out through his mind and the company he missed more than anything. In that moment he pictured Brendan and wondered whether he too was looking up at the stars and remembering him and the times they shared. The way they touched and time stopped for them.
"You've never mentioned going before Ste."
The sky became cloudier and a light sprinkling of snow began to descend upon the two men stood on the balcony. The soft crystals stuck fast to Ste's long flickering eyelashes and glistened when he blinked with them. Scott watched him for a moment and realised the beauty Ste beheld. He hitched a breath watching him and too quickly Ste knew what was going through his mind. He had to be true to himself, his heart and the feelings he now knew would never stop while he still breathed.
"Look, I gotta be honest with you. Whatever you think this is." Ste gestured between them "It's never going to happen because my heart belongs to someone else. I'm sorry" Ste sighed and gripped against the banister looking down into the courtyard below.
"Who is he then?" Ste turned in shock the man he was with hadn't left. Scott passed him a beer and a warm smile. "Come on, we all need friends right?"
Ste huffed a laugh "Thanks. I haven't seen him in a while. Last I saw him I was leaving in a taxi"
"But you still have feelings there? Why did ya leave him then?" Scott replied placing the beer bottle against his mouth, eyes watching Ste.
"I ask myself that question a lot." His lips encased the opening of the beer bottle downing the drink in one go.
"Woah, steady on"
"Merry Christmas Scott, I gotta go." Ste wobbled moving away from the banister hand releasing the bottle it dropped and smashed against the metal stairs leading up to the club. He felt arms grab a hold of him.
"How much have you had to drink Ste?"
"Not enough" Ste's voice strangled eyes unfocused.
Scott pulled open the door into the club and helped Ste over to Anne and Tony who were dancing. "Hey, think this one needs to go home"
"I'll go" Tony placed his beer on the bar and held Ste up on his arm. "Anne, you and Maxine gonna come too?"
"Hmm. Thanks love" Anne hugged Scott. "I appreciate you bringing him to us"
"That's okay, he told me about his fella anyway"
Anne stopped and turned sharply on her heels "What fella?"
"Some guy in Dublin?"
"He mentioned Brendan?" Anne's eyes widened with her mouth.
"Brendan huh? No he didn't reveal that. Just that his heart is there" Scott shrugged and walked across to the bar.
Anne clicked her shoes down the clubs steps quickly to leave and moved up the steps to their home. Maxine gave her a tight squeeze before moving into the flat and past Ste who was huddled up on the sofa in a blanket eyes blinking slowly in silence. Maxine crept up the stairs to bed and Anne kissed Tony goodbye closing the flat door and locking it. Anne let out a frustrated sigh and joined her friend on the sofa gripping the blanket over her she huddled under it too.
Anne looked over at Ste a few times while she chewed her bottom lip. "Ste?"
"No"
"What's up with ya?"
"Nothing"
"So if I mentioned a certain Irishman?" Anne's eyes shifted to her side.
"No, stop it."
"You can't keep doing this, it's been too long and you're obviously never going to get over Brendan" Ste turned to look at Anne, his eyes glassed over. He'd moved to hold against her tightly. Tears fell down his cheek and stained at her dress as she held her arm around him.
"That night we left? I did something" Ste spoke softly, tiredness taking over his body. "An I never told Bren, and now I wish I had."
"Babe? What did you do?" Anne leaned their heads together gently stroking his hair.
"I wanted to tell him, but I knew it would have been full on and might have scared him off. So I did it another way."
"Ste love" Anne chuckled "You're so drunk ya not making any sense again"
"I love Brendan." Ste's eyelids fell heavy intoxicated, silently falling into sleep.
Dublin
Brendan was up at the crack of dawn Boxing day. Early and walking against the cool morning breeze. There was no way he could run with the ice and snow, but he still liked to be up at this time, and Dublin looked beautiful like this. The morning sky a deep blue thanks to the winter months keeping the world in a longer darkness. The Ha'Penny bridge lights were still on when Brendan set foot on it and stood by its sides. Hands gripped to the metal he steadied himself there and looked out onto the river. A car passed by on the road and brightly lit up the bridge and the locks that held against the bars. Brendan sniffed stiffly and looked at some of them, the names people had scrolled there. Brendan had scoffed reading them.
As he walked to the edge of the bridge to leave there was a last lock he held against and knocked it so it span around quickly. He hadn't looked at the names on it though and because he had the others, just out of curiosity he back tracked to see. The names stood out in a thick black marker pen, Brendan thumbed over them. His eyes blinked a few times trying to focus, he must have been so tired this morning. Figured with the early morning start, no breakfast in his belly, but no. It wasn't a dream. It didn't stop Brendan from continuously reading the names over and over in his mind.
"Steven" Brendan whispered his name upon the breeze that surrounded him, the freezing temperatures capturing it and creating a steam from his breath. It was the first time he had allowed his name to be vocal, him being only within his thoughts.
Brendan and Steven, the names were scrolled in perfect unrushed sweep of pen. The older man felt his resolve weaken along with his knees. He couldn't believe it, had to be some sort of irony. It wasn't though, Ste had obviously made the lock before he'd arrived there to find him. Brendan guessed it was why Ste left to go to the bridge that night and another reason why he'd wanted to go alone. The whole time Ste loved him and he'd never known it till now.
Brendan allowed himself to break down the barriers he'd built and miss Ste again and with it a huge emotion swept over his heart. Months Brendan had spent trying to deny his existence to protect himself from feeling anything. Instead even being apart he'd fallen for the boy who had changed everything. Brendan laughed as he smiled, so many emotions rushed adrenaline through his body. His heart ached, wanted nothing more than to run and find him again. He couldn't do that though, he had to be patient, think of a way to make it happen.
Brendan edged against the side of the bridge and looked over the thin ice that had crusted against the river Liffey. It shined sparkles in the bright sunlight, almost blinding with it's glare. Brendan knew what to do, and pulled his phone out and dialed a number thumbing over the lock.
The dial tone clicked "Foxy?" Brendan smiled eyes flicking to the lock he held "Remember that favour ye owe me? I'm calling it in"