A/N: thanks for the reviews. This is a pretty long chapter. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Im not exactly sure how I want the next chapter to be. I think what I want to do is a little unprecedented. We'll see if I go through with it or not. I don't know when the next chapter will be up. I don't think it should be too long. I really do enjoy writing this even though its not a lot of fun times for LP right now. But I will get to finishing this. Oh and please review for this chapter…let me know what you think of how the story line in proceeding…even if you don't like it…I would just like to know…thanks!
She slammed the front door of their apartment running into her Comet and just sat in the drivers seat. She roughly started the ignition, took a deep breath and wiped the tears from her eyes. She put 99.1, the classic rock station and "Free Bird" by Lynard Skynard came on. With her top down, her hair flew in the wind as the music blasted. They loved this song, together. When it would come on they would scream the lyrics, imitate the air guitar and air drums. The tears fell harder, it was such an emotional song.
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be travelling on, now,
Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
It was one in the morning and she needed to talk to someone. She felt betrayed by everyone she loved most in the world: Karen, Nathan, Haley, Brooke…Lucas. Her dad wasn't around…She needed answers. As she drove, she noticed Brooke's car at Nathan and Haley's house. She parked the car, got out, and proceeded to knock heavily on the door. By the sound of the knock and the hand of the clock, he knew who it was.
"Peyton" was all he could say. She looked like a wreck. She wore a long t-shirt and pajama pants. Her hair was disheveled from the car ride. Her face was puffy and red. All he could do was just pull her into a hug as she saw Brooke and Haley in the background with both somber looks on their face. He let go of her to take a look at her. "He told you" he concluded. And with that she brushed past him rolling her eyes, he could tell she was pissed.
"What's going on?" she asked to all three of them. "How can you all be ok with this?" she was angry at them all and just wanted answers.
"I'm not" Brooke said proudly defending her best friend. "I say we tie his wheelchair to his room. There is no way he is leaving this town"
"Brooke…" Haley started.
"No Haley. Don't Brooke me… This has gone on far enough. I know you two support Lucas' decision but I don't" she moved her way to Peyton and put her arm around her. "He can't leave his child or his wife to go find himself or whatever you guys think he needs to do." She concluded.
"You guys agree with him?" Peyton asked a silent Nathan and Haley. All they could do is just look at each other.
Brooke took Peyton aside to go sit in the family room as Nathan and Haley began to talk to one another. "As soon as Luke told me I cam running here to see what they had to say. You know I thought all three of us plus you could knock some sense into him." she said.
"I don't think anyone can…it seems he made up his mind" she said choking up as the tears started to form again. Her best friend took her into her arms and held her. Brooke eyes Nathan and Haley trying to prove a point that Lucas' decision is not the best solution for any of them. "It's going to be alright Peyton…It will be. He'll come around"
"I really don't think so Brooke. He has changed so much. It's like he says he cares about me and the baby and that's why he is doing this. But this is killing me. This is hurting more than those empty words he uses, or the drinking he has been doing lately. But he is still leaving, he is still leaving me. It's just…why do I keep pushing everyone away?" she wondered the same question that puzzled her in high school. She questioned and wondered to herself all the time. And Lucas's answer was always 'they are not me'...but here it was, Peyton Sawyer had done it once again. Another person was leaving her. But this time it was the only guy she ever truly loved. The guy who promised that he wasn't like the rest of them. Brooke didn't know what to say so she just comforted her rubbing her back and kissing her forehead.
Nathan and Haley, who seemed to be finishing up their discussion, over heard the last words utter Peyton's mouth. They couldn't help but feel for what she was going through. Just then their house phone rang disrupting everything they were thinking. Haley answered it.
"Hello"
"Haley…" she heard a quiet, tired, sad voice escape from the person she once considered her best friend.
"Luke, are you ok?" Haley quickly asked at the sound of Luke's voice. At the mention of his name Peyton's ear shot up listening very carefully to the next words that were about to be spoken. Even if she was pissed, her heart was still with him, she was beginning to think it would always be with him, no matter what.
