DISCLAIMER: As always, the characters belong to the talented Stephanie Meyers. No copyright infringement intended. The plot and story to Tortured Sole belong to Jessi and danna0724 respectively ©2009/2010
WARNING: The theme of this story is rape, and it is rated M as such, for this and other reasons to come. You have been warned, and if you aren't of age hit that back button now!
A/N #1 (Jessi): Well… I believe Danna sums this one up pretty good in her pre-read A/N. This was starts off a touch lighter with a small glimpse into life after Bella tells Edward she's preggers. Then with a few good times between her and Jake in Real Time… Just a small warning: HAVE TISSUES AT THE READY for when Bella talks with Rosalie… I needed them!
A/N #2 (danna0724): Well, Jessi and I are changing it up a bit here… we hope you enjoy! I have written a bit of this and she has written a bit of this and future chappy's will have some of the same. For the ultimate reading pleasure, we are each tackling different portions of this story. We each have our own styles and strengths, and are bringing the best of both of us to the table with this! She is the creative free spirit and I am the organized and anal neat freak w/ my time lines and color coding…[long story, trust me] As I've said previously, this plot belongs to us, don't be a "ganker", or we will find you and send Aro after your arse! Now sit back, relax, and enjoy. The FB here is from my own personal experience in life, so don't sit back and question telling us this isn't possible… because it VERY MUCH IS! Also, any and all therapy session/questions/comments/etc in this fic are just that FICTIONAL, neither Jessi nor I are psychologists, if you are in need of help, please seek professional help, this is in NO way to be used as a guide for help.
Tortured Soul: Chapter 10
Bella's POV
'Something is definitely wrong.' Is the only thought going through my head. I just know it. No human being can throw up this much and survive. I can't even hold down sips of water, much less food. And now, after my thousandth time retching into the porcelain throne, I spot traces of blood in what I just expelled. I knew my life was too perfect; something bad just had to happen eventually. I have the man of my dreams, who by the grace of God loves me. We have a wonderful home and good careers. A few weeks ago we found out we were pregnant. To say we were ecstatic is an understatement. And now this! What do I do now?
"Honey…Bella, are you okay in there?" Edward asks behind the closed bathroom door.
I cringe. I have to face this. I have to tell him there is something definitely wrong here. I have to go to the doctor and possibly accept what I fear. My fear, I am losing the baby. What will Edward think of me? What will the rest of the family think of me? I just can't bear this.
"Um…Edward, I think you may want to come in here," I state as he enters the bathroom. I look at him with pleading eyes and then nod and avert my eyes to the contents in the bowl.
"Oh. My. God. Bella is that BLOOD?" he says worriedly as he wrings his fingers in his hair out of stress. "That's it, you are going to the E.R. NOW!" he says while looking at me pointedly.
"Okay," I agree softly. I'm stubborn, I know that, but this is beyond me, and I need help.
Edward assists me off the bathroom floor, down the stairs and into the car. His usual fast and law breaking driving is even more intensified by the situation. My seat belt is on, but that doesn't stop me from gripping the 'Oh Shit bars' for dear life.
"Edward, please, calm down and SLOW down, or the pristine interior of the Volvo isn't going to remain intact," I warn.
He relents, but only just slightly. Within a few minutes we are pulling into the circular drive of University of Chicago Medical Center. Edward jumps from the driver's seat and practically runs around the front of the car, opens my door and proceeds to attempt carrying me in through the automatic doors.
"Ugh, Edward, I can walk," I say exasperated with him.
"My wife is pregnant, and something is wrong. We need help NOW," he demands from the front desk nurse, completely ignoring my plea.
I wiggle my way out of his grasp, and look at the nurse apologetically. She smiles warmly at me.
"How far along are you dear?" she asks me kindly.
"Um, about 9 weeks," I reply.
"Well, that's not far enough along in your pregnancy to take you to the Maternity Ward, so we'll get you in over at the Emergency Room," she says.
"Thank you," is all I can muster, as Edward drags me in the direction of the Emergency Room. She follows as quickly as she can, and I feel just awful that Edward is behaving this way. I mean, sure this is serious, but Esme would be horribly embarrassed and what would Carlisle think, knowing his disposition and bedside manner?
"Edward, PLEASE," I plea again. He turns and looks at me, eyes hollow and desperate. He's scared, I can see that now. "I'm so sorry," I start to sob out, unable to control myself any longer,tears breaching my lids and making themselves known.
