Chapter Nine - James' Despair

31st of October, 1981

The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix

James could hear his friends arguing with Dumbledore. He had never wanted to be with them so much - even being in hiding before was better than this.

Their shouts were cut off, and Dumbledore came into the hall looking solemn.

"Professor..." James started.

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows to show that he was listening.

"Would you mind if we stopped by at Godric's Hollow? I want to see if I can pick a few things up, for all of us, before we move on."

Dumbledore pressed his slender fingers to his forehead and took a long breath. "Yes … but James? This will not be easy for you. I am afraid there is one aspect of the plan that I have not yet explained, and going to Godric's Hollow will make it harder."

James nodded slowly. "Okay...?"

"James, if we go to Godric's Hollow, you have to swear that you will do exactly as I tell you, even if you desperately don't want to."

James nodded again. "I swear," he said, his voice shaking slightly.

"Take my hand, James."

James pulled Lily close and reached out to take it. He realised it wasn't just his voice that was shaking.

Godric's Hollow

With a loud CRACK, four people appeared outside the Potter's former residence. The house had collapsed, it only reached two-thirds of its previous height.

Dumbledore looked up and down the now empty street nervously. It looked like it was about to rain. "Let's get inside. And be careful. I'll try to keep the rubble from falling on us."

James walked through the open gate and up to the door. It was only held on by one hinge. He paused in the hall. There was a lot of rubble as it was an epicentre of sorts; the epicentre of the blast. He picked his way through the rubble and found his way into the front room, which was relatively unharmed. Dumbledore followed him in and drew the curtains shut with a flick of him wand.

James laid Lily down on the sofa, and turned to Dumbledore, who had made himself comfortable on an armchair, a blanket-wrapped Harry on his lap.

"I'll be a few minutes," he said. "We had a couple of bags prepared, in case we needed to run."

Dumbledore smiled kindly. "We have time, don't rush yourself too much - as long as we leave in about twenty minutes then it will be fine."

James left the room and made his way up to his bedroom. The house had felt like a prison at times, but he'd do anything to get back to before Voldemort arrived.

James checked his watch. That was only about what, three, four, hours ago? It seemed like years. It was nearly midnight, as well. James shook his head to try to clear it. He'd think about it all after, when he had time on his hands.

Luckily, his bedroom seemed quite unscathed, so he lifted up the floorboard and took out his box, leaving it on the bed while he found the rucksack Lily had charmed months ago. It could fit almost anything inside. He put the box in it, then continued round the room, putting in anything useful or meaningful. He scoured a few rooms like this, leaving just enough to make it look as though he'd never been back there.

In went photos, birthday cards, love notes, James' favourite jumper, Lily's favourite book. He threw in food from the kitchen as well, just in case. Finally, when the bag was so heavy he didn't think he'd be able to carry it for long, James went back to the living room. He threw in a couple of photographs for good measure, and turned to Dumbledore, who'd been examining Harry's scar.

"All sorted?" Dumbledore asked kindly.

"Almost. The only place I haven't been is Harry's room - it looked fragile and I wanted some assurance that I wouldn't fall through the ceiling."

Dumbledore smiled, the first genuinely amused one all evening.

"Bring Lily," he said. "We will disapparate from there."

Lily and the rucksack were almost too heavy for James, but Dumbledore performed a little spell which lightened the bag considerably.

When they reached Harry's room, it was fragile indeed. James lay Lily down on a chair and edged round the outside of the room to the wardrobe. He was opening the doors when Dumbledore's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"James, you won't need anything from there."

"But what about Harry's things?" James asked in confusion.

"James, I'm sorry. But you can't take Harry with you."

The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix

Sirius was frozen. Literally. The only things he could move were his eyes, and they darted to Remus' face, trying to say what his lips could not.

Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius and kept them fixed on the door. If Death Eaters found them … he knew they could not enter the house, but he was still a little worried.

Both men were terrified, but pretending not to show it. They both still had tears on their cheeks from saying goodbye to James. They both were scared about where James was going. And they were both terrified for Dumbledore's return.

Godric's Hollow

James took a step towards Dumbledore. "What are you talking about?"

"James, I'm so sorry. But you'll have to leave Harry here. He has to believe that you're dead too - he's the main person that has to think that! And that means he can't stay with you. If there was another way, then I would do it, but there's not. I'm sorry."

James walked round the room until he reached Dumbledore. "I can't leave him! He's my son!"

Dumbledore bowed his head. "I know, and I am sorry about this, more than anything, even more than Arian-" He stopped himself, but James didn't seem to care about what he had nearly said.

"Where will he go? Will he live with Sirius? Or Remus?"

"I'm sorry, but he will be left here, until the crime is discovered, then he will be taken into my care. I will have to decide where the safest place from him to live is. If my suspicions about the scar and the events earlier this evening are correct, then the safest place is that of Lily's sister."

James snatched Harry away from Dumbledore. "I am not leaving him here!" he yelled. "Not so that he can be taken away to people who will despise him, and will never, ever, show him love or kindness!"

Dumbledore waved his hands in a calming motion. "James, think about the number of people you will be saving. And you promised you would do as I said. Please, don't make me force you."

"YOU'RE ALREADY FORCING ME!" James screamed. "YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE MY ONLY SON TO LIVE A MISERABLE LIFE JUST SO HE CAN SAVE THE WORLD BECAUSE YOU CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE ELSE TO DO IT! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT HIS FEELINGS!"

"James!" Dumbledore cried desperately, but James had already drawn his wand and had pointed it at Dumbledore's throat.