"No yea I'm fine. Is she there?" Haley took a sigh in relief and looked at Peyton who could tell there was nothing wrong with him.
"Yea she just got here. She is fine." Peyton relaxed a bit, he was alright, there was nothing wrong with him. She tried to imagine what were the choice of words he used to ask about her. She knew he would be worried about her with the way she stormed out of the house and into her car. In a way she wanted him to worry, as selfish and cruel as that sounds. She wanted to have him feel and think of what life would be like without her. She wanted him to realize it was all a terrible decision and that he wanted to make this work. She was so deeply enveloped with her own thoughts she stopped paying attention to Lucas and Haley's conversation. Then Haley came up to her. "He wants to talk to you." she said offering the phone to her. She stayed quiet for a few seconds. What would he said to her? What would she say to him? Did she want to hear his voice right now? She hesitantly took the phone from Haley's hand and put in up to her ear. She was breathing heavily. He could hear her. He sighed deeply at least he knew she was ok. For fifteen seconds they were both content listening to one another. It was as if they were agreeing, apologizing, forgiving through the silence.
"Peyton" he said gently with so much warmth.
"What do you want?" and just like that a shallow, cold, numb version of Peyton appeared. Her pain, anger, fear, and love mixed into one formed this hard, broken shell around her. It was the version that some people recognized as the stereotypical "tortured artist". Or a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch. But to Lucas he knew this version to well. It was just his Peyton. He knew she was just scared and angry for everything he said and caused. He knew this version of her all too well.
"I know how you're feeling Peyton. I just don't want us to part in these terms. I don't want these conditions to be the last time I see you" she stayed quiet. She heard the sincerity in his voice. She didn't want to say something she would end up regretting. So she said nothing. "Listen, my mom is coming early tomorrow and then were leaving tomorrow night. Please we need to talk once more." He paused and again she didn't say anything. "Peyton please say something. Tell me you'll see me tomorrow" tears started to form as a few escaped her eyes. She couldn't deal with the fact that he hadn't changed his mind, he was still going through with the move. He was talking about seeing her one last time, talking to her once more, not leaving in such terms. Thinking about the words…about the consequences scared her to death. Tears kept running as her mind raced with all the possibilities of the future and how they may never see each again. It was too much for her. And with that she hung up the phone staring at a curious Nathan, Haley, and Brooke.
"He didn't change his mind. He is still leaving tomorrow. Karen is coming in the morning. I guess to help him pack. And their leaving together tomorrow night."
"Peyton…" Haley started trying to console her.
"No its ok you got what you wanted" her smug comment hurt her.
"Peyton I didn't want this. I just think this is the best thing for both of you now."
"How is him leaving the best thing for her?" Brooke stands up again defending her best friend. "Who will be with her during the pregnancy?" she questions.
"We will" Nathan says firmly. "I will be there for every appointment. Peyton, we will all be there for you" he said.
"I don't want any of your pity because my husband is lea…le left me" she choked on the ending of her sentence thinking about what would soon be reality.
"Peyton were not pitying you. Your our best friend. You're like a sister to me. I love you." Haley concluded. "I didn't want this for any of you. But Luke staying here is not good for you."
"Peyton she's right. All this stress is not good for the pregnancy. Lucas is fucked up right now and you don't need his shit piling on top of what you're going through. I know him leaving sucks but you need to admit that he isn't the same guy. You need to let him go." At the sound of the words coming out of her brother in law she sat back down on the sofa. Brooke sat with her putting her arm around her.
"I know you don't want to hear this Peyton." Haley began. "But he is right. You need to let Lucas go. He is trapped here."
"Peyton" Brooke started. "Hey look at me" and with that Peyton looked up at her best friend. "Maybe their right" she started which caused Peyton to stand up and shake her head.
"C'mon not you too Brooke…I tho...."
