My new life began with changing the clothes. A young blond nurse brought me a grey suit that resembled pyjamas. The room that i was led to was snowy white,with two beds and a little window .
- Hi! - A thick dark-skinned woman jumped up to greet me,like i was her long-lost friend.
- It's Melinda. You'll be sharing this room with her. - The nurse was talking to me like i was a child.
- Call me Melly...- My roommate hugged me nervously.
I stood motionlessly.
- The dinner will be at 6 o'clock. - The nurse soflty smiled at me and left.
- What's your name? - Melly didn't miss a beat.
I sat down on the bed,contemplating the conversation with Myers.
- What did you do? - My roommate was relentless.
- Melinda,right now i'm not in the mood for heart-to-heart talk... - I lay down,facing the wall.
- Ok...i understand...i get it...- Her voice was like a broken string.
I heard how she shuffled to her bed.
- You know i've been here for 15 years...it's my home...- Melly mumbled sadly.
My heart ached. I was going to be here for God only knows how many years. It would become my home too.
- I had so many roommates...probably 25 or 27...lost the count...i tried to become their friends...so that we could help each other stay sane...- Her voice was so
quiet. It seemed like she was talking to herself. I could barely hear what she was saying.
- But it's impossible to keep your mind intact here...impossible... - Melly's whisper became inaudible. She kept on mumbling something but i couldn't understand a
thing.
The nurse came to take us to the canteen. I was really hungry.
- You should try the green soup...it's delicious...but today is Trevor's shift so everything is tasty. - Melly was in my ear,trying to navigate me. I looked around and saw
more than 50 women in identical grey pyjamas. Most of them looked completely normal.
I took that green soup that Melly suggested and a piece of meat that looked like an overdone sole . But at that point i just wanted to eat anything.
- Oh,i was dying to eat this pork chop whole week...- I couldn't get away from my new friend. She sat down infront of me.
I noticed attention from lots of women. They were scoping me up and down.
- You are new so they will be staring at you...for a week...- Melly was swallowing everything without chewing it.
- This woman with black hair and a big mole poisoned her children...and that woman with tattoo set her fiance's house on fire...- Melly was like a shoolgirl,who was
trying to give an instruction with whom i should hang out.
- Melinda,please just let me eat... - I stopped her,not having any interest in someone else's crimes. I had enough of my own.
- Ok...- Melly was seemingly offended but kept her mouth shut for the rest of the meal.
The psyc ward resembled a blank white appartment with many rooms. It didn't look like a prison or an asylum. By the end of the day the nurse came in and told me
that tomorrow i would have a first session with my psychiatrist.
- We are so lucky to have Doctor Glisson...others don't listen...judge us. But he cares for us...- Melly was brushing her thick hair on the bed.
- Why did he take us? - Finally i decided to engage in conversation with her.
- Well,he takes the most severe cases... - My roommate's tone was as nonchalant as it could be.
I was a severe case. Crazy delusional murderer. I closed my eyes,trying to think about something good. But all i saw was an endless darkness.
- One more for the road? - I heard Stahl's voice right next to me.
I was sitting at the bar,just like the first time i saw Stahl but didn't know who he was.
- Everyone came to see you,Harlee...- Stahl's delicate tone got mixed up with music that was playing in the background.
I looked back and saw Woz,Tess,Loman,Tufo,Espada staring at me. They were sitting around the table. The bar was full of people.
- I had to cover up your arses so many times,but it all began with her... - Loman pointed at me. His voice was echoing in my ears.
- Yeah,this bitch can ruin anyone's life...- I heard Miguel's voice behind me.
I turned around and saw his pale face right infront of me.
- No... - I recoiled,feeling how quickly panic kicked in.
- I thought she was my family... - Saperstein's voice rang in my head.
- I'm just a Collateral damage... - I heard a whisper. The man that i shot by mistake,thinking that it was Stahl,appeared behind Woz. He was covered
in blood.
- Stop it! - I screamed,storming out of the bar.
I was running as fast as i could. The street was empty. No cars,no people.
- Mom! - Christina's voice hit me like a bus. I stopped,looking for my daughter.
- Christina! - I cried with all my might.
- Mom!Why did you do this?!Why did you lie!He was my father! - Her shouts were like bombs,exploding in my head.