"What on earth could you possibly be sorry for Bella?" he asks of me.
"I'm messing up, I'm sick and I think I might be losing our baby, and I just…I'm failing you…" I drift off, sobbing even harder now that I've admitted it out loud.
"Oh, honey, Bella, look at me," he says pinching my chin and pulling my face to look at him. "Do you really think that? Do you really think that something like this would make me think you are failing? Baby, I'm worried about YOU, if something is happening with the baby… I just have to make sure you are okay, we can always try again," he trails off as he looks me in the eyes looking for understanding.
"Can I help you?" the nurse in the ER asks.
"Please, this is my wife Bella…Isabella Cullen, she's pregnant, and something is going wrong," Edward says to her in what I can tell is his nicest available tone given the situation.
"Please fill out these papers, and bring them back with your insurance card," she says very monotone.
Edward grabs the clipboard and pen, turns and drags me towards the chairs in the waiting room.
"Sit," he commands, as he sits himself and pulls out his wallet to fish out our insurance cards. He mumbles to himself about the absurdity of the paperwork and how they should be treating me and worrying about payment later, but continues to complete the forms. He gets up and takes the clip board and insurance card to the nurse at the desk and hands it off to her.
"It will be just a few minutes while I get her entered into the system, and then she will be seen by a triage nurse," she states as she slides the barrier glass closed on him.
"Unbelievable, I should call Carlisle, he would know what to tell me to do, to get them to move their butts," he vents. I chuckle because, while yes, Carlisle is a great doctor and very respected in Forks, I doubt he would have pull here at UCMC.
"Edward, I…" I begin, just as the next bout of dry heaves hit me. I make it to the trash can only to double over and heave out more blood.
"Isabella Cullen," is called from the door to the right of the front desk.
"Yes!" replies Edward, as he is practically picking me up, with my trash can in my embrace, and escorting me to the triage room.
~0.o~
"It's been three damned hours, what the hell is the hold up?" Rose asks extremely irritated. Edward had called the family after I was triaged and given a room here in the ER. The whole family is out in the waiting room, but per hospital regulations, only 2 visitors are allowed in here with me at a time. Poor Emmett, Alice and Jasper are just sitting out there waiting.
"Rose, they've taken blood, and ran a few other tests, then they said they would be back shortly to run a 'naso-gastric' tube to check the contents of my stomach and attempt to locate the source of the blood," I attempt to explain.
"NO! This is bullshit, Bella… how long does it take for a few tests to run and get results," she starts to rant just as a nurse with a tray in tow enters the room. The contents of the tray pique my curiosity, I'm not sure what a 'naso-gastric' tube is, but THAT does not look like it's going to be comfortable.
"Rose, why don't we take a step back and let the nurse do what she needs to, to help Bella," Edward chimes in.
"Okay, Mrs. Cullen, I'm going to be frank with you and tell you that this won't be very pleasant, but I will need your help to get this placed. Your nose is quite small, so I grabbed the smallest tube we had. In fact this is the 'neonatal' size," she begins. " First I am going to put a topical analgesic on a cotton swab and rub it on the inside of your nasal cavity, this will tickle and possibly make you feel like you have to sneeze, but please resists that urge. After that sets in for a bit, I am going to thread this tube in your nose and down your nasal cavity, you will feel it at the back of your throat, and you will need to relax and swallow to help feed it down. Do you understand?"
I nod, unable to really reply. I look at Edward, who is just trying to remain positive. He smiles slightly, I'm sure to try and comfort me, but it doesn't work. With as much puking and gagging I've done, the last thing I need is something provoking my gag reflex.
The nurse begins, just as she said she would, and just as she said, when she put the analgesic in my nose, my eyes watered up and I felt a sneeze coming on. After that set for a few minutes, she told me to take a deep breath, and began to stick the tube into my left nostril. She doesn't get it in very far; it doesn't seem to want to go. She adjusts and twists, attempting to force it down, at this point my eyes water up even more, this HURTS like hell, and I then notice the trickle of warm liquid on my upper lip.
"What the fuck are you doing, you sadistic bitch!" Rose yells at the nurse after taking in my tear stained face with a bloody nose. Edward grabs her and pulls her back, attempting to restrain my best friend and sister-in-law.
"I'm trying to be as gentle as I can, but I can't seem to get it to go," she starts. "I'm going to have to try the other nostril, you may have a deviated septum and that might be preventing the tube from going down this nostril."
"Okay," I agree hesitantly. Rose looks furious and Edward looks like it's taking all he has to not shove the tube down the nurses' throat.
