A/N: I really don't think I mention it enough, but Otep is my absolute muse and I wrote the next block of chapters as a whole with Sevas Tra and House of Secrets albums on a loop. And as a dedicated Shadow Soldier, I also speak Otep--like Kizarny--fluently. :D

I thought Bella seemed a little... bipolar this chapter, I'll use the excuse that she's an unstable, emotional nightmare as a teenage girl, because whether we admit it or not... we kind of are.

trapped within the twisting fingers of fear
and all eye see is ewe

that face
those eyes

burning like leprosy

eye can see you there
poisoning the air

—OTEP, Otep Shamaya; Thots

"ewe"
Quote: "is a sheep--most notably used as a metaphor to describe those controlled [willingly] by the herd mentality."

When I woke up the next morning I was sore and tired. My mind was fuzzy and haze was everywhere. I was a having a major case of déjà vu.

The room I was in wasn't my house, but it certainly familiar. The peeling green walls and the ceiling with plastic glow in the dark stars made me close my eyes and sigh in frustration. I was hoping I had been kidnapped and this was just some strange similarity.

I sat up in the bed I was in, which had the same black and blue comforter that smelled like smoke and booze. I saw the small closet with the overflowing junk sticking out of it, the lamp with duct tape around the base of it so it wouldn't cause an electrical fire, and the old computer that was worse off than mine.

"Great," I whispered to myself.

At some point in the night I must have just conked out fell asleep. I honestly wasn't surprised. When I didn't want to deal with something I usually just went to sleep and hoped that I when I woke up it'd all be resolved.

Not the case here.

"I love you,"

"I don't…"

God, he was right, I really was inconsiderate. But I'd known he felt for a long time now, it was part of the reason why we didn't meet as often. He was someone who didn't like to deal with his feelings and I didn't like to deal with complicated situations.

It was so perfect!

I grumbled to myself and stood up from Edward's bed. When I was straight and standing I felt a rush to my bladder and I ran for the bathroom.

As soon as I opened the door I hit a brick wall.

"Well hey there, sleeping beauty!" I looked up and Emmett was grinning down at me. "Where's the fire?"

I squeezed my knees together and mumbled, "potty" before walking around him. The porcelain seat never looked so tempting in my life.

I heard someone outside the door and I closed my eyes tightly. Please don't listen to me pee…

"So, Bella," Emmett said through the door. "You know what's eating Gilbert Grape?"

My eyes closed tighter. So this didn't go away while I slept. Edward was still stewing on this. It could possibly be the last time I spoke to any of these guys again…

"Um… which one?" I asked, flushing the toilet.

"Edward, he's been kind of… quiet this morning." Emmett sounded almost hesitant and unsure of himself for a moment.

When I opened the door he had his back to the wall and his hands in his pockets. His curly brown hair looked messy and his brows were pulled down in concentration.

"Can't he hear you from up here?" I murmured, looking down the stairs.

"Oh, he's not home, left around three." Emmett flicked his head in the direction of the door. "He seemed pretty anxious and nervous and just said he was going for a drive."

My stomach sank.

"U—um, maybe he's still irritated about last night. He's probably still sore and tired." I answered.

"Or maybe he went to eat. Lucky bastard, he should've taken us with him. I'm starving and Esme's already gone."

"I could make breakfast if you want me to."

Emmett looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "You can cook?"

"Yep,"

He put an arm around my shoulders and led me down the stairs. "You know, Bella, I like you more and more every day."

--

After three frying pans of eggs, a plate full of French toast, four glasses or orange juice and two servings of hash browns Emmett and Jasper leaned back in their chairs with grins on their faces.

"That was good," Jasper moaned, leaning back in his chair.

Emmett put a hand on his stomach and nodded. I took my last bite of eggs before going to the pantry to look for saran wrap. Maybe Edward would eat some later….

"So," Emmett started. "You never did tell me why you were with us yesterday."

Jasper leaned forward and put his arms on the table. "We couldn't just let her get caught by the cops."

"Yeah, but you know Edward?" He asked me, ignoring Jasper.

"Kind of…"

"How?"

Emmett continued to dig for information, and I could see why Edward was such good friends with these two. They were both loyal, Jasper trying to stick up for me and keep what he knew about me and Edward a secret, and Emmett trying to dig for why Edward was so upset this morning.

"We have a couple classes together." I answered.

"Yeah, I know, I'm in one of them. He never looks at you." Emmett raised an eyebrow and Jasper's shoulders hunched up.

"They're just acquaintances, Emmett; she's not the reason that Edward was so flaky."

"How do you know?" He narrowed his eyes at Jasper. His head turned back to me. "I have nothing against you, Bella, but if there's any reason that you're bugging Edward I'll drop you like a bad habit."

"Emmett," Jasper growled.

"It's okay, I understand." I murmured.

I turned around and put the leftovers in the fridge next to the milk. There was a neat stack sitting there when I closed the door. Emmett was still looking at me, but Jasper seemed on edge, desperate for a change of topic.

"Do you guys need a ride home?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, guess we do." Jasper laughed. "We all walked to Newtown's last night from work."