"No Peyton, just listen for a second" Brooke interrupted her. Brooke couldn't believe what she was doing. Was she actually siding with them? In her most calmest, motherly type voice she needed to explain why she had a change of heart. "Maybe if you let him go he will come back to you. Maybe he will change back to the person he was. Maybe he will be his own person again." She just continues shaking her head not wanting to hear what any of her friends are telling her.
"Why can't he do that here?" she yells. "Why does he have to travel to an entire different region of the country to find himself and be his own person?"
"Because apart of him died in that car crash" Haley concluded. "He is my best friend Peyton. I hate seeing him this way. I hate him feeling the way he does. He isn't happy." She said. With the sound of these words, Peyton couldn't hear it anymore. She wanted to escape from all of it. She started to blame herself for everything that happened. She rushed for the door when someone stopped her. As soon as she opened the front door Nathan slammed it.
"Your not going anywhere" he said moving in front of her.
"Nathan let me go" she demanded reaching for the doorknob. But he pushes her out of the way. "I said let me go" she said trying to move Nathan but instead he grabs her into his arms. She tries to push away from him as the tears flow freely from her eyes but his strong grasp doesn't budge. "Nathan…Please..Pl…" she finally gives in as she breaks down sobbing on the floor and all Nathan can do is hold on to her.
"I got you" he whispers. "Were always going to be here for you. Were not leaving" he says.
"I miss him so much."
"We all do" he says still holding on to her tight. "We all do" he repeats himself looking at Brooke and Haley who both cant stop the tears from falling from their eyes.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
It was nearly 4 in the morning. They were all awake sitting by the fire still at Nathan and Haley's house. They heard soft footsteps coming from the stairs. As they all turned around they saw Jamie walking towards them.
"Honey, what's the matter?" Haley asks as she notices he doesn't look good.
"I don't felt good" he says. "My stomach hurts and I feel all weird" he said looking all red. Nathan gets up over to his son.
"Buddy whats the matter?" he asks as he feels his head to check his temperature. "You feel pretty warm bud. How about we get you into a warm bath ok?" he says as he picks up his son. "Hales can you get me that Tylenol cold medicine and a glass of water." He asks his wife.
"But dad, I don't like that medicine"
"I don't either. Its gross, isn't it?" he makes a face to Jamie who just nods. "But if you want to get better than your going to need to have some ok" he does speaking a childish like tone of voice.
"Ok dad" he says as they both go upstairs. Shortly Haley follows with the medicine and glass of water.
"I'll be right back down guys" she tells Brooke and Peyton.
"Take your time" Brooke says smiling. "He needs you guys." And with that Haley went up the stairs following her husband and little boy. Moments later she walks back downstairs. "He is starting to get embarrassed when I see him naked. Nathan is taking care of him" she says.
"Is he ok?" Brooke asks.
"Yea yea he fine. Just a small fever. I think its just one of those viruses" she says. Both Peyton and Brooke nod. A few moments pass.
"I can't help but want all of this" she says looking at Haley motioning to the entire setting they had witnessed of a complete and loving family.
"Peyton, hun your going to get it" Brooke said patting Peyton's legs which causes her to look at her as if she isn't so sure.
"You will Peyton, you just need to believe. He just needs time. That's all." Haley says.
"Do you understand where were coming from?" Brooke asks. "Why we are starting to understand what Lucas is doing?" Brooke questions.
"I get it that he needs time. But why can't he stay with us? Why can't he take all the time he wants with his family?"
"Maybe you can't change him Peyton." Haley says pointing out the reality that none of them want to face. "Maybe none of us can" Again…the truth hurts.
"Why not Haley…Why? We have done so much for one another. I want to be there for him through all of this."
"And maybe he can't with you there. Maybe he cant in Tree Hill. There is so many expectations from all of us. There is so much pressure from you, me, Haley, Nathan…even if its not verbalized…its there" Brooke said which caused Haley to nod her head in agreement.
"Brooke I don't expect anything from him" she shakes her head in disagreement.
