Chapter Ten: I Just Hate How It Sounds*

*One Thing, Finger Eleven

"You're looking entirely too chipper for a boy who has just had his bottom blistered," Snape drawled upon his return from the washroom, "I'd wipe that self-satisfied smirk off your face or I might conclude you haven't learned your lesson."

"You were in the loo an awfully long time," Harry grinned, "You weren't getting blitzed off my Mango Kush were you, Professor?"

"No, just flushing it down the toilet," Snape rejoined nastily, "Something I would suggest you do post haste with the rest of your stash. I'm sure I don't need to remind you that if I find anymore "kush" around the flat, it's RIP your tush."

"Trust me, I've learned my lesson," Harry assured him, as he shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, "But, I think we'd both agree that it doesn't take eleven minutes to flush a blunt down the toilet. What took you so long in there? Are you having digestive troubles?"

"What are you getting at, Potter?" Snape's eyes flashed dangerously, "I don't like your tone."

"You were having a wank, weren't you?" Harry asked brazenly.

Snape threw his hands up in the air, "Christ, Potter! Is nothing sacred?"

"Sacred is a rather odd word to describe masturbation."

"I agree, but I wasn't referring to self-gratification. I meant PRIVACY, Potter. Something I have had precious little of since I moved in with your sorry arse."

"An apt description of my arse at the moment," Harry joked, "Sorry, Severus. I'm being a prat. I just...I don't understand you, you know?"

"What isn't there to understand? I'm a man, Potter, endowed with all the standard equipment and, yes, sexual appetites. Did you think that just because I was your professor that I was an asexual eunuch?"

"No, of course not, sir," Harry felt himself starting to get nervous, "I just didn't realize that you had a sexual appetite for... whaling on my behind."

"Really, Potter? Does that really come as such a surprise to you, all things considered?" Snape sounded exasperated, starting to pacing back and forth the living room.

"Well," Harry started to wring his hands, "The thing is...I'm a man, too. And I thought… I thought you might be straight, sir."

Snape stopped pacing, turning to face Harry, whom he noticed was suddenly looking quite miserable.

"So that's what this is all about," Snape exhaled, his voice no longer laced with indignation.

"I'm curious. Where did you get the idea I was heterosexual, Harry?" Snape asked, sitting down next to the younger man, "Was it the memories I showed you? Of your mother and I when we were kids? You do realize that we never actually dated?"

"No, it wasn't that...well, not only that, anyway. Please don't get mad...but I came home one night after work and saw that you had been looking at girl-on-girl porn on the computer."

"Well, that's embarrassing," Snape gave a nervous laugh, "And it's your computer, Potter. It's not like the time you snooped in my pensieve. What grounds would I have to be angry?"

"I don't know," Harry said softly, "Sometimes people tend to lash out at others in awkward situations, I guess."

"I'm not upset, Harry," Snape assured him quietly, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit mortified… I'm not one to share my sexual inclinations with others. But I'll get over it. I'll be fine."

"When you say that you're not one to share your sexual inclinations with others, does that include me?" Harry asked in a small voice.

Snape sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose while he considered Harry's request.

"No, Harry," Snape said afterwhile in a strangled voice , "For you, I will. You, of all people, deserve to know. I just...I hate how it sounds."

"You're ashamed of your sexuality?" Harry reached out and touched Severus' shoulder as if to comfort him, "It's OK to be gay, Severus."

"Quite right," Snape said tightly, "But I'm not gay, Harry."

"Oh," Harry looked crestfallen, "But that means...you're ashamed to be straight? That's...different. Is it because of me? Did I do something? Or say something?"

"No, no...you darling boy! I'm not straight either. I suppose one might say I'm bisexual, but that might be a bit of a misnomer given that my experience with sexual intercourse is, uh, non-existent?"

Harry smiled warmly at him, "Severus, I've never….well….you know, either. Obviously, I've fooled around quite a bit, but I've never actually had a proper shag."

"It's more than that, though, Harry. Listen, I'm just going to right come out and say it," Snape sounded uncharacteristically nervous, "I'm an equal-opportunity sadist. I get off on hurting and humiliating other people."

"Good thing I like being hurt and humiliated then?" Harry tried to lighten the mood.

"You're far too indulgent of me," Snape shook his head, "In all honesty, Harry, sometimes...it makes me feel like a monster. I ask myself what kind of person derives pleasure from hurting others?"

"Severus, you might be a snarky old git," Harry teased him, "But you're a good person. A really good person."

"The Dark Lord liked hurting others," Severus continued, "And he was the incarnation of evil."

"Voldemort killed people. You dole out spankings. I think there's a fairly sizeable difference between the two."

"I killed Albus," Snape said grimly.

"And did you go home afterwards and jerk off to the memory of his staged assassination? I don't think so."

"No, most definitely not," Snape agreed, "You're right, of course. That's just where my mind takes me when I start questioning my proclivities."

"So...speaking of your proclivities...do you have a lot of, erm, experience with, uh, corporal punishment?" Harry ventured, biting his lip.

"My father didn't believe in sparing the rod," Snape said crisply, "I had my share of thrashings as a child. But something tells me that isn't what you meant. You want to know about my experience administering spankings. Is that right?"

"Yes, if you don't mind telling me. I'm just...curious," Harry said, taking a moment to rub his sore bottom, "You really seem, um, to be a skilled disciplinarian. I could tell from the first time you took me over your knee that you were, uh, well-practised."

"You flatter me," Snape smirked, "You're actually the first person I've had the pleasure of spanking in quite some time. In fact...there was really only one period in my life where I interacted with others with similar inclinations. It was during my twenties, after you had first defeated the Dark Lord and we thought he was gone for good. Between then and a couple of years before you started at Hogwarts, I was fairly active in an S & M community in London. I never had a committed relationship, such as the one you had with your Dom. It was just all...roleplaying...really. I spanked numerous young ladies, and a few young lads as well."

"Severus? Will we...ever be in a committed relationship?" Harry blinked his luminous green eyes at him.

"What's more committed than marriage?" Snape replied wryly.

"You know what I mean, Severus. I just...don't see why we can't be an actual couple."

"This isn't easy for me, Harry," Snape acknowledged solemnly, "I have never fully committed myself to anybody in that way. I might still seem quite closed off to you, but I've already opened up to you and shared more of my life with you than I have with any other human being. Surely you've noticed that I've developed a soft spot for you, brat. Trust me when I tell you that there is nothing more important to me than supporting you, giving you shelter...making sure you're safe. I never want to do anything to jeopardize your health and happiness - even if that means treading carefully when it comes to matters of the heart."

Harry stared at Snape, his affection for his domineering husband rolling off him in waves.

"I'm so lucky to have you in my life, Severus," Harry said warmly, clasping the older man's hands in his own, "If...you hadn't come to New York when you had, who knows where I'd be. Probably on the streets somewhere…"

"I came to New York because I needed to see you. I needed to see you...to see if there was any chance….any chance we could reconcile. I needed to make you understand…" Snape's voice began to shake, as if he were on the verge of crying.

"It's OK, Severus," Harry reassured him, laying his head on the older man's shoulder, "I understand. It's all right. We're together now."