May
On May 2nd, they met for the third month in a row, this time at an open air coffee place a few blocks from Lapis's apartment. The air was thick with humidity, with the promise of a spring shower in the near-future.
By now, meeting like this seemed routine, yet today it felt...different.
Peridot indulged in a thick yogurt smoothie; not remotely healthy, of course, but delicious and filling, and a nice tonic against the hot weather. Lapis sipped furtively at a glass of orange-flavored tea, seeming distant, distracted and hostile.
They exchanged pleasantries and routine small talk. Peridot was enthused by her new friends in Jones Bluff, and couldn't stop talking about their jovial dorkishness. But Lapis didn't seem remotely interested.
"So, it's a book club," Lapis said, flatly. In a voice seemingly designed to deflate every tremor of joy within Peridot.
"Well, yeah!" Peridot said, trying to project her excitement. "It's a stupendous. Who would have thought that I'd ever find three reasonably like-minded individuals in Jones Bluff?"
"Hmm. Who would have thought that you'd read actual books?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean, graphic novels are your thing, right? Not, you know, novel novels?"
"Is that a dig?" Peridot asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Because I'll have you know that graphic novels..."
"No, not exactly..." Lapis interrupted, looking distractedly out the window. "I'm...happy for you. Really."
The hollowness of her comment struck Peridot through. She didn't know what to say.
A long, awkward minute passed without any further words. Peridot groaned uncomfortably, then decided to segue into another topic.
"So, I have another job interview coming up this week."
"Oh yeah?" Lapis's distracted tone indicated that she couldn't care less.
And that hurt. But Peridot pressed onward.
"Yeah. Garnet says there's a tech company in Beach City looking for communications specialists. Now, I didn't major in communications, but considering my background in writing, she thinks it's worth a shot."
"Beach City, huh? That would be cool."
"Better than Jones Bluff," Peridot said, smiling. "I mean, it's not much of a town, but living on the seashore would have its advantages."
"Definitely."
"Maybe you could even come visit me sometime."
"Hmm."
This wasn't working. Lapis still seemed glum and detached. And maybe a little resentful. Behind her smile, Peridot's eyes darted back and forth, visibly puzzling out how to proceed from here.
Stop talking about yourself, clod.
"Well, I'm...sorry for what happened to you at work," Peridot said, reaching out and grabbing Lapis's hand. "That was...so rotten. I can't believe people could be so mean to someone."
"Meh, that's just how it is with me," Lapis muttered, pretending she was fascinated by an older couple walking down the street, bickering about something asinine. She didn't even react to Peridot's touching her.
"Well, that's not how it should be," Peridot said, slowly withdrawing her hand.
"Life is awful," Lapis said, with a finality born of heavy experience. "That's just how it is. Every time you think all the pieces are back together..."
And she smashed her palm flat on the table, causing Peridot to jump from her seat.
"I thought you liked your job," Peridot ventured.
"I did," Lapis said. "Liked is past tense, Perry. I guess that didn't last."
"Sorry," Peridot shrugged helplessly. "Any new prospects?"
"No."
"Any interviews?"
Lapis just scoffed.
"So fatalistic," Peridot chided, still trying to lighten the tone.
"Well, it's not like I have much to be happy for," Lapis grumbled, swishing her tea around.
Finally, Peridot frowned. She felt a twinge of discomfort. A heavy drop of sweat fell down her forehead. She wiped it and hurriedly took a sip of her drink to cool down.
Her friend was right, of course; she had every reason to be upset, considering what had happened to her. But Lapis's pervasive pessimism was starting to wear her down. So Peridot groaned again and asked.
"Maybe...you could try being happy for me."
Lapis shot her a cold glare. Peridot nearly gagged on a thick gulp of smoothie as she realized, belatedly, how selfish she'd sounded.
Then it started to rain.
Part of Peridot didn't want to follow Lapis back to her place. Considering how their conversation had gone, she wondered why Lapis even invited her.
Tradition? Routine? Self-flagellation? Maybe Lapis planned to murder her and dissect her body for science? Or at least steal her kidneys and sell them on the Internet?
