Title: The Beautiful Lie 9/?
Fandom: Rizzoli and Isles
Pairing: Jane Rizzoli/Maura Isles
Spoilers: No...not really
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I'm just playing around with them for a while.

Summary: Jane has to deal with changes in Maura's life and her feelings surrounding them.

I don't want you coming around here no more.

I beg you for mercy.

You don't know how strong my weakness is

Or how much it hurts me…

Recognizing the song almost immediately, Peter reached out with a shaking hand and pushed the power button on the radio. If he was in a better space, he would have probably laughed at the irony. Humor was humor even if it was of the dark variety. He wiped a hand over tired, burning eyes. Peering out the car window, he soaked in the darkness until he was almost one with it.

Two days. Two fucking days. It seemed like an eternity since he'd seen or heard from Maura. He knew she needed some space. Her eyes pleaded for it but not knowing what precipitated it was agony. Peter wanted to reach out. He wanted to call, but even though he was a man in love, he didn't want to seem like the pathetic soul he really was. Is this me? Is this really me? Peter couldn't remember ever being this person…this shell. I said I was going to fight for her, but what about me? Who the hell is fighting or me?

Peter stared down at his dashboard. He felt much like his parked car at the moment…turned off and stationary. In other words, he was stuck until Maura gave him the go ahead to move forward. Through the dim lighting, he looked at his hands, gripping the steering wheel until his hands went numb. Do I want to be that guy? That guy who stays too long and does too much? Peter sucked in a harsh breath.

No, he didn't.

That guy scared him.

I could be that guy that lets go to see if she comes back to me. A burning started in his chest and throat. Or I could be that guy that hangs on during the rough patch and comes out walking with his head held high and everything he needs at his side. Peter choked down the emotion clogging his throat. "That's the guy I want to be." With that in mind, he took solace in hoping that what he was about to do was the right thing. Even though, it could blow up in his face. Peter inhaled deeply in a last ditch effort to prepare himself.

Solace.

It was pretty much all that was left at this point.

"Tell me what you want."

"I'm done talking. I did enough of that to get you here." Addison purred. "Why don't I just show you instead, hmm?" She wound her hand through short blonde tresses and yanked, motioning the woman downward.

Addison moaned as hot, wet lips trailed over her stomach. It seemed like it had been forever, and she was a firm believer in casual sex. It seemed like the right time to take advantage of that belief. She spread her legs wide in anticipation and hissed at first contact. Her hips arched upward, and then….and then…. Addison let out a frustrated breath. "I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't think that matters at this point. What are you doing?"

"Um, I—"

The blonde's voice was muffled. Again Addison knotted her hands in the woman's hair and yanked. When she could see her eyes, she asked, "Pardon me?"

"I, uh, asked you to tell me. I wanted my first time to be with someone assertive, aggressive…"

Addison's eyes narrowed. "Did you say first time? As in virgin… first time?"

"I'm not a virgin. I've been with guys before…"

Her eyes narrowed even more. "Where the fuck did you learn to kiss like that? I know it wasn't from some man."

"Uhm, I've kissed a lot of girls. I just haven't—" The blonde's look was hopeful and at the same time wary.

"Jesus Christ dancing. I don't have the energy for this."

"Uh, does that mean-?"

Addison racked her brain searching for a name. "Yep, Morgan, that's exactly what it means." Addison patted her on the cheek. "You have a nice life, okay?"

The blonde sighed but did as she was told. Addison watched her as she dressed and walked out the bedroom. Damn shame that. The hotel room phone began to ring. Without a second thought, she picked it up.

"Yes," Addison said dully.

"Dr. Montgomery, you have a guest in the lobby."

"Well, just tell her to come up. She knows the way."

"The guest is of the male persuasion. I'm afraid." The concierge added.

"What? Who is it?"

For a few seconds, the sound was muffled. "His name is Peter."

Addison's mouth fell open. What the fuck? "Perfect. This night is turning out perfectly. Send him up."

Addison jumped from the bed and grabbed a robe and it seemed like only a few seconds before there was a knock at the door. She yanked it open. The desolate look on his face gave her pause.

"Am I interrupting something?" Peter asked.

A brow rose. You have been Pete… for a few months now. Addison wanted to be mean, but she knew it wasn't the right thing to do. "No, I'm alone unfortunately."

"Can I…come in? I remembered you said you were staying here that night at dinner."

"Why are you here, Peter?"

"I didn't know where else to go. Please?"

Feeling sorry for him, Addison moved out of the doorway and allowed Peter entry.

