Baz

Maybe I'm even a bigger disappointment in being a good boyfriend, than in being a dignified son. Because instead of rebuilding Simon after this awful dinner, I only cared about my own anger. I didn't saw him. How hurt he was. I made it even worse by screaming at him. Crowley, I nearly made him fall as I pushed him.

Maybe it's because I'm a vampire, but there was this moment when I just wanted to hurt everything and everyone around me. And this shouldn't happen. That must not happen. But I couldn't control it. It's rare that I'm in such a rage but these words from my father – or maybe even the words he didn't dare to say, made me furious. I knew he doesn't accept Simon and especially not as my boyfriend, but hearing him say that being with Simon is only to get under his skin…Well, that hits. It felt like all this rage which I had swallowed and hid over all the years he had hushed me, had risen to the surface and burst out. I couldn't hold it back.

Now all I feel is weariness. I have to lean against Simon, who barely can't stand either. His face is still flushed but at least he stopped crying. I'm not sure if I did. My face feels so numb, I'm afraid I can't speak anymore.

"We should go back in," Simon whispers. His lips are already blue. How long do we stand here like this?

"I presume," I mumble back, not able to say more. Simon wraps his left arm around my waist and shoves me into the right direction. I guess we look like two snowmen stomping through the storm because I can hardly see any of my black coat.

I know Simon is right. In this damn blizzard, it would be too dangerous to drive back to London. But it costs all my pride to go back into my father's house.

Vera looks very surprised and at the same time very relieved about our return.

"You're back?" she asks and wants to reach for our dripping coats, but I just ignore her and pull Simon – who stops at the middle of the rug – with me. I tramp over the wooden floor so it gets all covered with snow. I hear Vera complaining but I'm too tired to argue. She follows us upstairs, probably cleaning the floor behind us.

"I can show you your rooms," she says and guides us into a corridor to our left. I turn around – still holding Simon's hand – and look at her with one raised eyebrow. "Rooms?"

"Yes," she answers. "The one for Mr Snow's right here," she points at the door next to her, "and the one for you, Mr Pitch, is at the end of the corridor."

Simon's fingers cramps around mine and I take a deep breath. I'm too tired for all this shit. So, I just smile at Vera and pull Simon with me into my room. I shove him through the door and shut it behind us.

The room looks very similar to my old one in Hampshire. There is this huge bed with stupid gargoyles on it, a couch and a fireplace. And then there's also a small bathroom behind a second door. I hope there're no ghosts inside here.

Simon slips out of his muddy shoes and his wet coat and suit jacket, but I just shuffle to the bed and sit down on it. The leftover snow falls from my shoulders onto the blanket. I don't care.

"Merlin, it's so cold in here," Simon complains while he runs into the bathroom to take a towel. He rubs it over his head and tries to dry his hair. Now his curls look totally tousled. I like it better this way. He throws it to me, but I just let it rest in my hands and stare at it. The melting snow drops from my hair into my palms.

"Are you okay?" Simon asks softly and sits down next to me. I don't answer. I don't know why. I guess I just don't know what to say.

"Should we make a fire?" He glances to the fireplace, probably thinking about how to make a fire the Normal way. I could set it in a second but I can't get up right now. I can't even reach for my wand. I keep staring at my hands, watching the drops run down my fingers.

"Baz." Simon touches my chin and turns my face into his direction. I can't look into his eyes, so I just stare at the three moles on his cheek. "Please talk to me."

"What should I say?" I ask, chewing on my bottom lip.

"What are you thinking about?" The water drops on his hand.

"Nothing," I respond and turn my head away again.

"That's not true," Simon whispers and strokes a loose wisp of hair behind my ear. I don't answer.

"You did nothing wrong today, you know that, don't you?" His warm fingertips tickle my cheek. I still ignore him.

"At some point, you would have had to confront your father one way or another. He has to face us," Simon says gently. "Because this is not going away."

"I know," I mumble quietly. I still can't look at him. I don't know why. I don't even know what exactly is wrong with me right now. But I feel so dull. So stupid.

"But then, what's bothering you?" His fingers find mine. His are warm again, mine are still cold like ice.

"I'm fine." I wouldn't believe myself right now either, but I don't know what to say otherwise.

"Are you thirsty? How long didn't you drink something? Do you have to go hunting?"

"I'm okay."

"Come on, Baz. You really start to worry me if you don't talk." He turns my face back to his. I finally look into his blue eyes. But they look so tired.

"It's just…everything," I mutter, shaking my head. "The whole day. It's all so…humiliating. Exhausting."

"I know," Simon answers and moves his thumb along my cheekbone. "But the day isn't over yet." He smiles and leans forward to kiss me. His lips are so hot. They burn like fire on mine. He places one hand on my neck and pulls me closer. The heat from his hand shoots down my back. Some of the numbness leaves my body.

"Do you try to cheer me up?" I ask as I pull back for a second.

"Does it work?"

"Hmm…" Smiling, I take him by the back of his neck and kiss him firmly. My soaked sleeves moisten his collar. He shivers because of the cold.

"Maybe you should get out of this dripping coat," he mumbles on my lips.

"Yeah, you're right," I reply, let him go and throw my coat and my suit jacket on the floor. Then I kick my shoes off my feet. Simon pulls me back on my shirt and my lips find his again. I feel how the blood shoots back into my face, into my hands.

A knock sounds from the door. I jerk back. We both stare at the door.

"I'm not gonna open it," I say with narrowed eyebrows, still one hand resting on Simon's shoulder.

"But we can't just ignore it," Simon says and gets up. My hand drops. I try to hold him back but he already reached the door. He straightens his shirt and tries to order his hair. Then he opens it. Daphne stands in front of him and hands him a fully-loaded tray with leftovers of the dinner. Just the smell makes me feel the black hole in my stomach again. Then she leaves without a word. Simon closes the door and grins at me.

"Hungry?" he asks and comes back to me with the tray. He places it between us and gives me one of the two forks. Daphne must have seen that I wasn't the only one not eating during dinner. Simon couldn't barely eat, either. She's really trying today.

"Honestly," I say, "I'm starving." I pick up a potato and shove it between my teeth. My fangs pop out immediately. Crowley, I could swallow everything down at once. Simon can hardly restrain himself either. But we both try to chew slowly. None of us talks while we eat, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, facing each other. We both get rid of our ties and roll up our sleeves. I cast the melted snow away, dry our clothes, light a fire in the chimney and after a few minutes, I'm totally relaxed. The food, the warmth and the fact that Simon looks fine again makes me feel way better than before.

"I really wish I could eat like that every day," Snow says while we're picking the last pieces from our plate.

"You want to eat Christmas dinner every day?" I ask him, chewing.

"No," he responds, licking gravy from his fork. "I mean just as good as this meal. Penny cooks fine but this is a different level."

"No," I say and fall on my side, pushing up my head with one arm.

"What?"

"I know what you want to say." I stretch my legs and feel my fangs vanishing. "And my answer is and will be forever no."

"But it could be fun," Simon answers and lays the fork back on the tray. "We should at least try it."

"No. I won't go there. I still have a bit of dignity."

"That's overdramatic," he replies and rolls on his belly, placing his head on his crossed arms and looks at me.

"I'm not overdramatic," I say. "I'm just…"

"Yeah?" He grins at me. I try to look serious.

"I just don't think, we're that hopeless. We really should try it again. Maybe it'll be better."

"No. I'm hundred percent sure it won't."

"And I won't do it because then Bunce would earn her full triumph. And I can't stand that."

"Seriously, Baz?" He shakes his head and I watch how a few of his curls fall on his forehead.

"Yes," I say. "She's already dead to me."

"Oh, come on."

"That she really dared to…" I fall on my back and look at the ceiling.

"She just wanted to help," Simon says and tips with his foot against mine.

"Oh no. No. She knew how this would mock us."

"Well, it doesn't mock me," he says shrugging.

"Then you should go there. But without me." I squint at him. His skin shines golden in the light of the fire.

"It's called Couple Cooking. I can't go there alone."

"You can take Bunce with you. After all, it was her idea."

"It was her Christmas gift for us." He lifts himself up and bends over me. His face is hanging over mine now. "And Penny isn't my boyfriend."

I lay one hand on his chest, so he's not crashing into me. "You could act like she's your girlfriend."

"No." He frowns. "That's awkward."

"Everything about a Couple Cooking Course is awkward."