Peridot's dread grew more paranoid as they approached the apartment.
Okay, those extremes weren't likely, and how valuable could Peridot's kidneys be, any way? But still...Lapis was mad at her. Or at least, not happy to see her.
Yet that didn't make any sense to Peridot. Their meetings were pretty much the highlights of Peridot's life, any more. And she'd thought Lapis felt the same way...especially after their last night together.
Also, because she and Lapis had only spoken a few times since their last meeting. Maybe Lapis was just depressed over losing her job...or more the manner of losing her job. Something like that would be hard to just get over.
But what did Peridot have to do with that? Nothing. She hadn't even found out about it for a few days afterwards.
Well, maybe that was why. And the realization weighted down Peridot's stomach like a rock.
As they entered the apartment, Lapis bore a weary, resigned look on her face, as if she didn't have a choice but to invite Peridot in.
And that hurt, more than anything else Lapis had said or done so far.
"Want anything to drink?" Lapis asked.
"No thanks," Peridot said, sitting on the chair.
"Well..." Lapis didn't bother to finish the thought, and sat down next to her. There was silence and tension, both of them playing a game neither seemed interested in.
Finally, Peridot broke the silence:
"So...what are we doing?"
"I don't know," Lapis shrugged. "Isn't this enough?"
"Just...sitting here, ignoring each other?"
"Well...Do you have any better ideas?" Lapis challenged, flashing her an angry look. "I mean, I'm not really in the mood for fun tonight."
"Then why did you invite me over in the first place?" Peridot snapped.
"We arranged this date so long ago..." Lapis said, her voice cracking in disbelief at herself.
"Well, if you didn't want to see me, you could have just asked to cancel or reschedule," Peridot huffed. "I mean, I'm your friend. I know you've been going through some rough things..."
"No, you don't know," Lapis replied. "You think I'm some kinda wonder woman who's always happy and successful..."
"That's not true."
"Then why do you act like everything's okay!?"
Lapis didn't mean to shout, but the last word came out way louder than she intended. She was on her feet, trembling with rage, whether at Peridot or herself, her friend couldn't tell.
"What did I do?" Peridot wailed, waving her arms. Lapis recoiled from her in surprise.
"Look, I'm sorry for...whatever it is I did. I know that you've been through a rough patch, and that you can't help taking out your anger on someone. But why me?"
Peridot stood up and faced Lapis, then put a hand on her shoulder.
"Look...I'm trying to help. I'm your friend, Lazuli. I want you to feel better. I want to understand. Really! So, tell me. What did *I* do that's so wrong?"
Lapis fixed Peridot with a hateful glower, then violently pushed her arm away. Then she exploded in uncomprehending anger:
"You weren't there!"
And then ran into the bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Peridot followed after her, and heard the door lock and the air conditioner hum to life.
Then she sat back down in the chair, crumpling into a sad, confused lump.
Lapis buried her head in her pillow and screamed at the top of her lungs. Then she punched the bedspread, again and again, hoping that Peridot couldn't hear her.
That stupid little bitch! she thought. Why doesn't she get it!? How could she not know?
She laid face down on her bed for a long time, listening to the hum of the air conditioner and her own ragged breathing. She tried to calm herself, but rage and confusion and self-loathing battled within her skull. As usual.
She'd been there for Peridot. Why couldn't Peridot be there for her?
Why, at the worst moment in Lapis's life, when she needed a friend, did Peridot not answer her fucking phone?
She couldn't understand, even when Peridot told her what she'd been doing.
But the more she thought about it, the angrier she became at herself.
Because there was no way Peridot could have known. No reason she'd have had to expect the interview would be such a disaster. No reason she would have thought it couldn't wait.
No reason she would have thought that Lapis would have been so desperate...
Jasper flashed through her thoughts like a nightmare. And Lapis clenched her eyes shut and began punching her forehead with her fist, hoping to cast out the image left.
Of course I'm gonna drive away the one friend I still have, Lapis reasoned. Once I'm done here, I'll be lucky if I still have Jasper.
