Chapter 10: O du, mein holder Abendstern

~Wie Todesahnung Dämm rung deckt die Lande…~

-Like a premonition of death, darkness covers the land…-

I turned around to see Kei who looked like he hadn't aged since his disappearance ten years ago. His glasses glistened under the fluorescent lights as he slowly approached us. Or maybe everything else around me slowed down as I focused on him, giving that bastard the entrance he sure as hell didn't deserve.

Kosuke stood off to the side, unaffected by Kei's presence while Hiwatari gasped before stiffening up. Despite my better judgement, I rested my hand on his shoulder to ground him and, maybe, offer some form of comfort.

"I thought you were dead," Hiwatari stated as if it weren't a matter-of-fact just proven wrong, smooshed in between a gavel and its sound block. Belying the calm tone of his voice was a growing anger I could feel from his tense shoulders.

"Most people are ecstatic to find out their loved ones aren't actually dead," Kei said with that sleazy smile of his. "I'm sorry to disappoint you."

"Where's Uncle Kazama?" Hiwatari snapped.

"Back in Tokyo, enjoying the comforts of his bed. I just asked him for a small favor involving a little white lie." Kei took a step forward with open arms. "I've missed you so much, Satoshi."

Without even thinking, I slipped my hand off Hiwatari's shoulder and stepped in front of him protectively. I shot a glare at Kei, hoping it would stop him it his tracks. And, even though it did, he just laughed at me.

"How cute," Kei remarked. "Your girlfriend takes such good care of you."

"I'm not his girlfriend!" I barked, getting the attention of several passersby.

"But I thought you were, Harada Risa-san. Or am I mistaken?"

Hearing my name come from his mouth set off something inside of me. Whatever shred of decorum I still possessed gave way to a boiling frenzy, and I had more than half a mind to throw away the notion of public decency to slap that conceited smile off that bastard's face. Before I could act on that impulse though, Kosuke grabbed Kei's arm and jerked the man back.

"Kei, stop this," Kosuke snapped. "Provoking them isn't making this any better." He then turned to us, and his anger gave way to distress. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have let the two of you come here if I knew that he'd act like this. It was already bad enough that we had to lie to you, but…"

My eyes widened, trying to process this new addition to this unfortunate chain of events unfolding before me. Hiwatari, however, marched past me with his suitcase in tow before stopping in front of Kosuke with eyes glaring and knuckles white as he gripped the handle of his luggage.

"You…knew that he was alive?" Hiwatari asked with slight hysteria in his voice.

"Yes."

He didn't put up a fight or bother to stay in case Kosuke wanted to apologize. Instead, Hiwatari quickly disappeared into the crowd with his things. I left my bags with Kosuke before bolting after Hiwatari, eventually spotting him waiting in line at a Starbucks, intently staring at something on his phone.

"Sorry, Harada-san," he said once I stood next to him.

"Don't apologize. It's not your fault." The line had slightly moved, and we took a step forward. "Um…how're you feeling?"

"Guilty that I've dragged you into this. Shocked that the damn bastard's alive. Betrayed. Lost." He let out a long breath. "God, I'm losing my mind here."

"And coffee will help?"

"It'll calm me, so it's at least a start to diffusing this mess."

We finally reached the cashier, and Hiwatari ordered in what sounded like German. And, after he got his order of Americano, we sat at a nearby bench.

"I…um…didn't realize that you spoke German."

"I'm decently conversational, but that is neither here nor there." He paused. "You never were one to beat around the bush, Harada-san."

"Considering that this bush is literally on fire, I'd rather be safe than sorry." I sighed. He probably calmed down somewhat if he could slip in that comment. "So…what now?"

"Find a place to stay at for the night. Rebook the return flight. Try to forget about the time and money I wasted on that bastard."

"And what about me and Kosuke?"

"You're welcome to tag along but—" He stopped himself before taking a deep breath to calm the modulation in his voice and probably to avoid saying anything about Kosuke whom, while surprisingly a part of the guilty party, he still respected. "Why would he lie about that?"

"You should ask him."

Hiwatari shot me a look, clearly upset with my reply. "Harada-san, I don't need your non-answers right now."

"It's not one! It's better for you to get the truth from him than to make baseless assumptions that could possibly ruin your relationship."

He sighed. "Please don't tell me this is your advice regarding Kei as well."

"It is." He groaned. "But instead of ruining the relationship, it'll help you decide what exactly you want to do with it."

"He doesn't deserve my time," he grumbled before taking a sip of his coffee.

"I know he doesn't. And you don't have to give it to him. You can hop on a plane and forget this ever happened, or you could stay and find out; it's your decision to make."

"You're not going to stop me from leaving?"

I shrugged. "I'd highly recommend it but, considering I gave you the time of day, I don't think I'm in any position to stop you."

He stayed silent, probably mulling over what I had just told him while trying to control himself so I wouldn't be at the receiving end of his frustrations. When he finished his drink, we headed back to the baggage claim to see both Kei and Kosuke animatedly conversing at a bench. Once they noticed me and Hiwatari, Kei stayed seated, smiling like a self-righteous asshole while Kosuke stood up with a concerned expression.

"Satoshi, how're you?"

"Awful, so let's leave the airport before I change my mind."

…

I didn't pay much attention to what little conversation occurred in the car, instead opting to admire the view flitting by us. This wasn't my situation to butt into, and I didn't want to force myself to make awkward small talk, so I stayed silent until Kei parked his car and led us to his apartment.

"Welcome," he greeted, opening the door. "Feel free to make yourselves at home for the upcoming week."

I gasped at the small yet lavishly decorated entryway, cautiously eyeing the red antique vase balanced atop a small, lacquered table with intricate designs carved into it. Even the mansion I lived in wasn't as obnoxiously decorated as this.