"James, please." Dumbledore tried again, but the wand did not waver. With a small sigh Dumbledore looked James straight in the eye. "I'm sorry."

"Do you think-" James began angrily, but he was already being thrown backwards and Harry was in Dumbledore's arms. He placed him gently in the cot and somehow that seemed to trigger something, as he woke, crying.

James got up and ran over to him. "Oh my baby, are you okay? I promise that you're safe now," he mumbled through a tight hug, his face in Harry's hair.

"James..." Dumbledore said sadly. "Say goodbye. Please."

James kissed Harry's forehead and placed him back in the cot. "I'm not leaving him," he growled.

Dumbledore stepped over and lifted up Lily. "I will be back in less than a minute, James," he warned, and then with a CRACK they had vanished.

The Forest of Dean

It was fairly noisy in the forest. The rain smashed off the leaves and the sound seemed to echo in the remarkably dry area of dirt and fallen leaves. So it was surprising that the arrival of Albus Dumbledore holding an unconscious Lily Potter scared off the few animals that still were hanging around.

Dumbledore had to search for a few seconds to find the place he was looking for, but it soon appeared: the entrance to a small cave. After checking it for life, he slipped awkwardly into it, carrying Lily. He and Gel-, Grindelwald, he corrected himself, had discovered it many, many years ago, and made it slightly more comfortable.

There were a couple of mattresses, and a small stove that they had put in when they found it. Dumbledore laid Lily down on one and checked the rest of the place. It had changed very little. Looking in the small mirror they had stuck to the wall, it appeared that he had changed more than the hideout.

He went outside and quickly hid the entrance, setting a couple of protective spells on it. Then will a swirl of his cloak he was gone.

Godric's Hollow

"You left her?" James yelled, when Dumbledore reappeared - on his own. He quickly put a giggling Harry back down in the cot.

"Only briefly. We are just leaving, anyway," Dumbledore shot James a pointed look.

"I've told you, I am NOT LEAVING HIM." James shouted.

Dumbledore put his face in his hands. Then he looked up. "James, I have tried my best. So, I have to apologize for this."

"What-" James started, but Dumbledore had muttered a spell, and James was being dragged away from the cot towards Dumbledore.

"No!" he screamed hysterically. "Please, no!"

But he had nearly reached Dumbledore's outstretched hand.

"Please, no!" He yelled again. "Harry! I love you! Please!"

And then he reached Dumbledore's hand. James winced, expecting the twisting feeling of apparation, but instead feeling only Dumbledore's grasp on his shoulder. He looked up. Dumbledore's face was twisted, twisted in pain. Dumbledore glanced down at him.

"Oh James! I'm so sorry," he half wept. "I wish there was another way! And I'm sorry to prolong the agony." He pointed his wand at Harry. "Confundus!"

James eyes widened along with Harry's, who promptly sat down and began sucking his thumb.

Then Dumbledore and James disapparated.

The Forest of Dean

James fell over when he arrived in the forest, and not having a clue where he was, rolled over and was promptly sick.

When he had finished retching, he sat up and tried to make sense of where he was. It had been many years since he had thrown up after apparating, he thought to himself as he took in the trees, the vomit, and the cave that the crying Dumbledore was revealing.

His mind was spinning so much, trying to process everything that had happened that night - Harry, Lily, Remus, Sirius, Harry, Lily, Harry - that he didn't realise Dumbledore was leaving until he felt long fingers gently ease the rucksack from his back.

He looked up to see Dumbledore's tear-stained face leaving the cave. "Lily and your backpack are in there. I've put all the necessary protective enchantments on the area, and this time I will be your secret keeper. I have to go now, but I will be back soon, as soon as I can explain to you everything that's happening. If you need anything, send me a Patronus message. You have your wand, don't you? And Lily has hers?"

James nodded mutely, holding up the pair of them. He'd rescued Lily's from the house.

"Good," Dumbledore tried to smile, but it didn't quire reach his eyes. The sparkle in them seemed to have vanished.

"Good luck, James,"

With a swish of his cloak he was gone.

James checked his watch - it was one in the morning. He looked around himself, and realised that he was dangerously close to the puddle of vomit. Luckily none of it was on him. He edged away from it, towards the cave. Looking in, he could see Lily's immobile figure lying on a makeshift bed, and the rucksack beside her. She'd be waking up in about a week. And he'd have to explain it all to her. Every single thing.

Keep it together James, he told himself.

Which meant he had to remember everything.

James put his head on the ground and began to cry.

A/N

And ... cut! Sorry to have such a depressing chapter here, but it's all part of the plan. Anyway, here we are, hardly any time after the last chapter! I'm proud of myself! Hope you enjoyed it!

Also I received a question on the previous chapter, so I thought I'd put it up here in case anyone else wanted the answer!

Q: How does Dumbledore know about the timelines?

A: I always got the feeling that Dumbledore was actually quite good at guessing the future, despite what he thinks of divination. Also, he does seem to know about everything, and here I quote Arthur Weasley "he doesn't miss a trick, that man" so I just presumed he would have some way of predicting that Harry would be able to destroy Voldemort, but only if he had motive.

Also, still no more than one review! I'm almost begging, please please please review and I will love you forever! But thanks to the lovely person who did!

Soccerisawesome19 - Haha sorry! And this chapter might have brought them all back again, so sorry! :-S but thank you! Much appreciated! :D

Please review, I'm honestly grateful for every single one, so please just keep them coming!

Also, thank you very much if you followed/favourited! I love you guys so much!

Until next time,

Jenny xxx