Precious- passenger: "Phew" You were okay with it. Yeah- everything for Carole must be so… yeah as you said- out of control. Actually I kind of loved it too- to be honest. I have no idea if hitting your head can make you be like that… but let's say it can. Yep… and yeah I know, Burt must be heartbroken for seeing Carole like this.
I had the most awesome idea just a minute ago! I mean it. IT'S SO CUTE!
J is for Journal
"Hello!" I walked over the threshold and closed the door after me when coming home from work. "Anyone Ho-oooh…" Alice came running through the living room door and jumped up in the middle of me saying home and hit me right in the stomach with her front paws. "Well someone's happy to see me." She was still standing with her paws against me and I scratched her behind her ears. Carole came walking and leaned against the doorframe. "Hey love. You wouldn't believe what I got at the store… I was buying dog food at feet and paws and I found this tag that I thought would suit Alice and that I thought you would like."
I held up the bag from the animal store and Carole reached out and took it. I was too impatient so I ripped it from her hands again and told her to look away while I got it out of the bag and switched that tag reading "Alice" to the new one. And then told Carole to look again as I let Alice go and of course she went straight over to Carole to get scratched and Carole could read what the tag read.
"I rescued my owner." Carole read out loud. "That's really nice Burt. Thanks honey." She kissed my cheek and then rested her head against my shoulder for a moment. I didn't move from where I stood but lowered my head and kissed the top of her head. She sighed and took a step back after a few minutes and I pulled my jacket off and then went to start with dinner.
After dinner I sat up on my bed and leaned against the wall with Carole sitting by me leaning against me, my arm around her shoulders and her scratching Alice who laid over my legs. At the same time as Carole scratched behind her ears I scratched her belly so well- right now it was pretty damn well to be Alice.
Carole fingered on the tag that hung around Alice's neck. "Isn't it kind of funny how… one item can change things so much? Now… if Alice walks up to a stranger… then maybe they'll see how much she's really done- that she isn't just any dog but that she's actually saved me… saved us." Carole got a distant look in her eyes. I stroke her arm and kissed the top of her head. "Do you have a memory of some time when one item have just changed everything?" She looked up at me, I thought but couldn't think of anything.
"I… when I was younger I used to write this journal… and I wrote in it when I found out I was pregnant. So I fell asleep- on it. I was literally laying on the desk with my head on the book sleeping and Chris came and found me sleeping so he lifted me up, got me in bed and then was meaning to put away the journal.." I started laughing when I understood where this was going. "And he started reading- and then I woke up from hearing him shouting and swearing, and that's how he found out about Finn." Carole smiled at the memory. I couldn't stop laughing. "So I guess that is an item that changes everything and if not then I don't know what is."
"Hey that's funny" I exclaimed when I had finally stopped laughing. "Because there was this once when I and Elizabeth and Kurt were at this restaurant. Kurt might have been maybe… eight, nine months old at that time and in comes this pregnant woman and her boyfriend and sit down on the table next to us. And we started talking about Kurt and so and Elizabeth and her started talking about the pregnancies or whatever and then this woman starts having contractions and the man is panicking and lending my phone to call an ambulance because they're miles and miles away from home and have no idea where they are, and Elizabeth goes over to calm this woman down and when she hands Kurt over to me he starts screaming and it was just chaos. And then when they're gone I realize the woman had a journal- and it was still lying on the table. And I read in it to see if I could find out who's it was and give it back and read about the fact that she was pregnant and afraid to tell her boyfriend and afraid to tell her family- I don't remember any of the names though."
Carole had kept unusually quiet when I was telling and now looked up at me with a weird look on her face there was just no way I could be mistaken on. "No way… No freaking way. Was that you and Christopher?" Carole nodded with her mouth open and big eyes. "No freaking way… Oh wait… I think I still have that journal lying in some box in the attic somewhere." I more or less flew up onto my feet so fast Alice fell of my legs and rolled over onto the pillows looking at me with a huffy glare. "Sorry Ali." I quickly ran a hand over her head and then more or less ran out the bedroom door and up to get the lit in the ceiling open and get the latter down so I could make my way up to the attic with Carole right after me.
"Well… now we only need to go through these boxes until we find the right one." I looked around the room where big cartons were put in stacks everywhere around the room. It would take us ages if the journal just happened to be in the very last of the boxes. "Maybe we could see that as a sign for that we should go through them all, maybe give away or sell some things- you know that stuff." Carole nodded. "I can do it if it's too hard." She shook her head.