"You boys will be staying down here in that room over there." He pointed to the dark-brown door by that vase. "Harada-san, you'll be upstairs with the bedroom and bathroom all to yourself."

"Where're you staying?" Kosuke asked.

Kei gestured towards another door. "I have quite the comfortable chaise in my study, so I'll be fine." He then turned to Hiwatari with an exuberant smile before patting the young man who looked like he was teetering on the edge of death. "And you should hurry and settle in because we've got lunch plans!"

Hiwatari begrudgingly brought his and Kosuke's suitcases to the room while Kei stayed by the entrance, listing the afternoon plans he had in store for Hiwatari. The four of us parted ways outside the apartment, leaving me and Kosuke free to explore Vienna.

"So, where to for lunch?"

I pulled out my phone to find a place close by, deciding on a quaint café that was walking distance away from us. The waiter greeted us in English when we walked in, but Kosuke replied in German.

"You know German, too?" I asked once we sat at a table.

"I minored in it in college," he sheepishly admitted. "It helps whenever I have to visit the German-speaking countries to check up on the artworks."

We looked through the menu that I, despite having a relatively decent grip on English, still couldn't understand, so Kosuke had to explain what the dishes were. After I took forever to decide, Kosuke ordered for us in German before slipping back to Japanese once he turned to me, and I found comfort in the familiar syllables of home in the midst of this foreign country.

"I'm a bit rusty on my German, so please forgive me for using this time to practice."

"It's okay! I'm sure they appreciate speaking in their native language."

And, at that moment, I realized that I had never sat down and talked to Kosuke alone. For some reason or another, he was always out and about whenever I was at the Niwa's. He was amicable whenever we talked in a group setting, so I had nothing to worry about, but I didn't know how to approach him in conversation when it was just the two of us.

Meaning that I would sit there in silence because I knew I had no right to pry into what I really wanted to talk about.

"There's no need to be shy," he said with a kind smile.

"I think I'll stick to being shy considering."

Kosuke let out a knowing laugh. "I'll tell you as much as I'm comfortable with sharing."

"…why did you start talking with Kei?"

"He had sent me a handwritten letter a couple of months after he had disappeared, so I just ignored it hoping that he wouldn't write any more, but the letters kept coming no matter how many times I burned them up. Emiko was worried that Satoshi would find out, so I replied to Kei to dissuade him from sending anymore, but his reply persuaded me to continue our correspondence, so we then moved to using e-mail so that Satoshi wouldn't find out unless I was extremely careless, or the young man was possessed with an uncharacteristic need to snoop."

"What did Ms. Emiko and Grandpa Daiki think about your decision?"

"They thought it was stupid," he said with a small smile. "But Kei visited one day, properly planned so that no one would find out that he was in town, and they warmed up to him. Now Emiko bugs him to bring a set of china and Dad asks for a tailor-made suit whenever he says he's dropping by." Kosuke chuckled. "Despite how Kei is acting right now, he's changed a lot. He's probably nervous and doesn't know how to approach him, so he's fallen onto something familiar."

I nodded, staring out the window and watching the passersby. The café played some trending English hits, but it just didn't feel right for me to internally jam to such up-tempo songs considering what had happened earlier. I also never imagined that I could ever relate to and understand Kei, so the rhythm of my surroundings helped to keep my mind off that. In a way, it felt like I was betraying Hiwatari by sympathizing with Kei, especially when whatever neutrality I thought I would have in this predicament had fizzled up the moment Kosuke revealed that he'd been talking to Kei in secret for so long.

"Uninterested?" Kosuke jokingly asked.

"No! It's just…a lot to take in. And…I don't know. It doesn't feel right for me to hear this."

"Out of everyone, I think you have the right to know."

The waiter came by with our food, kindly greeting Kosuke before they headed towards another table and started speaking English. I played with the straw in my water cup before drawing lines onto the forming condensation, somehow unable to dig into the food in front of me

"You've changed," Kosuke remarked with a kind smile as he unfolded the napkin holding his utensils. I braced myself for whatever he had to say if that expression of his was meant to soften the blow of his words. "Back then, you would've pestered me to tell you no matter what. You've grown, or regressed, depending on how you look at it."

I had nothing to say to that two-faced remark, and he didn't bother to continue this conversation. He kept that kind smile on his face as he reached over to grab the napkin holding my utensils, unwrapping them before handing everything back to me and asking how I wanted to spend the rest of my day. Considering everything, I honestly just wanted to sleep, but if Kosuke wanted to explore Vienna, I didn't mind tagging along.

For now, I just had to worry about getting to know my sister's future father-in-law.

…

I woke up to a knock on my door.

"Come in," I grumbled, squinting as I peeked over the covers.

The door opened, and Hiwatari stepped in. He stomped towards the chair next to my bed with the nastiest expression on his face.

"How'd lunch go?" I asked, trying to quickly wake up so I could properly talk to him.

"Awful. His cloying attitude was choking me. And then he dragged me to the university he works at and introduced me to all his friends as his wayward son who had finally returned home."

"The university?"

"He apparently teaches criminal justice and art history there."

"Interesting." I peeled off the covers before sitting up to lean against the cushioned headboard. "So, what made lunch so awful?"

"Because nothing happened. He was overly affectionate while somehow coming off as being completely genuine. And he had that stupid smile on his face the whole time—goddamn, it was awful."

I nodded, mulling on an appropriate response.

"Don't you have anything to say? Why is it that you're so quiet whenever I want you to speak up?"

"Keep up that snappy attitude of yours, and you won't hear the end of me." He apologized, and I sighed. "Honestly, you really need to keep your emotions in check sometimes. And, well, have you tried telling him that he makes you uncomfortable?"

