Disclaimer: Namco owns Soul Calibur. Assorted cameos in this chapter from characters owned by Capcom, Square-Enix, and Marvel.

The latter events of the chapter, with Setsuka's actions, are a blatant spoof, the source of which any RPG gamer worth their salt should recognize. Said game is the property of Square-Enix.

That should about cover it.

Chapter Ten: Not As Cunning A Plan As Advertised

Klawk, the god of chronology, sighed in frustration and drummed his fingers on his desk. "I can't believe this," he moaned. "They broke the time-space continuum again? What are these idiots thinking?" He pushed the intercom button. "Tech support!"

The door to his divine office opened, causing Klawk to sigh in relief and look up to greet his technician. "Who'd they send this time?"

"It's Jesus, LOL," said Jesus. "What's the problem?"

Cervantes knew, at this point, that he was floating in some kind of bizarre mishmash of time and space due to Zasalamel's injudicious use of flashbacks, but he had no idea where he was, nor where the others had gotten off to. All that was evident at the time was that he was somewhere that looked like the love child of the Hung Lo Shrine and deep space, floating upside down in zero gravity.

"It's the Improbability Drive that's the source of this whole mess, you know."

The voice was coming from behind him. Cervantes spun around, or rather worked his way to an about-face as much as one can when weightless, and beheld the seemingly-omnipotent cube floating in the air in front of him, accompanied by a man in a robe and a coolie hat. He looked strangely familiar.

It was with great shock that Cervantes recognized him. "Li Long! You're alive?"

The time/space continuum has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.

If the problem persists, contact your system administrator and report the error.

"And so it keeps displaying this error message over and over."

"Did you try turning it on and off a couple times?" asked Jesus.

The god of chronology sighed in frustration. "No, that would kill every living thing in existence, and we can't have that quite yet. You think there's some kind of bug in the CPU, or dust in the processor, or something?"

Jesus examined the universe's source code carefully, and concluded "You know, I think it might actually just be a system error."

"Kinda sorta," Li Long said as he picked up the Improbability Drive out of the air. "After you killed me in Soul Edge, Zasalamel came along and caught my soul in the Improbability Drive. I've been here ever since."

"Wait," said Cervantes, raising an eyebrow. "Are you saying we're inside the Improbability Drive?"

"Are we?" asked Li, "Or are we not? Are we just floating around inside the collective soup of human consciousness, a complex of our own devising brought together by the human race's thoughts, emotions, and experiences? Causality! Vis-à-vis! ERGO!"

"You're being needlessly cryptic."

"OK, you're right. We're inside the Improbability Drive."

Cervantes looked around him at the swirling vortex of spatial distortion. "So why did Zasalamel put you in here?"

"He needs us." Li let go of the Drive-within-a-Drive and folded his arms. "Ever since he created the Improbability Drive, he traversed the earth over his many lives, capturing the souls of those of us who fall in battle, and placing them in his creation. There are thousands of us in here."

"Millions. He's got enough of us to make this thing do whatever he wants," observed General Leo as he floated by in the background.

"When the psychokinetic energy we provide reacts with the glory of Long Wang's coming, the Improbability Drive will be powered and ready to use," said the eighteen split forms of Charlie Nash, merging and disassociating over and over.

"With great power comes great responsibility!" declared Uncle Ben, shortly before retreating under the now-less-than-Euclidean Altar of Long Wang.

"So you see," Li Long continued, "the Improbability Drive is the real problem here."

Cervantes mused on this for a minute. He was not normally a deep thinker, but was this the kind of situation that would require more brains than brawn?

Nah. "All right! How do I kick its ass?"

"It's not that simple. I fear that there is a greater subterfuge at work than just Zasalamel. Something is going on deeper than simply the cunning plan. You must be wary of---"

Jesus pressed another button on the keyboard. "There we go. The system restore should have everything good as new."

"Thanks, Jesus," said Klawk. "You're a lifesaver."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

As Zasalamel stood back up on the platform, he brushed the dust off his cloak and robe, looking around for his trusty scythe. It was on the other side of the raised altar, and he picked it up and used it to push the Maltese Ringworm back into place before climbing up.

"Okay," he said, tentatively looking about, "is everybody all right?"

A quick sweep of the shrine revealed that they all seemed to be intact. Cervantes was roaring something about the world rebooting before Li Long could tell him something…wait, wasn't Li Long dead? Zasalamel couldn't remember. Yoshimitsu and Maxi were holding him back, while Siegfried wailed in the background about abstraction making nonexistence and his past sins not entirely dissimilar and Mitsurugi threatened to gouge out his eyes. Meanwhile, Setsuka was looking dazed on the end of the altar, and he could swear she was rummaging through her kimono for something.

All right. Present and accounted for. Back to the cunning plan. "SILENCE!"

Everybody turned and looked up at him as he held the Improbability Drive high; a portal was already starting to form above his head. "You fools!" howled Zasalamel. "My cunning plan is coming to its climax, and soon this world will be at the mercy of the mighty Zasalamel!"