"Peyton I know." Haley started. "I know you and I know you're not pressuring him. But maybe he just feels it you know. Like Brooke said it doesn't have to be verbalized. You married one of the few good guys in this Earth who is strong, good, and who had a heart of gold. But something new came out of that accident. And down there is the same Lucas we all know. But there is a new side that I think he himself needs to get used to. He needs to get accustom to his new lifestyle. It's like he is a new born, with a whole brand new set of wings…and just doesn't know what to do with them. He remembers his life the way it used to be and he cant match it. So he gets angry…and tired…and pissed off. Maybe he thinks the best way is to leave as far as possible. Start fresh. Be who he needs to be before he can come back to you and your family."
Haley pauses and takes a breath. Brooke and Peyton are silent by everything Haley had to say. In a way it made sense. It was logical…but Peyton wasn't sure if that's what she needed to hear. As much as her friends were trying to help…they weren't. They made her feel worse blaming herself for his unhappiness and inability to change. She didn't want to let him go. She didn't want to admit that there was nothing else she could do. She wasn't ready for all of that even if it was logical, even if it did make sense.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I cant change.
She didn't get much sleep the entire night. None of them could. Brooke ended up leaving at 7am to go start getting ready to open up her shop. Haley and Nathan went upstairs around that time to do that same. Peyton remained in the same spot by the fire place thinking over everything she had discussed with her friends. Nathan informed her that she could stay as long as she would like. They all wanted to say a few last words to Lucas before he left that night. Everyone was going to go at separate times to say their goodbyes. She was still unsure whether or not she would go and see him off. She didn't want to part on the terms they left things under last night in person or on the phone rather…but she didn't know if she could handle seeing him again. She didn't know how she would react or what she would say. She still had time to think about it. As she closed her eyes she drifted into a deep sleep…her mind drifted as well, to an all to familiar place.
It was exactly a week before the accident, before two young lives were changed forever, or rather 3. It was her birthday. They had an elegant dinner at her favorite restaurant just along the boardwalk. They danced under the stars holding each other in the moonlight enjoying the breeze as it would soon be Spring. The cold weather, the dark nights would soon fade away while Spring would bloom. The flowers would grow again, the weather would be more tame, everything would be restored. It was Peyton's favorite time of the year because it was something she wasn't used to. All her life she knew despair, with her mom dying at a young age, her birth mother dying of cancer just as she got to know her, her father never being around…the list went on and on. She would enjoy the next few months when she could witness all the life that would blossom from the earth.
But she didn't know what the heavens and the earth had in store for her in a week time. She didn't know she was just about to face the darkest times of her life. She didn't know that in just one week her life would be changed forever. Why would she have to experience all this pain, despair, suffering in the most hopeful time of the year. The time of the year where all is rejuvenated in the earth. It was ironic. Some things just don't make sense.
But not tonight. Tonight they didn't have any awareness of the pain they were going to have to endure. Tonight would be a night of happiness, passion, and love. Tonight they were celebrating her birthday in the young Spring night under the stars in the moonlight. It was just the two of them. The rest of the world didn't matter; their jobs were not thought about…there wasn't a care in the world. They just danced…in each others arms, in their eyes, and in their hearts. They were stuck in their moment…or that Lucas and Peyton trance if you will…and they couldn't get out of it. They arrived home at one in the morning, they weren't sure where the night had went. Did they really spend hours and hours dancing. Was there even music the background? Neither of them were sure as they were still caught up in the world that only consisted of the two of them.
"Tonight was perfect Luke, thank you" she said reaching up to kiss him gently on his lips as they stepped inside their apartment.
"There is no need to thank me. I didn't even get you anything besides dinner." He said feeling bad about not getting her a piece of jewelry or even something small. He had just been caught up with work that he wasn't even able to think about what would be the perfect gift for her.