He scoffed. "What would that accomplish with such an insufferable man?"

"A lot more than you think it will, apparently. I mean, do you want to bottle it all up and have a repeat of what happened at the Niwa's house?"

He shook his head before taking a few deep breaths. The lines of frustration on his face smoothed out, giving way to that nonplussed expression of his. "We're going out for dinner in a bit, so please get ready."

I laughed at his changed temperament, leading to him staring at me with slightly furrowed eyebrows from confusion at my sudden amusement. "You used to be so passive aggressive when you got angry. Either that or you'd keep to yourself until someone pestered it out of you. Now, you're just plain aggressive."

"I probably got that from you Harada sisters," he joked. "You two are terrifying when you're upset."

"Hey!" But he laughed at me feigning offense towards his comment, and I was glad that he at least seemed to be feeling better. He dismissed himself so I could freshen up, and I put on a light face of makeup and changed into a semi-formal blouse and skirt before walking into the living room area. The light-hearted atmosphere from my room disappeared, giving way to a tension I knew I couldn't alleviate.

"You look lovely," Kei commented, and I politely thanked him in return. "Well then, shall we go?"

We left the apartment for the streets teeming with people. Kosuke and Kei led the way, laughing about Kei's teaching hijinks while Hiwatari stayed a couple of paces behind. I walked next to him, asking questions about our surroundings whenever I had some, but he wasn't much for conversing, so we spent most of the trip in silence.

Once we arrived at our destination, a high-class restaurant I was clearly underdressed for, the hostess immediately led us to a table because of Kei's reservation. He raved on about the food while I sat down next to Hiwatari, placing my unfolded napkin on my lap and somehow finding interest in Kei's topic of conversation.

After the first course came, because apparently there was a different meu every night depending on the chef's mood, Kei started his official interrogation with that sleazy grin on his face and his hands folded in anticipation for the juicy information to come.

"So, you're not dating Satoshi anymore?" he asked. Did he truly not know or was he trying to start something?

"That would imply that we were dating…sir."

"Oh! It was like that, huh?"

I winced, squeezing the napkin resting on my lap with my hands. Any other normal person would've dropped such a personal topic after noticing my obvious discomfort but Kei, who apparently couldn't read social cues, kept on. His usual lackadaisical demeanor disappeared and an unusually grave one took its place. I gulped.

"It must've been difficult for you then, Harada-san."

I bit my lip. How transparent was I that Kei, who'd probably only heard about this whole ordeal from the second-hand information he received from his correspondences with Kosuke, had found out about my feelings for Hiwatari back then?

"It's not too bad. We're…working through it."

"You shouldn't have to though," he remarked with what seemed like genuine concern. "If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have given him a second chance. Those happy memories you've shared shouldn't overshadow your awful experiences and override your common sense."

Hiwatari stiffened up next to me. Kosuke, knowing that he had no place in this conversation, focused on the food in front of him.

"Honestly, I never wanted to give him a second chance. And sometimes, I still find myself wondering why I even bothered to give him one in the first place. But here I am, in my situation, thoroughly confused but confident in the decision that I've made."

He laughed. "What a kind heart you have to bring yourself to forgive him."

"I don't necessarily think it's kindness per say. I think it's coming from the part of me that just wants to move on, is all. And maybe it'll help him go forward, too." I forced a small smile on my face, looking down at my hands, knuckles white from gripping the napkin too hard. "Although that may just be wishful thinking; it seems like he didn't need me to do so in the first place."

The hard truth of this reality had hit me and, before I could break down and cry, a waiter came by to replace our empty plates with the next course. Our conversation eased into a less serious subject as we dug into the food, but I still felt the weight of my words.

I had returned to Azumano to see Hiwatari flourishing beyond my belief. He had, somehow, eased himself into the hole I had left, almost as if he was living the life I would've had if I had stuck with my initial plan and stayed close to home. If I had known that this were the case, I wouldn't have returned home anyway, living my life without having to face the memories I wanted to keep locked up.

Hiwatari scooted slightly closer to me, but for what reason I honestly wasn't sure. But he stayed there the whole dinner, with his shoulder brushing lightly against mine.

And that, after dinner had finally ended, was how we walked home: Hiwatari's arm flush against mine with his hand threatening to grab mine. And when I felt Hiwatari take my hand in the darkness, I felt something inside me break.

…

Walking out of the room, still drowsy from the jet-lag, I headed to the kitchen for some water. Despite my half-dazed state, I stopped when I saw Hiwatari and Kosuke at the table, stifling silent as they went about their business: Hiwatari had a newspaper open in front of him while Kosuke scribbled in his journal. The latter eventually stopped writing with a sigh, closing his journal and facing the younger man in front of him.

"Satoshi, I'm sorry," Kosuke started. "I never meant to continue talking to Kei, but—"

"But what?" Hiwatari interrupted, somehow still reading the newspaper. From where I stood though, I saw the paper crinkle under his grip. Oh no. "What could that awful man possibly tell you for you to overlook such blatant abuse of his parental power and the fact that he abandoned me after not getting his filthy hands on the Hikari artwork?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Wouldn't understand?" He slammed the closed newspaper on the table, no longer obscuring the animosity radiating from his expression. "I'm not a child anymore, Kosuke. I'm not going to possibly understand if—"

Someone cleared his throat behind me. I turned to see Kei, dressed up for another go around of Vienna, except he didn't have that unreadable smile on his face.

"Satoshi, why're you raising your voice to Kosuke?" he scolded. "I may have been a shitty father, but I sure as hell know that I didn't raise you to talk back to your elders like that."

