Something Beautiful

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Chapter 10: Miracle or monster?

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God, I had this planned for ages, and half-written. But I was never really sure if I got the right words. This here was almost the first thing I had done the moment I got back from the cinema, hell, even when we just had trailers and clips I had this one planned. That is why I had to change so much after I watched the movie again on blu ray. The scene before this chapter, with Bruce and Nat in the tower flirting and making promises came much later and started to become a real problem in terms of plot holes here. Sadly, a lot had to be deleted but the core stuff is still there. ^^

Thank you very much to all the reviewers who pushed me to continue writing. This one would not have been finished without you.

I had no beta for this one, so please, if you find mistakes, tell me and I'll update them.

The cover image for this chapter is my Cosplay re-creation of a page from the Black Widow comic in which Nat had a still-born child.

I love the soviet coat I made for this. Sadly I can't wear it casually in public.

The link is for deviantart. Add a point in between the fav and me.

fav me/daug48v

(or search for "Black Widow Cosplay Name of the Rose Marvel Comic by Mon-Kishu")

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Natasha sat outside on the bench looking over the garden and tried to find a way out of the numbness that was stopping her rational thoughts. So it was true. Her hand gently rested on her flat belly while her face lost all expression. This was wrong, it couldn't be, shouldn't. Not yet. Somewhere in between imagining what the child might look like and what possible complications could end it, Natasha tried to find a solution. It wasn't only the battle they were fighting right now, it was also her body. How could she be sure that her messed up physiology kept the child alive and nourished long enough to be born? And also, what would the child do to her? It was the Hulk's, not doubt there.

Her fingers started to claw into the catsuit while the face of a little girl with her hair and Bruce's warm eyes turned into something else, something brutal, angry and terrifying. The green color of her skin wasn't the only thing that made her... inhuman. It was Natasha's own past. How could someone like her have a normal child? The blood on her hands would be passed on, like a dark legacy. Tainting and branding her to become... what? An assassin? An uncontrollable monster?

How could she have been so stupid to believe in a happy family life with Bruce? It had only been a thought, a wish. Yet now, with the baby growing inside of her, she was frightened, terrified even. For the first time the Black Widow felt true fear and was unable to find a solution other than...

"Auntie Nat?" The curious smile of Lily disarmed all of the Black Widow's doubts for a second, a bittersweet, heart-breaking second.

"What's up, my honey?" Natasha tried to not show her inner turmoil.

"Does your belly hurt?" She asked innocently and pointed at the woman's hands still clawing into the catsuit.

"I just had too much to eat. Your mommy's cooking is just so good I couldn't stop." She hoped the Lily wouldn't hear the lie. She was old enough to have noticed the half eaten food on the Widow's plate.

"Okay. Will you come play with me as soon as you feel better? I want to show you my newest toy." Oh, the childish trust...

Natasha swallowed hard. "Later, sweety. Right now I need to talk to the team."

"Do you like that man with the curly, dark hair?" Lily pressed on.

At least the thoughts of a fairytale romance would keep the girl distracted. "You mean Bruce? Yeah, I like him. He is very generous, a gentleman and good with sciency stuff."

"He can heal your wounds when you get hurt and you can protect him with your skills. That is true love." She girl said with a wide grin that lacked a tooth.

The words had been innocent and from a childish viewpoint but they hit Natasha harder than expected. Holding back the tears the assassin got up quickly and, while fighting a new wave of nausea, nudged the girl back into the house.

"Bruce is in the upper bathroom." The girl announced as she pranced off, humming and giggling.

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A bathrobe hung in her temporary room but she decided to keep the catsuit on for the talk. She felt naked without it as a protection. She waited until the water was turned off, arranging her arguments. The insecurity and fear grew stronger every second. Maybe she shouldn't wait right by the door, maybe...

Before she could decide, or even flee, hot steam engulfed her as Bruce came out. "Oh, I didn't realize you were waiting."

Any cocky remark about joining him wouldn't leave her mouth, so she simply stared at his half naked form.

"Nat, everything okay?" The worried frown on his forehead grew worse.