She follows the same procedure on my right nostril, and the same thing happens; a searing pain shoots into my eyes and I feel like she's got a hot poker and is attempting to brand my brain.
"What. The. Hell." Rose yells. "Are you trying to mummify her, sticking that up her nose and trying to scramble her brains?"
"You've seen that movie one too many times Rose, calm down," Edward attempts to rein her in.
Even with the pain and the blood and snot running from my nose and the tears down my face, I can't help but chuckle a bit at her. Only Rose would come up with that.
"I'm not able to get this tube to go down, I'm going to go talk to the Doctor assigned to you and see how she would like to proceed from here," the nurse says as she pulls back the tube. I grab a few tissues and attempt to clean my face off a bit, I gag a bit and spit up some blood into that little kidney shaped tray they give you for nausea. At this point, I'm not sure if that's coming from my stomach or from that torture I just endured when she was trying to shove that tube up my nose. The nurse exits the room and in an instant I have Rose on my left and Edward on my right, both touching me and trying to comfort me as much as they can.
"That was just uncalled for," Rose seethes. "How would she like me to shove a magic marker up her damned nose and see how it feels, neonatal size my ass."
"Rose, please…" I begin. Edward was bad enough, now I have her to deal with too? The poor hospital staff just didn't know what was coming when the Cullens arrived.
"Mrs. Cullen," a young girl asks at the door. We all look to her. "I'm Jasmyne, and I'm here to take you to Radiology for a Sonogram."
Fifty-five minutes later, I'm escorted back from Radiology, irritated beyond all belief. As if it's not bad enough that I've now been here for about four hours, and still don't know ANY thing, the technician doing my sonogram turned the monitor from my view and only 'ahhh'd and umhmmm'd' at the damned screen. When I had asked what was wrong, she just simply stated that the Doctor was the only person who could "officially" read it and tell me what the findings are. As I'm attempting to explain this to Rose and Edward, Dr. Anna Martinez walks in.
"Mrs. Cullen?" she questions and I nod in recognition. "Well, I have good news and bad news." She pauses, looks at Edward, then back to me. "The good news is, we know what is wrong with you…the bad news is there is nothing we can do for it." She states simply. The look on my face of sheer confusion must have been apparent, so she continues. "You see, the reason you are as 'ill' as you are, is because you have twice the pregnancy hormones of a normal pregnancy… because there are two babies not one." She finishes, as she holds up two fingers as if to clarify her words and my inability to count.
"WHAT? Wait… two… NOT one…" I begin. At once, three things happened. Dr. Martinez nodded affirming what she had just said, I fell back on my bed unable to process what she just said, and Edward's eyes rolled in his head, which hit the wall he was standing next to and his whole body crumpled to the floor.
"Oh. My. God. Edward just fainted!" Rose screeched. As she made her way around my bed, she ran into Dr. Martinez, proceeding to take her down with her, and both of them landed on top of my shocked and now unconscious husband. I laid there in a daze, watching the circus that was going on in my room, as more aides and nurses rushed in from all the commotion. They are helping Dr. Martinez and Rose up off of Edward and waiving smelling salts in front his face, to rouse him. As all of this is going on, I lay there, with my hands on my stomach, rubbing small circles. Two…NOT one… is all I can think.
"Okay Bella for the last time move your feet and throw your weight into the punch. I want to feel it this time. Right here, Bells." Jacob laughed standing in front of me with his hands up waiting for me to show him what I'd learned about our sport of the day- boxing. I understood enough of the basics, but I wasn't quite strong enough… yet. How he could move that huge bag he had hanging from the ceiling of his garage, I'd never know. I had huge boxing gloves on and it still felt like I was going to shatter my hand. Laughing right along with him, I once again hurled all my weight forward attempting to feel something, anything to my childhood friend in front of me with my next punch. We'd… well, I had been throwing punches at him all afternoon and I don't think he felt a thing.
"All right! And that is how you do it! You're doing great Bells. A natural Rocky Balboa if I have ever seen one."
Rolling my eyes at his absurdity I dropped my heavy gloved hands. Jake hadn't volunteered much about his date with Leah, but I could tell everything went great. Billy had been all smiles when I came down this morning.
"So… are you going to ask me how my date went?" I had been wondering when he was going to bring this up. He had been dancing around the subject all day.
Forgetting about boxing for a minute was a very welcome thought. "Of course I do! Did you do everything just like we talked about?"
