Hello everybody! Chapter 10 already, yay me! Thank you again for the lovely reviews, keep them coming!
After six years...
Meredith's POV
Med school. After two months of traveling through Europe and partying like crazy, I made my decision. Yes, my mother doesn't agree, but it's my life. Whether she thinks I can be a doctor or not, doesn't matter anymore. I am here, at one of the Ivy League Colleges and in a couple of years, I will be a surgeon.
Why my mother doesn't think I can be a surgeon? Simple. She thinks the pressure will be too much for me. She thinks that I will relapse when I am under stress. She just doesn't get it. She never has and she never will. It isn't the stress, it's been her all along. She makes me think I will never be good enough and her doubting my ability to become a doctor definitely proves my point.
It isn't like I will never skip a meal again, she is right about that. What she just doesn't get is that I would also be skipping meals from time to time if I were a lawyer or worked at a shop. I mostly relapse when I feel alone, felt like nobody cared about me. I relapsed when I thought people didn't look at me because I am ugly. That's when I would relapse.
My roommate isn't here yet, so I choose one of the beds and start to unpack my stuff. It's not much but my plan is to start all over again.
'No, Mom, I can unpack by myself. I know how to decorate a room.' I look up when I hear that voice. It may have been six years but I can still recognize it anywhere. Six years later and I still hate how I left. Running, the only thing I know how to do. I dated all my way through my majors. Dating might be a big word, I had one night stands and sometimes I would sleep with the same person twice. None, however, could even get close to the feeling Cristina had given me.
'You don't unpack, you just throw everything on a chair or the floor or your bed.' I say when I hear my roommate enter the room.
Isn't it funny how we can get so close to a person in a years time? Isn't it funny how everything can change in just a second?
She must have been shocked to see someone already there, let alone answer her, because I don't hear her respond. Or maybe because it was me. My back is still facing her while I unpack my own things by my soon-to-be bed but I know that she knows that it's me. I can feel her gaze, boring holes on my back.
A minute or two has passed, but to me it was like an eternity, she turned to her mother, 'Mom, could you get the other box out of the car?' She finally manages to say. I remained fixated by the bed, unmoving, my back still turned to her, I no longer want to unpack. Only when I was sure that her mother had left the room, I turn around to face her and try to give her a smile.
'Hello, Cristina.' I tell her softly.
'I can get a new room.' She offered. I know I messed up by leaving her. By running back to Boston and changing schools, but this?
'Do whatever makes you feel comfortable, I don't mind. How are you?'
She just looks at me with her emotionless face and starts to unpack. 'You don't get to do this, Meredith.' She finally says. She might be right, I screwed her up like this.
I knew she was having a hard time back then and I knew she was dealing with a lot of stuff. I pushed her too hard and she got scared. Any normal person would have stayed and worked their way back to the point they previously were in the relationship. But not me, nope. What I did was the stupidest idea in the history of forever. I called my mother the next day and told her she was right about Cristina. That Cristina was indeed poison for my brain. It wasn't fair, even back then I realised it wasn't okay to blame my own behaviour on Cristina.
Maybe we could have handled even that, we have had worse. But I made it even worse, she kept calling me and texting me and mailing me. And what did I do? Nothing. I ignored everything and changed schools. All because Cristina was scared.
She has changed, I can tell just by looking at her. The walls around her are thicker than ever before. She looks more emotionless than ever and at the same time she looks like she is going to break down any second.
Her mother comes back with some more boxes and the conversation, or whatever it was, stops immediately. She turn her attention back to her mother and I return to my unpacking.
When I am finally done with unpacking, I walk out of the room, I hear there was a party in one of the other houses and since I didn't have anything else to do, I could better get drunk and forget about this all.
For weeks we don't speak to each other. She basically lives in the library and I am constantly at parties. We don't see each other that much and in a way, I am glad about it. Every time she is in the bathroom longer than she normally is, I start to worry. But it's not my place anymore and as far as I can tell she doesn't have wounds on her arms like it had before.
I went on a date with a second year med student, she wasn't all that great, but at least I wasn't sleeping around anymore. I looked at my watch to confirm the time, I know I'll still be able to catch Cristina in the room if I hurry. It was still an hour or so before she leaves to go to the library. It's not like I was taking mental notes on her schedules or anything. I immediately went back to our room after the date. Just as I expected, she was still there, 'Cristina, we should talk...' I start and we both know what I meant with those words.
She looks up from the book she had been reading. 'You left and never looked back. Why would you want to talk now?'
'I hate how I treated you back then, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I got scared and I did what I always do, I ran.' I look at her, I try to pour everything that I'm feeling with my eyes. It has always been told that our eyes are the windows of our souls, right? That if you look deep within you can see the person's sincerity? If I can't tell her how sorry I am with my words maybe my blue orbs can speak to her soul.
'And how can I be sure you won't run this time?' She has a very good point there. So much for my eyes being windows. Frigging proverbs.
I try again. I have to tell her every thing I feel. I owe her that and so much more, 'You can't. I will probably hurt you again and I will run away a couple of times, but running away from you has been my biggest mistake.'
'You know, I would have forgiven you if you had called or mailed or whatever. I would have, because I knew I had been running from you for a long time, too and you always waited for me. But now, it's been six years, Meredith. Six years and I don't know if I can trust you. You hurt me and the stuff that happened after you left can't be forgotten.'