"We wouldn't be awkward," he says grinning. "We would be cool."

This makes me laugh. But then, out of nowhere, a creepy version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer starts playing.

"For Crowley's Sake, you have to change this terrible ringtone, Snow! Can you imagine how my parents would've reacted if it had rung during dinner?" I sit up and Simon grabs for his coat on the floor to search his mobile.

"I thought it was on mute," he mumbles and fishes his vibrating phone out of his pocket.

"Obviously not." I lean against the bedpost. "And who dares to call you on Christmas?"

"Penny."

"Speaking of the devil."

He takes the call. "Hey, Penny."

"Turn on speaker!" I say and kick with my foot against his knee. He turns it on and I can hear Bunce's voice shouting through the phone.

"Hey, Simon! How was the dinner of hell?" she shouts. You can hear people laughing and talking in the background.

"Hey Bunce," I say. "The vampire is also on phone."

"Oh, hey Baz." There's a loud rumble to hear.

"Everything alright, Penny?" Snow asks. He glances at me.

"Yeah. I just have to get out of here for a moment. My family. The house is jam-packed." I hear a shutting door and a few seconds later she's back on phone. "So, now again. How was your dinner?"

I look at Simon. He seems unsure what to say. So am I.

"Wow. Silence. This must have been terrible," Penny says as no one of us answers. "I feel sorry for you, boys."

"Did you just call to ask how our evening was?" I ask her.

"No. I wanted to tell you something." She waits a moment until she goes on. "Well actually, I wanted to tell Simon something."

"Thanks," I mutter with raised eyebrows.

"No… It's just…personal."

"And?" I ask before Simon can answer.

"I just don't know if you're such a big help if I'd tell you." She sounds a bit sheepish.

"Such a big help?" I repeat. "I thought you just want to tell us – Simon – something."

"I mean you would add your shit to it and this would ruin my good mood, okay?"

"I don't…I thought you don't care about my opinion? And Simon would tell me anyway." I poke him because I want him to defend me. He's still searching for words.

"No, he wouldn't," Bunce responds. Simon doesn't answer. Me neither. "You wouldn't, would you?"

"Err…," Snow stutters. "Well, I didn't tell him everything…"

"Nicks and Slicks, you two are worse than my parents! Did you tell him about Micah?"

"That you two broke up because you don't want to move to America and leave Simon?" I say sneering. Snow gives me an angry look. I ignore him.

"Simon!" she shouts and I giggle.

"He would have recognized it either way," he tries to explain. "And I didn't know I wasn't allowed to tell him."

"He is also your friend. At least a half," I say. "Why aren't I allowed to know stuff like this?"

"Great snakes," she groans. "I tell you both. Are you happy now?"

"Like a little child on Christmas day," I answer, fall on my back and cross my arms behind my head. "Let's start your heartache-box-talk."

"I knew why I only wanted to talk to you, Simon," she says, probably head shaking.

"Just ignore him," he responds and rests his head on my chest, holding the phone in his hands.

"Okay. Well. Micah called me today."

"Aha!" I shout and Simon punches me with his elbow in my ribs.

"What did he want?" he asks her calmly.

"He wanted to talk," she says.

"That's weird. Why should somebody call you to talk?" I get another punch for that.

"He wanted to talk about us. He wanted to tell me that he still wants to be with me. Even if I don't come to America soon."

"That's great, Penny!" Simon answers. I remove one arm from the back of my head and start playing with his hair.

"Yeah. And it gets even better! He said that he could study in Great Britain. That he could move to London or at least near London. So, I don't have to leave Europe for now. I don't have to leave you."

"Is this good news?" I tease her.

"You two need me as your babysitter. I have to make sure you both go to this course and learn to feed yourself."

"I will never –"

"When does Micah plan to come?" Simon interrupts me. I twirl one of his curls around my finger.

"In February," she answers. "He wants to visit a few colleges before he decides where he wants to study."

"Wait," I say. "Just to clarify: He moves to London without knowing where he wants to study only because you don't want to move to America because you can't leave Simon?"

"Yes."

"Wow." I'm truly surprised. "Why did you two even break up in the first place when you're so addicted to each other?"

"I thought you know why?"

"Not the dirty details. I only know that Snow was the problem."

