Chapter 10- The one who couldn't have both.

It was Hikaru's fault. It wasn't Hikaru's fault for wanting to have both. Haruhi and their little world.

"No. If its anyone's fault its mine. I made it clear our world wasn't important to me anymore. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have hurt him..." Kaoru said. Therapy. Only the first month and it was already not helping. But then, Kaoru didn't really want to be helped. He wanted to suffer. He wanted to suffer a lot. He felt he deserved it. If he wasn't dead with Hikaru then he would torture himself until he was.

"Your brother's death wasn't your fault Kaoru-" The gentle therapist said. She was the best money could buy, his parent's spared no expense to help Kaoru recover. But it wasn't working. The best wasn't good enough.

"HE WAS MORE THAN JUST MY BROTHER HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND! AND I KILLED HIM! I KILLED HIM BEFORE HE WAS EVEN DEAD I SHOULDN'T HAVE HURT HIM LIKE THAT!"

"What did you do? Tell me. It will help..."

"It won't help..." He was reluctant to talk but eventually did. Three sessions. He'd trusted her enough to tell her this much. Might as well be out with the whole thing.

"I told you that we had a crush on the same girl... She's amazing and we always tend to like the same things... Well see... I yelled at him. I told him he wasn't good enough for her. He said... He said I know. That made me mad for some reason... Why wasn't he fighting for her? Why didn't he want her like I did? Was he just giving up? Haruhi is too good to be given up on and it made me FURIOUS. So I yelled some more... I said some things..." He went quiet. Tears dripped at his eyes.

"What did you say?" She prompted, offering him a tissue. He took it but just let the tears roll down his cheeks instead of wiping them away. He liked the way they felt as they fell.

"I told him he wasn't good enough for her again, and then I said he wasn't good enough for me. I said he wasn't good enough as a brother and that I wished I didn't have a brother because he made me sick. I was so mad but the hurt on his face... He looked so broken and I felt so horrible but I didn't have the words to say I'm sorry. He left. He was gone all night. Off driving. He never does that but no one stopped him. I woke up that night from a nightmare and he wasn't there to tell me it was okay like he always is and then I remembered what I said... I tried calling him. I searched the house but he was nowhere. His car was still gone so I left it alone. I just didn't go back to sleep. Except I must have because the next morning I woke up to police officers in our house. They told us what happened. He must of gotten sleepy. He should have come home! He should have! He almost hit someone. A family. Two adults three kids. Little kids... He didn't want to hit them. He swerved. He drove off a bridge and its my fault. Everything is my fault. You can't fix me because I should be the one dead."

"Its not your fault. It was Hikaru's decision to go out there alone in the dark."

"But I pushed him to that decision. Before his body was dead his heart was broken the words I said killed him. It made him feel like he wasn't a good person. Our world was the most important thing to him and I told him that I wished it didn't exist. That I wished he didn't exist. He must have taken me seriously because the next morning I woke up and he's dead. Its my nightmare over and over again. Even though I wasn't there I see him swerve off that bridge. I hear him... He says 'you don't have a brother Kaoru. if thats what you want. if you pick her over me... i guess i'll just disappear...' our life together, the photographs and memories, in my dreams I see him and he's being erased from them one by one... Its my fault..." He looked at the clock. Their session had ended ten minutes ago, so he was free to leave. He'd said too much, shared too much. She couldn't fix him. No one could "fix" him.

To be fixed you had to have all the pieces. You could be partially fixed without all the pieces, but you'd never exactly work the same. Kaoru had lost a piece. The most important piece of all. His brother. They'd always been together, worked together. A machine, working together, always together, pushing people away so they'd stay perfectly intact just the two of them.

The minute people started coming into their lives they started breaking. It was always fixable though. Until Haruhi. Suddenly Kaoru hadn't minded their machine being a little broken. He figured if things didn't work out with the Ouran Host Club their machine could always be put back together. He figured even if people entered their lives they'd still always have each other.

And then one of the pieces had drowned in the bottom of a bridge.

How could he be fixed now? When he'd practically been the one driving his brother off the bridge. He wished he'd been the one driving his brother off the bridge. Because then at least they would have died together.

Not actually unrealistic that Kaoru would snap. He does in the manga. I haven't finished the manga, so if you have no spoilers.