I have a bad feeling about her last sentence and I walk closer towards her. 'I know it's not my place to ask... but what happened?'
She sits up in her bed and pulls the blanket around her. She looks so vulnerable right now. Not sure about what I should do, I walk towards her bed and look at her for a couple of seconds. She doesn't move away or anything, so I sit down beside her.
'Cristina?' I ask softly.
'It got bad... really bad... I can't let you do that to me again. I won't survive.' She softly tells me.
'What did you do?' I softly ask.
She doesn't answer me in words, she just pulls up her sleeves and holds them before my eyes.
'Oh, Cristina, what did you do?' I ask her while taking one of her arms in my hand. With my thumb I go over the vertical line on her wrist.
Cristina's POV
It doesn't feel right to let her in this much. She, in a way, did this to me. I know it's not fair to say that but it does feel like it.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. Until that day I had told myself that she was coming back whenever she fixed her own problems:
I called everyday for the first month, but as days and weeks gone by, I called less and less. She never picked up her phone. All my mails went unanswered. Now, it was the day I first saw her. Had you told me last year that she would only stay in my life for less than a year I would have laughed at you.
Even on this day, no call from Meredith. I hadn't spoken to Callie or Addison in a long time. They tried but I didn't let them in. A year ago, a blond girl walked towards me and gave me hope, a year later, I let go of the stupid idea hope once was. There wasn't any hope left for me. People don't love me, they don't want to be around me. They run away from me when they finally see how truly broken I am.
My father wasn't here anymore. Meredith wasn't here. I had friends who weren't trying as hard as they once were. The only thing I have left is my dream to become a cardio surgeon and to be honest, I don't know if I can be one. Who wanted me to operate on them? Nobody, so that dream wasn't realistic anymore.
The therapist say that when people finally make a decision, you can see it. They are happier and it seems like a heavy load is taken off of their shoulders. Decisions mostly lead to new doors, and for me, it will only lead to one more door and I am okay with that.
I never was a quitter, but everybody leaves. Two envelops on my desk and last couple of hours are all that is left for me in this world.
I lock myself in the bathroom and take one of my knives. I had made my decision and... God, what good it felt. The letters, one, for my mother and one, for Meredith. The knife was on my arm. After that, it all became a blur. Somebody screaming. Somebody pressing down on my wrists. More voices and then nothing. Blackness takes over. Finally, peace.
My parents were on their way, the nurse told me. Apparently, the Psych Ward was full for now and they had put me on the Surgical Wing. Weird right? Put the suicidal kid beside a kid who will be having surgery tomorrow and who is fighting for his or her life.
A hand on my back wakes me up from the memory. 'I don't want to talk about it, Meredith. It's too late. I once loved you, I really did. Now, I just can't let you hurt me like that. The talking was good, I got my closure now and I hope you did, too.'
She removes her hands from me and asks, 'Can we at least be friends again?' She doesn't look at me, she only stares at her hands.
'Meredith, you broke me. I want to let you in again, but if you run away, I don't think I will be able to deal with it. For now, I would love to end the silence between us. I know it's not much, but it's all I can give for now.' I did not intend to hurt her. I just wanted to be honest.
When she finally looks up to meet my eyes, I can see what my words did to her. Tears are streaming down her face and the only thing I want to do is take her in my arms and kiss her. Why do I still have so much feelings for the person that destroyed me? I was doing better, I got a chance to start over again and forget about the past. All of that is gone now.
I give her a last look and get up from my bed. Staying in this room won't be smart. I have to get out and calm down before I do something stupid. Trying to figure out a pace that will get me out of here fast but on the other hand not fast enough to give Meredith a bad feeling. I walk out of the door and towards the entrance of the house.
It's a big house and lots of people live here, where else would the students live? The campus building I live in is pretty luxurious. We have our own bathroom and there is more than enough space for two people to live comfortably in it. On campus, there is lots of different housing but my parents had to choose the best one for me.
Downside from the large building would be that there is no place to really hide and freak out. Well, you could do that in one of the many public spaces, but I was starting over again and this time, I didn't want to be the crazy one.
I sink down on the ground beneath a beautiful oak tree. It's calm here and that's exactly what I need. The tears I have been holding inside for such a long time are starting to roll over my cheeks. First, quietly but the longer I sit here, the louder my sobbing gets. It feels nice to let everything out.
'Hey, are you alright?' A voice calls from not so far away.
I take a couple of deep breaths and look up. 'I am fine.' I just tell the person in front of me. I remember him from one of my classes, he definitely has a crush on me, why else would a stranger stare so long at another person?
'Yeah, I am so not believing that. Don't know why you are crying outside in the cold, but at least let me buy you a drink. There is a nice little pub down the street.' I look at him in surprise and give him a watery smile.
'That would be great...' I can't seem to recall his name. Why can't I remember his name? It's something like David, Dave... something like that. He must have picked up from my mental battle or he maybe he can just really read minds.
'You don't know my name, do you?' He asks laughing. Yep, he can read minds. God, this is so humiliating.
'Well... why don't we introduce ourselves properly?' I suggest while taking his hand so he can pull me up.
'Darren. First year med student, as you hopefully know. And you are Cristina Yang, the most promising student from our class.' Yeah right, Darren, close enough!
'Nice to meet you Darren!'
please review and let me know what you think of this chapter. I also would like to have some ideas from you guys, so tell me what you think should happen!