"Trust me" she said shaking her head at his previous statement. "I have everything" she kisses him again tip toeing up wrapping her arms around his neck. "Today was perfect…from the breakfast in bed, to spending the entire day reading, and then eating at my favorite place, and finally dancing. Seriously, I had a perfect birthday" she said kissing him realizing the simplicity of their day and how it reached perfection for both of them.
"Speaking of…since when do we dance?" he laughed thinking. "I don't think we danced more in our entire life than tonight." She laughed along with him. "No seriously, I didn't even realize we danced for that long"
She looked down smiling knowing he was right. Sure they danced at parties and their wedding…but a few slow dance songs…and a few fast ones and then they would call it a night. Never like the way they did tonight. They got lost in the music, in their love for one another it got them to lose track of time, of reality, of life.
"You're right" was all she could say as she looked up at him. "I've never had that much fun dancing…and definitely not for that long" she confessed the truth. She was still in his arms, she didn't want to let go.
"Time flies" he says staring into her eyes and kissing her. "When your having the time of your life" he concludes kissing her again
"Alright, that was a little too corny" she said patting him on his shoulder.
"Oh..yea… was it?" he asked teasing, playing with her. She then lightly grabbed his tie pulling her into him as they shared a deep kiss. She walked backwards into their bedroom not letting go of his tie as he followed her lips ever so closely but not touching, he wanted more, so much more. She gave him a small smile as she looked at his movements wondering what he was going to do. She could tell he was up to something. As they got into the bedroom she suddenly stopped as she saw rose peddles on the floor leading to on their bed and candles placed throughout the entire bedroom. She stopped walking backwards, let go of his tie, as her jaw dropped in aw. She couldn't believe he did all of this, that he planned all of this. He saw the water in her eyes as she still looked in amazement at how pretty the room was decorated. He picked up the remote for their stereo and pressed play, as mix of all their songs began to play. A familiar Cure song comes on and she smiles remembering the time she played his for him, telling him its how she felt about him. She looks at her reaction and knows that she is still shocked, surprised by everything surrounding her.
"Lovesong" she whispers the title of the track.
"Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again" he whispers the lyrics along with the song as he walks right behind her singing in her ear. She closes her eyes as she feels his touch and hears his voice in her ears. He places his hand on her waist allowing her to turn around into him. "Too corny?" he questions referring to their teasing conversation before they entered the bedroom.
"I love you" was all she wanted to say, all she needed to say as a tear of happiness escaped her eye and she kissed him with all of her heart. He slowly brought her to the bed as she sat down while he hovered on top of her never releasing from their kiss. She began to scoot back making a way for him to follow on top of her. She began unbuttoning his black long sleeve dress shirt taking it off of him. Slowly they continued to take of their clothing, piece by piece they undressed one another taking their time. It was as if they were savoring each moment before another part of their body would be exposed. Their kisses were slow but full of passion and energy. He was so gentle with her placing soft kisses from her head down to her toe, he wanted to make tonight last forever. She held on to his entire body; his defined ribs, his masculine back, his soft shaggy hair. He was beautiful she thought as she explored all the familiar places she loved ever since she was a teenager in high school. Not a single part of their bodies went untouched, unkissed…unadored when he gently entered her. She just cooed his name in love, ecstasy, and passion. And just like that they were dancing, transcending the act of sex or even the act of making love. What they were doing was much more than that…it couldn't even be described. If only they knew this would be the last. If only they knew that in a weeks time that they could never have any of this ever again. Or perhaps, they did know. Perhaps, in some transcendent way their subconscious, their biological being did know. For in this one night they explored new levels of passion and physical intimacy. In this one night they found a new, different way of communication. In this one night they created a life from their love, from their connection.
In the moment, in their trance, they didn't realize how important, how special, how unique this moment would actually be for them…especially with how they future would pan out. Perhaps, things do make sense.
