Title: I Care Too Much
Character: Harry Potter
House: Slytherin
Name: Dramionefan4life/Tiff
Link: http : / / www . youtube . com / watch?v=eHbNU9WuVgw
A.N.: This story contains brief mentions of self-harm. It's how I took the story so if you don't like it, please just don't read it.
Harry thought about the events of the past year. His fifth year at Hogwarts was the worst one yet. The Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Dolores Umbridge, had had it out for him since his "trial" the summer before. During the year, she gave him detention every time he did something that she didn't approve of, which seemed to be almost every day.
Due to her lack of practical instruction, Harry created a club to teach others defense. It worked out well until Umbridge broke it up. He had managed to teach the others enough to protect themselves before that happened though, which was more than Umbridge could say.
The most notable thing that year was his visions. Whenever Voldemort had strong feelings about something, Harry had a vision of what he was doing. After he saw Mr. Weasley get attacked, Dumbledore had him start Occlumency lessons with Snape. Let's just say those didn't turn out well.
The worst came at the end of the year. The vision showed Sirius in trouble at the Ministry. In retrospect he wished that he had told someone instead of running off on his own. If he had, Sirius likely would still be alive.
That was two weeks ago. Two weeks of blaming himself for Sirius' death. People tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have known it was a trap and that Sirius would die. It fell on deaf ears though as Harry didn't believe them at all. It was his fault. Nothing anyone said or did would change that.
What most didn't know was that he relationship he had with Siri was a lot deeper than godfather/godson. Through letters and secret meetings since Siri's escape in Harry's third year, the two had fallen in love. No one knew of course, except Remus Lupin. He wasn't sure how but Remus knew without being told. He was happy for them even if he thought Harry was a little young.
Everyone believed Harry's guilt came from Sirius being his godfather. Remus however knew that it was from killing his lover, the only man who ever truly loved him.
Thinking about all this brought the tears and pain back tenfold. Harry looked down at his arm and the knife in his hand. He couldn't stand the emotional pain of it all. The guilt was too much. He brought the blade to his already scared arm. He dragged it across and watched the red river run across his wrist.
I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
My scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel
Cutting probably wasn't the best way to release the pain, but it was the only way he knew of to not focus on his emotional pain. Physical pain allowed him to think of something else. His relatives decided that this summer they wanted him to be invisible instead of working his ass off. Though it was nice to not have an endless list of chores, this summer he really could have used the distraction.
He looked at the clock beside his bed and saw that it was only three o'clock in the afternoon. There were still too many hours in the day. He decided to go out for a walk, maybe it would help clear his head.
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just want to be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
'Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
Harry looked up at his window with glazed eyes. He had gotten back from his walk several hours ago, bottle in hand. After several hours of being alone in his room, he was effectively drunk.
Incessant pecking on his window reminded him of the owl that had arrived. He slowly rose from his position on his bed and stumbled to his window. The owl he let in looked a little peeved at the speed in which it was let in. As soon as Harry took the letter from the owl it left. He looked down at the letter and recognized the hand writing as Remus. He opened it wondering what Remus had to say.
Harry,
I apologize for not writing sooner. Sirius' death has been hard on me. He was my best friend. When I lost him to Azkaban, I lost myself. Getting him back only to lose him again…it was almost too much to handle.
I realize that you are probably having an even harder time than me. For this reason, I tried to get Dumbledore to agree to let you spend the summer here, but he refuses. I will keep trying but you will probably have to wait until your birthday to leave your relatives.
I am worried about you; so I am going to pop in at midnight to check on you.
Until then,
Remus
Harry looked at the clock. It read 11:55. Oh great. He'll be here in five minutes. This should be interesting.
He sighed and went back to his bed. He might as well be comfortable for this conversation.
Promptly at midnight Remus appeared in his room with a pop. Harry tried the best he could to hid the scars on his arm and his drunken state. "Hi, Remus."
"Hello, Harry. How are you holding up?"
"Not well." Harry started crying, something which seemed to be a normal occurrence as of late. "I miss him so much, Remy."
"I know Harry. He would want us to celebrate the life he had though and not mourn him too much."
"Not mourn him? How do you expect me not to mourn the man I love? He was everything to me, Remus. I miss him so much! I can't just move on with my life like nothing happened, especially when I'm the reason he is dead."
"I know you feel responsible, Harry but you aren't. He loved you so much. He thought you were in danger so he went to help the man he loved. He once told me he'd give his life to save yours. He has proved just how much he meant that, just how much he loved you."
Harry was outright sobbing. "He shouldn't have been there at all. He shouldn't have been trying to protect me. He shouldn't…he shouldn't be dead! He should be alive, holding me in his arms." Harry broke down. Remus brought Harry into his arms as he cried for all the times he wouldn't have with Siri. He cried for the man he loved and lost.