Giving me a huge smile, he boasted, "You bet, and it all worked like a charm. She loved it." He paused with a distant look in his eye. "I can't believe it."
Jake's thoughts were like a dropped call, and I was getting tired of staring at a phone with a dial tone. He couldn't just leave me hanging like this. "What can't you believe? That my ideas actually worked" I scoffed. "Of course my ideas were brilliant; dating is something where I can say I have been there and done that."
Jake seemed to snap back to reality. This date must have gone really well. For the first time today his body relaxed and he put down his arms. That was enough for me to say boxing class was dismissed for the day. I couldn't feel my arms as it was.
"She feels the same way."
Well, that came out of nowhere. "Come again?"
The smile that was so Jacob lit up his face. I knew I had understood him correctly. A little 'Jake Jr.' would be running around here in no time.
"Right in the middle of our second pizza and like third round of pool, she just up and said she really liked me, too. And she was the one that asked Billy to see if I would go on a date with her. Can you believe it, Bells? All I had to do was ask, but no I was too much of a wuss to do anything so my Dad had to it for me!"
I was genuinely happy for Jake he deserved to have found that someone special. Him and Leah where perfect for each other; they both liked the same things and were so similar. I think just about everyone saw it except for Jake.
"I told you it would all work out."
"Bells, there is no way you could have seen everything working out this perfect. No way on earth!"
I scoffed at that. Did he not have any confidence in my insight on these things?
"Jake, trust me I knew."
Raising his eyebrow, he quickly retorted back. "Wow, you have been spending too much time around Alice. Do you have visions and dreams and all kinds of shit like that too now?"
We were both laughing. Yes, Alice could be a little odd at times, but that was why we loved her.
"Hey! This had nothing to do with Alice. You leave her and her premonitions alone, young man."
A whole new round of laughter took over his large frame. What had I said this time?
"'Young man', Bella? Seriously? I thought we settled this when we were in high school. Let's see; I was what about forty then and you where twenty-four so… that would make us forty-eight and thirty-two now. I am older than you, missy."
We were both laughing again at this point. It felt good to just let go and laugh. I hadn't done it in so long. A real laugh, with my head thrown back and my stomach beginning to hurt so I had to clutch it, and my eyes beginning to water. It was so unexpected, yet so… freeing, so… normal.
"Okay, okay, you win again. You will always be older. Now, will you help me get these ridiculous gloves off my hands?"
Smiling from ear to ear still, he came forward and began unlacing the stupid things. I had to admit I was getting stronger. So far I had learned about kickboxing and karate and now boxing. I needed more muscle before my skilled punch could do anything, but I was getting better, healthier… inside and out.
"So what's on the agenda for tomorrow? Another new sport for me to kick your ass with?"
He thought for a moment. "I don't know maybe you can pick something to do. I'm kind of getting tired of you kicking my ass every day."
An evil smile spread across my face before I could hold it back. I had the perfect idea. "Do you still have those two bikes you rebuilt when we were in high school?"
"Hell, yes! Bells, I'd never get rid of those things. Are you serious? You really want to take 'em out tomorrow?"
The year I found those bikes and asked Jake to rebuild them for me wasn't the best year of my life. I had just began my senior year in high school and as far as I was concerned my reason for being had moved all the way across the country and was attending college at Harvard in their law school program.
The bikes had provided the perfect distraction to keep me somewhat occupied. Jake and I spent pretty much every single day together. Building the bikes was something only he and I would do together. I didn't have to deal with Rose or Alice coming around as two more reminders of why I had to physically strive to keep my depression at bay.
"Of course, I'm serious! Maybe if the weather is good we can get in some cliff diving, too. Those are adrenaline rushes I will never forget. But at the moment I am exhausted, how about I make you and Billy dinner? Does that sound good?"
I think his stomach growled on command. I'd have to write out some of his favorite recipes for Leah.
"Your cooking always sounds great. What did you have in mind?" Was he salivating already?
"How about my specialty lasagna? That'll be easy for me to take a piece or two back for Charlie."
I hadn't even gotten out the entire word lasagna and he was already nodding furiously. "Yeah, yeah, we should have everything you need. Well… as long as you don't mind using Ragu. You know that's Dad's secret ingredient."
How could I ever forget? Jake must really love that stuff because I think they lived on that stuff until Sue and I started bringing food and showing them how to make more simple things.
"I'm sure I can manage. You want to help? I could use two extra hands."
"Sure, sure, no problem."
