Chapter 10 - He Said...She Said

The monitor flickered as her media player came up. Her heart was thudding in her chest and suddenly the baby was determined to play a rousing game of soccer in her stomach. She guessed they were both nervous.

She gasped; her breath caught in her throat as his image filled the screen. On reflex she hit the stop button and stared at his face, unmoving on the screen. She wasn't prepared for how this would feel. She hadn't seen his face in over three months, at least not outside of her dreams. Seeing it now, as close to in person as she was sure to get for a while caused a flood of feelings to rush in at her. She leaned in at the screen and her hand went to her stomach as the baby gave a hard kick. It was like he knew who that was up on the screen.

"Yep, little one, that's your daddy."

He was wearing her favorite shirt and his hair was doing that spikey thing she liked. He looked so handsome, but what broke her heart was how sad he looked. She reached out and clicked the mouse on the play button, steeling herself for whatever he might say.

"Hey Sam." He looked suddenly nervous, and confused. "I had a whole list of things I was going to say to you. They were pretty good too…I think. But now I can't remember any of it. So I'm just going to tell you what's in my heart. You're probably wondering how I found you. Let's just say you aren't the only one who can use illegal means to get what they want. Like you always say…I know a guy." She laughed out loud. Freddie had done something illegal – she was sort of proud. "It's been hard since you left. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. I know that you left for a reason and as much as I want to hop on the next plane out of Seattle, come get you and bring you back here… I know it's not time yet. You can't imagine how much it hurts to say that….or maybe you can. I want you here with me…all the time. I dream about you and then when I wake up and you're not here it feels like something breaks inside. I think about you all the time…and the baby. I wonder how you are and if you're safe. I wonder how the baby is and what you look like now. I bet you're beautiful. You've always been beautiful to me. He looked down at his hands before continuing. "I'm rambling now…you hate it when I ramble. I just…I'm so sorry Sam. I don't think I can find words to tell you how sorry I am…for everything. I'm sorry that when you needed me to be calm, I freaked out. I'm sorry that when I should have been there for you, I walked away. I'm sorry that I allowed you to think I didn't care, that I didn't want to be with you, that I didn't want this baby…our baby. I'm sorry that I was such an immature, selfish ass who left you to deal with something so big all alone. And most of all I'm sorry that the only way you thought you could fix all of this was to leave.

"There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel regret for just letting us walk away from what he had that night in the elevator. For not fighting for us, for not telling you that I didn't want to let you go. And for thinking our problems weren't something we could fix together."

"I promised you once that would never hurt you, and… I didn't keep that promise Sam. I would totally understand if you never forgave me for that. But…I'm hoping you will. I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to show you that I've changed, because I really have. I understand things now that I didn't when you left. I understand that having you in my life isn't something I'm entitled to. Loving you is my privilege Sam." She felt warm tears streaking down her face.

"I know I gave you a lot of reasons to leave. I'm hoping I can give you a reason to come back. Because I love you, Samantha Puckett. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And all I want is for you to let me show you how much. I can't promise you perfection…I'm learning that there's no such thing. But I can promise you that if you let me, I will spend every second of every day for the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to make you happy."

"I guess that's all for now. But this isn't the end Sam…you'll have to do more than run off across the country to get rid of me," he laughed. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, loving you and whenever you're ready, just say the word and I'll come running." He lowered his voice to a whisper, fighting back tears and said the words they'd only ever said to each other. "Until forever ends."

The screen went black and Sam set her laptop on the floor, curling up in a ball on her bed, her whole body racked with sobs. She had no idea how bittersweet this would be. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed him. How hard it would be to hear his voice. She ached to touch his face, to wipe away the tears that had run from his eyes. To take away the hurt she was causing him.

Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn't she find a way to make her head agree to what her heart wanted? Why couldn't she tell him how she felt?

She sat up, wiping the tears from her face. On her desk was a deep purple, leather bound book that J'Maw Maw had given her when she'd arrived. She'd told her that sometimes it was hard to say what you needed to say out loud, but you needed to find a way to say it just the same. She'd given her the journal then, told her that it might make it easier to say what she needed to. She hadn't touched it since then, too afraid to write what she felt. Writing it made it real and she hadn't been ready to deal with it – until now.

