The Private Diary of Harry Potter

Summary: Harry begins to have feelings he was unaware of before for the least imaginable person on earth…at least to his mind. SLASH – HP/DM

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters, places, and other things related to Harry Potter belong to J. K. Rowling.

Chapter 10:

December 27

Oh God Diary. What a damn mess I am in now. It never seems to fail; just when my life is looking more beautiful than ever, Wham! It is like the black cloud that has followed me all of my life did not dissipate when the war ended.

I have been sitting here an hour not knowing what to do. I have to meet with Dumbledore in an hour, but I can't sit thinking anymore. I thought I would write to you, maybe it will help me work things out.

About two hours ago, Ron and I met Hermione in the common room and we sat and talked about their vacations. When they had given me all of the details they asked me what I had been doing and looked at me expectantly. I told them about my sessions with Dumbledore and then I went silent.

Ron asked what I had been doing to keep myself busy and laughingly said I was up to something because I had come in so late the evening before. But I didn't laugh with him, I looked up and I blurted it out diary. I have known them so many years now you would think I would be comfortable enough to tell them about something as major as my bisexuality without terror in my heart. I was scared to death however, but determined. Sneaking around to meet with Draco over the next five days and spending what would be a great number of hours less with him each day was out of the question. I adore Hermione and Ron and I want to be with them, especially since they came back just for me. But I have to spend time with Draco now; he is like my boyfriend – even if we haven't really discussed it.

But I was frightened and nervous and as usual when I get like that, instead of thinking about the best way to tell them, I suddenly said, 'the truth is, I have spent everyday of the break with Draco and Draco and I are together now.' My voice was terribly unsteady but I managed to dash it all out just like that.

They both looked at me with the same stunned expression they had looked at me with in Defense class.

'You are friends with Malfoy now?' Hermione asked me after a few silent moments.

I figured neither of them understood what I meant and I knew I had to be more frank. I couldn't look at them though, I looked down in my lap and my voice dropped several decibels. I stuttered through my next statement as if someone were choking it out of me. 'I am - bisexual and Draco and I are together' I said putting emphasis on the last word.

They understood then! Ron flushed a deep red and stood up all of the sudden looking at me like he didn't know who the hell I was anymore and marched up here to our dorm room. Hermione flushed as well, but bless her; she stayed by my side and simply stared at me with astonishment written across her face. I didn't say anything; I didn't know what to say.

After what seemed like ten years she finally spoke though. She schooled her features into calmness, it was evident she was doing it for my benefit. 'Harry, what happened? I mean you liked girls, you always liked girls. I mean, you and I, we were, I mean-" But her voice ran down and she looked at her lap.

I remember swallowing before I spoke and it was loud to my ears. 'I do like girls Hermione. I said I was bisexual not homosexual and what you and I had was, and will always be, special to me. But we just stopped and this other part of me came out and now I am – I am in love with Draco.' I flushed a deep red when I said it; I still don't know where I got the nerve up to say it.

I expected Hermione to react negatively, maybe violently as Ron had. But she didn't. She got up from her chair, walked to mine and sat right onto my lap and hugged me. I was shocked to say the least but I found myself hugging her tightly in return. I felt my eyes starting to sting at her show of affection and I didn't want to let her go, but she eventually shrugged out of my grasp.

Hermione sat down and we talked a bit more, she asked how Draco and I got together and how I figured out I was bisexual. When I told her she assured me that she was not in love with me and that she still supported me and loved me as a friend. I did start crying a little when she finished. It was just like when we were involved in the war effort, she had stuck by my side through thick and thin then too.

She said that she would try to talk to Ron and said rather unconvincingly that she thought Ron would come around soon too. She then told me not to worry about being with them so much during the break even though I assured her I wanted to spend time with them. But she just smiled and said she knew what it was like when you are newly in love with someone. She said that she had been seeing someone also and that is why she knew. However, when I asked her who it was she wouldn't say. She just said, 'you told us when you were ready Harry, I will also.'

That was the only wonderful part of my morning so far. I came back here to see if I could at least talk to Ron a little and he was sitting on his bed frowning deeply. I went over and sat down next to him and apologized for not having told him about me before. I don't know why I apologized; it just seemed as if he would expect it.

He looked up at me with anger in his eyes and he said 'how could you do that with Draco, Harry? How could you be with him? I am your best friend; I have always been your best friend.'

I didn't understand what his being my best friend had to do with my being with Draco, even though I know they hate one another, we all used to hate one another. But things change. I looked at him in confusion because I didn't know what he meant and I said 'what?'

And then Ron started to cry. He was sobbing actually and I felt stunned and really bad at the same time. It was like my deciding to love Draco had broken some trust between us or something. I had no idea why he would react with tears though, I expected anger. The tears made me feel worse than I would have felt if he had been raving and shouting at me.

And then diary, god diary, I still can't believe it. Ron leaned toward me and kissed me! He pressed his lips to mine and held them there. I was astounded. I was so stupefied I just sat there looking at him, his eyes closed, his face wet and red, terribly close to my face and his lips connected to mine. After a few moments my senses finally returned and I pulled back from him. Ron opened his eyes and they were full of pain but there was also hope within their depths.

Seeing it I began to shake my head. 'Ron, I'm so sorry Ron; I am in love with Draco.'

Ron stood up and looked at me like I had just killed his entire family, and then marched from the room.

I have no idea what to do now. I am still in shock, I had no idea. I mean Ron likes me? I don't know when he discovered he liked me or that he might even like men. I want to ask Hermione but I don't have any desire to go downstairs and possibly face Ron; although I will have to leave in a half an hour for Dumbledore's study. After that I am to meet Draco and we are going to do something together. Now I think that we will be having a conversation! I hope he has some helpful advice. He is so beautiful I am sure he has found himself in this situation in the past.

God diary, oh god.