Title: The Power Of Words and Dreams

Location: Incirlik, Turkey

Date: 1/1/2018

P O V: Jaz Khan

A/N Mentions of Suicide attempts/ Sexual Abuse.

"He told me he knew our dirty little secret, he knew my history he knew if it got out, than I would be expelled and sent to jail, he said he knew Hannah's parents, he knew her dad was a homophobic & would be ashamed of his daughter, he said he would make sure Hannah ended up disowned, penniless if I didn't do what he wanted"

"Jaz...Adam tries to speak I think it's Adam I am far away now, back in those days remembering the fear that had gripped me as his breath crawled over my skin.

"He..He made me go to his apartment which was on campus … he handcuffed me to the bed...he raped me...he made me perform all kinds of sick sexual acts to him"

I can feel Adam's breath on the back of my neck I can feel his body pressed into my backside all of it as I stare outside. I can hear his racing heart, none of it has any effect on me; because I can also feel his voice laughing as he rapes me, I can smell his nasty cigars on his breath as his mouth forces itself on my lips which I am trying so hard to keep closed tight he forces them open biting my lips as I cry out in pain.

"Jaz sweetie you are safe now it's okay please calm down...Jaz take a break"

I can't though if I stop now I will never be able to speak about any of this again. I close my eyes again the dizziness slows down even though my stomach is still rolling. I can still feel how painful it was when he first ripped me open. He didn't use protection… I was so scared, I felt so dirty, so used.

"Did you know?" Preach's voice growls at Hannah who jumps back a little startled.

"She knew… I told her..I also told her not to say anything, I didn't want her to end up homeless, I was scared...she was scared we were both babies… we didn't want to be kicked out.. besides I was tougher, I had endured abuse before...my dad when he would drink he would get nasty..so I carried on, time passed by so slow..so cold...every week night I had to go to his place.. I had to do what he wanted...if he wanted dinner I had to cook it naked...if I burned it or if it didn't taste right..he would burn me with his cigars...never on my face of course only in private places no one would see...he would hit me...kick me...rape me..well he did that anyway…

"My only escape were weekends when I got to go to Patricia's she never suspected I guess I was a good actress, she was so caught up in Dean's world of sports, karate, school. I was just an obligation as long as I did my part made good grades stayed out of trouble, smiled laughed acted like I was happy she didn't need to look deeper"

I'm thankful Hannah takes over I feel so damn tired so heavy I can't keep my eyes open anymore I am fighting against the tears so hard it's such a struggle. I just don't feel like I have any right to cry.

"I knew Jaz couldn't keep going she was hurting so bad she had stopped eating she was cutting herself, she was stealing pills from other students to keep awake in class, because she couldn't sleep without having nightmares at night, she woke up sweating violently getting sick. She was losing weight losing hope the will to live..so I told my parents all of it that I was gay, that Jaz was being blackmailed….

"I thought my dad would help he had always been my hero I was always his little girl…

I hear Hannah's pain I feel her guilt wash over me, there's a part of me that wants to hug her tell her that it's okay. I can't though because part of me blames her, part of me is still so fucking mad at her, I can't even open my eyes to look at her.

"He didn't he went to Jaz he threatened her to stay away from me, that he didn't want his daughter catching her disease...that I was straight I was a good kid, he withdrew me from school and forced me to attend a catholic school he said it would cure me, he cut my cell phone off, he changed my name...he made it impossible for her to find me, he … he even paid Sargent Park to keep doing what he as doing to Jaz"

"Why didn't you tell Patricia Hannah Jaz's guardian or someone else?"

"I was scared McGuire I was just a kid myself, I found out my own dad was ashamed of me, my mom took his side, I felt alone...I didn't want to end up homeless...okay I know it was crappy... I fucking get it okay! I don't need any of you acting like you would of made a better choice a different choice none of you were me, none of you walked in my shoes. I loved Jaz...but I loved my parents to….

"You loved your life Hannah you loved your parents money the protection it provided you. Damn it you left Jaz in the hands of a rapist a child molester…

I should defend her I'm just too tired anymore to even fight…

"How could you not have noticed something was going on Patricia? You saw her every weekend, you must of seen the weight loss, the fact she didn't eat...the dark circles under her eyes, the fear..the pain"

"I did Adam your right, you have to remember I barely knew Jaz and she was so good at hiding everything, it's not like I didn't try. I arranged weekends where Dean would sleepover at friends, I took Jaz to concerts, picnics, beauty makeovers, we spent time at home just the two of us...she was 15 she was closed off by nature…

"So how did you…

"Escape him Preach?"

"Yeah….

"I tried to kill myself...I got sick of it one night when I was at home when Patricia was at a game with Dean. I told her I was feeling sick so she let me stay home, I took a razor to my wrist I didn't do it stupidly though most people cut across no I cut straight up hitting the veins…

I can remember the feeling of Euphoria as the blood drained itself from my body as I felt my body hitting the floor, I remember staring up at the ceiling which was a light blue with clouds painted across it, the room use to be Dean's nursery. I felt like Heaven was calling to me...as I felt my life slowly fading. I can still remember the racing of Patricia's footsteps as she ran upstairs sensing something wasn't right, hear her panic voice as she bangs on the locked door. Feel my heartbeat slowly fading. I was so sure what I was doing was right. If only she could see my reasons.

"The whole time I was at Dean's game I couldn't get this look in Jaz's eyes out of my head, when I was saying goodbye to her. I felt like she was saying goodbye forever, I saw a bruise on her neck when I kissed her check, she didn't feel feverish, she felt cold clammy."

"It was something she said to me when I told her I would see her later. She said it wasn't suppose to be like this Patricia I am so sorry I don't mean to be a disappointment, I didn't know what she meant I just thought she was being dramatic she was a teen girl she had depression issues, she had gotten a C in one class, I thought she was just mad at herself….the more I thought about it as I watched Dean on the field though I just kept getting this cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach it traveled across my body...I kept calling her cell...she was always good at picking up ...this time she didn't…

"Than I got a text from her…

I remember that text clear as day. "I'm tired of being a victim I am tired of being a disappointment, I am sick of being the reason everyone laughs at, I am sick of being weak...Patricia I am just sick of being sick, I am sorry you have done so much for me...I just can't take it anymore I didn't ask to be born this way. I just was...you deserve so much more...than a burden like me, so please forget about me..don't waste your time on me I am not worth it. Goodbye Patricia thank you for all you did...I love you for trying...Please don't try anymore. I'm going home now"

"Jaz….

"Jaz… I can hear my name being called why can't I answer? Everything is spinning so fast, my breathing has become so difficult what the hell is happening to me? There's that darkness again it's calling for me asking for me to embrace me. I know I should fight it I try I can't though I feel my knees buckle.

A/N: If You or anyone you know is feeling suicidal there is help, your life is wroth saving, you have a purpose for being here, don't let the darkness steal your light. Talk to someone you trust if you don't have anyone call for help someone is always there, people do care.

1-800-273-8255 is the national Suicide prevention line

1-866-488-7386 is the Trevor line

112 and 999 In Ireland/ 1-800-668-6868 is the kids help line in Canada