She stood from the bed and walked softly over to her desk, running her hand over the soft leather, picking it up and taking it with her back to the bed. She wasn't sure what she was doing. She only knew that she'd come to a point where there were too many words she hadn't said, and she needed to get them out, even if he never heard them.

Dear Freddie,

I got your video today. I almost ripped Melanie's head off for telling you were I was – even though I know now that she didn't. I should probably call her and apologize. It's weird, because even though I yelled at her I think maybe part of me was glad; glad that you found out. Happy that you tried to find me. I wasn't expecting that. In my family mothers stay and make you miserable, and fathers leave. I gave you the chance to walk away and it doesn't look like you're doing that. I'm not completely sure how I feel about that.

It really hurt you know, what you said to me the last time we saw each other. You've always been so responsible and …just…good, and I guess I never really expected to see such a different side of you. But since I've been here I've done a lot of thinking and I guess it wasn't really fair for me to expect you to handle it well. I didn't handle it so well myself when I found out. I'm sorry for that. For expecting more of you than I should have.

I'm sorry for a lot of things these days. It sounds like you are too. Quite a sorry pair we make right now. I make fun of you for all the dorky sci-fi stuff you watch but right now I sort of wish I had one of those time machines. I wish I could go back and do things differently. Make different choices, different decisions. But there are two things I wouldn't change. I wouldn't change being with you. Not one second of it. And I wouldn't change having this baby.

Today was actually a really big day. I wish you could have been here. The doctor says we're having a son. A little boy, can you believe it? I think I'm still in shock. Before I found out what I was having it was like the baby was this…idea. Real but not real. Now it's more real than anything I've ever felt. Now when he kicks I can say 'that's my son kicking', our son kicking. We're going to be parents soon. I can't believe it. And you're not here. That's the hardest part.

Every time I feel him move. Every time I hear his heartbeat I think of you and wonder if I made a mistake. You're such an amazing person. A better person than me ten times over and I can't help but wonder if not having you here with him…with us, is the right thing to do.

I love you Freddie. I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell you how amazing I think you are and how much I miss everything about you. Right now I guess all I can do is hope, hope that somehow we can fix the mess we've made. And I'll have to be happy knowing that even if I don't have you, I have this baby…our son, and he's the very best part of you.

Until Forever Ends,

Sam

She looked down at what she'd written. Some of the words had run together as her tears wet the paper. She breathed deeply and felt better, lighter somehow. He might never know what she'd written, or maybe he would… one day.

She placed the journal on her night stand, turned out the light and for the first time in three months, fell into completely dreamless sleep.

February 21, 2012 - Willacoochie

Sam ran into the house, checking the table for the mail. After her video message from Freddie she'd called Melanie, apologizing for yelling at her when, she'd discovered, that it wasn't Melanie's involvement that had assisted Freddie in finding her. She hadn't given Melanie all the details but she'd told her enough for Melanie to know that a small crack had developed in Sam's resolve. Melanie had rushed off the phone and called Carly, both of them rejoicing at this development. Melanie hadn't wanted to give away the details of Freddie's plan, simple as it was, but she'd dropped the hint that maybe Sam should be checking the mail a bit more regularly.

And so every day since then Sam had rushed into the house, hoping to see the familiar manila envelope. And every day she'd been disappointed. She'd continued to write in her journal, even beginning to look forward to it every day. She found herself capturing moments from her day, thinking of how she was going to tell Freddie about them. That's really what the journal had become, a way to talk to Freddie even if she was still to confused to do it in person.

J'Maw Maw had observed it all with quiet pleasure. She was glad to see that the boy had finally got off his do nothing and done something. She'd never met him but from what she'd been told he was a pretty good egg. A damn sight better than Sam's father had been. She'd yet to meet him in person, but she had a feeling that she would in good time. This boy was not going to give up easy.

"I already put the mail on your bed" she said to Sam who was trying to look casual as she sifted through the mail on the table.

"Thanks J'Maw Maw," Sam called over her shoulder, rushing up the stair as fast as her rapidly growing midsection would allow.

Stepping into her room she threw down her bag, ripped open the manila package sitting on the bed and pulled up her laptop.