He turns his face and frowns at me.

"We didn't break up because of Simon. I'm just not ready to leave London. It isn't Simon's fault. You know that, Simon, don't you? I chose this all on my own."

"I know, Penny. You told me several times."

"Yeah, because you tend to blame yourself for something like this."

"You broke up with your boyfriend, who you always wanted to marry after Watford because you don't want to leave me. Why should I blame myself?"

"Simon," I whisper and ruffle gently his hair. I regret that I even mentioned this topic.

"We're back together now, so it doesn't matter anymore," Bunce says. "Okay?"

He doesn't react.

"Okay, Simon?" she repeats insistently.

"Yeah. Okay, Pen," he answers finally. "I promise I don't blame myself anymore."

"Well, that doesn't sound confident." She clears her throat. "Baz, please remember him from time to time that it wasn't his fault, okay? Sometimes he listens to you better than to me."

"Promise," I say. (Even if I'm not as good at encouraging him as I would like to be.)

"You know that I can hear you two, don't you?" Simon glances over at me.

"Anyway. These weren't all news I wanted to share," Bunce continues.

"What's the rest of the gossip?" I ask.

"Agatha called me today, too."

"What?" Simon lifts his head from my chest and sits up straight in front of his phone.

"Did you only phone the whole Christmas day?" I sit up too and place my chin on Simon's shoulder, so I'm still in the speaker zone.

"Why did Agatha call you?" Simon asks tensely.

"I guess you know why," Bunce answers. Hell, I do. "She was really confused about your phone call two days ago."

"What did she say?" Simon's fingers clasp the phone like he needs something to hold on. I untie his one hand and cross my fingers with his.

"She thought you two were joking. Then I thought she was joking –although this kind of joke is totally untypical for Agatha." There is a short pause. She probably swallows. Then she goes on. "You didn't tell her? For one fucking year?!"

For a moment I'm scared because it sounds like she's standing right next to me and is shouting into my face.

"I hardly spoke to her," Simon defends us. "It wasn't important for her to know. And after all, why didn't you tell her?"

"She was your girlfriend, Simon! I was just a witness in this weird love-triangle. Even if I was totally wrong with everything back then. I still wonder how I couldn't realize it earlier…"

"Did you tell her that I wasn't joking?" I ask impatiently.

"Yeah. I told her everything."

"Everything?" Simon frowns.

"When it started. How it started. It's all so dramatic and romantic – I couldn't stop myself."

"I never should've told you," Simon mutters, shaking his head.

"I even told her about my name for you two."

"You didn't!" Simon buries his face in my shoulder. I pet his head to solace him. "Did you come up with this shit or Penny?" he mumbles into my shirt. I have to grin.

"I guess…it was just…there," I say slowly.

"Anyway," Bunce gets our attention back. "Now she knows about SnowBaz," Simon groans but she continues, "and she was…well, kind of surprised. Confused. Disturbed. Shocked. Every feeling you can have when you find out that your Ex and your dark love interest," I grimace in disgust, "are a couple for one year – and you don't know anything about it. That's hard stuff to process. I still can't believe you didn't tell her…"

"But didn't you say you wrote her?" Simon asks confused. "Didn't it occur to you then that she doesn't know about Baz?"

"The last time I wrote with her was…let me think…August. And we only talked about school and stuff. She barely told me anything and I just reassured her that everything's fine."

"So, now she knows," I say shrugging. "Who cares?"

"My word," Bunce agrees. That's rare.

"Did you do anything else than saving and explaining love stories today?" I ask her.

"Not really. I spoke three hours with Micah and two with Agatha."

"Two hours?" Simon rubs his forehead. "How much details did you tell her?"

"How much did you tell her?!" I respond in disbelieve.

"You don't know how much Agatha can talk when she has…all the feelings she had right at this moment," Bunce answers. "But to change the subject: What happened at this dinner tonight? You made me really curious."

"Sorry, but it's too late to explain this right now," I say. "We probably should –"

"No! Simon, tell me!"

"I'll tell you when we see us after Christmas," Simon answers nervously. He's still leaning against my shoulder. "I'm too tired to repeat all this mess today."

"Merlin, you two are so boring," she complains. "But I want to hear every single detail, okay?"

"Good night, Bunce."