No sooner had we gotten into their small house and Jacob disappeared into his room. Shrugging it off, I figured he just wasn't as trained to help as… others. I began to dig out everything I would need for dinner, until I was startled by Jake's voice breaking the silence.
"Here, I figured you might want this. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I was in stealth mode."
He had a t-shirt that didn't look quite big enough for him. I looked down at mine which was damp with sweat.
"Thanks."
Quickly changing, I came back out to hopefully finish with dinner. Jake was eyeing the uncooked pasta.
"Jake, why don't you chop the onions?" Giving him my least favorite task, we both set to work. "How on earth did you find a shirt this small in your closet?" My question got a mild blush and a chuckle; this had to be good.
"What? I can't help it if the washing machine or dryer, I don't know which one, hates me! That was one of my favorite shirts and one go round with those two contraptions and it fits you!"
I tried to rein in my laughter seeing as he was actually genuinely upset over the shirt, but it was just far too funny. It reminded me of a time when another man in my life tried to take over the laundry detail for the first time.
"All right fine, I see how you are, laugh it up Cullen." I smiled to myself; Jake never called me by my last name… ever.
Flinging some garlic powder at him, I stuck out my tongue at him just in time for Billy to wheel himself inside.
"Hey you two, something sure smells good."
"Some of Bella's specialty lasagna!"
This got Billy's attention. I might just have to consider making two pans. I was feeding three men so I should probably make three. It wouldn't be the first time though; you learn fast that Emmett can devour food. Something I suppose I should have picked up on first from Jake. But, no, I learned the hard way after running out of food at the first family dinner Edward and I hosted. I had never in my life been more embarrassed than having to order in pizza because I didn't know Edward's older brother ate like it was his last night on Earth.
"Hmmm… Bella you just might have to let Leah in on your secret recipe. You kn-"
"DAD!" Ha, welcome to the world of dating, brother. Payback for him laughing at me with Charlie when I brought Edward home, and to think I was beginning to think it would never come.
"What, son? It's not like she doesn't know. Don't think I don't know who you went running to for date ideas." Billy gave me the eye as he wheeled into his room. "Call me when it's ready, Bells!"
I couldn't contain my smug smile. "Sure thing, Billy." Without even giving Jake a glance, I turned back to my seasoning concoction.
That's how the rest of the meal preparation goes. We joke back and forth just like old times as we try not to make too big of a mess in Billy's small kitchen. If I hadn't been missing my state of the art culinary wonder of a kitchen back in Chicago before, I really am now.
When I put the pans in the oven to bake, Jake disappears again to shower this time and change. I set the table and fiddle with some garlic bread to pass the time.
"Billy! Jake! Dinner's ready!"
I can't help but laugh as Billy wheels himself to the tiny table so fast I fear he just might tip over.
"Easy there, Pops. Slow down." Obviously, Jake had the same thoughts.
"Hey, this is Bella's cooking we are talking about here. I didn't tell you to slow down, son."
I hadn't realized how much I missed being over here. Growing up, we all spent so much time together. Whether it was in a fishing boat or out in the back yard or down at the beach, there was rarely a time Charlie and I weren't with the Blacks.
Sitting back I listened and watched, a chef's favorite thing in the world, no talking and the melody of forks scrapping against plates.
After dinner and the dishes were done, we sat in their small family room and talked like we used to, about anything and everything, while not really talking about anything of true importance. They were both avoiding the white elephant in the room.
"Hey, it was great talking to you guys… I know you enjoyed dinner. I'll leave you the leftovers. I'll save a piece for Charlie. I better get going before he orders in pizza." Giving them each a hug and a peck on the cheek, and the promise of coming back tomorrow, I headed back to Charlie's with his plate of food.
My cell phone had rung five times since I left Charlie at the kitchen table to eat his lasagna. I didn't have to look to know who it was though. Next to Alice, only Rosalie was this tenacious, and at the moment Alice wasn't the one who would be calling.
I knew I should talk to her, but I wasn't ready just yet. I had just had a wonderful day, and I wasn't ready to cloud it with my despair yet. She was going to be asking me some tough questions, questions I didn't want to answer, couldn't answer.
"Bella, either answer that damn phone or shut it off or I will chuck it out the back door!"
Silencing the now sixth call from Dr. Rosalie Cullen, "I'm sorry, Dad. I just really don't want to talk about 'it'." He'd know what I was talking about. I may be getting stronger physically and emotionally, but I still had a long ways to go.