Once again she held her breath as his face filled her screen. He looked a little happier today. His face held a smile as he adjusted the webcam and she couldn't help but smile back at him. She rested a hand on her stomach as his voice filled the room.

"Hi, Sam. It's me again." Freddie decided not to try to write a script for his messages, the way he had with his first. He hadn't been able to get through without crying, and in any case, he discarded it once he was recording, in order to speak from the heart. He also wasn't too sure what to say. He still felt everything he said in the first message, and he had no response from Sam to speak to.

"I hope you are getting these messages. If I got that address wrong, I suppose someone in Georgia is listening to further evidence that Seattle is full of weirdos." He laughed and Sam found herself laughing too. Everything is … well, the same here. School, spending time with Carly, my mom. Well, one thing isn't the same. We stopped doing iCarly. We did it without you once, and it just wasn't right. It's not iCarly without you. And so we haven't done one since you left. Maybe you already knew. I go through the logs of people looking at the site, and when I see someone access from Georgia, I wonder if it's you…"

"I hope you're okay. Carly talks to Melanie sometimes so I heard the baby is well, and so are you. Did you know that they talk? Not all the time or anything. Carly just checks in to see how you are. I think she called Melanie right after you left. But she didn't tell me. That was just as well. It just would have made me do something stupid. But she wanted to know you and the baby were safe, and Melanie promised her you were. And Mel never told her where you are, so don't be mad at her. Or if she did tell Carly, then Carly never said a thing to me. Like I said, I found your address myself. I did tell Carly I was sending you this message, but I didn't give her your address. It's funny … I never liked keeping secrets from Carly, any more than she liked having things kept from her, but every secret I didn't tell her has seemed to have something to do with you. I never told her how I felt about you, or that we started to go out. Or what happened the night we broke up. You know, I was never afraid to tell her I was with you. I was proud as hell. Being with you is one of the things in my life I was most proud of. But … being alone with you was special. So special it was just for the two of us. So I never told Carly much about us. And I didn't tell her I was looking for you nonstop for two months. Now that I know she'd been talking to Melanie…I don't know…I guess we were both looking for you in our own way.

"I still miss you. Every second of the day. I hate going to sleep, because I just dream about you, and it makes me feel so helpless, because I wake up, you're not here, and I realize that I can't bring you back. I never realized how many little things I do every day remind me of you. I can't go to school and not see where you sat in class, or stare at your locker until I accept that you're not going to show up. I haven't been in the Groovy Smoothie. I can't stand being there now. I yelled at Spencer last week for what I thought was no reason. Then I realized it was because I smelled the bacon he was frying.

"I know those are all little things, but your spot in my life is a whole collection of little things. Tiny memories, tiny events that I don't think meant a thing in themselves. I only remembered them because you were there. Right from the first day we met … and you introduced yourself with that shovel … you've been an important part of my life. Every single day. Everything that's been worth remembering … you were there. Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you saw them. It's about all the times you're doing something and just can't enjoy it because that person isn't there to share it with you. That's been every moment of every day since you left. I can't find the words to say how empty I feel without you here. Both of you. Please come home, Sam. Tell me to come for you. I want us to be a family."

She reached over for her journal.

Dear Freddie,

I'm working now. You'd probably be shocked to hear that. I have a real job where I have to get up early and work all day. But the real surprise is that I love it. I babysit for a little boy named Jason. He's four and is just about the cutest thing I've ever seen. I take care of him all alone all day. I didn't think I'd be able to at first but now, it's like a piece of cake. Well not exactly a piece of cake. I mean, it's hard, knowing that someone else is so dependent on you, but I figure that's a feeling I should get used to. His mother, Sarah, and I have become pretty good friends. She thinks I'm going to be a good mom once the baby gets here. In the beginning I wasn't so sure but now, sometimes, I think she may be right. Taking care of Jason makes me feel whole. It's like finding out that this is the one thing I've been missing my entire life.

