Title: Of Hats, and Sexin', and Math, Oh My!

Prompt by: based on artwork by raven_40

Rating: PG-13

Setting: post-BDM

Word Count: 1260

Jayne hadn't known when it started, hadn't been aware of her mind probing inside o' his and taking out thoughts she never oughta seen. Sure'n if he had he mighta done something about it sooner, but nobody was ready for this, nobody ever could be.

Serenity was set to auto-pilot, somethin' that didn't sit so well with the Captain, which was why he found himself taking the Pilot's seat his ownself and flying awhile. He wanted River called to order and yet when he got on the comms to his Lil 'Tross, she didn't answer from nowhere.

"Anybody seen my pilot anywhere abouts?" he asked, broadcasting throughout the ship still, but all he got was negative responses from each and everyone o' his crew, "Then can we all have a look around, see if we can spot the girl since I'm up here piloting my ownself when I'm paying her to do that very same ruttin' thing!" he yelled as if he were mad - he wasn't really.

"Need to get us a gorram new Pilot" muttered Jayne, "if'n this one can't be trusted to..." he stopped short of finishing his sentence as he wandered into the galley and found the very young woman everybody was looking for.

"There is her Man called Jayne," River smiled widely. "Her darling betrothed," she beamed, as the merc's mouth dropped open wide.

"I'm ya what now, ya feng le little witch?" he asked, both shocked and annoyed. "And what in the gorram hell you doin' with my hat?" he demanded to know.

"Married couples share," she said with a steely gaze, just as Simon appeared behind her.

"Doc, ya been messin' with Moony's meds again?" asked Jayne, looking past the girl sporting his cunning hat to the Doctor behind.

"No, why do... ask?" the question Simon meant to ask became disjointed as his sister turned to face him, showing that him the full ensemble that she wore including a T-Shirt with hand-written letters that stated 'Mrs Cobb'.

His mouth dropped open wide as he worked his jaw, completely baffled and beyond stuck for words to say. He was saved from having to say anything when suddenly River's attention was taken by Kaylee and Zoe approaching.

"What's goin' on?" asked the mechanic in all innocence, rushing in past Jayne towards River, only to be met by a pair of knitting needles that almost went straight up her nose.

"Jayne-man is hers and hers alone!" she declared angrily, her arm extended with needles pointing at both Kaylee and Zoe.

"We sure as anythin' don't want to take Jayne away, little one, that I can promise ya," said the Captain's second, though he was stood by the merc still and he looked sideways at her when she slighted him in such a way.

"Hands off my man, bitches!" River raved, much to the shock of the rest of the crew.

"River!" her brother gasped, "How can you act this way...?"

"She knows what she wants and what she must do to get it," the young woman insisted, eyes flashing angrily as she looked to Simon once again. "Captain rules that wedlock only shall lead to the notions he conjures becoming flesh."

"Wedlock?" echoed Kaylee, looking from River's face to her 'Mrs Cobb' T-shirt and then behind her.

"You been makin' proposals to the girl, Jayne?" asked Zoe, her eyes following a similar path.

"Nah, like I would!" he protested, only his brain was mostly still working on unscrambling the rest o' what the crazy little woman had been sayin', an awful feelin' settling in the pit of his stomach just when he started to figure it out. "Gao yang jong duh goo yang!" he cursed to himself, though in the now-quiet room everybody heard anyway.

"Now he comprehends her," smiled River, not a sweet innocent girlish grin, but a sexually-charged smile of a woman with all kinds of dirty thoughts on her mind. "Sees his pictures match her own, they desire the same things, but only wedded bliss shall do for Captain Daddy to bless them."

"Mei mei, in Gods name," said Simon, his hand going to his forehead. "Please tell me you're not suggesting marrying Jayne and... and..."

"Sexin' with him," Kaylee helpfully supplied, as the doctor turned a shade of green.

Jayne didn't hear a word, all he knew was the blood rushin' in his ears, and a memory swirling up from hours before when they was passin' through the cargo bay...

Several Hours Earlier...

Jayne and Mal finished stashing away their latest haul, having been paying no mind to who ever else might be there. It was only when they turned around to leave that they noticed River, high up on the catwalk railings, one leg balanced on each side in the splits, perfectly balanced.

It occurred to Jayne that walking underneath might afford him a view never seen of the girl who had fast become a young woman of late. Sure'n what he could see of her long legs was doin' things to him she had no business doing, but that kinda thing seemed to be happenin' a lot lately where Moony was concerned.

When she danced or fought or stretched or ate a certain way, all of it was makin' Jayne ache in all kinds of places of late. Maybe it was 'cause he hadn't had a whore in a good long while, or maybe River was just becoming the kinda woman to capture Jayne's attention.

"Hey!" Mal's sharp tone and the smack he delivered across the merc's shoulder caught his attention in a second, "You start makin' eyes at my Albatross like that, you best be plannin' a wedding, dong ma?" he said with s serious look. "Ain't no man touchin' her otherwise," he told him definitely before striding off to the engine room to seek out Kaylee.

"I'll be in m' bunk," Jayne muttered as he too walked away.

Back to the present...

Both men had left the cargo bay in opposite directions without a notion that River knew exactly what their conversation entailed, but this proved she had heard or maybe seen what had been in Jayne's mind then. He might be ashamed of himself, if'n it weren't for the fact the River-girl seemed to like the ideas he'd had dancing in his head, however filthy they seemed.

"She will be Mrs Cobb," she told the assembled crew definitely. "Nobody will change her mind."

"I ain't for tryin'," Kaylee replied, her hands raised in some kind of mock-surrender.

Though Zoe and Simon both might've tried to explain why this was a bad idea, both were extremely aware of River's ability to kill them both with her pinky finger if not her brain just as soon as they argued.

"Good, settled then," she smiled, moving to grab a startled Jayne's hand and making to drag him towards the bridge. "Captain Daddy can perform a ceremony, and then she will show him what she hides beneath her skirt... and he can show her how it is possible for two people to bend in such a fashion as he pictures," she continued with a slightly confused expression. "She likes the idea well enough, but the math doesn't allow for the angles..."

Jayne dumbly followed his future Mrs Cobb. Sure'n he'd be much dumber to argue with the assassin who was dead-set on fornicatin' with him, than to just accept the deal!

"What just happened here?" he vaguely heard Simon ask from the galley door, and not a person could entirely explain.

The End