"No I can do it. Just send down a box and I'll take it downstairs, you take another one and then we do that with a few boxes and then write at them like… Kurt's things, throw away, give away etc. And then sort everything out." I nodded and grabbed the first box, felt so it wouldn't be too heavy and then sent it down to her while I got the next one and carefully climbed down the latter. And then repeating that a few times.
Carole sat on the living room floor, carefully picked out everything of the boxes one item at the time and then wrote on the box what it was for like "Kurt's things", "Give away" "throw away" and "keep." After getting them first four boxes I sat down with her and started sorting everything out- at last grabbing Alice by the collar and put her to run in the leash we had tied between the house and the garage so she wouldn't be in the way.
After some while I heard a snivel from Carole who sat behind my back for the moment and turned around and walked over and looked over her shoulder to see that she sat with an old teddy bear that had belonged to Finn in her hands. "Hey." I exclaimed and laid my arm around her shoulders. "You okay? You don't have to continue you know I could sort out the things myself until I've found that journal."
Carole shook her head while I lifted my hand to stroke away a tear rolling down her cheek. "No I'm okay… I'll throw this away." She threw it in the box for throwing- away- stuff but I knew her and I wouldn't let her do that so when she wasn't looking I picked it up again and put it in the keeping box. If it meant so much it made her cry- then I wasn't going to let her throw it away- and I continued to take up stuff- this time getting a piece of clothing and I knew for sure then when I didn't even know what it was called- it was going in Kurt's box.
"How much do you remember?" I asked when we laid side by side on our bed that night- with Alice in between us like a child and Carole . "From that day at the restaurant?" Carole looked thoughtful and then answered.
"To be honest all of that is kind of blurry… at the hospital I was given so much painkillers and God knows everything I lost every memory to about three years before that." I chuckled. "No but…. It's just really blurry… how much do you remember?" I smiled- oh I remembered what seemed like every single second.
Flashback
"Peek- a- Boo" Elizabeth smiled and talked in a silly voice to our son. And he laughed so he almost choke. "Peek- a- Boo" He laughed at her again and I looked back to my food for a moment and when I looked up again a man and a pregnant woman- perhaps a few years younger than him stood by the table.
"Excuse me sir." The man exclaimed. "But every table's kind of taken and we've already ordered our food… would you mind?" He made a gesture towards the table put together with the one I and my family sat around and I nodded and picked up the jacket I had laid there and laid it across my legs instead. "Thank you sir." I waved it off- and without thinking I answered him with my mouth still full. "Excuse me I didn't hear that." Elizabeth scolded me for talking with my mouth full, so I swallowed and then tried again.
"Don't sir me- I'm Burt."
"Sorry si… Burt…" He helped the woman to sit down, told her something I couldn't hear and then jogged away towards the bathrooms. The woman looked quite pale and tired as she pulled out a pen and a notebook from her bag and wrote something down- but still I couldn't help to notice how damn beautiful that woman was- though- especially with my wife sitting by me-I'd never admit it.
"Hello." Elizabeth held Kurt with one of her arms and reached the other one over me to hold the other one to the woman. "I'm Elizabeth- and this is Kurt." The woman shook her head as if she had been long gone in her own thoughts because she shook her head and grimaced. "Are you okay? Should I get… yeah whatever his name is… your husband?" Elizabeth asked worriedly, but the woman just smiled tiredly and shook her head slightly.
"No I'm fine- I'm Carole- and that whatever his name is- his name is Christopher, and so far…" she smiled. "He's only my boyfriend. Forgive me for asking but… how old is your son?" she nodded towards Kurt just as Christopher came walking back and sat down by his girlfriend and nodded to us before looking to Carole.
"He's nine months old." Elizabeth smiled. "And it's fine… if you don't mind me asking… yours?" Carole smiled but it quickly faded and she got an even more tired and- almost seemingly pain- ridden look in her eyes.
"That's fine… he or she should've been here two weeks ago. But apparently isn't too eager to see the world" She smiled-something that to me seemed forced and I couldn't get why Elizabeth hadn't noticed until I saw that she was looking from Kurt, to Carole, to Kurt, back to Carole… and therefore didn't really notice.
The two women continued talking, I didn't listen to their conversation too much but caught it was about pregnancies, and started talking with Christopher instead. I and he were in a discussion about cars when Carole wanted his attention. "Chris." She exclaimed.