Knowing Hiwatari, he probably had a lot of comebacks to Kei's boldness. But the young man yielded, apologizing to Kosuke before getting up from the table. He followed Kei, who had regained his smile in the midst of such stark silence, to the door. Kei kindly greeted me, contrasting his icy, cold son who ignored me, before the two of them left the apartment with a relieving shut of the front door.

I finally headed into the kitchen, grabbing a bottled water and cup of yogurt from the fridge before sitting in the seat Hiwatari was in moments ago. Kosuke shot me a smile before shaking his head.

"He's taken after you," he remarked.

"No need to remind me," I grumbled before I practically chomped on a spoonful of yogurt. "I don't think it was a wise idea to approach him with that this early in the morning."

"Better sooner than later I always say."

"Do you even know your adopted son?" Kosuke laughed, clearly amused with something that was flying over my head. "Kosuke-san, what is so funny?"

"Harada-san, it's shocking to see how quickly you fell back into step with everything."

I groaned again, hating how easy it was for Kosuke to read me. Once I finished my breakfast, I asked Kosuke if he wanted to accompany me to the zoo. He looked shocked that I wanted to go there, of all places, but agreed anyway with that polite smile of his.

Now that I think about it, Kosuke had a lot in common with Kei. Was that why they got along well?

/…\

Both Riku and I posed in front of the elephant while Daisuke positioned himself to take our picture. Hiwatari stood in the shade, looking like an excessive statue with our bags hanging on him and our food in his hands.

For our last summer in high school (sans Hiwatari), we wanted to go on a trip outside of Azumano. We managed to convince our parents on the condition that Grandpa Daiki tag along as a chaperone so, after Hiwatari snagged a couple of days off, we were set to explore Tokyo again without the restrictions our field trip had. Grandpa Daiki opted to go to a nearby museum to escape the heat, leaving us four with free reign at Ueno zoo until we had to meet up with him.

"How'd it turn out?" we asked. Daisuke showed us, trying to control his giggling to no avail. Once Riku and I looked at the picture, we burst in laughter before moving onto the next animal on our agenda.

Once lunchtime rolled around, Daisuke and Riku broke off for their date, leaving me with Hiwatari and a melting snow cone.

"I love them, but I also really hate them right now!" I complained.

Hiwatari only laughed next to me, and I shot him a glare that effectively silenced him. Sure, couples are cute, but I didn't need them parading circles around me as a reminder that I could never have that with Hiwatari. Whatever opportunity I had to persuade him to entertain the idea of giving me a chance and going public about it had long, long passed.

"Where do you want to go next?" Hiwatari asked once I finished my dessert.

"The pandas."

"Again? We saw them earlier."

"Well, I like pandas, so suck it up and come with me."

I was ready to march over to their enclosure when Hiwatari took my hand. Frozen in place, I turned to him for some type of explanation to ease my internal panicking, but he just had his usual deadpan.

"What are you doing?" I hissed, wildly gesturing to our intertwined hands (and fingers!) like it was a mutant.

"No one's around, so I thought you wouldn't mind."

I stared at him in disbelief. No one around? There were people hailing from all over Japan, with some foreigners sprinkled into the mix, surrounding us. I sure as hell did mind considering that my poor brain wasn't prepared for this nor was it capable of processing this situation.

He poked my nose, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"How often do we meet up in public without them? We should enjoy this while we can." Nudging my shoulder in affirmation, we headed towards the pandas hand-in-hand. When I saw the adorable bears, I couldn't help but squeeze his hand, blissfully caught up with such a fortunate turn of events. But when he reciprocated, that niggling doubt that something was different between us returned, and that yearning for an actual relationship, fueled by these definite, sporadic moments, only clouded my understanding, giving way to that heavy feeling of being so close yet so far away.

Even as he pulled out his phone to take a picture, somehow completely oblivious to me not taking mine out quickly, those smiles we captured were only a haunting reflection of what I had found myself in.

…

Kosuke and I sat underneath a bench at Tiergarten Schönbrunn, munching on some pretzels for lunch. We spent the morning taking pictures filled with Niwa spirit in front of the animals, making such big fools of ourselves that we had attracted an audience of young kids asking their parents if we were part of the zoo as well.

Emiko would be proud that her son was marrying into a family that could keep up such energy. And I was completely sure that Riku and Daisuke would personally enjoy my photoshoot in front of the elephants. And the flamingos because of that ridiculous couple's picture they took all those years ago.

Once we polished off our food, we headed towards the pandas. I thought that Kosuke would've had something to say considering that he was so talkative that morning, but he kept silent for most of the way. Since I didn't have much to say either, we spent those handful of minutes taking in the sights—and smells, unfortunately—until we found ourselves waiting behind a crowd for the pandas.

"Sorry," he started. I stared at him in confusion for his sudden apology. "For telling Kei about you."

"Why bring this up now?"

He had moved ever so slightly closer to the pandas, but still not close enough to get good pictures. "I figured you must've been shocked to hear Kei talk about it and, since I've already told Hiwatari the truth, I figured I might as well be honest for the rest of this trip."

"It's fine. I was a good friend of Hiwatari-san's, so it only made sense that you would talk about me with regards to him."

"And, while I'm on this train of honesty that you don't have to board, it is true that you had something for Satoshi, yes?"

I frowned. "I'm pretty sure it was obvious to a blind man, yes. Where are you going with this?"

"…there was something going on between the two of you, wasn't there?"

My breath hitched. Was this how Hiwatari felt when Kosuke had revealed that he had been talking to Kei? Vulnerable? Exposed?

"Kosuke-san, why are you—?"

"Harada-san, you don't have to force yourself to forgive him, much like Satoshi has no obligation to forgive Kei. If something did happen, which I won't pry from you, I don't want you to two to get hurt from trying to heal yourselves. Laufen ist eine Schande, aber gesund."