Sarah is a single mom. She got pregnant at seventeen like me. The guy was a real douche. He took off and left her and Jason. She does everything by herself; she works, goes to school, and takes care of Jason. She has a brother named Ryland who helps her out a lot but for the most part, she's on her own. When she told me her story, I felt really bad. Not just because it had happened to her, but because I had the nerve to be sitting there feeling sorry for myself when I don't have it half as hard as her. She got pregnant by some idiot who just wanted to cop a feel after prom and then hit the road. When she asked me about you, I was ashamed to tell her that I was the one who left. I was the one who walked away from caring, responsible guy and took away his chance to be a dad.

You can't imagine how bad I feel about that. But now I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I can face you and Carly and even Spencer after all of this. And if I'm being completely honest I'm scared. I mean, my mom and dad loved each other once. My grandmother says they were absolutely crazy about each other. So what happened? What makes people who love each other start to hate each other? What if that happened to us?

As hard as it is to be away from you now, I know it would be harder if you ever walked away later. God, this is harder than I ever thought it would be.

UFE,

Sam

March 5, 2012 - Willacoochee, Georgia

The weeks that followed continued in much the same way. Sam spent her days with Jason, growing to love the little more each day. She and Ryland seemed to have come to a comfortable agreement. She appreciated having him as her friend and it appeared that he had come to terms with his feelings for her, never again pressing her to be more. Her appointments with Doctor Parsons were going well. The baby was growing and healthy, every new appointment found her more and more amazed at the life growing in her.

Her afternoons were the best times. She spent time leafing through the stack of baby books Sarah had lent her. Her favorite was 'Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth about Pregnancy'. That Jenny McCarthy was hilarious, and while she was laughing she found she was learning a lot. The other book with pages dog-eared beside her bed was 'The Complete Book of Baby Names'. That one was actually even funnier than 'Belly Laughs' sometimes. She was amazed at the jank names people picked for their kids.

Dear Freddie,

Mutton… there is actually some wahoo out there who named their baby Mutton. I mean, I like meat and all, but you have to draw the line somewhere, right? Of course, I'm saying this to a boy whose mother named him Fredward. Do you ever wonder why she did that? This baby will not be a junior, I can say that for sure.

I'm tired today, so I don't have a lot to write.

I miss you. Every day. I'm an idiot…but I think you already know that.

Until Forever Ends,

Sam

The next two videos from Freddie came on the same day. So she'd watched the first on immediately, saving the second one for the next morning.

"Hi, Sam. I guess it's been, what, a week since the last time we talked? Well, since I talked, at any rate. How is the baby? I think about our baby all the time. It's almost six months now. In just a couple of months we're going to have a son or daughter. Do you think about names for the baby? I do, but I can't say there's any name that I really like. I don't think I want to name the baby after anyone, at least not in my family. Not that we have a great track record." Freddie began to laugh. "My name is Fredward, for crying out loud! That's neither one thing nor the other! It's like my mom was filling out the forms after I was born, and changed her mind halfway through and was too lazy to go back and erase. I shouldn't have said that. It sounds like something you would do." Freddie smiled.

"I've never told you that I like your name. Not Sam. Samantha. It's a beautiful feminine name. There's nothing girly about it. It's a name for a beautiful woman. And it fits you. One day I'm going to call you by it. And you might even let me.

"Who do you think the baby will look like? I hope he looks like you … for his own sake. I'm nothing special to look at, and I need to kill myself in the gym every week just to stay at that point. You turn heads even if you don't do so much as comb your hair. And I hope he gets your metabolism. Do I need to go out and invest in a pig farm so I can keep two ham and bacon addicts satisfied?

"Good grief, two of you with Puckett blood! I'll be outnumbered. And loving every minute of it. What if she's like you but a tech nerd like me? She'll be an evil genius who will stop at nothing to get her way. But she'll always get her way, like you do, because I'll spoil the both of you rotten. And if I inherit any parental instinct from my mother, she'll be the most disinfected child on the continent.

Freddie stopped and let out a breath. He picked up a little stuffed bear that he brought out of his closet the morning after learning Sam was pregnant. It was the bear his mother put in his crib. He held it up to the camera. "Sam, this is Charlie. I had him when I was a baby. I don't think I looked at him for ten years, but the night after I learned you were having our child, I found him here in my room. I went to your house the next day, and I had him with me, because I wanted our baby to have something from Dad close by. But you were gone already. He'll be waiting here. Just like I am.