But this time, somehow, she managed to tamp down those thoughts before they overtook her.
Well, she's here now, Lapis reassured herself. She's here. Waiting for you.
That's what matters.
Lapis took another minute to compose herself. Closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, letting the rage drain from her body.
Then she took another breath and walked towards the door. Hoping Peridot would forgive her.
Peridot just sat there feeling...dejected.
Somehow, it hadn't occurred to her until just then that Lapis might have been calling to tell her what happened at work. And naturally, that made.
Of course she's mad at you, Peridot thought. You weren't there for her when she needed you the most.
All you add to do was answer your fucking phone...
But she was too shocked by Lapis's outburst to plunge into outright despair. She didn't feel sad or angry or confused, now that she knew why she'd done it.
She thought about sneaking out of the apartment, not thinking Lapis would notice or care. But she didn't even have the energy, just now, to do that.
Peridot just felt...numb. Empty.
Because all of this was her fault.
Just like everything else in her life.
She heard the bedroom door creak open, heard the soft padding of Lapis's bare feet, but didn't think to move. Instead she buried her head in her hands, bracing herself for whatever rage Lapis might throw her way.
Finally, she felt Lapis over her shoulder. And then she put a hand on Peridot's back.
Peridot looked up, slowly, still expecting to be greeted with a face filled with rage and resentment.
But instead, there was a smile.
A sad, wistful smile beneath red eyes brimming with tears. But a smile nonetheless.
Peridot felt a lump in her throat.
"Lazuli..." she managed to choke out.
Then Lapis leaned down and hugged her, crushing the little blonde in her arms. Peridot practically choked.
"I'm sorry," Lapis muttered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"No, Lapis," Peridot said softly, utterly baffled. "I'm the one who should be sorry..."
"It's not your fault," Lapis said. "None of this is your fault. It's just...it's all me. I'm sorry."
"It's not..." Peridot started again.
But Lapis knelt down next Peridot and buried her head in Peridot's shoulder, crying into her shirt.
Peridot was too shocked to move. Too stunned to do anything. Too tongue-tied and brain-teased to say something.
So she just patted Lapis on the head and hugged her close, allowing the girl to cry herself out.
"I'm here," Peridot assured her. "It's okay. I'm here."
After awhile, Lapis stopped crying and Peridot felt a little better. But the atmosphere remained thick with sadness.
They sat in the chairs again, not watching TV, not playing games, not even really talking just in each other's presence. What was there to say?
Then Lapis sniffled, and turned towards Peridot. Yet her expression remained sad, and she refused to make eye contact.
"I've been seeing Jasper again."
Peridot's heart sank.
"Ohh..."
"That night...I tried calling you so many times...Eventually I didn't know where else to turn...And she answered me..."
Lapis couldn't face Peridot as she admitted this. Her face burned with shame.
But it also made Peridot feel bad. Even worse than before.
Because the last thing Lapis needed in her life right now was...her.
"I know it's bad," Lapis apologized. "I know I should be stronger. But it's hard to be strong when you have nothing...And when you're alone...Sometimes, it just..."
Her apology sputtered into nothing. Peridot nodded and clasped her hand again, letting her know silently that she understood.
"That night...I don't know what would have happened..."
And Peridot felt a stab of guilt. She squeezed Lapis's hand, hard, and struggled to contain her own emotions.
"I never want to feel that way again."
Lapis turned her head, but Peridot still couldn't face her.
"I need someone to be there for me. I can't be alone when I'm...like that."
Her body shuddered, like a sob or a cry that didn't come out right. Her eyes watered.
"And I'm sorry, Peridot...I can't blame you for having a life outside of me. I want you to be happy. I do. But sometimes...it's hard enough just to be happy for myself...I can't always think of what's smart or what's right. Sometimes it's just a job to...stay alive."
Peridot felt stronger waves of guilt, this time tinged with resentment. Lapis's words felt almost like blackmail.
But she didn't have the heart to lash out, not any more. It was a struggle to think of something to say.