- I'm so sorry,baby!I'm so sorry! - I fell on the ground,feeling helpless.
-Oh,Harlee...the pain can go away...just try this...- Someone came up to me.
I looked up and saw Caddie,swinging from side to side. He hunched down to hand me a needle.
- I don't blame you...i was meant to die...the losers always end up like this... - He was smiling at me.
- Cadie... - I tried to reach him but he vanished like he was never there.
- You have to thank me,Harlee...if it wasn't for me,you would hurt more people...- Stahl slowly walked out of the shadows. My sight got blurry.
- Take this gift from me...the gift of redemption... - He stopped right in front of me. His black shoes were almost touching my hands.
Everything in me was broken.
- You need it,Harlee...- I heard soft female voice and looked up to see Gina standing next to Stahl. She had a wound in her chest still bleeding.
- It wasn't my fault! It was YOU! - I balled up my fists,trying to stand up. But i couldn't because someone's hands grabbed me tightly.
- Hey!Wake up!It's just a dream! - I heard Melly's voice.
- It wasn't my fault... - I mumbled,catching my breath.
- I know...i believe you...- Melly was petting my head like i was a child while I was shaking uncontrollably.
- I can't be here...my daughter needs me...- The tears were choking me.
- Children can be the reason for our demise and our recovery...it depends on us...- Melly's embrace softened,i rested my head on her shoulder.
She helped me to calm down and didn't leave until i stopped shaking.
The next day i looked at Melly differently. She didn't call a nurse to drug me and stayed with me through my anxiety attack. It said a lot about her.
- Thank you...Melly...for helping me... - We were eating when i finally decided to thank her.
- You're welcome,Harlee...nightmares are draining and distructive...drugs that they can give you,won't help...you'd better talk to Doctor Glisson ...he will help you...-
She was obviously happy to hear me talking to her. Melly's wide smile was so sincere and cheerful that i couldn't help but smile back at her.
I was brought to Doctor's cabinet by a grumpy old nurse.
- Come in, . - He was at the table,sipping tea.
I sat down in a cozy blue armchair. The cabinet was very spacious. There were many pictures on the walls. Mostly landscapes.
- I've read your file and i have to say that i'm impressed. - He took off his glasses and stood up.
- With my criminal record? - I felt disgusted with the fact that he thought he knew me.
- No. With your accomplishments. Such a hard life and you've managed to become a great police officer. - His voice sounded like a piano melody.
- So nice of you to try to flatter my ego...smart move...- I crossed my arms,fully prepared for his fake politeness.
- I know you don't trust me yet. It's ok to be defiant. One thing that you should know is that i'm on your side... - Doctor had a very calm and
soothing way about him.
- Let's just skip the nice part and get to the bad things that i've done...- I didn't want to delay that painful process.
- You're in a hurry? I think you know that this therapy is not meant to be a battle of intellects. - Doctor softly smiled at me.
- I'm going to be stuck here for years like my roommate Melinda...maybe i want to spice up my boring existence here...- I gave him a hostile grin.
- Melly is one the most interesting people i've met. 2 years here and she creates her past over and over again. Almost every month i get to know another version of
her lifestory. The first step to insanity is denial. Don't make this step. - His voice got lower and more formal.
I couldn't believe my own ears. Melly's story about 27 roommates and 15 years in here was just her imagination.
- You call your patients "people"...unusual...- My interest grew and i wanted to talk to him.
- Respect is necessary. There's a thin line and anyone of us can cross it...- Doctor Glisson poured another cup of tea.
- Anyone...what do you think about me...why did i cross that line? - I leaned over,trying to make an eye contact with him.
- Well,Harlee...can i call you by your name? - Doctor sat down infront of me.
- Yes. - I nodded to him.
- Harlee,your case is heavy. You are a highly intelligent woman with obsessive tendencies that lead to violent outbursts.- He didn't sweeten the pot and i liked his
frankness.
- So i'm obsessed...it's the core of my problem. - I squinted my eyes, trying to keep my rage inside. How much i wanted to scream that i didn't belong there,that i
was normal!And the person who had to be in my place was free!