"We've got to stop him!" gasped Maxi. "Long Wang will be here any second—"

It was too late. The portal suddenly widened as a massive form thrust itself out through the dimensional fabric. It was a serpentine dragon, peach in hue and pissed-off in temperament. The beast's oddly spade-shaped head stretched towards the sky and roared, spewing out a gout of flame that was so hot it was a pure shade of white. His two stubby legs, arcs from the bottom of his length, emerged last from the portal and grasped it to hold him in place as the mighty dragon leaned down and peered into Hung Lo Shrine. The shrine itself had actually lifted off the ground from the sheer energy produced by the summoning, and was floating ten thousand feet in the air, which made this the single most phallic monument anyone in China had ever seen.

"I," roared the dragon, "AM LONG WANG, KING OF DRAGONS. WHO HAS SUMMONED ME?"

A puddle began to form from under the joints in Siegfried's leg armor.

"I have summoned you, mighty Long Wang!" Zasalamel shouted, although his shout was a bit tinny next to a roar that had shaken the entire Hung Lo Shrine and nearly knocked Yoshimitsu over. "The aura of power that emanates from you is necessary to activate my Improbability Drive, and I need you to breathe on it!"

"VERY WELL THEN," roared Long Wang, who wasn't actually all that angry, but can't do much other than roar when he talks. "HOLD IT UP AND I SHALL DO SO."

Zasalamel grinned as he hoisted the Improbability Drive upright, and Long Wang began to take in a mighty lungful of air so he could use his fire breath. The grand schemer knew that his device would absorb the destructive force of the dragon king's breath…but as Long Wang continued to breathe in, Zasalamel couldn't help but have a few doubts.

For one, the Improbability Drive wasn't glowing, like it should be. And for another…

"Looking a little concerned there…'Zassy-chan'."

Setsuka had a silver cube that looked just like his. The only difference was, hers was glowing.

Oh, shit. OHHHHHHH, SHIT.

It was pouring rain outside the studio, but Tira finally managed to catch up to Nightmare on the street corner. "Nightmare!" she called, but he just walked on. "Niiiightmaaaare!"

After a second of fruitless calling, she stormed in front of him. "Don't you ignore me, you prima donna!" Tira snapped. "Look here, I'm trying to be concerned for your well-being, and you just go marching on in the rain, full of angst and douchery! What kind of a way is that to treat your friends, or your bandmates, or anyone, for that matter?"

"Eh?' asked Nightmare. "You were calling me?"

It was then that she realized he hadn't been ignoring her. It was just that the rain was playing the drum solo from "En-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" on his helmet and making it basically impossible for him to hear her from that distance.

"….Oh," Tira said, somewhat sheepishly. "Well, regardless, we need to talk."

"S-Setsuka?" stammered Zasalamel. "What are you doing?"

His "henchman" sneered in response. "Isn't it obvious, Zas? I'm taking over."

"What's with the sudden coherency? No 'hakama iron chef katamari wa, Zassy-chan' or anything?"

Setsuka took a couple steps closer, putting herself in the path of Long Wang's breath as well. "Yes, that's what you'd expect, isn't it," she mused. "Such a pity you bought into my act hook, line, and sinker; I thought the great Zasalamel might be less of a gullible fool."

"Act?"

"That's right," Setsuka grinned. "All the while that you thought you were in charge, I've been pulling the strings, making sure your idiotic 'cunning plan' came together so that I could reap the fruits of our labor---no, my labor, seeing as how I'm the one who did all the work in the first place. And now it will all be mine. Long Wang will power up my ultimate weapon, and you will be incinerated along with the fake Improbability Drive I gave you."

Zasalamel would've sputtered with rage, if he hadn't noticed that Long Wang had just finished breathing in. His eyes went wide with horror. "No…Setsuka, wait, let's talk about this…I wasn't just going to use you and throw you away, you know me better than that…"

"Zas, you know as well as I do that's bullshit." She stepped up into the center of the altar, holding the real Improbability Drive high for the dragon's breath. "You never gave a damn about me outside of how I looked and how willing I was to perform menial tasks."

"You can't do this! I'm supposed to be the mastermind of the cunning plan!"

Setsuka opened her parasol to shield herself from the falling ash, and smiled. "Yeah, well, I guess you didn't think your cunning plan all the way through. Ja ne, motherfucker."

And so Long Wang spewed forth a mighty eruption of white flame that swept over the altar, blowing the heroes over onto their backs from the force of the king of dragons' breath. Setsuka stood throughout the entire blast, Improbability Drive held aloft like she was some kind of treacherous Statue of Liberty. When it cleared, her cube glowed like a neon building block, and Zasalamel was nowhere to be seen.

Cervantes was the first to stand, and he shook his fist at Setsuka. "You treacherous, landlubbing, hornswoggling, lollygagging, lily-livered, panty-waisted, scurvy-ridden, bilge-swilling, plank-walking wench! Put that Improbability Drive down this instant!"