"What does that mean?"

"'He that runs and flees away, might live to see another day.'"

Finding a shaded bench close by, I sat down, trying to find a response to his words. Kosuke sat beside me, keeping his distance after broaching such a sensitive topic. If Kosuke weren't an elder and my sister's to-be-father-in-law (and we weren't at a zoo surrounded by impressionable children), I sure as hell wouldn't be trying so hard to keep myself calm because of this.

"As stubborn and stupid as this may sound, I need to do this," I firmly told him. "I wanted this trip to help me put everything in the past. I want to be able to properly forgive Hiwatari-san and properly move forward from this. So, if I must literally run myself mentally and emotionally ragged by being Hiwatari's support during this, then so be it."

"As stubborn as stupid as it may be, your resolve and strength are admirable."

"Thanks. They might be the only redeeming qualities I have. Or they may lead to my downfall."

He laughed before standing up, offering me a hand that I didn't take.

"You're quite cruel, you know?" I told him as I stood up myself, brushing my behind in case something had gotten on it while I was sitting. "There are better ways to deal with this than with such uncaring bluntness; it's no wonder Hiwatari-san won't listen to you."

But he had only given me that smile, one was somehow simultaneously genuine and fake, before we dove back into the crowd surrounding the pandas.

…

"The zoo?" Kei asked. "There must've been better places for you two to visit."

"Well, we had fun, so that's all that matters." I told him, triumphantly taking a sip of my wine.

Kei had taken all of us out for dinner, again, at one of those restaurants where reservations were required and serving sizes were non-existent. And after he shared how his day went, which involved taking Hiwatari to a museum that housed Hikari artworks for their routine maintenance and inspection, a "wonderful" lunch date, and another trip to the university where he paraded his son, he exclusively talked to Kosuke about something, leaving me and Hiwatari to entertain ourselves with the food and each other.

"So, how'd the day go?" I asked Hiwatari.

"Wonderfully well. So much so that it was terrifying."

The waiter came by, taking our plates. The three men at the table talked to him in German while I only offered a small smile to him, which he returned before heading elsewhere.

"Looks like he likes you," Kei chirped with that sly grin of his. I glanced over at Kosuke, wondering if he had any opinion on this specific comment, but he simply looked away with pursed lips. If he was like that, then I really didn't want to see Hiwatari's face.

"Ha. Go back to minding your business, you old fart." Kei only laughed before returning to his conversation about kofun with Kosuke.

"You seem to be getting along with Kei," Hiwatari remarked with disdain.

"Your definition of 'getting along' must be skewed then if you think such underhanded comments fall under it." I moved my water just for the sake of doing something. "If anything, it seems like the two of you are getting along."

He groaned. "Let's forget about him. Anyways, how was the zoo?"

"It was fun! It reminded me of that trip we took back then to Tokyo!"

Hiwatari stiffened, for good reason I suppose, and I noticed Kei slightly quiet down, as if wanting to eavesdrop on this conversation after seeing his son's change in demeanor. "Do you have any pictures?" Hiwatari asked. I nodded. "Could I see them?"

"Sure! They're out of order though because Kosuke sent me some of his."

I handed him my phone and watched him silently browse through them. But every once in a while, whenever he would see a picture referencing our trip from back then, he'd laugh, making a comment or two before sliding his finger onto the screen for the next one.

That was until he paused on one of the photos I took with the elephants.

"Harada-san?"

"Yes?"

He zoomed into the picture until I saw one of nature's presents taking up a good portion of my screen. "I didn't realize that you enjoy sharing the spotlight with feces."

With his tone of voice, it was like he was telling me that the rain was awful that morning or that the food needed a bit more salt. It took me a few beats to even process this Hiwatari Joke (a phrase I coined for his straight-laced sense of humor), and when I finally did, I had half a mind to smack him right there. But then I remembered that he had only found the opportunity to joke at this fortuitous picture because of—

I heard a snort at the table and turned to see Kosuke covering his mouth, as if that could contain the laughter bubbling inside him. Kei followed, letting out a slightly derisive chuckle as if he was watching some kids make fools of themselves. Kosuke, after calming himself down to the point that he was no longer shaking to contain his laughter but still had a huge grin on his face, kept apologizing to me, but there was no way in hell he was genuine about it if he was this amused by it.

"Did you really have to?" I asked Hiwatari, as if I was scolding a four-year old who had just drawn on a wall with crayons.

"I'm sorry."

Eventually Kosuke calmed down, and Kei just shook his head before resuming his conversation, leaving me to deal with a slight case of embarrassment while watching Hiwatari go back to looking through the photos. He stopped when he saw my first picture with the pandas, but he didn't say anything, taking his time to look at each one before breezing through the rest and handing my phone back to me.

"Kosuke is better at photography than you."

"Thanks," I grumbled.

But he just shot me a small smile before the waiter came again, taking our plates and meeting my gaze once more before heading back to the kitchen. Someone, probably Kei, whistled, and I really wanted to kick him under the table. What was this man trying to accomplish by picking on me like this?

"Harada-san?" I turned to Hiwatari, who effectively took my mind off of his awful father. "Thank you for everything, really."

"Please don't thank me yet, especially if you haven't talked to Kosuke-san and Kei-san yet."

"For once, can you accept my gratitude without the usual biting remark?"

"Okay then. Because you asked, you're welcome."

He frowned, and I couldn't help but smile. Honestly, I was probably one of the only things keeping him sane right now. But, at the same time, I really didn't know how I felt by quickly being thrust back into such an important position in his life.

Luckily, Hiwatari found some interest in Kosuke and Kei's conversation, leaving me to drown that growing monster of regret and guilt with wine (and water because the damn bastards would know something was up if I downed a flute that quickly.)