"This is a really nice room."

"What do you expect? It's the Ritz." Addison watched as he walked around the sitting area. Here goes. "If you're here for advice to win Maura back, you've come to the wrong place."

Peter snapped to attention. "I haven't-."

Addison caught his gaze and let it stand for a few seconds. He was the first to look away.

"Do… do I have a chance, you think? When it comes down to it would she pick me?"

"If it were me, I would say no, but it's Maura. She's running scared right now."

Peter released a shaky breath.

Suddenly, a light bulb went on above Addison's head. "You came here to hear the truth didn't you? You want to know if all this….that you're doing is even worth the fight?"

Peter sank down onto the couch. "There's three options here. I don't want to take part in the first two. They're shitty…really shitty. I want to be that guy who wins in the end."

"I don't know. The last time I talked to Maura it was the beginning of the week, and I ripped her another asshole for what she did to Jane. I don't know what she's thinking at this point. For a genius, she's….well let's just say you seem like a smart man."

"W-what did she do?" Peter asked. "That was the last time I saw her."

His face seemed to grow even paler. Ah, Maura. "That's something you'll have to talk to her about." Addison held up a hand. "I'm not going there."

"But she kicked me out. I haven't talked to her since then!"

Really? Well maybe having a new asshole woke her up a little. Outwardly, Addison remained quiet.

"So what am I supposed to do?" Peter asked.

"I don't know. I don't know you, Peter. I guess you have some things to figure out. You say that you want to be that guy who walks away with a win, but what are you winning? You deserve better than this. She's not the type just to go around hurting people for the fuck of it, but maybe you need to ask yourself why she didn't just pick you? It should have been easy if-"

"Jane wasn't in the picture."

"If her feelings for Jane weren't in the picture, you mean." Addison corrected softly. "Maybe it's time to have that conversation…for real."

Peter swallowed so loudly that it seemed to echo through the room. "Yeah…"

"Yeah." Addison nodded.

Peter rose from the false comfort of the couch. "Thank you for this, but I'm gonna go. Somehow I knew you'd tell me like it is." He paused. "Can this just be between us? I think we're all in enough shit, yes?"

"I agree. Good night, Peter." Addison watched him go. She didn't offer him a smile. There was really nothing to smile about.

Addison sat down in the spot that Peter vacated. She peered at the fancy digital clock on the end table. It was early yet. "What a night." She whispered. "You have a really big mess to clean up, Maura."

Less than a half hour later, Peter sat on his own couch and peered at the unopened bottle of whiskey. Without any more hesitation, he opened it and sloshed a good amount into a large tumbler. He stared at the murkiness in the glass and equated it to his own life. He had wanted the truth, and now he had it. All there was now was facing it.

Bringing the drink to his lips, he suddenly stopped and screamed into the emptiness of the living area. "Fuck!" The tumbler flew across the room crashing into the nearest wall. Peter picked up bottle and chugged it. He choked as much as he could down, letting it burn his insides. It brought tears to his eyes.

Gasping, he sat the bottle back down with a thud. "She's right. Fuck it all. She was right." Peter hung his head. There were a lot of decisions to be made in the next few hours, and he knew all of them were going to be life changing.

Jane rubbed at burning eyes. Forty eight hours of no sleep was a blessing and curse in her case. A grisly murder that they caught on Tuesday late had been a happy coincidence from her stand point. The last couple of days had been spent walking the streets, leading interrogations and combing over evidence. She barely had time to think about the muck that was her personal life let alone wallow.

Frost had been the one to go over the findings at the crime scene with Maura while she stood in angry silence a few feet away. He had also been the one to take the elevator ride down to the morgue and ask the million questions Jane needed answered. Ignoring didn't take the pain away, but right now, Jane knew it was her only option.

She peered over at the person in question as he studied the computer images on the projection screen. If he wasn't such a top notch detective himself her job would more than likely be a step away from suffering. Jane's anger still burned. Her resentment sizzled. It's so much fucking easier finding this asshole than dealing with all the other shit around me.

Her desk began to ring. "Rizzoli."

"I had a virgin last night."

Jane took the receiver away from her ear and peered at it. "What?"

"Well, I didn't have her. I just wasn't in the mood to be teacher. That's hard to do for someone after being with someone like you."

Somehow through it all, Jane flushed at the compliment. "I don't know what to say."

"I just wanted to make you feel good before you started giving me attitude. After all, isn't that what friends are for?"

"If you start singing, I'm hanging up." Jane groused.

