Sorry for the massive delay in getting this chapter up! The end of term is fast approaching, and I've got a new job, so I've been extremely busy. But as a reward for your patience, here's a longer chapter than usual. Hope everyone's still enjoying this :) xx
23 July 2007
Italy was fantastic! It was such an amazing holiday, one of the best I've had in a very long time. The weather was hot, very hot. It didn't bother George and Nico very much, because the weather on Cyprus is pretty much the same. But I'm not used to the heat like they are, so for me it was quite challenging at times. Rome was just as beautiful as I remembered it. We spent 4 whole days there, mainly sightseeing and visiting museums. Rome is one of those cities that I would never grow tired of. I just love the architecture, the people, and the atmosphere and energy of the city in general. It did make me think of my conversation with Harry on our one and only date. Our discussion of Romanticism versus Atlanticism. It feels as though it happened a lifetime ago, when in fact it's only been a year and a half. Anyway, enough of that.
George was really impressed by everything he saw. He genuinely liked the city and all it had to offer, and I think he really liked the fact that I already knew the place and could show him all sorts of things. Nico liked it, too. I told him a few stories about the Roman empire which he found really fascinating. Much to my displeasure he was extremely fond of gladiator stories. I guess boys will be boys. But I think what he liked most of all was the ice cream. He couldn't believe how many flavours the countless ice-cream parlours had to offer. Luckily George limited Nico's ice-cream intake to once a day, otherwise I fear he would've been even more hyperactive and bouncy because of a constant sugar-rush.
It was nice, however, to be able to escape the city again after a few days. The heat was really getting to us, so it was nice to head southwards to Tuscany for a few more lazy days in the sun. For 7 days we did nothing more active than eat, sleep, lie on the beach and swim. It was heavenly. We had booked a lovely little apartment a mere 5 minute walk from the beach. The town we stayed in wasn't very big, so luckily there weren't that many tourists either. It was all rather unspoiled and lovely, and I enjoyed every second of it. It also gave me the chance to practice my Italian a bit. Regretfully I never spent enough time trying to learn it, so I'm far from fluent. But I can get by just fine, as long as the conversations don't get too complicated.
This whole vacation was perfect, almost too perfect in fact, until the second to last night. George and I were sitting on the balcony of our apartment late at night, sharing a glass of wine and enjoying the light summer breeze. Nico had long gone to be, so it was one of those rare moments when it was just the two of us. And then it happened. George asked me to move in with him. I was caught off-guard by this question. I was tongue-tied, just didn't know what to say. It would be lying if I said I hadn't seen this coming. I knew it was inevitable that at some point he would ask me this question, only I hadn't expected the moment to come so soon.
For a while I didn't say anything. It was an awkward silence. George was just waiting for me to say something, and I was trying desperately to come up with a suitable answer that wouldn't force me to commit to anything just now, but at the same time wouldn't hurt George's feelings too much either. My outward appearance remained calm, but inside I was terrified and feelings of blind fear and panic were threatening to overflow. I realised I had to say something, and quick, or else I would really ruin things between George and me.
Eventually I decided to be honest with him. I told him that I was touched and flattered, but that I just didn't know. I caught a glimpse of rejection and hurt in his eyes, but he didn't say anything. I told him I wasn't saying no, but that I had to think about it. He nodded and said he was glad I wasn't saying no. He kissed me on the cheek and told me to take as much time as I needed. It was very sweet and so typically George to do that, but I just know that anger and frustration was eating away at his insides, even though he would never let it show. He hides it very well, and I don't think most people would have even noticed the undercurrent of frustration and fear of rejection in his behaviour. But I'm still an analyst, so I notice these things.
I feel bad for George sometimes. He's so good to me, and I'm not treating him as well as he deserves to be treated. The next day we both tried to pretend as though nothing had happened, most of all for Nico's sake, but it just wasn't the same as before. Things were awkward between us, and I fear that Nico might have sensed it. It was disappointing to have to end the holidays like this. After all, up until that point it had been absolutely wonderful.
Sometimes I fear I'm only frustrating George, and overcomplicating his life. Which is why part of me just wants to say yes, because it's the least he deserves. But then again I'm afraid, no, terrified, of taking that next step. Because it's not just any kind of change, it is a life changing decision. If I agree to move in with George, it automatically means that we have reached a new level of commitment. It's a massive step forward, and I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to take that step. It's odd, because it feels as though I've got an alternative option, even though I don't actually have one. Moments like these make me think of Harry, and the life that might have been. But of course this is ridiculous. I fear Harry and I were never meant to be, and besides, I can never return to England anyway, so it's no use to even think about it.
But this doesn't bring me any closer to a solution to this problem. Perhaps I should just say yes. After all, it would mean that I'd get to live a very comfortable life. I'd be living in a beautiful house, with a man and a boy who both love me very much. What more could I possibly ask for?
But then there's that ever niggling sense of dread, of fear, in the back of my mind. And no matter how often and in how much detail I try to analyse the situation, I can't seem to be able to shake off that feeling. What on earth am I going to do?
TBC