…

Hiwatari and Kei were already gone when I woke up the next morning. Kosuke was still in the apartment though, sitting at the dining table and writing in his journal. I joined him, water and yogurt in hand, while we decided on what to do for the day. Kosuke wanted to check out the Austrian National Library so, after breakfast, I tided up and we went on our way.

We had passed by a group about to begin a tour for the State Hall, but Kosuke assured me that we didn't need one when we entered. I gasped at the sheer beauty of everything. Compared to those stuffy libraries I found myself in back in college, this was paradise.

Most of the people around us were tourists as well, carrying those huge day-bags with their phones and cameras at the ready. Apparently, we were independent from the reading rooms of the library, so we'd have to go elsewhere if we wanted to sit down and read, but Kosuke led me around the hall, giving me my own personal tour. (I asked him how he knew about all this stuff, and he admitted that Kei had talked to him about it earlier that morning.) Once the "tour" ended, we wandered around until we stumbled upon one of the reading rooms. I claimed a relatively empty table and pulled out a book (Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen) while Kosuke scampered off. I spent that time mostly undisturbed, only looking up when Kosuke returned with a stack of books that practically eclipsed him.

My phone rang while I was reading, but I dismissed whoever it was because I was so engrossed with my book. Thankfully, whoever needed to reach me eventually stopped, and I returned to my undisturbed bliss. Briefly. A familiar voice entered my immediate attention, ebbing and flowing until his whispered Japanese pierced through the white noise of foreign grumbles, page flipping, and keyboard typing.

I looked up, unfazed at the winded Hiwatari standing in front of me.

"Jesus," he breathed. "Did the two of you not get my messages?"

"I turned my phone off," Kosuke answered from behind his fortress of books.

"And you know how I get when I'm reading," Apparently, our excuses weren't good enough for him. He just shot us looks as he sat down. "So, how'd you know we'd be here?"

"Kei."

"And, um, what brings you here?"

"Something came up at the university, so Kei let me go early."

"You must've been so happy."

"You have no idea." His breathing finally calmed, and he shot me a cocky smile. "A lunch without Kei is a good lunch indeed. Are you two hungry?"

"I'll pass," Kosuke answered.

"And I'm good. You can go grab some food and explore Vienna. Don't feel obligated to stay with us here."

I opened my book only to find myself snapped out of concentration when Hiwatari scooted closer to get a good look at what I was reading. Was this man this incapable of grasping the concept of personal space?

"I didn't think you were sadistic enough to read Austen in her original language."

I pouted. "That's a crude way to put it."

"Well, it is an older form of English. No amount of being fluent makes it any easier to read."

"Thanks for making me feel better," I grumbled.

Hiwatari only laughed. "Why so long? That was genuine comfort. And if you need me to explain anything, just ask me."

"You've read this before?"

"In college, yes. Now, for an important question: do I strike you as a Darcy or as an Elizabeth?"

Kosuke chuckled while I stared at Hiwatari in confusion. Only when it registered did I answer. "Elizabeth for sure. Kei, despite his personality, is probably in the same boat as Darcy. But, if I must be honest, I make the better Elizabeth, and you've always been such a Darcy."

From behind his books, Kosuke laughed again. And Hiwatari only shook his head. "Uncanny that, of all books, that's the one you're reading. Really."

Hiwatari left me and Kosuke to grab something to read, and Kosuke peeked over the books in front of him.

"Harada-san, sorry if I'm stepping over a line here, but it really did sound like you two were flirting."

Disgusted, I dog-eared my page and chucked the book at Kosuke, who managed to catch it. "Where exactly were you going with that?"

"Isn't the fact that you two get along so well so quickly something to think about?"

He disappeared, only for Hiwatari to reappear with a petite book in his hands. With a polite smile, he slipped into the seat next to me before reading.

I returned to the words before me, struggling to get through it myself in a vain testament that what was occurring here in Vienna was absolutely nothing.

/…\

5 PM. Dining table at the Harada mansion.

My parents were still at work while the staff was out for errands or taking an afternoon break. Daisuke and Riku were still at school for their extra-curricular activities, leaving me at the head of the table surrounded by notes and textbooks in a vain attempt to shoot for the University of Tokyo while Hiwatari sat next to me, somehow managing to keep his space clean despite my haphazard mess.

Even though I studied enough to know that I'd be attending the university the next town over with Riku and Daisuke, all of us promised to apply to several other places in the case that our plan somehow fell through or if we actually got into an esteemed institution. And me, being the ambitious, young lady I was with no grasp on the concept of limitations, was desperately cramming for the most esteemed university in Japan.

"I hate myself," I grumbled, trying to consolidate the mess before me.

"You're doing fine," Hiwatari told me. "You wouldn't be able to apply for Todai without the principal's recommendation, and he was more than happy to give it to you.

"Satoshi, people have literally planned their whole lives to attend Todai. I only decided to aim that ridiculously high because I so happened to start getting better grades that last year of middle school because of your help."

"Risa, please, have more faith in yourself. A lot of us believe that you can pass."

"I need you to tell me the truth," I begged. "Don't feed me your biased lies to encourage and comfort me."

He sighed, standing up and tidying my things. Somehow, he organized everything accordingly.

"Risa, look at me."

"I'd rather torture myself with the sight of these books than your face."

"Please, just go along with this."

I turned to face him, too irritated to be bothered with his closeness. "What?"

"Who am I?"

"My biased best friend."

"Jesus, Risa, could you—"

"Satoshi Hiwatari, genius extraordinaire."

"And you are?"

"An idiot." He glared at me, and I sighed. "Do I have to?"

"Maybe if you say it, it'll finally go through that stubborn head of yours."