"Lapis Lazuli," Peridot began, staring down at the back of Lapis's hand, studying the fine black hairs and round, flat mole. So engrossed did she become that it took her a moment to remember what to say.
"Don't apologize for your feelings," she said. "Don't apologize for doing dumb things to make yourself feel better. I'd rather you...sleep with...Jasper" (she choked out the name with obvious distaste) "then...not be here. Obviously, that's not the optimal solution, but..."
Lapis snorted, which made Peridot feel a little better. She snickered softly before continuing.
"Trust me. I've been there. I've been...in the dark place. So many times. And it's not going anywhere."
She sighed. "I'm sorry if I've ever made you think that you're...that your feelings don't matter. Because they do. If I ever thought that you had it together, it's because...You do such a good job of hiding it."
Lapis smiled slightly, but said nothing. Peridot felt her mouth growing dry, but soldiered on.
"And because you're such an awesome woman, Lapis! Believe me. You're so smart, and you've done so much, had so many experiences that...I'm a little jealous of you. Honestly! Because...I have baggage. But I've never accomplished anything. I'm a loser. A failure. I've never held down a job that a monkey couldn't do. You at least have been able to do something that you wanted to do, and..."
And she stopped herself from going too far down this road, realizing it might backfire.
"And I just want to help. Maybe you're as messed up as me. Maybe we're both messed up. But...that's what friends are for. We can both be messed up, and still enjoy each other's company. Maybe...we can be messed up together."
She didn't know what more to say. Lapis still wasn't saying anything, staring thoughtfully at the window.
"Say something," Peridot muttered. "Please."
Lapis's lip trembled; she bit down on it, trying to steady herself. Then she muttered something.
"Peridot...you don't have anything to be jealous about. And...I appreciate your encouragement. I just...Please don't think of me that way. Like I'm some kind of...I'm not a success. I'm weak and flawed and just lost my job. If that's being successful, I'd hate to see myself fail."
"Then we're in the same boat," Peridot said, an uncomfortable half-smile on her face.
Somehow this made Lapis break into laughter. Uncontrollable laughter.
"Sorry...it's just...your face was just..." And she doubled over in laughter.
Peridot blushed, but felt better at the same time.
"Anyway..." she said, a little annoyed. "Okay, I promise that I won't, like, put you on a pedestal any more. You can be sad and angry and have feelings...that's fine. If I can do it...Well, bad example. But I won't think less of you for it. Just, promise me one thing."
Lapis looked askance. "What's that?"
"Don't call yourself weak." Peridot's eyes grew steely serious. "You are not weak. If you were weak, you would have...you would still be here. You wouldn't be talking with me right now. You wouldn't have spent two-and-a-half decades on this miserable mudball of a planet suffering everything you've suffered without...Anyway..."
She heard Lapis gasp. And looked down.
To Peridot's mortification, her sleeve had ridden up, revealing a deep, ugly scar on her wrist.
Lapis's mouth dropped open. And Peridot felt like crying.
"Anyway..." She said, voice trembling. "Let's just agree to treat each other like...people. People who have something in common. Whatever's going on, we should...always have each other."
She swallowed her sadness, turned, and looked Lapis in the eye.
"You don't have to be alone. And neither do I...I hope."
That last note of hesitation drew another smile from Lapis's face. A sparkle in her royal blue eyes that made Peridot shiver.
"You don't," Lapis assured her.
And those two words meant so much to Peridot. She felt her heart aflame...felt the feeling that she'd tried so hard to fight welling up within her again.
Lapis Lazuli, I love you, she thought. But she couldn't make herself say the words out loud.
"And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you," she added. "I'll try...not to let that happen again."
Lapis smiled and nodded. Then, after a pause, she said.
"And...I'll try not to make you think that you're...that you owe me anything more than being my friend. I promise."
Peridot looked away, feeling the angst flutter off her chest. Looked over at Lapis looking, if not happy, then content and satisfied that they'd reconnected.
And she was still beautiful. Don't forget that.
Then Peridot looked down and let out a quiet gasp. Lapis's eyes followed her down, but she didn't audibly react.
They were still holding hands.