As Charlie walked into foyer where I had been pacing, his features immediately softened.
"Bella." He paused. He wasn't good with too much emotion. Neither of us really was. "Rosalie- well, I think can really help you honey." Where is he going with this? Where did this even come from? "I talked to Edward the other day." He did what! "From what he told me you have been doing better since coming here. Bells, you've been outside the house, laughing, cooking… sleeping. Bella, I think you should answer your phone."
I didn't say anything just stood there with this pained expression on my face. Before I could do anything, he was in the family room with a Vitamin R watching Sports Center.
Fully intent on huffing my way up the stairs and slamming my door like I used to do in Jr. High, my cell phone rang again.
"Answer the phone, Bells!"
Sticking out my tongue in the direction of the TV, I angrily flipped open my phone. Damn psychologists!
"Rosalie." My tone was clipped. I wanted her to know I had promised to call her twice a week not the other way around. If she noticed, I couldn't tell.
"Hey, Bella! How have you been? We miss you here." There was so much upbeat energy coming through the phone I almost for a second thought it was Alice.
"I'm fine, Rose." Walking the rest of the way up the stairs, I quickly shut my door. Charlie may want me to talk to her, but he sure as hell didn't need to know what I was talking about.
"So what have you been up to? Done anything else fun? I miss home. Have you gone to the diner?" she started firing at me.
Taking a deep breath, I launched into an overly detailed description of my life since the previous time we talked. I was met with all the appropriate Oh's and Ah's and HmHmm's. It wasn't what I had been expecting. I felt as if I was on pins and needles waiting for the return of Dr. Cullen or at least the mention of Edward's probable future calls to me.
"So what's been happening with you, Rosie?" The sarcasm was no longer hidden in my voice. I knew full well she hated being called that name, but I quite frankly didn't give a shit at the moment. I was mad and irritated, and I really didn't even know why exactly. I just knew I was and I was taking it out on her right now.
"Don't. You. Ever. Call. Me. Rosie. I let you get away with it the night you left, but not right now. Not again."
It had been years since I had heard such venom come from her lips. However, I still had the urge to play with fire.
"Oh, come on, everyone called you that when you were young, even in high sch-"
"You don't think I know that!" Yeah, Dr. Cullen was nowhere to be seen. "Why do you not want to be called 'baby' anymore? Hmmm… Edward used to call you that more than your own name. Why have you changed, my dear Bella?"
A long silence passed between us. I'm sure she was reigning in her anger, while I was trying to fend off tears for hurting my best friend. I couldn't believe I let myself that far out of control. I should be the one to understand more than anyone.
"I'm sorry, Rose. I wasn't thinking per se, I'm so sorry. So… I guess you put that together… about me." My voice was small and deflated… already. This conversation had just begun and I wanted to curl up and cry my eyes out.
"Bella, I only know because I've been there before." She took a deep breath signaling the beginning had come. "Bella, there are a few things I wish to discuss with you. Is that okay?
I thought about it for a split second before I knew. I was getting strong physically and working on my emotional well being with Jake, but Rose was my best friend, a psychologist AND a fellow rape victim. Maybe Charlie was right and she'll be able to help me in ways that I'm not expecting. I just know I have to be careful; I can't chance James finding out that ANYONE knows.
"Okay," was all I was able to confirm at this point, I would let Rose lead this. And then maybe I will have given enough to get help, but not exposed enough to put her or anyone else in danger.
"First off, Bella, I'm going to remind you, that while I AM your best friend, I am also a psychologist, and as such, I am bound to confidentiality laws. That being said, so long as you aren't a threat to yourself or to others, everything you say will be kept between us. I really want you to comprehend that, because, I don't want you holding back," she began.
Oh, did she know me well. What little I have said must have clued her in. Well, here goes nothing. Gonna do it slow though, like dipping your big toe in the pool before you jump in. "I understand, Rose, it's just hard for me to differentiate the two sides of you, because I know how fiercely protective you are of me."
"I can truly understand that, Bella, but you MUST know, that your well being is my concern as your friend and therapist, and IF I need to step back as a friend and be ONLY your therapist to help you, I am capable of doing it," she stated simply.
Whew, one worry down, and countless to go. Now, how to begin? Rose answered my unasked question.
"Bella, I know this is difficult, but I NEED you to try and tell me what you DO remember. Getting some of that out, and more as it comes back to you is going to be the most helpful. Start where you are comfortable and just do what you can handle, okay?" she prodded.
