Hey, everyone! This will be a sporadic A/N...

I've been forgetting these: Nothing belongs to me. Of course.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update! I had writers block (and produced a truly horrid first version of this chapter-be glad I rewrote it) and I've been really busy. (I know, I know, the generic excuse. But as a ballet dancer, January/February is audition season, and I'm out of town nearly every weekend auditioning for summer programs.)

Anyway, sorry about that. Thank you for the reviews! I love them! And that random line of o's? It's a page break. Fanfiction wouldn't keep anything else.

Also, a shout out to my brand-new Beta, ThePotterGeek. She is amazingly awesome. She reads my chapters, tells me when my writing's crap, and gets confused at my parts that make no sense so you don't have to suffer. (And it's in no way her fault this chapter took an entire month.)

Mini re-cap: Lily just realized she loves James; he doesn't know.

And I'm going to address a little detail in the story really quickly. You can skip the next paragraph if you couldn't really care less about little canon details...

My Beta reminded me when she read this chapter that boys can't get up the staircase to the girl's dorms. In an earlier chapter, I reference that the Marauders figured out how to beat the charm. And before you get any pervy ideas, I don't do the whole overly-sexualized-Marauders thing. I mean, I'm sure James and Sirius weren't the essence of virginal purity by any means (they were teenage boys, people), but I get nastied out by the idea that they were total man-whores. Some stories make you feel like Harry might have an unknown half-sibling or two floating around out there. Anyway, I prefer to think the Marauders figured out how to get up the stairs in first or second year so they could put frogs in the girls' beds or something equally innocent. (Well, relatively innocent.)

So yes.

I apologize for my author's note that just about beats the length of this chapter.

Here you go!

Chapter 10

My mother had often told me, "A situation is never awkward unless you make it awkward."

I disagreed with this little maxim of hers. Some situations are innately awkward, regardless of what one makes of them.

My current situation, for example.

The awkwardness remained one-sided, for the moment, as James had thankfully not been privy to my realization. I, however, was suffering from a sudden case of "what-on-earth-do-I-do-now?" Over the past week, I had struggled with how to act around him.

I really only had one option, and that was to act as though nothing had changed. If James and I weren't such close friends, I might have been up front about my feelings. I was fairly sure he thought of me as a good mate, though, and nothing more. If that was indeed the case, I didn't want to ruin our friendship.

With that in mind, I did my best to behave normally whenever I was with James. Unfortunately, we were together nearly all day, every day, and my efforts were starting to strain my nerves.

Finally, I decided I had to talk to someone, or my head might just explode. So, I turned to Alice, the goddess of relationship advice. She was kind, insightful, and, of course, had a wonderful relationship of her own with Frank. And I needed her advice. Badly.

That night, I wrote Alice and asked her to meet me in the village during our next Hogsmeade weekend. After I finished that letter, I scratched out a quick note to Marlene as well, informing her of my problems, and set both on my bedside table to mail the next day. When I crawled into bed, I anticipated tossing and turning, but suddenly, bright light was shining through the window.

Blinking in the sunlight, I began struggling into my school robes, then realized it was Sunday. I fished around in my trunk for a clean pair of jeans and attempted to convince my hair not to stick out in all directions, but gave up and tied it back into a wildly messy ponytail. I tucked my letters into my pocket, marched up to the door, and yanked it open.

"Oh! Good morning," said a startled James, his hand poised to knock.

"You're Head Boy, you shouldn't just go marching up to the girls' dormitories," I admonished. "You're supposed to be setting an example for the younger boys."

The corner of James' mouth twitched up. "I'm not sure I'll ever be much of a role-model," he said dryly. "Would you like to go get some breakfast?"

"I have to mail letters to Alice and Marlene," I answered hesitantly. "You don't have to wait for me."

"I'll come with you," he offered. "I don't mind."

"All right," I agreed. We set off for the Owlery together.

"How are Marlene and Alice doing?" James asked.

"Well enough," I answered. "Marlene can't wait to get back to England, apparently."

"And how's Auror training going for Alice and Frank?"

I grinned. "Alice is at the top of her class, I believe. Hopefully she'll be meeting me in Hogsmeade in a few weeks so we can catch up. I suppose I'll be regaled with all sorts of stories from Auror Academy."

He shook his head. "At least you'll know what to expect next year."

I scoffed. "Hardly! But what about you? Your father works with Auror trainees, doesn't he? You should know exactly what's coming."

James laughed. "I suppose so. We may end up competing for top of the class."

I smiled slightly and shook my head at myself, astonished at how much I loved to hear him laugh. "We'll see."

"James!" James and I both whipped around to find an agitated, panting Sirius trying to regain his breath. "God, I've been looking for you everywhere-Peter misplaced the bloody map-McGonagall's looking for you-your dad-injured-Mungo's-"

"What?" asked James frantically. "What happened?"

"We need to go, James, right now. I don't really know what happened, but we're flooing to Mungo's straight away...your mum sent for us. I… I think it's bad, Prongs." Sirius' voice was shaky.

James had gone very white. He reached into his back pocket and turned to me, pressing a mirror into my hands. "Tell Remus and Peter what's happened and give this to them."

