author's note- I wanted to get this chapter up and didn't have time to look for mistakes after finishing so sorry for that I will be going through and fixing them later tonight
Two weeks later:
They say positivity is the key to happiness; well whoever they are I need to commend them on how right they are. While I'm still struggling, everyday is getting better. I've been staying at Allie's since leaving the hospital. So much has changed, I recently got a job at the dot and I actually enjoy being more independent, it feels really good not relying completely on everyone else and after seeing that I'm doing my best to take responsibility for my actions my parents have even become more supportive; I can't help but smile inside at my accomplishments. Of course everything isn't perfect. K.C hasn't been here for me not that I expected him to I was Just hoping he would; all he's worried about is Jenna and his friends. I'm a little concerned he might be taking a few steps back from what Allie had told me. For our babies sake I want it to be rumors.
Of course there is Eli. I try to avoid all thoughts of him I can't think of him without missing his eyes, his smile that sarcastic sense of humor; I miss everything about him. I wish I hadn't taken those three months we spent together for granted but I'll do my best to move on; I've accepted everything for what it is I know not having him is my fault and that I'll never have him again but, I'll always keep the memories of the best person to have ever been a part of my life. The beat of his heart as I laid my head on his chest, the feeling of his arms tightly around me after making love, our playful moments always ending with him pulling me into a loving embrace and the way he could make me laugh like no one else; I'll keep it all with me forever not that I could forget it even if I wanted to Eli marked my life. Part of me really hopes he misses me too.
I have plans to meet K.C today I need to see if the rumors are true for myself; I am carrying his baby after all. I can't help but worry if the rumors are true he's going to be very unpredictable; last time he was either extremely loving or violent there was no middle. I'm getting dressed to go now; I can feel my nerves rising. I finish my usual routine and walk out of the bathroom where Allie is waiting for me.
"Are you sure about this Clare?" Allie asks worry in her eyes.
"Allie it'll be fine" I assure her halfheartedly
"If it's true what if he hurts you?"
"I have to; he's the father of my baby Allie."
"just be careful, you know what he's capable of"
"I will; I promise"
She gives me a hug and I'm out the door. As I get closer to the dot I feel myself start shaking not sure what I'll be faced with. I walk through the door and when he comes in my view I know the rumors are true his eyes are bloodshot bags under them and I can see him nodding in and out of consciousness from here. Against better judgement I walk over taking a seat.
"Hey" I say softly knowing how easily alarmed he is in this state
"you wanted to talk?" he snaps
"um yeah I've heard something's that make me concern-" he cut me off screaming I immediately stand up ready to run.
"you believe everything you hear Clare? I really thought being pregnant would make you stop thinking you were better than every other fucking person but apparently being alone while carrying a bastard child can't even do that you're such a stuck up whore" he's standing by this point as well getting his face nearly touching mine I'm sure everyone in here is staring in shock yet no one is bothering to help until someone does.
"Is that really how you think you should talk to her" Eli's voice comes from nowhere getting not only K.C's attention but mine as well
"this really isn't any your business. stop trying to be a hero and go mind your own" K.C spat angrily
"I'm making this my business. how about you spare everyone here trying to enjoy their day the scene and leave on your own because one way or another I'll make sure you do" Eli said with venom they had a stare down for a moment before K.C left giving Eli the death stare.
I'm not sure what to do; I have no idea why Eli did that he has no reason to defend me but he did we lock eyes In an awkward moment before he speaks.
"So what was that about" he asks raising his eyebrows in a questioning manner
"K.C is on drugs. Again." I answer quietly
"again?" he asks even more confused
"six months into our relationship he got addicted to prescription pills; he got so bad he'd lose control worse than that he got physical a few times it was never anything serious. Anyway He got clean right before you moved here and he's relapsed." I tell him shakily my adrenaline still high from the encounter
"okay first sit down, you're shaking" he says pulling a chair out for me and taking a seat himself "Now anytime a guy is physical with a girl it's serious you are half his size. Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this? His voice is so caring it sends emotion throw me and I start crying stupid hormones.