"Are you feeling well? Are you in any pain? Do you … still get sick in the morning? Can you feel our child inside you? I can't imagine what it would be like to have a child inside you, growing. I guess no man can. But I'm trying to imagine what it would be like to hold my son or daughter in my arms. I'd really like to have that chance. I miss you, Sam. Please come home."

Dear Freddie,

It's late and Jason had me running around all day. I'm exhausted, but your son won't let me sleep. Apparently he thinks jumping on my bladder at midnight is a fun time. He's wrong.

You said you miss me. I wonder if it could possibly be as much as a I miss you.

UFE,

Sam

P.S. – Charlie's cute.

"Hi Sam, me again. Although I guess no one else has sending you videos like this. It would be weird… I'm still here, still carrying on. More or less. I've actually been busy, and I have something to tell you about." He held up two pieces of paper. "I got some letters this week, letters that once upon a time would have been good news to me.

Dear Mr. Benson:

On behalf of the Committee on Admissions of the National Institute of Technology, I am delighted to admit you to the Class of 2016. In recognition of your stellar academic record, and in particular for your innovative extracurricular work with communication and information processing technology, it is my privilege to inform you that the Committee has directed the Financial Aid Office to grant you a four-year full tuition scholarship. We also look forward to welcoming you into our Young Scholars Program, a special arrangements that we offer to the fifteen most outstanding entering first year students…

"So, I got into N.I.T. Mom was excited. She called relatives I didn't even know we had. She ran out and bought stacks of books on Washington, D.C., mostly to find out which areas of town are the cleanest. Spencer went nuts too—who would have expected that? And it's a dream come true. But Sam, I just don't think it's my dream anymore. I know it's an amazing place, and I'd be surrounded by all these amazing people. The letter came in a big package, with booklets telling me how great my future is going to be, how being there would change my life.

"But Sam, and all I could think of is that this future can't possibly be great ... it couldn't possibly be what's best for me if you're not there. I don't want to chase a dream without you in it. I don't want to see a future where you aren't there. I love you and it doesn't matter if you believe it or if you accept it. I love you and I love our baby...already. This baby, it's a symbol of everything that's right with us. It's the best parts of who we are. I don't care if we didn't plan it and I don't care how hard it's going to be. I want to have a family with you.. And I know it's going to be hard ... dirty diapers and bills and jobs and school but that's just it, Sam. I don't care! I don't care how hard it gets, because the last five months have shown me that the worst day in the world with you is better than my best day without you. I'm not asking you to forget what's happened. All I'm asking is that you let me love you...both of you. Forever."

He held up the second sheet of paper. "Sam, this letter came from the College of Computer Science and Engineering at the University of Washington. The names and titles are different, but they've offered me the same thing. The College has a fantastic reputation. Students come from all over the world for this program. And it's right here in Seattle, right at home. Right where there are a whole lot of people who love you and who want you right here with them. Starting with me.

Freddie then held up a third piece of paper, one Sam didn't realize he had. It was the image of her very first ultrasound, back in Seattle. "Sam, those letters don't hold my dream on them. This one does. The dream I want to pursue is a life at your side with our child. Raising this child with you will be ten thousand times better than anything I might accomplish at N.I.T. I love you. Please come home."

So it had happened. Freddie had gotten into N.I.T., his biggest dream. N.I.T was in Washington D.C. Nowhere near Seattle or Georgia. From what he said, they'd told him all the things she'd said herself. That was smart and that they wanted him there; that being there would change his life. So here she was, confronted with her greatest nightmare and a decision she didn't quite feel prepared to make. J'Maw Maw had been right. She did want the best for Freddie, but she hadn't left because she wanted the best for him. She'd left because she was afraid that she wasn't the best for him. She came from white trash, she wasn't going to set the academic world on fire, and there were at least a dozen other reasons why he'd have been so much better off without her.

But she was now able to also see that regardless of how she might feel about herself, Freddie loved her. Enough to give up N.I.T to be with her. Six months ago it was unthinkable, but now, sitting her, feeling the regular kicking of her son she wasn't so sure. What if? she thought. What if we tried to make it work? What if we built a family together? What if I just let him love me?

She stood and began to pace the length of her room. The early morning sun peeked into her room. She was off today. Dr. Parsons was at a medical convention so Sarah didn't have to work. So there was nothing to distract her, nothing to occupy her time or help her avoid thinking about her current problem.

Pulling out her journal she began to write, hoping the answer would appear to her.

Dear Freddie,

N.I.T. Wow, that's a really big deal. I bet your mom freaked. For once I don't blame Crazy for being, well, crazy. It's amazing Freddie. I'm so proud of you. And UW too. You're just kicking college butt and taking names, aren't you? Not that I'm shocked. I've always expected great things from you. But it makes things hard. I've been watching these videos your sending and thinking and wishing and wondering. And no matter where my thoughts start, they always end back at you. Always.

I'm so confused right now Freddie. I love you and I love the baby and I'm trying to learn to love myself but it's just so damn hard. I want to do what's right, for all of us. I just wish I knew what that was.

Until Forever Ends,

Sam.

March 12, 2012 – Seattle

Freddie was tired. He has sincerely hoped that the idea of communicating with Sam would give him new energy, and that he would always be inspired to say new and encouraging things to her. But it had been a whole month, and this was his fifth message to Sam. She had never responded, even though she had numerous ways to do so. And Melanie never said anything to Carly that pointed at these videos being viewed in Georgia. He was increasingly confident that he was sending these videos to the correct address. If Sam was not answering, he could only draw one conclusion.

He didn't try to fix up his hair this time, or wear anything special. His appearance and his clothing reflected his mood of resignation. He clicked the button in Cutting Room Flow to start the recording.

March 16, 2012 - Willacoochie

Today had been a bad day; a really bad day.

She woke up late and found a note from J'Maw Maw saying she'd had to run an errand and to call Ryland for a ride. By the time she got to Sarah's it was thirty minutes after when Sarah was supposed to be at work. She'd spent the day with a very cranky four year old who's only word seemed to be 'no'. Then in the afternoon she'd been so tired she'd fallen asleep while Jason was napping and awoke to find him sitting in the middle of the kitchen covered in flour. He said he was trying to make cookies. It took her over an hour to clean up the mess and by then she was so cranky she'd spent the ride home glaring out the window as Ryland tried to make small talk.

Ryland pulled up to the house and Sam was out of the car almost before it stopped. She heard him calling out a good-bye and she threw a half-hearted wave over her shoulder. She trudged up the front steps, cursing as she stumbled on a step, catching herself with the bannister.

Three more months. Three more months of a giant belly and swollen ankles, embarrassing gas and heartburn that felt like fire-breathing dragons had taken up permanent residence in her chest. She really didn't think she was going to make it. A loud belch escaped her as she entered the house and she glared at J'Maw Maw who was standing just inside the door chuckling under her breath. She loved her grandmother but she was not in the mood to be made fun of today.

"Glad you think my pain is funny!"

"Aww… what's the matter? Bad day?"

Sam simply nodded, heading slowly up the stairs. At least the baby was cooperating, he'd been calm all day, a fact she was grateful for.

"Well, I think there might be something on your bed that'll cheer you up." J'Maw Maw called after her before walking into the kitchen. "Dinner in thirty minutes."

Sam paused briefly before picking up the pace and walking into her room. Just as she'd hoped, there on her bed lay the tell-tale manila envelope that let her know Freddie's latest message was here. She had come to look forward to them, and to the clarity they were helping her to achieve. She opened the package and lay back on the bed, perching the laptop on her stomach.

"Hi, Sam, if you're still watching me. I've sent you a few of these messages now, and I think you know I feel. How I feel about you, about us, and our child. I'm sorry that I behaved in a way that made you feel unwanted and unsafe, and that you felt that you had to leave. You've known me for more than ten years, Sam. You know the kind of person that I am, and how important the people I love are to me. I hoped you'd realize that the person you saw the last time we were together wasn't the real me, and that you'll never see that person again.

"You know how I feel, and I don't know what else I can say. I don't think I can go on speaking into a camera like this, never knowing what you're thinking, or if you even watch. I'm sorry. This will be the last message. You haven't said anything back, and it eventually gets to a place where I have to take that as an answer in itself.

