Thank you Sarai for beta'ing!

Including this one, only three chapters left...let's continue with the story...

Chapter 10

She was dreaming. She had to be. The reality was years ago; in her memory it was still as fresh and painful as if it was yesterday.

"If you wanna preserve your world, leave Major Carter right now."

Sam felt her hand shake. The Entity doubted what to do now. It was afraid that the grief-stricken man would kill her entire planet. She could understand the pain and fear in his eyes. They were not so alien as she had first thought. This race lived, and loved.

Suddenly Sam felt her body stand up and move. It was going to let her go.

"Stand down. Let her go."

It raced down the corridor but was cut off by two more. Sam could feel her hands raise and release energy into the ceiling. The electricity was almost more painful that the gut-wrenching look of loss in his eyes. Almost, but not quite.

"I believe the alien is attempting to return to the mainframe."

She wanted to scream that that wasn't its plan but she couldn't. She looked at him, willing him to do it. He raised his arm, and she caught the slight wobble in his lower lip.

The Zat was painful, but nothing registered compared to the pain of feeling her mind race through the base mainframe. She screamed again, begging him to end it, for the safety of the world, for his own sanity.

She didn't remember the second zat. The impression of two deep brown eyes filled with sadness left a scar on her already wounded heart.

Sam woke up suddenly. It had happened before; they had exposed the base to danger before because of their feelings. She wanted to, needed to, move from the bed but as she tried Jack only held her tighter in his sleep.

"Colonel." She tried to wake him up. "Colonel." She waited a minute as his eyes slowly opened.

"Carter?" He looked at her in a way that made her heart ache, then immediately realised the position they were in and released her. Sam stood up. Awkward. They had overstepped another of those invisible boundaries, and she had no idea what to say to make it better.

"You feeling better?"

"Yeah. Superficial wound eh?" Sam nodded. The blast didn't hit any vital organs; Jack was lucky and she needed to get out of there. The air was so thick that she could have cut it with a knife.

"I'm going…" Sam pointed at the door, "to check on Daniel and then go to Hammond." Jack nodded. She beat a hasty retreat, closing the door and leaning against the other side. Her heart was breaking quietly and as she sighed a strangled sob escaped.

Entering his private room, Sam saw Daniel was still unconscious.

Janet had finally stabilized him but didn't know the full extent of his wounds; he could still die or be paralyzed from waist down. It was a tense waiting game.

She felt entirely useless, and guilt was gnawing her insides. Walking away from the infirmary, Sam put her hand in her pocket. She pulled out a small tape. The tape from the camera. She put it down in her lab, unable to bring herself to watch it. Not yet.

Hours later, Sam reported to Hammond's office.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm okay sir." She lied. Badly.

"Woolsey is here. Did you contact Agent Barrett?" Sam nods.

"He said as far as he knows Woolsey is clean. But he did say he's as sharp as they come. He's got an MBA and an LLP from Harvard. He was a lead council for the army Corp of engineers for 10 years, and later sat on the defence policy board. He was asked to resign last year when it was disclosed that he had financial ties to a large corporation that had been awarded over 8 hundred million dollars in private sector defence contracts by the pentagon. He's been with the NID since then. Barrett faxed me this internal NID memo Woolsey recently wrote I think you should read it." Sam handed him the file that she had worked on while waiting on Jack to wake up for the first time. Hammond looked at it and sighed.

"What do we do sir?"

"Just tell the truth." The irony in that almost made her choke. If she did, she and Jack would probably both face court marshal.

"Sir…" She had to tell him. It was eating her up, had been for years. Sam could trust the General. She had to.

"Major?"

"I am responsible for Daniels injury. I...I got too close." She blurted out. She had said it even before she realised. The cat was out of the bag, this was it.

"Major, I don't think I understand. What are you talking about?" Hammond said.

"Off the record sir?" General Hammond looked doubtful, but he nodded.

"I had to check the new Kevlar vests before we could use them but I went to lunch with Colonel O'Neill instead, with the vests they wouldn't have such major injuries. Daniel might have made it. Everything would be different…" Sam tried to swallow back her tears. Guilt eating at her.

"Major," Hammond started, looking for the right words to say; "Let's say it this way. You try to tell yourself that every man and woman under your command means the same to you. Each has to be equally valuable if you're going to make the kind of decisions that affect their lives the way I have to. But you can't help it. You get closer to some people." Sam nodded again, no longer able to fight back the tears.

"You never want to lose anyone, but it still happens."

"Sir, it's not only that but…" Sam started "I got too close to Colonel O'Neill. I think I have...I know I have…feelings for him." Now she started and had to tell him everything. No more going back. She would transfer and if Daniel survived he at least wasn't in danger because of her. Not to mention Teal'c. She was a danger in the field when she was under the command of Jack O'Neill.

"You two are good friends." Hammond said.

"We are..." It was a struggle not to include the 'but' in that sentence.

"Major, are you telling me you think you are guilty for Doctor Jackson's injury?"Sam waits a moment but answers; "Yes sir." And Sam chokes back another tear.

"Doctor Jackson wasn't even with you at that moment."

"But I panicked in the field. I panicked!"

"How so?" Hammond tried to remain calm so that she would.

"I said we needed to go back to the gate and radioed that the Colonel was badly injured. Daniel must have heard that and moved position to get to him; otherwise the blasts would have missed him."

"They could have hit someone else as well, you don't know. You aren't the one who shot him?"

"No sir."

"Then you aren't guilty in my opinion. You couldn't have done anything about it."

"But I was bringing the team in danger..." Sam stopped for a moment and then continued; "My feelings for Colonel O'Neill clouded my judgment. This shouldn't happen. This is the reason why the frat regulations exist."

"I know." Hammond said sadly. He looked Sam straight in the eyes.

"Sir…" Sam licked her very dry lips and paused for a second; "I would like to request a transfer."

"Sam," Hammond's use of her first name caused her to stop and look him in the eye; "Your feelings at the moment are clouding your judgment. Two of your best friends and colleagues are in the infirmary, one close to death. You can't make decisions like this right now." He didn't know she had been thinking about this for a while. Ever since the hallucinations on the Prometheus. She knew from that moment on that she could have love in her life. That she should go for it. She had denied the inevitable for a while, but she couldn't anymore. Not now. Not ever. Even with how hard this decision was, she had to stop with SG1. For the first time in her life, her personal life would be more important than her work. She at least had to try it.

"Sir, I need to do this now. I need to do this." Sam looked the General direct in the eyes and said; "Please." She begged him mentally.

"Major, right now I don't even know if it's possible. You still have to be interrogated by Woolsey, you do know that?"

"I know, but I need to get away from the team before more happens."

He looked her in the eye piercingly, "Major, are you really sure about this? You're one of the most important assets of this program, I don't want to lose you."

"I'm sure."

He sighed, "Okay. I'll contact the joint chiefs, they will decide if your transfer goes through." They were silent for a moment.

"Sir, if possible, I do want to stay in the labs. If possible I do want another position on this base." Sam was a General's daughter; she understood the pain her mother had felt every time her father was away on a life-threatening mission. She couldn't do that, not to Jack, not to her own family.

"I can't promise you anything, Major, the joint chiefs will decide." Sam looked down and sighed. This was it; she just made an ending to the last seven years of her life. No SG1 anymore. She couldn't help herself; she started to cry, this was something she had never done before. Her entire life she had needed to prove herself, even in a man's career. She worked herself up by hard work and now, she just threw it all away. For the first time personal Sam had won over the soldier Sam and it was confusing. She didn't know how to feel or what to do; she just hoped it was all worth it.

"Thank you sir."

"You're welcome." He said sincerely; "I hope you are making the right decision, this isn't like you Sam."

Sam nodded. "I need to try this. I need to...know how it feels." Hammond nodded, he understood. Just like her father loved her mother, Hammond had done this with his wife. Now it was her time.

"I'll let you hear the outcome when the joint chiefs have decided what to do." He waited for a minute. "You still have your interrogation with Woolsey at 1400 Major. Try not to blame yourself over this. It was a mission, I gave you the order. We don't leave our people behind. You followed protocol, even if you think otherwise." Sam nodded again.

"Dismissed." Hammond said and Sam left the room. She walked back towards her lab, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Picking up her latest research project, she tried to set her mind on something else than Jack and Daniel, but when she saw the tape laying on the corner of her desk she had to think about them again. Slowly and uncertainly, she pushed the tape back into the camera. She wasn't prepared, but she couldn't deny the curiosity that overwhelmed her.

TBC