"I know it wasn't okay but at the time I loved him, and I never told you because I didn't want to talk about it or make you feel differently about me. You have to have things you haven't told me." I say still crying at my final statement I notice Eli get a strange look in his eyes a painful one almost as if a thought hit him like a freight train.
"Hey don't cry" he reaches his hand out putting it over mine ignoring what I said; the moment his hand touches mine I can feel the same fire as every time before. I wonder if he can too.
"I'm sorry hormones" I smile sadly
"it's fine really but, speaking of that is he really safe to be around a baby?" he asks with genuine concern
"no. I'm going to do it by myself at least until he gets better. It will be hard but this isn't about me anymore I can't come first"
He looks at me with sympathy for a short moment before offering to walk me home; I really wasn't expecting him to do that. I think, If this were a movie I'd agree we would walk home joining in comfortable conversation like nothing has changed; as we got to my door he would tell me he made a mistake and he wants to give it another shot that we could get through this. it would start raining and we'd share a passionate kiss confessing our love for eachother but, this isn't a movie. As much as I want to accept I don't. It isn't only myself I'm making decisions for it's my baby and babies need stability. I have changed a lot in the last two weeks and this would be a step back. So instead of giving into my screaming heart I thank him for the offer and we go our separate ways. Even though I feel upset I gave up the chance to spend more time with Eli; I am proud of myself for putting my baby before me. I'm not saying I won't reconnect with Eli if he really wants to but, I know now is not the time.
I walk through the door of Allie's house going straight towards her room to take a much needed nap. After everything that occurred this afternoon I'm exhausted. I remove my clothes noticing my growing belly for the first time; I'm showing but not very much I rub my tummy gently thinking about how surreal it is that there is a baby in there before putting my pajamas on and crawling into bed. Suddenly my phone goes off.
Eli- I know I said I wanted you out of my life but I don't, I can't be with you but I want you in my life Clare. Let's talk soon?
A huge smile appears on my face reading the message friends sounds really nice as long as we can handle it.
Clare- I'd love that Eli. We'll talk soon
I lay my phone down once again ready to take a nap, things really are improving if only things with K.C would get better.
It's a girl! The doctor yells as the room is filled with a newborn cry. I'm handed a baby wrapped in a pink blanket all I can see is dark brown hair I hear a male voice speak and right as no turn to look
CLARE WAKE UP! Allie screams
"what! what's going on?" I ask still half asleep.
"it's K.C they found him in his room it's all over the news, h-he took to much of something" she paused looking at me grief stricken. "he's dead Clare"
Everything around me disappearing; I become disassociated with my body completely numb from all emotion. It can't be real he can not be gone. Sure we weren't on good terms but he was my first love at one point he meant the entire world to me; We went through so much together we're having a baby. My baby isn't going to have a father. My feelings start to come back hitting my fiercely and I begin sobbing uncontrollably.. Allie grabs me holding me tightly not saying anything knowing it isn't going to help we stay in this position for what felt like hours the tears keep coming like a never ending ocean. Words can't describe what I'm feeling. It's not that I still wanted to be with him that was long over but he was a big part of my life and he's gone in the most permanent way possible. I know it's wrong but it's not Allie who I need tonight. I probably wouldn't even think about doing this it's 1am which doesn't help but right now but I don't care in my heart I know it doesn't matter if it's wrong or right, we have been through so much pain and I need him this time.
"Hello?" Eli's voice answers
"Eli I need to you tonight I need you right now please" I cry hysterically into the phone not sure if he can even understand what I said.
"Clare calm down, please just breath. where are you?" he says his voice completely Alarmed
"Allie's" is all I say
"I'll be there in five minutes" I hear him rustling around before his keys jingling and the line going dead
I sit with Allie until I see his headlights pull up; not bothering to say bye to Allie I rush out the door. I run as fast as I can out of the house directly into Eli's arms; he wraps them protectively around me while I cry into his chest.
"Clare what happened?" he whispers in my ear softly
"he's dead"