"I'm Risa Harada, president of the broadcasting club, secretary of the Student Council, and currently rank one of all the third years."

"And you are also going to cram school for this. You're prepared for this. And, well, you have me. I'm here for you every step of the way."

He shot me a lopsided grin that angered me instead of its original intention. "As do Riku and Daisuke," I grumbled.

"Hm?"

"Do you say these things to Daisuke and Riku when you study with them, too?"

"Unlike you, they're not prone to theatrics. Why ask?"

"Satoshi, I'm tired of this! You spend almost every waking second with me, doting on me under the pretense of best friends in public and lover in private, when you don't even feel the same way that I do! Having to hide from everyone, forcing a relationship that's one-sided—it hurts!"

"Risa," he started calmly. "The stress is probably getting to you. Let's—"

"Stop changing the subject like that!" I screamed. "I can't help but think that maybe you do return my feelings genuinely when you act like that in broad daylight! At least I can fool myself at night, but—" I glanced at the clock and started packing up. "—all those rumors floating around really make me feel like something's there."

He just sat there in silence with his usually pallid skin more ashen than usual. "I'm…sorry."

I let out a dry laugh. "And that's all you can say because we can't really help this situation, can we? Me, falling for a guy who's incapable of liking me back." I zipped my bag up before slipping on my coat and adjusting my muffler. "God, I thought I knew better after Dark. I'm heading for the cram school now. Don't wait up for me."

Like Hiwatari said, it was probably the stress that caused that emotional outburst. But I really couldn't take it anymore. When we started, all of it was self-contained at night, and Hiwatari had the decency and self-control to treat me just like he treated Daisuke and Riku.

Honestly, it really was that ounce of wish-fulfilling hope that hurt more than the initial impossibility of it ever happening.

…

As usual, I found myself sitting next to Hiwatari at yet another restaurant that had more than one set of spoons and forks for each diner. Kosuke and Kei talked about Kei's work emergency, a last-minute office hour session with one of his students, before Kosuke talked about how productive his visit to the library was.

I didn't have much to say, probably because what Kosuke said earlier spooked me. Wasn't he also the one who urged me to just leave it be, too?

Well, like all the other nights before, I expected a mildly uncomfortable dinner that was heavily outweighed by the delicious food that washed away the toils of the day. I did not expect what had actually occurred. Nor was I even remotely prepared for it.

"Satoshi, please, I'm sorry." Kosuke started, pulling my attention from the food in front of me.

"Why should I listen to this?" Hiwatari asked, anger bubbling in his voice. "Can we drop it and enjoy the dinner?"

"No," Kei firmly answered. "You need to hear what we have to say."

Hiwatari pulled his silverware down, and an icy presence swept over our table. Kosuke looked uncomfortable from this sudden change in atmosphere, but Kei stayed firm and resolute.

"Okay, I'm ready to hear whatever bullshit excuses you have," Hiwatari stated.

I only gasped before briefly looking around to see if we had attracted the attention of the other patrons. They still seemed preoccupied, for now, but I knew no language barrier would be able to detract them if a full-fledged fight started.

Sure, I was glad that they were finally letting everything out, but this was neither the time nor the place to do so. And, considering that I really had no say in these conversations, I knew that me butting in would get me flak from someone, so all I could do was sit there and watch, with my front-row seat, the mess about to unfurl.

"I was the one that began talking to Kosuke." Kei started. "If you want me to direct your anger towards him, then direct it at me. If anything, I was the one who made him empathize with me; Kosuke did nothing wrong."

"How could you let yourself listen to him?" Hiwatari snarled. "If you had managed to—"

"Because I'm a father, and Kei's dilemma resonated with mine."

Hiwatari scoffed, and I could tell that he was going to say something, probably out of anger and spite to demean Kosuke's comment. Before he could, though, I kicked him under the table. He directed his glare towards me, which I returned equally without fear.

"Harada-san, should you really be butting in right now?"

"I am here for a reason, you know. You keep making a scene like this, and you'll get us kicked out, so I suggest that you cool it and listen to them."

He shook his head. "I thought you were on my side."

"I am, so return to that aloof Hiwatari with a rational mind instead of following in my footsteps and throwing a bitch fit."

Finding humor in this situation, Kei laughed. Maybe it was from my last statement, but it really wasn't the time. At least he was more composed than Hiwatari though if he was able to switch moods that quickly.

"Well, um, I was worried about what Daisuke would think about me when I returned suddenly after being absent for much of his childhood. And when he was so kind and accepting, I thought it was a dream come true. Until Dark had called me out on it, saying that Daisuke only acted that way because I was his father in name." Kosuke looked down at his hands, slightly wistful. "I worked hard to improve my relationship with my son and you. For Kei, it was best that he leave you, even if that ended up hurting you. He knew that staying would've strained you more, and hurting you once was better than hurting you each and every single day."

"Satoshi, I honestly don't expect you to forgive me," Kei stated. "If I were in your situation, I sure as hell wouldn't."

"If you knew I wouldn't, then why bother?" Hiwatari asked. His tone no longer had that furious edge to it; instead, it had one of genuine curiosity, with a calm matureness more akin to his personality than all of that shrill nonsense.

"Maybe a selfish wish of mine because when am I not selfish?" he chuckled briefly before a serious expression settled on his face again. "I thought that maybe it was time for you to hear my apology. After all, Harada-san had graciously accepted yours."

"Leave her out of this."

"Alas, I cannot." Kei smiled, a small, apologetic one, before turning to me. "Harada-san, I'm sorry to pull the rug from under you, but I know what happened between you and Hiwatari. It wasn't hard to piece together from what Kosuke had told me about you, and I apologize for bringing it up. If my assumption is wrong though, then please disregard what I'm about to say.