"Work?" I asked.

"Yeah, Port Angeles restaurant, it pays a pretty salary, plus the tips are amazing." Jasper explained.

Edward worked? Why didn't I know that? I thought I knew just about everything about him, how could something so basic escape me?

I was so inconsiderate, he was right, God was he right. How could I just be realizing what a selfish person I am now? Why didn't I see this weeks—months!—ago?

I nodded and dug around in my pockets until I found my keys, then I walked to the front door and waited for the two.

I looked to my left and I saw some of the dirt by a big oak with a swing on it messy and everywhere. I looked down at my hands and on my inner wrist where I hadn't washed, there was smear of dirt.

--

The ride to Jasper's and Emmett's houses wasn't too bad. Jasper tried to keep friendly conversation, but Emmett's eyebrows were still pulled down—he didn't completely trust me, and I couldn't even blame him. They both got out at Emmett's, apparently they were neighbours, and Jasper said goodbye with a friendly smile while Emmett waved.

On my way home I didn't really want to think about the consequences that would come. Charlie would probably assume I was at that party last night, if Jacob stayed and felt that it safe enough since he was dating the chief's daughter, I would still be screwed.

And then I had to deal with Jacob…

My eyes wanted to close, but I kept them focused on the road in front of me. While crashing and maybe getting into a coma would stop me from dealing with everything, I just couldn't avoid this.

Either I'd be forgiven and Jacob would think Edward was lying, or he'd dump my ass and leave me.

I couldn't think about Edward, his face was something I'd never get of my head no matter how hard I could try. That expression of complete hopelessness and knowing what I would say was just… horrible.

I really did care about him, he was my friend—maybe even my best friend—and I loved him, just not the way he wanted me to. Teenagers are incapable of real compassion and love, I couldn't try to understand or comprehend how to properly divulge that trust and love onto someone else, I'd only end up hurting us both.

So, in all reality I was saving Edward heartbreak and regret. It just didn't really seem that way now, though.

I didn't want this to be the end, I loved him in one way and that should be enough. We could reconcile, after all, we're good together just like he said.

I kind of smiled to myself and patted my phone in my pocket, we could work this out and still be friends.

Wait, was this being selfish?

I still wanted to be friends… but what if he didn't want to be? If I were him I'd probably never want to see my face again. I couldn't blame him if he called me awful names or even if he hit me. I totally deserved it; I hurt him last night…

I hurt him…

I pulled my car over with numb fingers and numb feet. Oh God, what I have done?

The one thing I never wanted to do was hurt Edward. He was the one out of the three of us who didn't deserve to get hurt. Not just physically like last night, but I hurt him where you couldn't see. I wondered how long he let his feelings sit and fester but couldn't let them out because of how stoic he was.

That was huge for him, to admit something like that to someone. I could have… broken his heart.

My eyes slipped shut and tears poured down my cheeks. He deserved so much better than this fucked up predicament. Why couldn't I be better for him, what kind of friend was I?

I pulled out my cell phone and through the barrage of tears I typed in his familiar number. His phone was on, but it rang until it hit voicemail.

"You've reached Edward Cullen's cell, not here, leave a message."

"Edward," I sobbed pathetically. "I'm sorry… I'm really, really sorry." I wiped the tears from my cheeks and sniffled away at the mucus that was crawling down my nose. "You deserve so much b—better and I don't wanna hurt y—you. I—I'm sorry." I closed my phone and pushed my head against the steering wheel.

I whimpered and sobbed and let out high pitch whines that made me feel like a baby, but I couldn't help it. I wondered where he really was, and when I thought about how well I knew him, I knew where he was. Even in this sheeting rain I knew where he was and I wanted to go to him.

I didn't have that right. I couldn't go and try to explain him how I didn't know how to properly love someone, and I couldn't force myself to. I was just that selfish.

I started up my truck and headed for home. I thought about him in that little field, on his back, in the cold rain and I ached to go find him, but I couldn't. He would probably want to think, maybe wallow for a while by himself before going back to that hollow shell he was always in.

I wanted him to have some kind of emotion, because he deserved that much. No, he deserved a lot more than that, but it was all I could give him.

I shoved the keys in the ignition and once the engine was wheezing and coughing from being in neutral, I headed home. The ride home took forever, but it was because my stomach doing summersaults when I thought of how Charlie would react.

I had completely overlooked that whole situation.

He would suspect I was there, I was sure Jacob didn't get very far and he probably felt safe with Charlie coming down, and then there was the fact that I didn't come home…

Oh God, how was I supposed to salvage this situation again?

Too soon I pulled up to the curb outside the house and saw Charlie's cruiser sitting half on the lawn and half in the drive. I breathed in a shaky breath and swallowed hard before stepping out of the vehicle.

Now or never, I thought grimly.

I walked up to the front door and pulled out my key, but the door was already unlocked. My heart began to speed up, any hope that I had of Charlie being away and fishing had just flown out the window.

I pushed the front door open and the waked into the quiet house. Maybe he was sleeping?

"Isabella,"

Or not.

"H—Hey, dad," I mumbled.