"I'm truly sorry, Sam. I always held out the hope in my heart that we would get through this and find our way back to each other. I never let myself think about what living the rest of my life without ever seeing you or our child again would be like." Tears started to crawl down Freddie's face, but he did not stop recording. "But I realize now I have to deal with this, starting with the fact that I only have myself to blame. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, Sam Puckett. I hoped we'd have more time together. Even a lifetime. But I only wanted it if you wanted to be here too.

"Sam, please know above all that I want you and our child to be happy, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, and whoever you are with. The last thing I ask of you is to please let our son or daughter know that they have a father who loves them, and who wanted to be with them. Please tell them about me, and about their family in Seattle. And when the time comes, please show them how to contact me. And I promise to help every way that I can to provide for them.

"I'll never forget you, my first friend, and the first woman I loved. Thank you for everything. I love you both and always will. Until forever ends."

Her bad day had just gotten worse. She sat staring at the monitor long after it had gone dark.

This will be the last message.

Her breathing was fast and shallow. Her head was swimming and she'd gone numb.

This will be the last message. The last message.

He was done. He'd given up. And it was all her fault.

All these months she'd felt like she had all the time in the world. And then when the videos started coming she'd been even more confident that she could take her time and make the right decision, because he'd be there. She'd written page after page of her thoughts and feelings. She'd poured her heart out but now had to admit that Freddie had been the courageous one, putting himself out there without knowing how she'd respond. Even after she'd walked away he'd found a way to her, found a way to let her know he loved her still. And she'd been a coward, hiding here, behind lame excuses and ridiculous insecurities. She'd left her words on a page instead of in the hands and heart of the man she loved more than life.

She'd had over three months to make a decision. Three months to come to terms with seventeen years of fears, doubts and insecurities. Sitting her now, she realized that healing might quite possibly be a life-long endeavor. The scars went that deep. But there was something else she'd learned, something far more important.

She loved Freddie. Loved him with every fiber of her being. And she wanted to have a life with him and their son. She didn't know how it could work or even if it would work. But hearing him say that this was the end made her entirely sure of one thing…she wasn't ready to let him go.

She grabbed her journal, closed the lid to her laptop and headed down the stairs. Rushing down to the kitchen she paused to lean on the door frame, catching her breath.

"Good Lord Sammy! What's wrong?" J'Maw Maw rushed over to her, concern washing over her face.

"J'Maw Maw," she said in a rush, "You were right. About everything. I was scared… and I made some really stupid decisions but I'm ready to fix it. I have to fix it. Will you help me?"

A soft smile spread over her grandmother's face. "Of course I will. You just tell me what we need to do."

"I need a ride. To the post office."

"You planning on mailing yourself back to Seattle?"

"No…"

"Are you sure this is how you wanna…"

"J'Maw Maw please…just trust me." Her eyes pleaded with the older woman.

"Well alright then," J'Maw Maw reached for her purse and keys. "I hope you know what you're doing." She headed out the door.

"I hope so too," Sam said, following her out and shutting the door.

An hour later she was back in her room, the receipt for her overnight shipment to Seattle still warm in her hand. By 8:30 tomorrow morning things were going to change…she hoped for the better.

March 17, 2012 – Seattle 8:15 am

Freddie woke to the sound of knocking on his door-persistent knocking. He hadn't slept well. Since he'd sent the last video to Sam and been met with silence, he'd slipped back into the darkness he'd existed in before discovering Sam was in Georgia. At least when he hadn't known where she was, there was the hope that if he found her he could change things. Now there wasn't any hope. He'd tried, thrown his heart out there and been met with silent rejection.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes he walked through his apartment to the front door. His mom had worked the late shift at the hospital and was due home any moment. He thought for a moment that it was her at the door, having forgotten her keys. But he immediately dismissed that idea…his mother never forgot anything, except perhaps the fact that he was almost a grown man.

The banging began again, in earnest this time.

"Hang on!" he screamed at whoever was on the other side as he began undoing the door locks, "I'm coming!"