She woke up suddenly realizing she had been asleep all this time thinking about their last time together. She looked at her watch and realized it was already 2pm. When did it get to be that time, she thought? She must have slept for nearly seven hours. She needed to go home, she needed to see Lucas. She quickly took a shower in Nathan and Haley's bathroom and then got into her Comet and left. The entire way back to her house she thought about her last birthday and their last night together. She thought about how perfect and special it really was for the two of them. These thoughts reminded her of how strong and unique their love really was. It brought them a miracle of a child. And it was theirs. It would always be Lucas and Peyton's child. The thought brought a smile to her face. She knew what she had to do wouldn't be easy, but he was right, she needed to talk to him before he left. She didn't know what she would say or what he would say…or even how they would react to one another. All she knew was that she needed to.
As she approaches closer to her house she sees Nathan and Karen outside packing Lucas's Honda CRV up with all of his belongings. She takes a deep breath before she gets out the car and sees Nathan right by the drivers door waiting for her. He brings her into a hug.
"I'm proud of you" he said whispering in her ears. She doesn't say anything she just looks out at Karen not sure what her reaction would be or what she should even say. She lets go of him noticing that Karen and Peyton are footsteps away from each other just looking into one another's eyes. Their both second guessing of what the other's going to do that they don't know how to react. "I'll leave you two alone" he say to both of them getting back to Lucas' car and getting everything in there. The young girl still watches off Nathan and can't look at her mother-in-law back in the eye as she begins to cry.
"Oh Peyton" Karen says rushing over to give her daughter in law a warm hug which causes her to cry even more. "It's going to be ok" she says just like any mother would say.
"I failed you didn't I?" Peyton said.
"What? No…no you didn't"
"I did. I failed you." She begins backing away and leaning on her car as Karen keep shaking her head whispering no. "I told you that I would take care of him after the accident. I told you not to worry that I could handle it. And I couldn't, I failed you" she repeated again.
"You didn't fail anyone. You didn't fail me. And you certainly didn't fail Lucas. I know your trying to be strong here, but no would could even try to tackle on what your handling right now" she said looking at her telling the truth as her eyes began to tear. "I don't ever want you thinking that honey. You know what" she said beginning to smile. "You're going to make me a grandma" she placed her hands on Peyton's shoulders and brought her in for a hug. " You have no idea how happy I am about that. It's God's miracle. Just like Lucas was for me" she said referring to her situation with Dan.
"Karen how am I going to do this?"
"You're going to be fine. You have all the help in the world in Nathan and Haley…and Brooke. And you will always have me…and Lucas" she said. At the mention of his name she looks down and just shakes her head.
"He is leaving me." She said.
"No, he's not." She says in a stern voice. "He is just leaving the situation. He is leaving the cards he has dealt and he running away from them. Don't ever think this is about you." She said.
"Why are supporting this Karen…him leaving his family?"
"I don't know what else to do other than support him at a time like this. Even if this could be a big mistake. I don't know" she said truthfully. "All I know is that I don't want you in a stressful environment being pregnant. I need a healthy grandchild" she says bringing Peyton in for another hug. "And as for Lucas I will support whatever he wants. He is my son" she concludes. She never really could quite grasp the strength of Karen. She was able to raise Lucas into the man he was when Dan left her cold, and able to raise Lily after Keith passed away, and now here she was supporting her sun after this tragic accident.
Moments pass and Peyton makes her way over to Nathan who informs her that Haley is still with Lucas. He tells her to go on ahead since they have been over for about an hour. She heads inside their apartment and walks towards their bedroom as hears Haleys voice carry throughout the apartment.
"I hate you for doing this…especially to Peyton."
"God Haley" he says frustrated.
"Lucas she doesn't understand why you're doing this?" she says raising her voice.
"Don't you though?" he says matching her voice.
"In some ways, yes Luke. Ok. I just don't think you know exactly what you're doing. I'm just not convinced this is the right thing to do"
"Haley. I'm not going to analyze what the right thing is to do before its too late. There is no right thing in this type of situation." His voice was loud and clear. There was a pause for a moment. "I'll keep in touch, don't worry." He said softly.