- Yes. Obsession comes from the natural need for love and care that every single person has but...not everyone has the right direction and enough self-worth
not to lose himself in pursuit of this feeling. - Doctor really took big pleasure in explaining me the term.
- Self-worth...- I mumbled to myself,thinking about Stahl. I thought he had enough self-worth for the whole army.
- Obsession isn't something that we can control. It's an unstoppable urge,craving for something or someone. Our mind can be in two different places. We can
understand that it's bad and distractive but the rush of it is simple irresistible. It's all consuming. Nothing can compare to it. - While he was talking,my mind drifted
away to Stahl's monologue near the fireplace.
- Like a moth to a flame...- I closed my eyes.
- Exactly,Harlee. You feel it every day and night. Even in your dreams. - Doctor softly nodded to me with approval.
- Nightmares...in my case... - I opened my eyes,feeling nausea.
- Yes. You are not happy with your condition and that's why i'm here to help you. - He really got excited when he saw that i was finally receptive.
- Can obsession be reversed? I mean what if the person who was the object of obsession,became obsessed himself...- I didn't know how to put it in words.
- It can be reversed in one case - if that person is deeply affected psychologically. It builds a very unhealthy bond. It resembles a Stockholm Syndrome - Doctor was
examining me with his little eyes.
- So i don't have enough self-worth...- My brain started to work. If i got to asylum,i had to take the most from it. I needed to know more about obsession.
- Yes...people who have enough self-worth react to rejection in a different way. Obsession starts with rejection most of a time. - He was so willing to give me
information.
- Now i get it...what about the pattern? If...i'm obsessive then it means i will be obsessive to every man that i fall in love with...i will repeat the cycle. - I was recalling
Stahl's behavior and his previous obsession with his partner's wife.
- Well it can escalate... or deminish if it's treated but the pattern is the same. Harlee,let's talk about that man. - Doctor finally realized that i was the one asking
questions and it wasn't right.
- Just one more question...if that person gets what he wants,he looks for another victim...i mean love-interest...- I needed to get information.
- It depends on a person. You see,every single case is unique and should be considered separately. But obsession can be a life-long fixation. - Doctor opened his
notebook to write down something that he noticed in me and my reactions,while i was trying to memorize everything,that he was telling me to use it against Stahl.
- So i can have this...obsession for as long as i live...great... - I smiled bitterly.
- No,Harlee.I will help you to get rid of it...we have to start from the beginning - He tilted his head with sincere intent to help me.
- Well... - I leaned back, deciding how to distort our "love story" with Stahl.
- Open up...- Doctor's interest was growing.
- He came into my life with agenda and strict rules. It had to be only business and nothing more. But...i planted a camera in his appartment... and it evolved into
something sick like this...- I was telling Stahl's side of the story but the Doctor had no idea.
- Good job,Harlee. You admit that it started with your invasion of his privacy. - His voice couldn't be more cheerful.
- Yes. I saw him in a different,more intimate way...and it was a mistake... - I felt dirty by pretending to be in Stahl's place.
- What was appealing in him? What made you want him? - Doctor asked carefully.
I stopped,trying to find the right words. How could i see anything appealing in that monster?!
- Harlee,if it's hard for you... - Doctor mumbled sympathetically.
- No. It's fine...I think it was his intellect...- It was the first thing that popped up in my head.
- Harlee,you sound unsure... - He looked at me with suttle shade of disapproval.
- Danger...- It just jumped out of my mouth.
- Danger. Very interesting,Harlee. - Doctor slowly and carefully wrote that word in his notebook like it was a code for The Pentagon.
- You knew that being with him was dangerous and that's what made it so seductive. - He was relishing in that revelation.
- I guess so...- My mind was replaying things that Stahl did,even though he knew that it was dangerous and distractive. Those moments when his life and career were
on the verge of crushing down,he felt the most intense rush.
- Harlee,we've made such a progress!And it's just a first session! - Doctor exclaimed with genuine joy.
- Yeah. Doctor Glisson, i want to see my friend...Lt. Wozniak. - I formed a new idea in my head and i needed Woz to help me. Old Harlee was still there and she had
something special for Stahl.
- Saturdays are for visitors.I will call him. - He was in a good mood after our "success". If only he knew what his new patient had in mind.