"Hold on a minute honey…" he continued his question to me, but before he had the time to finish she spoke up again.
"Chris…"
"Not now…"
"Christopher… ow..." the whimper that followed after his name caught his attention and he quickly turned around- and it also caught both mine and Elizabeth's attention. Elizabeth laid Kurt in my arms and then stood up and rushed around the table to sit down next to Carole and started asking her questions. Christopher sat and stroke his girlfriend's back and seemed quite helpless as he looked from one direction to the other while Elizabeth was asking Carole questions.
Kurt started whimpering- just like he'd do most of the time when his mother let go off him, I shushed and cradled him but he started screaming anyway and I had to put my full attention to him trying to calm him down. "Burt." Elizabeth spoke up and woke me up. "Lend Christopher your phone. Christopher, call nine one one because you need to go to the hospital now and Carole honey," her voice got softer as she spoke to the young woman with panic shining in her green eyes. "Just try to breathe… come on… in… out… in… out." I cradled Kurt with one arm while pulling up my phone from one of the jacket pockets and handed it to the man next me who's hands were shaking so much he could barely press the number. And Elizabeth drew deep breaths trying to make Carole breath slowly with her.
"Thanks for the help." Christopher breathed a while later before climbing into the ambulance after Carole and then the ambulance drove away and got smaller and smaller until it turned around a creek and we couldn't see it anymore.
"Oh…" I exclaimed when we got inside again and started collecting our things. "She forgot her notebook… did you catch their surnames?" Elizabeth shook her head cradling Kurt who was calming down. "Maybe I can find something in this." I started riffling through the notebook and almost right away I ended up on what she had written when she sat down by the table just a little while ago.
It's been hurting since this night and it's starting to get hard to hide. Maybe it would be the safest to tell Chris so we could go to the hospital. But I don't know- now when it seems so close I'm so scared- maybe this wasn't the best choice to make anyway.
End of flashback
I smiled at the memory and looked down at Carole who had fallen asleep- as usual with her head against my shoulder. Then I gave Alice one last pat on the head for today and laid my head down and slowly drifted off.
I and Carole continued searching through the boxes without any luck during the next few days. I'd continue to go through the things she had thrown away to make sure she hadn't thrown away anything that she would miss later like with that teddy bear. But no journal. At work during the days I only thought about going home and my fingers went itchy- that's how bad I wanted to get in the car, drive home and continue go through the boxes.
At last, that Thursday and five days after we started I was starting to think that I had thrown the journal away by some move or something, but when I got down the very last boxes, and I sat emptying one while Carole emptied the other one suddenly she spoke up.
"Here it is."
I looked to my side where she sat and scooted over while she started riffling in the worn notebook. And suddenly a thought hit me.
That day at the restaurant. We had had no idea what the future was going to bring. I would have never thought I would make it without Elizabeth if anyone had said I was ever going to lose her I would have waved it off and said they were crazy. We didn't know how and who Kurt was going to be- we hadn't even known if it was a boy or a girl Carole was having. We had no idea Carole would first have to stand there without Christopher- and then stand here now without Finn. When I looked to Carole that day I would have laughed at anyone who claimed that my little baby boy would bring us together so to the point that she would be my wife.
And yet it was almost like there had been a meaning with everything.
"This is what I wrote… this is how Chris found out he was going to be a father."
I'm scared! I just took a pregnancy test- one of these you can get down at the store. I don't know what told me to do it I just… had a feeling that I should and that the protection we used didn't work like it should. It was positive! Chris is the father and… damn I'm so scared I don't know where I should turn. I can't be a mother.
I'm only twenty three, there was so much I was going to do before getting pregnant and having a child. See the world, teach Christopher how to dance with me, get a job and find a place to live and to stay instead of moving around like this.
And now this is the first- I don't know if I'll ever have the time to do these things- I don't know what to do with me-will my parents still be there if I tell them I'm pregnant with a man my dad doesn't exactly love. What will Chris say? Will he still love me?
But one thing I know for sure, when this child is born- I'm going to do what's best for him or her- because I never thought I could feel a love as strong as I'm doing right now.
So… I thought about continuing for another few hundred words but I actually think that that would be the best ending. So.. I had this idea just a few hours ago and I've been writing almost non- stop- from the beginning I went all high on the idea and… well… TamJaspie and Precious- passenger… you know what I mean!