I took a deep breath, and began, "Rose… I know you've figured out that I do know who my attacker was, and I have to reiterate that I can't tell you who it was, so it's vital that what I tell you, you do NOT try and delve any further into, promise me that much, I have my reasons and you will understand, I promise."
"Fine, Bella, stop stalling and just get on with it," she replied exasperated.
"Okay, well…" how do you express this, do you just come out and say it? I didn't really have any other ideas. Taking a deep breath I just started talking. "God Rose, it hurt so bad…the physical pain paled in comparison to the mental anguish I was going through at the exact moment. It felt like time was going in slow motion, every movement; every action was exaggerated and felt so intense." I felt a sob clutch my chest, I doubled over, pinching the phone between my shoulder and head and grabbed my midsection. I was ripping myself open relaying this, I knew that, but it needed to be done. The familiar stinging started in my eyes, as the warm salt water began to pool.
"Go slow, Bella. Remember, there is no pressure here," Rose comforted.
I snapped, "You know the worse part Rose, had I done something different, had I made different choices…" The aching became too much, breathing became a physical impossibility; an agonizing sob tore through me.
Hearing my sob, Rose responded, "Understand this, NOTHING you could have done, could have changed what happened. It was premeditated, Bella, and as such, it was out of your control. This is in NO way your fault. You understand that, right?"
Oh, if she only knew! If I had just been passive and accepted what was happening, and not tried to fight back, James could have had his way with me and maybe, just maybe Nick and Nattie would still be alive. "NO!" I shouted, "I fought Rose. I fought and that reaction made it ten times worse than it should have been. I might as well have been the one to kill them." I began feeling the signs of hysteria creeping up on me, and Rose must have sensed it.
"It is human nature to fight, in fact that is EXACTLY what is expected from you Bella. Statistically, most rapists get off more on the struggle than the actual act itself. So your fighting back didn't make it worse, it's exactly what your attacker would have expected from you," she stated matter-of-factly.
"I don't know what was wrong with me, I couldn't focus, the actual violation itself was aggressive to say the least, but my kicking and flailing, fighting to stop it, it aggravated him…he got more violent, and he hit me…" reliving that first blow was agonizing, "he had thrown me down on the mattress, I…I scrambled to try and get away, he grabbed my ankle and pulled me back towards him…he lurched on top of me and pinned me down, God…his disgusting hands were everywhere…he was rubbing my body, my hips, my breasts…kissing and licking my neck and face, trying to kiss me… like he thought I wanted it or something," I started breathing faster, the words were getting harder to choke out, "he kept telling me how much I would enjoy it and how much he just knew I wanted it…and he kept calling me 'baby' and saying that I was his…" I felt sick to my stomach remembering James' words in that moment. I leapt up and raced over to the waste basket on the side of my desk and dry heaved. The tears were flowing freely down my face, my nose was running and snot was dripping down my upper lip. I was hiccupping and just trying to breath between my bouts of dry heaving. "I didn't want… I felt so gross… so dirty… unclean…" I started incoherently babbling.
"Bella…Bella!" Rose interjected. "I know… I know you didn't WANT it, I know… I know…" was all she could seem to say.
"Rose, I'm sorry, I just…God I can't…" I coughed out.
"It's okay… I understand… you don't have to explain to me that you didn't want it, Bella. I KNOW you didn't and I KNOW you aren't his." Rose replied. "It's dominance, or power play, that attackers use to make you feel inferior and they delude themselves into thinking that you want it from them, that you want them."
"It is?" I was baffled.
"Yes. Psychologically, your attacker is trying to confuse you as much as he is by the whole situation. He had most likely created a fantasy in his own mind and genuinely thought that you wanted what he was doing to you. That's very typical, especially when the attacker is someone who is known and somewhat trusted. It's a delusion that they've played over and over in their head, until they decide to make it a reality."
I continued to cough and hiccup for air. The dry heaving had slowed but the tears and snot were still flowing. I know Rose could hear my garbled breathing and struggles.
"Bella, I think that is probably enough for right now, but THANK YOU, thank you for saying that much, and trusting me this much. I don't want to push you, so please, just… just tell me what you can, when you can. I am here any time of day or night when you want to just vent or talk or even just yell. Although I really need to tell you that you are doing great and we need to continue doing this, just please don't shut down on me now." Rose pleaded.
"No… Rose, you are right… it's time I got this off my chest. It's time I ask for the help that I desperately need; just please bear with me, as it's going to take me some time to get through all of this. I have a lot to sort out in my mind and in my heart," I simply replied.
"Bella, you have no idea how much it means that you just admitted that you need help, you do… it took me so much longer to realize that, than it did you. Just remember, I'm not the only one who is willing to help…who wants to help… just keep an open mind, but remember you aren't the only one who lost your children that night," she gently reminded me.
I inhaled sharply, "Edward…" was all I could whisper. Lost in my own misery, and shut down, I haven't been there for him. I haven't helped him cope with the loss of his children…and his wife.
"Yes," she said quietly.
"Oh, God, Rose…" the tears threatened again.
"In time Bella, in time… this healing doesn't happen overnight. This pain and remorse doesn't go away, but just keep in mind that you aren't the only one that needs to be on the road to recovery, and the journey you are taking, isn't one that you need to take alone."
"Thank you, Rose, thank you… I will… I will consider it," I promised.
"I love you, girl!" my best friend decided to jump in on this therapy session. So much for "complete professionalism", but… I don't think I would have it any other way.
"I love you too, and I will talk to you in a few days," I resolved and I would be too. I would confide in her and accept her help. And with that I pressed the 'end' button on my phone.
I appreciated her dropping it for the night. I had expressed more in the past few minutes than I have in over a year, admitted out loud how disgusted and broken I was. It was liberating and exhausting all at once. Did James really think that I had wanted him? That I asked for him to use me, beat me, and rip away my life force when he took the lives of my children? The last year I have been wallowing in misery, shouldering all the blame for that fateful night and some of what Rose said is making me rethink some of my previous thoughts and quite possibly start placing blame in its rightful place.
It was still relatively early when got my tears and snot dried and hung up with Dr. Rosalie Cullen with a few appearances from my best friend. I was lying on my small bed in my old room looking out my window has I have hundreds if not thousands of times growing up. It was then, the first time in seemingly so long, that I had the urge to write. Springing up out of bed I went digging for my laptop. Firing it up once I recovered it from under my bed I snuggled into some blankets to do what I have always loved.
I opened up the last saved chapter to my newest book and sure enough within just a few pages of re-reading and I was in tears once again this evening. With a new found determination I began typing. I was going to turn this woman's life around. My character wasn't going to sit cowering and sobbing in the shadows. She was going to become strong. She was going to have her revenge. She was going to give me the strength to do the same.
A/N #1 (Jessi): Whew. Well, that was… difficult. I cried when I wrote my partial part to this chapter, and cried when I read Danna's two parts. I couldn't have done this one without you chica! 1.) I have no utter clue about the whole birthing children thing, and 2.) You are the Dr. Rosalie Cullen extraordinaire. You have got her down woman! Thanks for all the writing you helped me out with this chapter. This one was mostly on you, and it turned out FANTASIC!
A/N #2 (danna0724): dun dun dun… (insert dramatic music) Actually… I think the Rocky theme song would be fitting there at the end. Is our tortured, little Bella getting a spine? I do believe so… stick with us, this is just the Breaking Dawn to a new, stronger, woman. What… with all the suggestions we've gotten from our lovely readers on how to get revenge on James, well let's just say, we are all (yes I include myself) [And me! –Jessi waves hand in the air energetically while jumping up and down- Yeah I have to include myself too!] some sadistic fucks…and we are gonna need to have Bella have a personality transplant for some of the suggestions… rest assured… timid and passive Bella is NO MORE! Let's see where she goes from here, shall we?
Okay peeps, the FB story of how they found out Bell's was pregger's with 2, is my story of my own twins. Turns out, I had thrown up so much that I had irritated the lining of my esophagus to the point that it started to bleed, thus making me think that there was blood in my stomach, and I was losing the "baby". Yes my sister was in the room, and yes she really did reference a movie with that "brain scrambling"… 10 points to whoever can tell me what movie that is from! And finally and funniest, YES my hubbs did pass the fuck out when the doctor told us and my sister did knock over the doctor and all 3 of them were on a heap on the floor of my ER room and YES I did in fact lay there, in complete shock… for God knows how long, in fact I might still be there pondering what was just said…nope wait, those 2 voices yelling at me right now are proof that 4 ½ years ago I did in fact give birth.
Now… you know we love it, so can you please do it? You know what we are talking about… hit that review button below and give us some warm fuzzies… I mean really… do you know how fucking ecstatic it makes me when my Android goes off and tells me I have a review… especially when I'm at work ;O) It's truly an inappropriate love I have for the reviews I get, bwahahahaha!