"Just come back to us. Just come back to your family" she said.
After briefly overhearing their conversation she made her way away from the bedroom and tried to look for something to keep her busy. Her mind was in far too many places to actually think of something to do. She couldn't help but think what she was going to say and how he would react. Five minutes later Haley walked out of his bedroom wiping a few escaping tears from her eyes.
"How is he?" Peyton asks.
"He is ok I guess. I'm glad you're here. He wants to see you" she says.
"Are you taking him to the airport?" she asked.
"No…no I can't" she says looking back at the door of where her best friend lies. "I can't." she says again looking with sadness in her voice and sorrow in her eyes. Peyton just nods understanding. "Nathan said he would…I mean unless you…" she says motioning.
"Oh no. It's taken me everything to get me here" she says.
"Yea, well I'll leave you two…" Haley says. "Come by later or call if you want to"
"Ok" Peyton says as she turns about to walk towards the bedroom. "Hey Haley" she says stopping her from about to leave the apartment. "Thanks" she says with a soft smile. Haley just nods before leaving.
She took a look at the door handle and took a deep breath before opening the door. Their eyes met. She could tell he was happy to see her. She didn't know how to feel or how to look. She just stood motionless staring at him.
"Peyton…" was all he could say.
Bye, bye its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I cant change.
But please don't take it badly,
Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
At the sound of her name come out of his lips, she rushed over to him into his arms. He took her with open arms, resting his head on the nook of her shoulder closing his eyes, inhaling her scent. She put her hand on the back of his head running her hands through his shaggy hair. She didn't know how she let this happen. She didn't know how she got into his arms, how they fell so easily into this moment where it was just the two of them. She wanted to stand strong, tell him how she felt about his moving away, and then leave. But at the sound of her name, all the memories of them together rushed back into her head, their last time together wouldn't escape her mind, the fact she would be bearing his baby in a matter of months wouldn't escape her mind. She didn't think about the hurtful things he said or what would happen in their future. She didn't want to. Lucas was surprised on the other hand for how she reacted. He wasn't even sure if she would show up…he wasn't sure if her anger and pain would keep her way from him…but now she was in her arms, like old times.
"I'm glad you're here" he whispered in her ears. She wasn't sure if it was a light switch when she heard these words…but they hit her back to reality. He wanted her here for one more time, one last talk…so they can part on good terms. Again, she wanted to run away from those words, she didn't want to face them. She slowly back away from their long embrace and stood up and faced the other direction. Anger, pain…tears filled her eyes, she wouldn't allow him to see her this way. "Peyton…" he pleaded. "Please…"
"Please what…" she said turning around looking at him. "I know what you want me to do. You want me to make you feel less guilty for leaving." She paused as more tears escaped. She had to wait til she caught her breath before she could continue. "I don't know if I can do that" she told truthfully. "I don't know if I can accept all of this" she said not looking him in the eyes.
"Peyton…hey…look at me" he said but she still avoided him not wanting to face him, face whatever he would say. "Look me in the eyes" he pleaded and finally looked at him. "I don't know what else to do. I can't help the way I feel."
"So what now? We get a divorce?" she questioned. "Will I be expecting a letter in the mail with you filing a divorce?" the questioned pained him, none of this was ever his intentions.
"God…no"
"Then what is this a separation?" she question.
"Peyton no, ok I don't know what this is. Why does it need a label? With this situation were in, I don't think it can be reasoned to a name or categorized into something most marriages go through…"
"I don't think it could be understood" she said finishing.
"Apparently you have all the answers then" he said in a smug way. "What do you want me to say Peyton? What can make this better?" he asked in a bitter sarcastic way.
"Stay" she said in a soft voice looking up at him. His heart broke for her.
"And then what?" he said matching her soft tone of voice.
"You really want to go don't you?" she said looking at him with a somber tone of voice. In her heart and in her head she was convinced he really didn't want to go. He didn't know what to say to that. As he tried to stutter for the right words she caught him off guard. "Then go" she concluded. "I guess it's in my nature, to push away everyone I have ever loved" she said softly slowly turning away and walking away from him.