Opening the door he was shocked to find the building doorman, Lewbert, standing with his back to Freddie in the hallway. He was smoothing he hair down with a wet hand. Freddie was afraid to ask what the wetness was. Lewbert turned and glared at Freddie with open hostility.

"Where's Marissa!" he screamed.

"She's at work! Why do you want to know?"

"You've got a package!"

"Well then just give it to me!" Freddie said, reaching for the USPS Overnight Express package Lewbert was holding. Lewbert pulled it out of Freddie's reach, peering around him into the apartment.

"Are you sure Marissa isn't here?"

"Yes Lewbert! I'm sure my mother isn't here. And if she was, I'm equally sure she wouldn't want to see you!" Lewbert glared at him, holding the envelope behind his back. "Hey, I think that's her getting off the elevator." Freddie lied, pointing down the hall. As soon as Lewbert turned to look he yanked the envelope from his hand, backed into his apartment, and slammed the door.

"Argh! You lied!" he heard Lewbert yelling from the other side of the door and chuckled to himself as he walked back toward his bedroom. He sat at his desk, turned the package over and his heart stopped when he saw the post mark.

Willacoochee, Georgia.

His hands were shaking so hard he couldn't open the envelope. This was the moment he'd been waiting for three long months. He was certain that in this envelope was his whole future—the acceptance letters from the colleges were nothing next to this. The answer to whether he'd ever have the privilege to hold the small warm form of his child against him. Whether he'd have a chance to build a life with Sam and the baby. Nothing he'd ever received had been as important and he was frozen with blind fear. What if she said no? What if this package was simply to say goodbye? What he never got to see her again, hold her again, see the face of his baby and dream of the life he could give him or her?

He picked up his phone and dialed.

"Carly…I need you to come over here… NOW Carly, Right NOW!" He hadn't meant to scream. His nerves were getting the better of him. If he'd thought about it he might not have called Carly. After all this could very well be the saddest, most humiliating moment of his life and he wasn't sure if having a witness to it was a good thing. But he was willing to risk embarrassment; he just couldn't face it alone.

He paced in front of his front door, holding the envelope as he waited for Carly. He didn't have to wait long. He heard Carly approaching and opened the door before she had a chance to knock. She looked terrified as she rushed in.

"Freddie! Oh my God, are you okay? What's wrong? What happened?" Her words were rushed and she walked around him, looking for injuries.

He still wasn't able to talk and instead handed her the envelope. She looked from it to him and back again.

"It's from Sam?"

He nodded.

Carly grabbed his hand and pulled him to the loveseat. Once they were seated she placed the envelope gently on her lap and turned to him.

"Are you ready to open it?"

He shook his head. As much as he wanted to know what was inside, needed to know; he just couldn't bring himself to open it. Carly reached over and patted his knee.

"Do you want me to open it?" she asked and began to gingerly open the envelope when he nodded. She pulled from inside a small, leather-bound purple book. Opening it to the first page he cringed as he heard her draw in a sharp breath.

"What is it?" he asked, afraid of the answer.

Carly flipped through the pages. "They're letters. From Sam." She turned to look at him. "To you." She waited for him to tell her what to do. She saw the fear in his eyes and knew what he must be thinking. Honestly, she was afraid too. After a month with no response she was more than nervous to see Sam's reaction to Freddie's messages to her. Taking a deep breath she began, her shaking voice barely a whisper.

Dear Freddie.

After an hour or so she reached the back page. It was dated March fifth. Before his last video to her had arrived.

"Is that it?" he asked. Carly looked over to him and felt a rush of affection for the friend who was like a brother to her. He looked so tired, she could only imagine what this entire ordeal had been like for him. And even with these letters there was still no real answer. They knew now why she'd left. Knew how she was feeling but she still hadn't given him an answer to the real question; was she coming home? Moving to close the book the last page fell over and a smile broke out on her face.

"No." she said, "There's one more note." She picked up the pink post it note stuck to the page and handed it to him. "I think you should read this one."

"Carly…"

"Just read it!" she demanded, forcing the note into his hands.

Freddie peered down reluctantly at the note in his hand. It was dated March 16th and the ten words it contained pulled him from the depths of despair to the pinnacle of joy.

I'm ready.

We're waiting for you.

Until forever ends.