It took fifteen minutes for Harry to calm down enough to stop hyperventilating and another fifteen for him to calm completely.
"It's all my fault, Remus. He'd be alive if it weren't for me." Harry subconsciously rubbed his wrist. Though it wasn't bleeding anymore, it was still tender enough to get him some relief.
Remus noticed Harry's movements. "Harry, what's wrong with your arm?" Seeing that Harry had no intention of telling him, he grabbed Harry's arm. "Harry, what have you done?"
Harry pulled his arm back. "It doesn't matter what I've done. You do what you need to to get through this and I'll do what I need to do."
"Harry, that's not healthy. There are other ways to get through the pain."
"But not ones that make the pain go away."
"You need to stop this, Harry."
"Don't tell me what to do, Remus."
"I'm only looking out for you."
"I don't need you to look out for me. The last person who did is dead!"
"Harry, I care…"
"I think it's time you left, Remus."
"But, Harry…"
"I said leave! Get out!"
Remus wanted to protest but he knew now was not the time. "Fine, Harry, I'll leave but I will be back soon." With a pop Remus was gone, leaving Harry once again alone in his room.
I tear myself open,
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel
Weeks passed and with it more scars appeared on Harry's arm. At one point he tried to stop but he found himself drinking more. He had to choose the lesser evil of the two and he decided he'd rather mar his arms then drink himself stupid.
He had to admit, he was a little surprised that Remus hadn't come back to check on him. Maybe he realized what a lost cause I am and that his time was best spent elsewhere. It's better this way. Everyone around me dies. I don't want Remy to die. He and everyone else should just stay away if they wish to live.
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
Harry had started to think about ending it all for good when an owl appeared at his window. He really didn't want to let it in, but he knew if he didn't the pecking would get louder and likely attract attention from his uncle, which he just would rather go without. He finally lifted himself off his bed, retrieved the letter from the owl before giving it a treat. Looking at the envelop he realized it was once again from Remus.
Harry,
I hope this letter finds you better than the last. I'm sorry for not writing earlier but I've been busy with Order business.
How are you doing? Have you stopped that nasty habit of yours? I'm worried about you Harry. Please, take care of yourself.
I am hoping to get you out of there soon, at the latest your birthday.
I have to go but I will let you know soon when I will be coming for you.
Take care of yourself,
Remus
"By my birthday," Harry grumbled. "Why did I expect it to be any sooner."
I tear myself open,
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just want to be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself
The weeks leading to Harry's birthday passed much like those previous. He had received only one letter during that time. It was from Remus telling him that he and Tonks would be there to get him at noon, the day before his birthday.
He had the ultimate decision to make, the biggest of his life. Would he join his love in the afterlife or would he go with his honorary godfather and try to move on. He had been thinking on both of them over the past weeks and though his actions had yet to change, he could almost see that it would be worth sticking around in this life.
He caught sight of something out of the corner of his eye. It was a picture of him and Sirius last Christmas. It was the last time that they had spent time alone together. Though they had saw each other and briefly talked at the Ministry, they had been more focused on the battle around them.
The picture was taken during their date on New Year's Day. They had wanted to go out the night before but as the Order was having a party, they couldn't. Someone would have suspected something if they had both disappeared so they opted to stay and make an excuse to go out the next day. They told everyone they wanted to spend the day together, a godfather/godson day. There were some who thought it wasn't a good idea for it wasn't safe. Harry and Sirius won the argument by saying they were going to Muggle London.
They had had a great day and a romantic dinner just the two of them. That was the best day of his life, just being with the man he loved. Harry thought about this love and what he might say about Harry's behavior and actions since his death. He would be disappointed. Sirius would say that I was taking the coward's way out. I can't have him disappointed in me, even in death. It's decided then. I'll try to pick up my life and move on. Maybe I'll find love again, maybe I won't. What I do know is what Siri would want me to do: move on and live my life. I'll use these past couple of months to better my life. With those thoughts in mind Harry went to bed looking forward to moving on, starting anew.
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
When Harry woke up in the morning he packed his things and waited for noon to roll around.
As the clock struck noon there was a knock at the door. Having warned his aunt and uncle that he'd be leaving, not that they cared, he answered the door.
"Hi, Remus, Tonks. I'm all packed and ready to go."
Remus was shocked to say the least. He hadn't expected Harry to be so happy to leave. "Uh, alright, Harry. Grab your trunk and we'll go to Headquarters."
Harry grabbed his trunk and followed the two adults out of the house. They had to walk a little down the street to get past the wards in order to Apparate. He looked at the house once more before they popped away. He swore to himself and his dead lover that he would try to make the most of his life.
I tear myself open,
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel
I tear myself open,
I sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
Our scars remind us
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel