Kisame was walking down the hall of the base, heading for Konan and Pein's room. Konan had become depressed after Pein once again refused to let her have a child, so the shark had taken pity on her and given her extra playtime with his daughter. Not that Tenshi was complaining or anything. Konan was much better at playing with dolls and whatnot than he or Itachi ever could be-
The shark suddenly felt his legs get ripped out from under him, sending him face first to the ground. Moments later he was being dragged backwards into a room, the door shutting once he was all the way in.
He turned over to lay on his stomach and looked up into the faces of Sasori and Kakuzu. "What the hell?!"
"Sorry, but we needed to make sure you cooperated with us," Sasori said.
"You couldn't have just stopped me in the hall and invited me in?!"
"We could have. However, this method guaranteed your speedy assistance," Kakuzu explained.
"What do you two want?" Kisame grumbled as he rose to his feet and dusted himself off.
"Have a seat," Sasori said with a motion towards his bed.
Once the blue man was seated, Kakuzu began. "Sasori and I were thinking…you see, we realized that you have experience in this department, so you could help…we wondered if you could enlighten us about-"
"We need to know what to expect from our partners, now that they're pregnant," Sasori concluded. "You've dealt with this before, so it seemed like a good idea to ask for your help."
"Where were you when Itachi was carrying Tenshi?! You saw how he acted-"
"Yes, before Pein banished him to his room, and after that only whenever he bothered to come out," Sasori interrupted.
"You were with him all the time, so you know exactly what's going to happen with Deidara and Hidan," Kakuzu went on. "We just need some tips."
Kisame sighed and rubbed his head, trying to figure out what to say. "For starters, try not to pay any attention to what they say when the moods swings kick in. And get used to getting hit."
"Is it really going to be that bad?" Sasori asked.
"Hell yeah. If their mood swings are half as bad as Itachi's were, you'll get something like them crying, blaming you, smacking you across the face, then more crying because they feel guilty, and then they want to cuddle. Until the cravings kick in. That's another thing; don't question their food desires, no matter how odd or what time they ask for it. You will get hurt."
"What else?" Kakuzu asked, paling slightly beneath his mask.
"Be nice when they're puking their guts up. And Sasori, get a hair tie or something for Deidara. He'll-I mean, she'll need it."
"What's the point of giving them all that food if they're just going to throw it up again…" Kakuzu shook his head, muttering about how expensive groceries were.
"If you say anything like that around Hidan, you're dead," Kisame warned. "He'll probably banish you to the couch with a severe beating, at the very least."
"I'll just rip out his insides," Kakuzu said flatly.
"Won't that hurt the baby?" Sasori inquired.
"That's the biggest thing," Kisame said. "Don't ever do anything that'll hurt their baby."
"Don't you mean 'our'?" Sasori asked. "Kakuzu and I helped make those kids, you know."
"Doesn't matter," Kisame said in a warning tone. "You guys may have knocked them up, but until the cord is cut, those children are theirs and theirs alone.
I remember one night about three months before Tenshi was born. I ran into the room and knocked over Itachi. He hit the floor hard. Once I got him up he started freaking out, and told me if I didn't get the hell out of our room then and there he was going to make me pay."
"Is that why you were sleeping on the couch for two weeks?" Kakuzu asked.
"Yes. And I'm pretty sure Deidara and Hidan will be much more violent if you do anything like that to them."
"Yeah right," Sasori said. "I doubt they'll be that hard to handle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~two months later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BOOOOOOOOOM
"You're a bastard, un!"
"Deidara, please calm down-"
"Don't tell me to calm down!" the blonde screeched, hurling another bomb about the puppet master. It exploded just as Sasori jumped out of the way, adding another scorch mark to their charred walls. "I'm fine! I am perfectly fine, un!"
"All right, I believe you!"
The blonde began sniffling. "Liar. You hate me, don't you, un?" Tears welled up in his eyes. "Well I hate you too!" He turned and flopped down on their bed, burying his face in the fluffy pillows lying on his side of the mattress.
Sasori cautiously approached the sculptor, sitting down beside him and rubbing his back. "Dei, you know I love you. Please don't cry."
The blonde reached across the bed and grabbed one of Sasori's pillows. "Your pillows smell nice, un."
"They smell like me."
"Lie down with me," Deidara ordered, pulling Sasori down beside him. He snuggled into the redhead's chest, smiling contently.
They were given two minutes of peace before the blonde's stomach growled.
Sasori smirked at his uke. "You're hungry again?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Deidara whimpered. "You think I'm fat, don't you?!"
"Deidara-" Sasori began as the blonde leapt off the bed.
"Excuse me for being hungry, I'm only pregnant, un!" Deidara screamed, grabbing a sculpture off his desk and hurling it at Sasori. "Jerk!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOM
--
Once he'd reassembled all his body parts, the Akasuna journeyed to the kitchen. He immediately noticed two things; one, Deidara and Hidan were sitting together, eating sandwiches. Two; there was an odd smell hanging around the kitchen. "What did you two do?" Sasori asked, wrinkling his nose.
"We made sandwiches!" Deidara happily chirped, acting as if he'd forgotten all about trying to kill Sasori the entire morning.
"Out of what? Road kill?"
"Hell no," Hidan replied, taking a bite out of his lunch. "We made grilled cheese and banana slices, asshole."
"And then we added ketchup and mustard, un!" Deidara said, munching away happily.
Sasori looked as if he were about to be sick. Before he could comment about the two Akatsuki's eating habits, though, Kakuzu walked in. The miser was covered in bruises, as well as several cuts up and down his arms. "What happened to you, un?" Deidara asked.
"I have an abusive boyfriend," the banker replied.
"I am not!" Hidan declared, hurling his sandwich at the miser's head. He immediately began shaking. "Stupid bastard…" he bolted from the room, Deidara fast on his heels.
Once they were gone, both semes walked to the table and slumped down in their chairs, letting out twin sighs of frustration. "I can't go through seven more months of this," Sasori muttered, rubbing his temples with both hands.
"Hey, look on the bright side. When we go to hell, we can at least tell the devil he can't do anything worse than this to us."
"The sad thing is, you're right."