Addison chuckled. "You don't have to worry about that. I can't hold a tune to save my life." She paused. "So, I know what I'm about to say next is going to upset you, but when has that ever stopped me? How are you?"

Jane sighed. She was too tired to be a bitch at this moment. "I'm alive, breathing and working my ass off. Same as I was yesterday."

"Have you beaten up anybody else?" Addison asked sweetly.

"I never should have told you. You can be a real asshole. You know that?" Jane felt herself flush with embarrassment.

"Ditto. I think that's why we make such good friends."

"Addison," Jane said irritably. "I'm not in the mood."

"I don't expect you to be."

"Then, why-?"

"Because I care, Jane. Why else?"

Jane sighed again. "I'm not going to fly apart and go on some rampage."

They both went silent.

"Okay, that was a lie, but until this case is over. I'm okay. The world will probably fall around my ears at that point." Jane stated honestly. "I know what's coming, but I guess at this point it's inevitable. All this shit I'm feeling inside…is my new friend too."

"Mmm, can I say something? You're gonna be pissed."

"When has that stopped you?"

"True." Addison paused. "I don't think you should give up."

Jane gripped the receiver so hard that her hand started to ache. "What the fuck did you say?"

"You heard me. Dust yourself off and keep going. I have a feeling about this."

An abrupt hollowness invaded Jane. It left her more tired and shaken. "It's hard enough for me to function and even harder to admit that to myself let along another human being." She husked. "I can't. I just don't think I have it in me." Jane didn't wait for Addison's rebuttal. "I'm hanging up now, Addison." Silently, Jane did just that.

"Yes! Damn it!" Frost nearly screamed. "We caught a break. I know who did this." He peered at her with wide eyes.

The cop in her shared his sudden enthusiasm, but the woman felt her stomach drop and slither into unpleasant knots. A cold unpleasant chill inched down her spine and something inside her began to shake. She was a step away from really having to deal with the devastation around her. Oh shit. I'm not ready.

The feel of a hand on her shoulder and Korsak's words of praise barely registered. Jane peered up at him in desperation and hoped that none of it showed.

"Rizzoli? You okay?"

Fuck! Jane shook her head and bolted from her chair toward the bathroom. She barely made it to the toilet before the donuts and coffee found their way up. After long minutes of dry heaving, Jane leaned against the side of the stall. Her head was pounding and she was trembling. On wobbly legs, she stumbled toward the sink to rinse her mouth out and splash its coolness on her face. When she felt human again, Jane peered into the mirror.

What she saw there didn't even make her flinch. Unfortunately, the desolate look was something she had gotten used to. Fuck you Maura for doing this to me and fuck me for letting it happen.

Maura closed her eyes briefly as she sunk into the leather chair behind her desk. While homicide detectives worked over time on this murder, she had the luxury of going home. She had the luxury of sleep, but she denied herself the privilege. Maura had no right to indulge in anything, even pity. She sighed and reached up to rub the bridge of her nose in hopes of making the headache that beat behind her eyes manageable.

It was fruitless.

After a few minutes, she looked down at her hands as they sat benignly in her lap. They were trembling and Maura figured that this was the kind of thing that happened when one's life was in utter chaos. She felt adrift and floating in a foreign space, bumbling and bumping into other planets that knew their purpose and were fulfilling it. All the while, she was leaking oxygen and had no idea how to staunch the flow and survive in the vacuum.

Drifting back into reality, Maura repeated a question she had asked herself a million times in the past few days. What kind of person am I? She swallowed hard as bile rose to her throat. None of this has been worth it. Not the running…the hiding. Everyone is miserable. I am miserable. I've lost everything. The memory of Jane's expression, her words, and her cold shoulder caused her to shudder. I deserve every second of it.

Jane was right.

She was a coward and now she knew firsthand how that mentality could bring devastation to everyone around her. It had all exploded in her face in spectacular fashion. Her thoughts turned to Peter. Nausea churned deep in her stomach, but she knew unintentional devastation was still…devastation. She had been poised to take from him something that any individual held dear, his dignity. To make matters even worse, she was prepared to take his heart while keeping her own from harm. That's the kind of person I could have been. I don't want to be her. Now, she had to tell him and destroy him even more. I can't continue to procrastinate. Maura knew it was probably the kindest thing she could do for him.

She focused on other epiphanies realized in the still of night surrounded by stainless steel and death. Maura recalled once more how her heart seized under Jane's words, her glare, and came to the conclusion that it had been exposed and vulnerable the whole time. It only took it being nearly ripped from its cavity for her to realize it. It was a discovery that still left her reeling and as breathless as the first time.

