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Chapter 10

The conversation Rumple had been dreading came long before he was ready. After his talk with his daughter, he didn't even realize what was coming next, not until he was there. His body, his very soul seemed to lead him.

"Belle" whispered Rumpelstiltskin her name catching in his throat as he stood before the intricately carved door of her library, the room he'd never thought he enter again after her death. Now though, he had to. His son was through that door, Jefferson had said he never left except to eat and sleep, and if he wanted to explain himself to Nicholas he must go inside. Jefferson had said that Nicholas never left because the library was where Belle was most present, he said Nicholas could feel her there; that that was where his memories of her were the strongest. To Rumple, it told him one thing that his son missed his mother. Rumple stared intently at the door. He wondered if he'd feel her there too. He wasn't ready to go in there and yet he knew he must, despite that though, he felt the old coward in him rising to the surface. In days past, he would have avoided this moment for as long as possible.

"You can't be that coward now. You failed one son, if you don't go in there, you will be failing another" thought Rumple staring at that door still also heavily reminded that when he went in there for the first time, Belle wouldn't be there. He wondered if his son had the same thought upon entering that room after his mother's death. He wondered if it made her death real for him. Then Rumple wondered if it would make her death more real for him as well. After taking a deep breath, Rumple finally managed to turn the knob hearing as the door opened silently to darkness. It was like the light had gone out when Belle died. The room was cloaked in darkness, in mourning for its owner; something Belle would never have allowed. She always kept the room bright and shining, a beacon almost, and as he went into that darkness, Rumple was reminded that she was gone. Gone and never coming back. He became flooded with memories as he was drowned in the darkness of the room and suddenly his thoughts were all of her. Of her, looking content even after she started to get sick with book in hand, a smile ready for anyone that entered to find her that way. Of her smile when he gave the library to her with the guise of cleaning it. Of Belle, secretly designing then sowing her wedding dress in here, of her pregnant, once, twice, three times, with a hand on her stomach as she read aloud.

"I'm reading to our baby. It's never too early, Rumple" Belle had said smiling at him in that way that always made his heart glow. Coming to stand in the center of the room, Rumple breathed a sigh, hearing her words as if they were surrounding him. As if at any moment he would turn, and Belle would be there; but when he did all he found was darkness.

"You shouldn't be here" Nicholas' voice came to him out of that darkness. Before he saw his son, Rumple could feel his anger in his words; and he didn't blame him for it one bit. Instead, he turned around searching for the bearer of the voice within the pure black of the room. Rumple was startled by the sound spinning once more to look for his son.

"I came to see you, son" Rumple called in answer searching for his figure, but not finding it until Nicholas wanted him to suddenly turning around to find him standing like a foreboding figure of mystery in the dark. Nicholas looked the most changed of his three children and Rumple wasn't surprised. He had been particularly close to his mother. He was always by her side, clinging to her skirts in fascination as she taught him everything she knew herself. He had learned to read quicker then Charlotte and Annabelle hadn't even gotten the chance to fully learn from her mother. But Nicholas had. Belle had left him with her wisdom, but that didn't mean that he wasn't like his father. Nicholas had done the same as Rumple he just didn't realize it. They had both locked themselves away. Neither of them knew what to do without Belle there to guide them.

"You miss your mother, as I do. I can tell" said Rumple timidly approaching his son receiving a glare in response.

"She wouldn't want us fighting among ourselves. She always worked to make us a family" whispered Rumple finding he couldn't look at his son as he said it; he knew this was his fault and so did his son, for he glared deeper still. His eyes were sunken, they looked like they had deep dark circles around them; he rarely left the library and he hated to sleep.

"I see her in my dreams" Nicholas had explained only to Grace, who as his confidant, had not told a soul simply taking care of him as was her job now. Nicholas was sick of waking up hoping his mother was still alive. He was sick of finding her grave still a place of impending doom on the castle grounds and staring at it, he was sick of the knowledge that she was dead, buried beneath that tombstone. He wanted his loving caring exceptional mother back. But every time he wished it, he was reminded in his head that death could not be reversed. That was why as he glared at Rumple, he hated him, even as he knew that his mother would have been disappointed by it. But he couldn't help it. This was always the way. Whenever he needed his father the most, he was never there. Instead, something else was always more important, but now his mother wasn't here to make up for it. And Nicholas had finally had his fill of it. That's why he continued to wear black; there was too many things in his life that he was mourning.

The black of mourning for his mother.

"What do you want? You shouldn't be here" said Nicholas his arms crossing over his chest as if to protect himself and raising his voice, he made it clear he wanted his father to leave what to him was a sacred place. Looking at him, Rumple honestly didn't know what to say; he knew his son wouldn't let him explain away his actions.

"I came to apologize to you, son" said Rumple gently wanting to grasp his sons' slender arms as he explained everything, but the deepening of his glare stopped him.

"I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear your excuses—nothing will fix it" whispered Nicholas.

"I know, but we…I…have to try" said Rumple.

"Why weren't you thinking of any of this—of us, when you were locked away? As many excuses as you think you are entitled to, father, nothing can make up for this. You walked away and now…it's too late. I don't need you anymore—please, just leave" exclaimed Nicholas anger radiating through every word. Rumple stood there, ashamed of himself, so much so that he couldn't look at his son anymore.

"Your mother would have wanted us to mend things and be a family" whispered Rumple his voice quivering with unshed tears. The words hung in the air like a very heavy anchor and for the longest time there was silence. Until that silence suddenly ended with his son's violent scream. He didn't need his father telling him what she would want. He knew, and because of that he knew she would have been just as angry as he was.

"Don't tell me what she would want" whispered Nicholas leaving his square of black and moving towards his father his anger radiating from him.

"She would have wanted a lot of things. She would have wanted to be here. She would have been just as mad and angry. She never would have let you just walk away from us when we needed you most. She always made sure you were a good father, something she never should have had to do. No one should have to tell you how to be a father" exclaimed Nicholas his words getting louder with every one that came coming to stand in front of Rumple to look his square in the eye before turning on his heel he stalked out of the room. Rumple felt like someone was crumpling his heart in their fist. It was hopeless, and he knew it. His son's words hung in the air and he knew it was over; he had lost his son. And peering into the darkness of the room, he knew his son was right. Belle would have been ashamed of him. She would have been furious and never would have allowed him to be such a failure as a father. It all brought the tears to his eyes. Deep down, Rumple knew he hadn't just failed his children, he had failed Belle, and, he had failed himself. Because of his desperation to find Baelfire, he had lost Nicholas.