The TV was off and he was sitting in his recliner, a mug of steaming coffee in his hand and he was still in his beige cop uniform. I breathed in a deep breath and went to sit on the couch to his right. I could remember sitting in this exact spot when I was in trouble and I usually ended up crying.

"Let's cut to it, huh?" Charlie never was a man of many words. "I know you were at that party last night. I know there was drinking, and that there was a fight."

I watched Charlie intently; he was looking at the pictures over the mantle. To the far left was a picture of me frowning on a bike with training wheels, and next to it was me frowning on a bike without training. I think he was trying to go back to the time where he would have to yell at me over a party.

"Here's the deal, Bella." Charlie looked over at me finally and I wonder what he saw in my tired, messy expression. "I know you're a good kid and that you don't get in trouble a lot—Hell! At all!—and I'm willing to let you off the hook."

"Really?" I gasped with wide eyes.

He held up a finger and gave me a warning look. "On one condition. I know there was a fight, but what I don't know is how it started. Several of the kids we took in said that Jacob was apart of it, but that Edward Cullen started it." My nails bit into my wrist. "I need to know which one to charge because the Newton's want to know who messed up their yard."

"Neither of them messed up the yard." I said too quickly.

"Just tell me who started it, Bella." He sighed.

I bit my lip to the point of pain and rocked side to side a bit. Dammit Charlie, why couldn't you just ground me like a normal parent?

How could I betray trust on either side? I was still was with Jacob, no matter what happened before, and I owed so much to Edward. Maybe I could just tell the truth for once.

"Um… well, to be honest, it was kind of like they both agreed to fight."

"They agreed?" Charlie asked incredulously. "Alright, tell me how they got to the point of this agreement."

Cop Charlie has now entered the room.

"Well, Edward was inside, and Jacob was outside… and so I had to go to the bathroom, and then Jacob came in looking for me… and then they saw each other… and then they just… agreed to fight."

"Bella."

"It's the truth! I promise you, dad!"

"Alright, after they agreed to fight they just went outside?"

"Yeah, and then they were fighting, everyone saw it, I don't know why you think I know more than anyone else you interrogated."

"Who threw the first punch? Or who attacked who first?"

I thought back, they had both agreed to fight… but Jacob ran to tackle Edward first. How could I rat him out, though?

"I..." I hesitated and swallowed. "I really don't remember, dad."

"Is that your answer, Bella? You don't know?"

His eyes met mine and he look tired and completely disbelieving. He ran a hand through his thinning brown hair and sighed loudly.

"I really don't…" I mumbled. "There were dozens of other kids there, I don't know everything that happened, dad—"

"I heard that you were a part of it, Bella." Charlie's eyes flashed and I stiffened. "I don't know what's going on, but I don't want you to be involved in something like this!"

"Dad, it's not—"

"Don't tell me that, Bella. Anytime two boys are fighting over a girl it's never good."

"They weren't fighting over me." I mumbled.

He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "You sure you don't want to tell me?"

"I really don't know." I gave him my best apologetic look.

"You're grounded for a week. No TV and no leaving this house unless it's school related."

I bit my tongue and nodded my head. That was pretty lenient for all that he knew and didn't hold against me. Maybe he knew it wouldn't happen again. And after this at least I would have an excuse for not going to parties.

"I'm heading off to bed, I got home an hour ago and I'm bushed." He yawned, then stiffened. "Which reminds me, where were you all last night?"

"Oh," How could I have not come up with an excuse for that? "I just stayed at a friend's house; she didn't want me to go home alone… since you would probably be out."

"She," he muttered and shook his head, as if that solved all of his worries. "Alright,"

Charlie rose to his feet and walked up the stares like a zombie. I watched his retreating form and stayed firmly in place until I heard the groaning of his mattress as he bent the springs to lay down.

I breathed out a shaky breath and collapsed into the couch. I ran my hands over my face and resisted the urge to cry.

I couldn't think about all this now, oh God, my future, my reputation. It was all gone, everyone had to know by now what was going on. It was obvious, or at least it was to me.

I walked up the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom, pealing away my clothing from last night and trying not to look in the mirror. My skin felt oily and my hair was just disgusting. I let the steaming, burning hot water drown out my thoughts and my tears mingled with the water to wash away shame and dejection.

Well, however much it could take away.

A/N: I do like this chapter, something about it made me really happy to write it.

To answer a question, a lot of people were wondering before when Bella said that she'd have to go home and be happy with "bear minimum communication from Charlie" if that had anything to do her current situation. The answer to that is, parental guidence always plays a big role in how kids grow up, but I don't think it has a defining meaning or a direct blame to where she's at.

Also, a lot of people are wondering why she's so set and stubborn to go Dartmouth when there's all kinds of colleges. This is her childhood dream, and I know that I have so many stupid childhood dreams that I still want to accomplish, but I hold onto them and work towards them because they're a goal. My cousin's up to his eyes in student loan debts, but he wanted to be a business man, even though he's working at a fiftie's diner right now.

Hope that answers some thoughts. Feel free to ask any others. :)

Don't forget to review!