A soft knock derailed her train of thought. A surprised breath escaped her as Peter stood at her door as if her brain waves had beckoned him. He entered without permission.

"I spent all night deciding if this was a good idea, and you know what? I'm all out of ideas, and now I just need some answers." His tone was soft but demanding. He looked sallow, pale and days worth of stubble covered his face. Still, brown eyes seemed alive and pulsing with emotion.

Immediately, Maura wanted him to leave. There should be a limit to how much a person could face in the span of days, but she knew it was selfish. "Peter, I—"

"After another night of no sleep, you want to know what I figured out?" He interrupted. "I deserve better than this. No, I need better than this." His gaze was piercing and serious.

Maura was in total agreement there. "Yes, you do." She tried to hold his eyes but found that she could not.

"Good, I'm glad we can agree on this." Peter nodded vehemently and sank into the chair in front of Maura's desk.

Maura blinked as she recalled Jane doing the exact same thing a few days prior. She was finally herself again and I destroyed that.

"Something happened didn't it? The other day I mean."

Maura nodded and swallowed trying to clear the dryness from her throat. It wasn't working.

"Don't you think I deserve to know?"

Licking her lips, Maura tried to beat down the dread that clawed at her. A part of her didn't want another soul aware of what she was capable of. "I-" She started and cleared her throat of the thickness clogging it. "I had plans with …Jane that day you came to see me." Again, Maura tried to meet his eyes, but it was near impossible to do so.

Peter's forehead crumpled in confusion. "Okay?"

"I…I had plans with her for lunch, but I went with you instead." Maura added in a rush, hoping the searing pain across her chest would not come. She was disappointed.

"So are you saying you had a date with Jane? How can you do that-"

"No! It wasn't a date. It was just lunch with a friend. Despite everything, I'm still engaged to you."

"That didn't stop you from kissing her."

Maura had no answer for that because it was true. "I know, but I believe you're missing the point. I stood Jane up to be with you. I ran Peter. I ran, and it hurt her terribly. I've never seen her like this." I didn't know she could hurt me like that.

She could feel his eyes boring into the top of her head. "So you used me?"

"Yes, in a way. I suppose I did." Maura said softly. "I'm in no way proud of it."

"Have you been using me all along?" Peter asked in a whisper. His face contorted.

Of the decisions she came to there were still a myriad of things to contemplate. "I-I don't know. That's a question I can't answer right now."

"You…don't know?" His voice broke. "So I could be some fucked up substitute like Addison suggested?"

"No, Peter. I care about you. What I feel for you is separate from all of this." Maura answered sadly. Finally, she was able to hold his gaze.

"Do you love me?" His expression was pleading and wary.

"I—" Maura opened her mouth to speak.

"Do you love me?" Peter asked again loudly, interrupting.

Maura flinched and shook her head. Her heart hammered against her chest in anguish as the seconds ticked by.

"Do you love her?" His tone was pained.

"I don't know what I feel, but I know that I want to stop hurting you."

"So what were you going to do? Ignore me until I went away?"

"I had plans to contact you…see you …" Maura's insides contracted. His anguish was clear.

"When was that going to be? Next week? Next month? How about on our wedding day?"

Maura knew she deserved his ire just as much as she deserved Jane's.

"You didn't answer my question. Do you love her?"

"I don't know!" Maura sobbed as she stood. She hugged herself and began pacing.

"Then," Peter's lips quivered as he spoke. "You have to figure that out. You can't keep running. It's not fair…to anyone."

Maura's heart dropped to her stomach. This was it. He was about to disappear from her life. "Peter! I—

"I- I have to get out don't I? While there's still something left of my heart to break." Peter's eyes were wide and wet with tears. He wiped at them angrily. "Maybe…maybe I should have done this earlier. Maybe I would have seen that it was already too late. I'm that guy…"

"You're a wonderful man and I am so sorry-" Maura refused to fight her own tears as they came.

Peter scoffed. "That's not what I was talking about." He stood jerkily. "Just ship the ring and the other things I left to my office when you get the chance."

Maura ran to him, needing to touch him.

He shrank from her touch. "No, please. If I mean anything to you just don't."

Then, he was gone.

Maura stood in the middle of her office and let the tears fall unchecked. She had broken another heart, but in the process, something had changed. She had changed. With her own pain, Maura acknowledged her hand in the chaos. She had a choice now to perpetuate it or put everything she was into forging something substantial, something new.