Chapter 10

June

"Stabler! My office, now!"

Elliot sighed and stood up lazily from his seat. He sauntered over to Cragen's office and closed the door behind him. "Yes."

"I just received another call from yet another defense attorney saying that you beat up their client."

"And you believed them?"

"Yes, Elliot. When it's the third call in just this week, yes, I believe them. Now, if this keeps up I'm going to have 1PP all over my ass and I don't know what to do with you."

"Do what you please."

"Excuse me? Do you want to lose your job?"

"Well, I don't know what you want me to do."

"Apologize."

"I am not apologizing for anything. Those assholes deserve what they got."

"Not when they're innocent. The guy you just gave a black eye? His alibi just checked out."

"So."

"You need to apologize or I don't know if I'm going to be able to save your job."

"Well then I guess I should start looking."

"Elliot, do you understand what I'm saying. You can lose your job. Your job and your pension."

"Tell 1PP to keep it," he said standing.

Cragen quickly moved from around his desk and cut him off before he could reach the door. "Elliot, what's wrong with you?"

He took in his detective's disheveled appearance. His eyes bloodshot, as they had been for the past two weeks. He figured the baby was giving them a run for their money, because Elliot no longer wore ironed suits and pressed shirts. They looked like crumpled messes that he pulled out of the dryer before coming to work. He hadn't seen him in a tie either, and those were the days that he even bothered in wearing suits. He had been tired and irritable. What didn't make sense was his temper was shorter than ever, he wanted to contribute that to the obvious lack of sleep, but that didn't explain the new weight loss and the extra time in the gym.

"Go home. Spend time with your daughter."

"Can't they're out of town."

"Olivia went out of town? I just talked to her the other day she didn't say anything about…"

"Oh. Her," he said as if he had forgotten that Olivia had given birth to his fifth child only three weeks ago.

"Elliot. When was the last time you saw your daughter, Kayla."

He didn't answer. "Elliot, something's wrong with you and I'm not really all that sure what. So this is what I'm going to do. Take the rest of the week off and see your kid, and pay a little visit to Huang. He'll be expecting you. You're not allowed back until he clears you."

************************

He sat and starred at the bottle in front of him and the shot beside it. Both had been sitting there, taunting him, intimidating him. He hadn't had a drink in forever. Nine months to be exact. Not when it had caused him to lose the one woman that had become his world. He vowed the night he left her apartment, after they had broken up, that he would never drink again. Not until he had gotten her back as rightfully his. He had yet to do that, and so he had yet to take a drink.

But he wanted to so bad, like he had many nights before. Finn slid in beside him and took his beer.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome," he said void of emotion.

"So you wanna tell me what crawled up your ass and died?"

"Not really."

"Well you better tell me anyway. 'Cause I don't give a shit what you want."

"I miss my daughter."

"Who, Kayla?"

"Yea."

"Then why don't you go and see her?"

"Because I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I can't get close."

"Why?"

"Because if I do… When I do she's going to take her from me, and I can't handle that."

"Elliot, you don't know that for sure."

"It happened with her. I was in love with her. I am still in fucking love with her, and I can't be with her."

"You know we were all pissed at you for that."

"No kidding."

"What happened.?"

"I don't know. I had dinner with Kathy and the kids, next thing I know it's the next day and I'm waking up in bed beside her. I never meant for anything to happen."

"Well it did and it's time that you not only own up to it, but also accept it. You cheated on her. You hurt her. Y-"

"You don't think I know that. Yes I hurt her, and now I'm hurting because of it. I'm afraid to get to know my own daughter. My own daughter, because I'm afraid that once I do it won't be enough. Seeing her every other weekend and spending a few hours a day with her will not. Be. Enough. And what if she meets someone and moves away. I'll never see her. What if she doesn't want me to-"

"And what if she just wants you to get to know your daughter. What if she doesn't plan on moving away and taking her away from you. What if she just wants you to be a decent father to her child and for you guys to rebuild whatever you have left of your relationship. Look, I wasn't the greatest father to my son, and now I'm trying to fix that. You have a chance to fix all the damage you've done by being a father to your daughter. Now here's what you're going to do. Either you drink that shot and spend the rest of the night drinking yourself into oblivion. Or you get up off your self-deprecating ass and go see your kid. I'm done here," he said standing. "And thanks for the drink."

Elliot watched the man walk out of the bar then stared back at the shot in front of him. To drink? Or not to drink?