Truth, he needed to know the truth. For once no sneaky lies, just plain reality in all its ugliness. "We need to talk."

"Alright. Let's go somewhere private." He had no clue of what the Black Widow was up to now. Bruce himself had just been able to conquer the raging beast inside of him, and all the Hulk had done in the past hours. The flashes of rage as soon as he looked into the mirror... But the self-loathing had to be put on hold for now that Natasha needed him.

Ironically he had chosen the children's room for the conversation... Natasha took a deep breath to center herself as she sat down on the bed, a dizziness overtaking again that was half stress, half nausea.

Bruce gave her the time he knew she needed right now. He wouldn't push her and tried to occupy his mind by looking around the room. Yet despite that his subconscious was whispering dark thoughts at him. Was she breaking up because of what happened in Johannesburg? No, Nat had not been shaken by the Hulk's doings. Had it been the dream trick this weird psycho girl had played on them? What could have been her most terrible fears?

Natasha followed Banner's movements as he walked over to the cradle, rocking it back and forth. Was he thinking about what she had said in the tower? God... she couldn't do this, not now... But it had to be. "I'm pregnant." She muttered weakly.

"What?" He wasn't sure if understood her correctly. "You're... with child? Our child?" That was the last thing Bruce had expected and he was so dumbfounded he couldn't muster a coherent reply.

Natasha looked at him as she nodded. A variety of emotions seemed to wreak havoc over his face. Disbelief, confusion, his typical analyzing expression as he put the pieces together, and then... Joy, clear and utter love for her – and the baby. The wonder and amazement. The Black Widow felt alienated from the situation. She didn't, maybe couldn't, feel the same. It wasn't anything she had been trained for. Her darkest side told her it was merely a minor hindrance for missions and had to be taken care of without remorse. But Natalia, the young girl with dreams and hopes for the happy family life she had never been given cried in agony at the thought.

He couldn't believe his luck. "That is... Oh my god. Nat! This is a miracle."

"You think?" She raised an eyebrow at him, not sharing his enthusiasm.

"What's wrong?" He didn't understand why she wasn't happy about the news.

"We are not ready yet." Natasha shook her head.

"Will we ever be?" Bruce's face was kind, offering support while he still kept distance, knowing that intimidating her in a moment like that was not a choice. "Natasha, our chance is now."

"What if I say no?" She asked, void of any emotion. Did he not see the danger in all of this?

He thought she was kidding. That the entire situation was just staged to see how he reacted. Despite knowing the Black Widow wouldn't lie to him about such a sensitive topic he played along and repeated her words from long ago. "I'll persuade you."

Natasha's mouth opened in shock at this before she got herself under control again, returning coldly. "In the middle of a battle, while the world is on stake? You want to have children?"

"It's not like that! None of this was planned. But life has offered us a chance." He decided to throw all fears overboard and took the last step towards her, hugging her tightly with one arm while the other gently caressed her stomach. "And there always will be battles. But we..."

Before he could even continue she pushed him away. "Why do you want this child so badly?"

"Why do you not want it?" he returned angrily. "It's a miracle it even exists. We may never be able to have such a chance again."

"I am not the mother type, I'm a spy." She clung to her only defense although it seemed futile after the revelation in the tower.

He was taken aback by this. "Seriously? Now you start with that? Hasn't Clint just proven to us that you can be both?"

"I'm not him! The Russians never trained me for that. I was made to kill, not to give birth. And I have made peace with the fact that what they took from me was the only thing that made me human." She didn't even realize that she was on the verge of crying before the first sobs came out.

"Natasha..." Of course she was frightened. This was big news. Once she had time process it she would share his delight.

"And now this fancy technology and your Hulk genes come along and..." She couldn't breathe anymore and averted her gaze, because she couldn't bear facing him. For decades it was all the same, all just one certainty, that she couldn't have a family.

"This is more than science! It is a miracle, something beautiful." The moment he spoke the words he felt them heavy and warm around his heart. Bruce was a man of equations as well as religion but this was something else entirely, and the perfect combination of both.