"No Peyton" he yelled which caused her to stop dead in her track but refused to turn around "Don't do that. Don't make this about you. This is all on me. It's my fault." He concluded. "I'm the one to blame"
"I pushed you away." She admitted walking closer to him pointing to herself.. "My expectations…everything" she said so softly looking down at her feet in embarrassment.
"Your expectations, the way you are, the way we were…it's making me strive to want to change. It makes me want to be a better person, a person I know I can be. I just can't do it in Tree Hill, with everyone we know, all these memories haunting me…especially with the way I feel." She listened to everything he had to say and stood there quiet. A few moments passed, she didn't know what else to say. What else was left there to say?
"How long?" she asked very quiet.
"I honestly don't know. I don't want to lie to you." he said looking up at her trying to search in her eyes to see what she was thinking.
"People always leave, right" she said finally meeting his eyes.
"Peyton…" he said as tears formed in his eyes, which caused her to have the same reaction. He didn't know what to say or do. Everything his wife doubted, feared was now coming true. He was heartbroken because he knows he caused her heart to break. He was leaving her. She searched in her eyes to see what he was thinking, but didn't get anywhere. She waited for him to say something, anything…but nothing came out. She gave him a small nod before kissing his forehead. He felt her tears come down from her face and land on his. She got up and left shutting the door quietly. He just sat there in his thoughts wondering if anything he was doing was the right thing.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause Im as free as a bird now,
And this bird youll never change.
And this bird, you can not change.
He stayed in the silence thinking through their entire conversation, re-playing it all in his head. He was someone completely different he thought, he shook his head in disgust, not believing that he was actually going to leave his wife and his unborn child. They would go on without a father…without a husband. He grew angrier at the sight…at the thought of himself for causing all this pain and heartache. She didn't deserve this new, changed person.
He wanted so badly to fastforward the next 6 days, the next 6 months, the next 6 years, just to see where they were…what they would be doing. What would his son or daughter be doing? Would he be in their lives…would he ever change…would they ever accept him back if he were to change? He wondered so badly if this was the right decision. If what he was going to do would be right in the end. He didn't know…he had no way of knowing.
His mind continued to race through all their memories together; the one full with happiness, and the ones with tears, the days they had arguments, the nights filled with passion and ecstasy. No matter what would happen, he would never forget the seven years they were together and all those moments they shared. He certainly didn't think this was what life had in store for them.
He couldn't believe how drastic life had changed in the past few months. He couldn't walk anymore. He wouldn't be living at home anymore. He wasn't Lucas Scott anymore.
Lucas Scott promised his wife a long time ago that he wasn't the like the others, that he would never prove her theory that 'people always leave' correct. He thought of himself as a new being. A broken, tired, ungrateful version of the person that he used to be. A new born…born into unfortunate circumstances or an adolescent striving to break free from his home, taking for granted everything that was around him. With these thoughts, how could he stay? He couldn't. He would have to learn how to live like this. He needed to test out the waters of these new circumstances, find the good, find what was right with this situation. He needed to learn to take life for what it is and love what he had left of it because he knew there was so much he still had.
He just couldn't here. And he knew he couldn't.
Breaking his thoughts his mom came in the room and sat beside him. She knew what happened with him and his wife wasn't pretty. Peyton came out of the apartment crying gave a small hug to Karen telling her to always keep in touch before getting in her car and leaving. And hear she came in seeing her son looking out in sadness, contemplation, and maybe it was her imagination but she thought she saw a sign of regret.
"Mom, do you think what I'm doing is the right thing?" And just like that he felt like he was five years old instead of twenty-five asking his mother for advice.
"You need to follow your heart Lucas. It hasn't led you wrong thus far." She admitted honestly. Lucas just nodded knowing what he had to do…what he needed to do.
Lord knows, I cant change.
Lord help me, I cant change.