"I'm truly sorry for my son's behavior. Had I not done what I had, you never would've had to experience the lingering effects that it had on Satoshi. He probably couldn't help treating you like that, leaving you in that limbo to protect himself. It was vain and practically stupid, especially with that brain of his."

I kept blinking my eyes, trying to keep the tears threatening to spill at bay. This secret that I've kept from my friends, from even my family, that basically relied on the fact that Hiwatari and I had acted this close from even before it occurred, had just been exposed by someone who lived on the other side of the world. It was fine if people had had inkling and pondered upon it privately, but I was having trouble breathing at having that truth I desperately tried to hide flung right at me.

Hiwatari stiffened up beside, but I didn't—couldn't—see his expression. He probably had questions and a whole lot to say to that but knew better than to interrupt Kei, so he sat there twirling the end of his napkin.

"Satoshi, these words will sound like a lie, but I love you very much. Raising you with Kazama in that house, despite acting upon your mother's dying wish, were the most memorable years of my life. Despite Kazama's warnings, I fell into the clutches of greed from being surrounded by the Hikari works. I had done everything in my power to ensure that he wouldn't take custody of you once you returned to Japan, and I had kept him away from you. I had done everything to gain control of the artworks, to the point of manipulating you, and there are no words capable of expressing…everything. Even once I returned to my senses, I let the guilt eat me up, and I abandoned you." Kei had on that hurt smile, which might as well meant that he was crying. "Satoshi, I'm truly sorry for everything."

"…how did you get Uncle Kazama to help you?"

"I started seeing someone once I got here, and I had eventually come to understand the full weight of what I had done to you. And so, after Kazama visited me several times and talked to the Niwas, he said he'd help out. He'd be here now if it weren't for his work, actually."

"Why lie to get me here?"

"Would you have come if I were alive is the question?" Kei countered with a smile. "It was an under-handed method to get you over here, but it had done its job. At the expense of continuing to ruin our relationship, but I digress. Even if you may hate me, I'm glad to see that you're doing okay."

The waiter came by, switching our plates for the next course even though no one had touched their food. The heavy atmosphere weighed on us, despite Kei's light-hearted comment at the end.

"After tomorrow, you won't have to say a word to me ever again. And, after this week, you won't ever see or hear from me again if you so wish." Kei took up his silverware with a smile unfitting for the current mood. "Well, if no one has any objections, we should probably dig into the food."

Somehow, the adults started eating and talking as if this important conversation didn't just happen. Were they just better at dealing with situations like these because they were older and had more experience? Only the hunger growling in my stomach forced me to go through the motions, forcing me to seize my silverware with shaking hands that could barely do their job. I couldn't appreciate the delicious food since even chewing was a chore, and it felt so awkward even having anything in my mouth. The back of my throat had closed up, as if any word I wanted to utter would come out as an unfortunate squeak.

But Hiwatari. He didn't even move. He sat there completely still with his white as the table cloth. Even when the waiter came by, asking if he need more time with his food, Hiwatari stayed unresponsive.

It took the urging of Kei, despite Kosuke's efforts, to finally get him to eat the rest of food.

When dinner had ended, though, we had parted ways at Hiwatari's request. Kosuke and Kei headed back, leaving me with the key and address in case Hiwatari wanted to lose himself. But what about me? What if I wanted to lose myself too? What if I wanted to run off and scream somewhere instead of babysitting him?

Hiwatari didn't. Although he initially tried to shoo me away because he wanted some time alone, and I sure as hell would've left him alone to pass out in a pool of his own vomit in a dark alleyway if I weren't so duty-bound to make sure he was okay, he gave up after realizing that I was there to stay. Mumbling something under his breath, we walked until we reached a convenience store. I watched him buy a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, much to my surprise, before following him out.

"You're not going to ask why I'm smoking?" he asked bitingly. "Entertain me, please."

"…why?" I croaked, unable to even look at him or put up a fight.

"I do this when I'm stressed," he answered, lighting one. "It's a bad habit, but no one knows about it. Knew. Are you going to make me promise not to smoke, too?"

"Do what you want. If you want to die so early, even after everything that's happened, then be my fucking guest."

He let out a raspy laugh as we stood there, positioning himself in such a way to avoid getting the smoke on his clothes. I could still smell it from where I stood though, despite his best efforts to keep the smoke from drifting towards me, and I wondered how Hiwatari could still be so thoughtful despite everything.

So many trendsetters passed by us, somehow taken by Hiwatari. He waved to them with a small smile, and they swooned at this image so far-removed from the Hiwatari I knew. Sometimes, they would look at me, but I only looked down at my shoes, noting Hiwatari protectively inching towards me to dissuade them from doing anything else.

When he finished, he snubbed the cigarette with his foot before picking it up and throwing it into the trash. "Do I smell?" he asked, standing close to me.

"It's faint enough that they'll think we went to a bar, but I don't think they'll ask."

He nodded while I pulled up directions for Kei's apartment. Surprisingly, it was pretty far from where we were. Hiwatari looked over my shoulder at my phone.

"Do you want to hail a taxi?" he asked. "I personally would appreciate walking back, but I understand if you don't feel comfortable doing that."

"Then we'll walk." I decided, putting my phone away. "The fresh air would probably do me some good after everything."

"Tonight was something for sure," he stated, before humming along to a tune floating over to where we were standing.

"Unforgettable" might possibly be one of the most fitting and cruelest songs that could possibly be playing right now. But Hiwatari had tucked his hands into his pockets, walking in pace beside me even though I clearly didn't want him there. Just like old times…

Just like old times, huh?

Author's Note: I blame how busy I got last semester and this winter break from updating this much sooner, but I hope you enjoyed this super long chapter!