She gasped at his words, lifting her head while tears streamed down her cheeks. "During our last battle, I had this, um, dream."

"What did you dream?" What horrors did she see? Was it about…?

She touched her belly. "The Hulk's resilience and my blood lust. It will not only kill me but all that we hold dear. It was even worse than Ultron. It was... death. I am carrying death inside me, Bruce! And no sweet-talking about how we raise the baby with a sense of good and evil will change that."

"It's just been a dream, a nightmare. That won't happen." He assured her.

Her voice was dark from past events and foreboding as she replied. "None of my dreams came true, only the nightmares did."

"That's a lie and you know that. I think you're being too hard on yourself."

"Here I was hoping that was your job." Natasha chuckled slightly at that.

"You wanted to run with me. As far as I want." Bruce gently took her hand in his but saw the smile slipping from her face.

"It's a little bit more complicated now. You really want to know why I am against this so much? I'll tell you. I was pregnant once, before my... ceremony." This might be the only time she would be capable of sharing this. Not even Clint knew, nobody...

"What... happened to it? You lost it?" He could feel her shivering.

"No, not exactly. I carried the child almost to full term, felt it moving inside me, kicking me whenever I was scared. There I was, about to become a mother at the age of fifteen, who needed to be supported by her own child. I wanted my baby to be safe from those who could harm it. But the war was everywhere and our troop was attacked. Everyone was killed, even the father of my child. I fled into the woods. Didn't make it that far before the labor started. It was a beautiful girl with her father's smile. Although I... wouldn't know that. In fact she never smiled at all. I just wished she had. For hours I held her in the cold snow where I delivered, waiting for that first cry... I lost the capability to love in that night, so I volunteered for the Black Widow program. After that, for a long time, and even if it hurt, I was bizarrely happy with what the Red Room did to me. So that I would never feel such a loss again."

"I am sorry to hear that..." He tried to process these new facts. No wonder she was against this pregnancy so much. It held even more risks than her first. Bruce cleared his throat. "But you said 'for a long time'. What changed?" That could be a good starting point.

"Laura and Clint. But we are different... It's never gonna work." She buried her face in her hands, trying to hide.

"It is almost ironic..." He chuckled humorlessly.

"What is?" It was merely a whisper.

"Only a week ago you urged me to take another step, even after I fell back onto the ground. And now..." He breathed in deeply. "Now, it's my turn to help you up again."

Her voice was deadly sure. "There's no way I will get through this."

Bruce had a different opinion and his hope was clearly audible in his voice. "Science made it possible for you to get pregnant, it will also help you have a beautiful, healthy baby."

"And die." She didn't want to say it out loud, but he had to understand.

"What?" His hope was lit out like a candle flame in strong wind.

That guy was the Hulk. Couldn't he connect the dots? Especially as a doctor? "I saw it, Bruce, in the dream. This... this is the Hulk's child. Labor means stress and that will affect the baby. It will tear me apart, from the inside."

"It won't come to that." He retorted sternly.

"Easy to say for someone with his own anger issues. What will you do? Teach me Yoga? Doze me with something when the baby comes?" More anger than fear in her words. She felt sick, her stomach in knots and a dull pain pulsing in her abdomen.

He tried to sooth her. This wasn't something impossible. There were so many options of how to help her. "Avoiding stress for a start is good. And as soon as the child is ready we will perform a c-section under an epidural so you won't feel any pain that can cause distress."

"We're in the middle of a war against Ultron. And next week another catastrophe will happen." How could he not see the flaw in his plan?

"You won't participate in it." He stated as a matter of fact.

"Oh, yeah, it's as simple as that for you. Going the old-fashioned way." She pointed at the door. "What if they need me?!"

He took her hand in his and guided it back to her abdomen. "Our child needs you. This is a life you carry..."

"I won't have any more of that hopeful speeches. You won't talk me out of that." She felt anger tightening her chest. His resolve only fueled her anger and strengthened her decision against her own better judgment. This was her body, it was her choice. "Our child is merely a couple of cell, and when we act fast, it won't even feel anything..."