He and Sirius turned and disappeared down the hallway.

I stared after them, feeling as though I had gone into shock. In that moment, I realized just how quickly someone's life could change. A few words and a wand could devastate a family forever. I didn't know if I could watch James deal with the sudden, violent loss of his father. How could the enemy place so little value on something as precious as life?

It took me five full seconds to regain my motor functions. I sprinted after the boys on wobbly legs. "Wait!" I called after them frantically, but they were already out of earshot. I slowed to a walk, wondering what I had been planning on saying anyway.
I gripped the mirror tightly and squeezed my eyes shut, as my feet continued unbidden along the familiar path to the Gryffindor tower.

"Are you going to give me the password or not?" came the Fat Lady's irritable voice.

I started and my eyes flew open. "Felix Felicis," I mumbled. The portrait swung open to reveal Remus, looking sleepy and confused.

"Lily? Have you seen James and Sirius?"

I took a deep breath.

"Why haven't we heard from them yet?" I asked Remus tensely.

"They'll contact us eventually," Remus replied. The worry lines creasing his forehead belied his calm voice.

I rubbed my finger across the mirror, smudging it. I tried to clean it with my sleeve.

"Lily," Remus gently moved my hand. "There's nothing you can do about it. The Healers at St. Mungo's are excellent; if anyone can save Mr. Potter, they can."

"Have you ever thought about what it would be like to lose a parent?" I asked him.
"Especially if it was unexpected? Violent? A casualty of war?"

Remus' brow tightened. "I think I can understand what it would be like."

"Then how can you be so calm?" I demanded, feeling unreasonably angry at the pale, composed boy before me.

"I'm just as worried about Mr. Potter as you are, Lily, probably more. I've spent half my summers with the Potters nearly every year since I was eleven. James is like a brother to me, and I don't want for him to have to lose a parent. But if he does, then I'll be there for him, just like he was when my father died in a Death Eater attack."

I froze.

"Besides," he continued evenly, "Mr. Potter may pull through."

"I'm sorry, Remus," I said, regretting my snappishness and insensitivity.

We fell silent for a while until Peter, who had been very quiet all morning, finally spoke up. "Do you ever worry that we're not on the winning side?'

Remus frowned. "You can't think like that. Besides, being the winner-the most powerful-isn't the point; justice is what we're fighting for."

"Even if I knew that our side was going to lose for certain, I couldn't try to hide from the war," I added. "Standing aside and letting evil happen is almost worse than what Voldemort's doing."

Peter didn't look convinced. "But what if we die?"

"Death isn't the worst thing that can happen," Remus said.

"I don't know," said Peter doubtfully. "I suppose."

"Oi! Lils!"

I jumped and nearly dropped the mirror. "Sirius!"

Sirius face disappeared for a moment then returned. "Are Moony and Wormtail there?"

"They're here," I said hurriedly. "How's Mr. Potter?"

"He's going to be fine," Sirius announced, relief evident in his voice. "The healers managed to contain the curse right away. He ended up losing a leg, but that's nothing-they thought he was going to die for a few hours this morning."

It felt as though my insides had just melted in relief-a strange and yet not altogether unpleasant sensation.

Remus leaned back and sighed, his worry lines smoothing out a little. "That's great news. Are James and Mrs. Potter okay?"

"James is still a bit shaken up-suppose I am too, a bit. Mrs. Potter's currently yelling at her husband." Sirius grimaced. "They're having a bit of a family tiff."

"What about?" I asked, bewildered.

Sirius sighed. "Long story. We'll tell you when we get back tonight. Mrs. Potter is insisting we don't miss any school, since he's going to be fine. We'll see you lot in in a few hours, yeah? I've got to go find a way to get some firewhiskey into James."

His face shimmered and disappeared, the mirror reflecting my own face once more.

I set it down carefully on the table and sighed. The day had been a whirlwind, and yet it felt as though it had been centuries since that morning.

"I'm going to go take a walk," I announced unnecessarily. Remus and Peter both nodded absentmindedly. "I'll see you at dinner."

The trip to the Owlery provided me with far too much time to agonize over my jumbled thoughts and worries. Mr. Potter's brush with death had set me thinking. It was inevitable that, in these times, we would all lose someone we loved-more than one person, most likely. My fingers tightened on my letters. Would I lose Alice? Marlene? James? My stomach clenched unpleasantly.

My parents could be in danger, as well. Petunia, too. Despite the mutual dislike between my sister and me, the thought of losing her still frightened me. How many innocent Muggles had been killed in Death Eater attacks labeled as freak accidents?

And no matter what, my thoughts constantly returned to James. I wanted to confess my feelings to him, I wanted to kiss him, have his arms around me. Forget, for a little while, the ugly, ugly world and the fear. I wanted to be with him for as long as possible before something happened. Before one of us died.

I tried to shake off the depression that was smothering me. I couldn't let the war force me into a living death. There was still joy in life. My love for James, my family, and my friends. Where there was love, there was often pain, but there was also joy.

Love was both my reason to keep living and my reason to put my life on the line.

And perhaps love would eventually be the reason we won the war.

Review, please!