Watch Over Me

Chapter Nine

All of a sudden everything closed inside of Lulu. This was Logan Hayes she was talking to--this was not her family and this was not her best friend. This was the guy that she could barely stand half of the time, and the other half had no idea what to think. He confused her, he made her feel different, and he could possibly, one day, be her friend. But not now. And there was no way that she was going to tell him what happened last summer. Lulu didn't need his pity; she didn't need him to know. It was none of his business, anyway, really. What did he care? She was his responsibility, and nothing else.

Lulu bit her bottom lip and looked up at the sky. Logan and her had by now reached the pier as they made their way back home. The sun had almost completely set, and the sky was getting darker, with just a few pale streaks of purple and red left in it. Lulu took a shaky breath. She could smell the water, and hear the last few boats coming in at the docks for the day.

"I'd rather not talk about it, Logan," she answered truthfully.

Logan didn't move for a split second, then he turned and faced the water. He stared down into it, seeing his reflection and Lulu's further behind him. He folded his arms. Suddenly he whirled around. "Dang it, Lulu!"

Her face went blank."What?"

"Why do you always have to do this?"

"Do what?!"

"This--shut down whenever anyone tries to do anything to help you! Why can't you just let yourself be human for one blasted minute, and open up to someone!"

Lulu froze. This was not what she wanted to hear. Especially from Logan, of all people. She had expected him to let it go--she didn't blame him for being curious, but she hadn't thought he would push it so much. A simple, "Okay, Lulu, whatever," would have been a lot better. For once, it would have shown her that he didn't care--at least then she'd actually know. It would be confirmed that Logan could care less about her. Then she could get him out of her mind...and perhaps out of her heart. Do I want him to care? she thought to herself. But not matter how hard she thought, she could not find the answer.

So, like she often did when she was confused or perplexed about something, she opened her mouth.

"Open up to someone? Why would I open up to anyone? Why would I open up to you? Since when was it any of your business what happened to me a year ago? I'll tell you when--never! I don't need to tell you, and I sure don't want to tell you." her voice got higher and louder. "It's done and over, and there's nothing that can change it. There's not point talking about it--that won't do a single darn thing, Logan! I'm surprised, I mean, coming from you. When's the last time you opened up to someone? Huh? When's the last time you talked to someone about your tours in Iraq? Or the obvious grudge you hold against Scott Baldwin?"

"I didn't! That's the whole problem! I hid everything for so long that it all came back and bit me. Don't do this, Lulu! For once in your life, just trust someone! Is it that hard to do?" Logan's eyes were fierce, worried, and begging all at the same time.

"Oh! You have a lot nerve, telling me to trust someone. You want me to trust you, is that it? Well I don't! And I won't ever! I don't trust anyone anymore, Logan!" Lulu's voice was reaching it's breaking point.

"Anymore?" Logan repeated. "See, this is exactly what I mean! Let me tell you this, I know more than anyone that one thing can keep you from trusting the whole world forever. But you can't let it! You are right about one thing--it's good to be careful, and it's good to guard yourself. But you are taking it to a whole new extreme!"

"It's extreme to want to protect yourself from getting hurt time after time now?!" Lulu demanded.

Logan suddenly softened. He brought his thumb up hesitatingly to her cheek, but before he could move, Lulu flinched and shook him off.

"Darn it, Lulu!" Logan snapped. "I am really trying, here. I am trying to be your friend, and I'm trying to listen to you! I'm not just working my butt off every day and night trying to keep you safe because it puts a paycheck in my pocket and earns me some respect from Sonny Corinthos! I am doing it because I don't want to see you get hurt again! You know, whatever happened to you last summer...that's not even the point anymore! What it did to you, what it turned you into--now that's a big deal! I didn't know you then, but even I can tell that you went through some kind of change. I know, because sometimes you can be so normal--like tonight when you were teaching Cam to tie his shoes or joking with your brothers--and I know that's really who you are. Then other times you completely flip to...to this! Why do you want to be like that, Lulu? Let me help you. Let me prove that you can trust me. Heck, I just sat through an interrogation by your father and brother! If that doesn't prove something, what could?!" He tried to joke.

Lulu stared at him, opened-mouthed at his declarations. He was trying, she realized. The words surprised Logan himself when they came out, but he knew they were certainly true.

He's right, he is not going to hurt you, a little voice kept going through Lulu's head. She wanted so badly to believe it. Two years ago she probably would have. But now, it was too hard for her. So she sighed deeply, and sat down on the bench overlooking the water.

Logan stood, looking down at her. He almost wanted to take it all back. Had he done the right thing? Was this what friends did? Did Lulu really just need a dose of "tough love"? Or was he just pushing her too far--far enough that she would break? Was it really that bad--was it something she truly was better off not remembering and retelling? He was just about to open his mouth and apologize when her own opened. He shut his quickly--maybe, after all, he had done it right.

"I..." her voice trailed off. Logan sat next to her on the bench and waited patiently. Lulu continued, "Okay, uh...where to start." she laughed nervously. "Dillon, you know, Dillon Quartermaine..."

Logan nodded. Of course, it would be about a guy. But Dillon couldn't have broken her heart or anything like that--he still hounded her, and Lulu, seemed to enjoy him almost as much.

Lulu licked her lips before starting again.

"Dillon and I slept together." she gave a dry laugh. "Actually, to be more accurate, I tricked him into sleeping with me. After he found out, he, of course, wanted nothing to do with me. I guess I can't blame him."

Logan took her hand in his and squeezed it. "Whatever you did, Lulu, it's in the past. I don't think any less of you because you tricked someone into--"

"That's not all...I...I got pregnant."

It took a moment to register in Logan's mind. Pregnant? Lulu had carried Dillon's baby?

"I got pregnant, and I told Dillon. I didn't know what to do, Logan. I couldn't be the kind of parent that a child deserves. I would end up being just like my dad. Or it would be too much for me and I'd probably end up staring at a wall like my mother. I didn't want to go through that. It sounds kind of selfish, saying it. But I really wanted to do what was best."

"What did you do?" Logan prodded. He couldn't imagine that kind of responsibility. He was gaining more and more respect for Lulu as he listened.

"I had an abortion." she answered. Then she let out her breath and stared up at the sky again, trying not to cry.

Logan shook his head. "Lulu, I don't know what to say..I mean..."

"Neither do I sometimes." Lulu said. "Every time I see a baby I wonder if I did the right thing. Or was I just incredibly selfish to take the easy way out? Sometimes I hate myself--like when I'm holding Jake and thinking I could be holding my own baby if I hadn't had done it. I was scared, and I had no idea what to do."

Lulu sniffed. She couldn't help herself. A few tears ran down her face. Logan scooted closer to her, awkwardly. But when Lulu looked up at him, her eyes full of pain, the awkwardness vanished and he did exactly what felt right to do. He pulled Lulu to him, and let her bury her face into his chest and sob.