"You will not abort. You will not kill an innocent life." He couldn't believe she even considered this.

"You still think you're the only monster on the team?" she asked him, sarcasm bleeding from her voice.

"Natasha..." He tried to calm himself. He knew the Hulk was listening to her words, maybe not entirely understanding, but their emotions were locked, and he could feel the Other Guy's hatred towards this opinion. "Don't make me angry," he pressed out.

She threw her head back and laughed humorlessly. "Code Green is truly the last of my concerns right now. While this thing," she pointed at her stomach, "is probably flooding me with radiation and sucking the life out of me like a leech, before... before hulking its way out!"

Not even able to think about his own anger anymore, he saw her eyes changing into a green shade within a heartbeat. "Natasha... Oh god..." He could see her rage breaking out, only a second before she collapsed with a gasping cry of pain, her arms slung around her midsection.

"What...?" The Black Widow groaned in agony while she felt his hands pushing her flat on the ground as he tried to check on her, opening her jumpsuit to the waist. Her mind dizzy and full of pain and rage, she tried to fight him off, but couldn't muster the strength nor the coordination.

The moment he saw her belly swollen and... moving, he froze in fear. Natasha had been right. It was the Hulk's child, it was a monster.

"What is going on here?" Hawkeye, alarmed by the yelling, asked after he tore the door open, not caring about discretion in this case. "Oh shit." were his only words while he knelt next to the two of them, helping Banner to keep Natasha from lashing out. "What happened?" He asked again after the Black Widow had stopped struggling, her body still in pain, merely suffering and not fighting.

"The baby has transformed," Banner said, disbelief in his voice. The only way he saw was trying to calm Natasha, and with her also the baby, down again. So he gently caressed her cheek while whispering a few soft words to her.

"Hell, you mean...?" Clint stared at her belly. "But she can't be pregnant. She said, she wasn't!" The archer wasn't sure of how to deal with this new information, yet he knew it was all too real. He could see it, moving! "How can we help her? I mean, Tony warned us about this. We need to abort this child as quickly as..."

"We will not do that! We will find a way." His voice sounded desperate. The last part spoken with much more uncertainty than before.

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"Help! Please, help me!" The voice sounded so frail, so young…

Natasha's instincts kicked in. With all the strength she could muster, she tried to open her eyes, to sit up, to understand what was going on.

"They are hurting me. Please!" Again, so young, so innocent…

With a groan the Black Widow got up. Dizzy and without orientation or anything she recognized around her in the darkness she fixed her steps onto the source of the voice. "I'm coming. Where are you?"

"I'm here. Is there anybody there? Please, help me!" She was close now.

Natasha blinked for one moment and the next she was standing in front of a little girl, no older than five. "Hey, sweety." She hugged the child in a protective embrace. "Where does it hurt? What did they do?"

Innocent blue eyes looked up, the beautiful , somehow familiar face wet with tears. "They say I am a monster. That I must be destroyed. But I…" her voice was broken and filled with sobs. "I never wanted to do anything wrong. I tried so hard to be good. And I just wanted to live."

"Everything will be alright. I'll take care of you. Nobody will hurt you. I promise." Natasha swore as her heart broke at the words. Who would do this to such an innocent little child?

Instead of growing hope the girl showed confusion. "But you said..."

"I didn't say anything, sweety. I only just met you." She tried to assure her, gently caressing her soft curls.

"But..." She closed her eyes to think deeply. A familiar crease between her eyebrows.

Natasha felt her heart freezing when the realization dawned upon her. Then the child opened her eyes, a vivid shade of green burning deep into her soul. "Oh my god..."

"Why do you want to kill me?"

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I have a few issues right now.

Nat needs to survive the pregnancy. I have LOTS of ideas I often use in fanfics in different variations as you maybe know. But what would you say? Any inventive ideas?

Thank you so much for your support. If it weren't for a comment now and then that asked when the story would continue, I might have abandoned the fic. Just kick me in ass to get going for the next one XD It usually helps.