"Why?" snapped Setsuka. "I outsmarted Zasalamel, so I earned it. It's mine."

"Because it's dangerous. And unethical. That thing could alter reality as we know it!"

"So is that supposed to mean that just because it could be dangerous, I can't use it? Are you trying to impede the scientific progress of society?"

"Look, woman," snarled a flustered Cervantes, "what's with all the counter-questions? I didn't expect a friggin' Spanish Inquisition—"

KABOOM. The entire west wall of the Hung Lo Shrine exploded, turning into fragments that scattered out over the countryside miles below, as an armada in red robes stormed through with their swords and crossbows.

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" shrieked Cassandra.

"Oh, god, not you people." Setsuka glared. "Couldn't you and the vampire have kept each other distracted a little longer?"

"I'm right here," huffed Raphael, who was being held at bayonet and crossbow-point by Inquisition troops. Talim was next to him, straitjacketed, cuffed, and gagged so she couldn't get loose and devour the organs of any more soldiers (the first incident had been enough to sway them towards this decision). "You needn't talk about me as if I'm not around, you boor."

"Mmmphmmmmph!" snarled Talim.

"Silence!" yelled Cervantes. "Now is not the time for your tomfoolery!"

"Silence!" yelled Cassandra. "The likes of you cannot dictate policy to the Spanish Inquisition!"

"Silence!" yelled Mitsurugi. "Your high-pitched, grating voices anger me!"

"Silence!" yelled Raphael. "Mere mortals are not fit to speak in the presence of a Nosferatu!"

"Silence!" yelled Setsuka. "I am the one with the Improbability Drive, and therefore I am in control of the situation!"

"SILENCE!" roared Long Wang.

There was silence.

"I HAVE ABOUT HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU PEOPLE ARGUING. IF I AM FINISHED PERFORMING MY TASK, I SHALL LEAVE---"

"Not so fast, Long Wang!" Setsuka cried, brandishing the Improbability Drive. "You shall destroy these fools for me, on the pain of certain death!"

"HO HO HO HO HO," rumbled the dragon king. "ONE SUCH AS YOU CANNOT THREATEN ME WITH VIOLENCE. WHAT COULD YOU DO?"

"Uh, Long Wang," began Yoshimitsu, "perhaps this isn't such a wise idea…"

A gleam came over Setsuka's eyes as she held up the cube, which was now shining fiercely. "Allow me to introduce you," and here she smiled triumphantly, "to the Improbability Meltdown."

"Look," Tira began, "it's not that I don't like your music, all right? I just want to put together the best material we can for the show at the Lakeside. Because…well, because I want the best for us. For you, especially, because somebody as special as you deserves it."

Nightmare was taken aback. "You mean…"

"Mmhmm. So what do you say we go back to the studio and get back to work?"

"I think," Nightmare said as he leaned in close, "that I have a better idea."

And then they kissed. Never mind that it was thirty degrees out and the rain was absolutely pouring, or that Nightmare was wearing a full-plate metal visor over his mouth, they KISSED, goddammit. And all was well at that second.

The next second, a wave of pure improbability swept over the entire city with a thundrous WHOOSH.

Kilik took his attention away from his kata for a second to look up at the horizon. "Hey, Xianghua?" he called.

"Yes?"

"Is it just me, or is the sunrise moving particularly fast tod—"

WHOOSH.

"Well, that was marvelous," panted Ivy, lighting up a cigarette. "Pumpkin, we've really got to try that more often."

Voldo didn't respond. He was too worn out, and besides, he wasn't supposed to speak to her unless spoken to.

"Oh, bloody hell," Ivy continued. "Did you see where I put my riding crop, because I don't want to have to go out and buy another one; those things are expensive, and we're not even using them the way they're supposed to—"

WHOOSH.

Olcadan climbed out of the water and stood up on the docks. He shook his feathers off, which sent water splattering over the wooden boards of the pier, and grinned. Wow, what a swim that had been.

WHOOSH.

Wait a minute, something wasn't right…He peered over the side of the dock and caught a glimpse of his head. It was normal again! He was human!

"The curse is broken!" Olcadan rejoiced, dancing all over the pier. "I'm human again!"

WHOOSH.

"Oh, son of a bitch."

A couple things, since this chapter is pretty important. First and foremost, fans of any characters involved, don't get upset and stop reading. Nobody is dead (that includes Zasalamel) except Necrid, and nobody like Necrid anyway. However, the world HAS been altered rather drastically as the result of Setsuka's Kefka-ish actions, and they're going to have to find a way to restore it back to normal.

The beginning of which is in the next chapter. Kilik, Xianghua, Mitsurugi, and Siegfried wake up in Luxembourg with a familiar face and one big, animal-head-wearing barbarian with an even bigger bludgeoning object in Chapter Eleven: "Please, Hammer, Don't Hurt Em"!