Sorry it took so long for another chapter. The holidays were really busy. I finally finished this one this morning. Let me know if it needs more editing, my dyslexia always makes me miss something. Thanks for reading! and I promise it'll get more steamy after this!

The paperwork was driving her nuts. It seemed the better she got at her job, the more people needed things from her. How did that even make sense? Shouldn't being good at something mean that it got easier? Gale let out a huge sigh and rubbed her temples.

She had already put her foot down with Josie about meeting nobles. That was NOT happening. She'd had to threaten to purposely insult every noble she was forced to interact with to be let off the hook. Mentioning making Sera her personal assistant also helped a great deal. Leliana had silently laughed into her gauntleted hand at the threat. Cullen had grinned in an indulgent sort of way. But Josie had turned green. And then politely acceded. Gale felt bad about hitting below the belt, but it had to be done.

As it was, she was sure, the ambassador had somehow gotten her revenge by tripling her paperwork.

Absently, she heard her door open and booted feet march up her stairs. No one really ever announced themselves during the day, since her quarters were also her office. She tended to lock her door when she went to bed, so people learned that if it wasn't an emergency a locked door meant no entry.

But it was full daylight now.

She didn't even look up. Part of her brain was rebelling at the thought of more paperwork. She didn't even want to acknowledge it. Maybe if she pretended they weren't there, they'd go away. But then the messenger cleared his throat and said her name and she forgot her stress. She forgot her papers and what she was doing.

"Cullen," she said, getting up and coming toward him. "Is something the matter?"

"Not at all, inquisitor," he replied. "I merely came to deliver these to you." He handed her a packet of papers.

As she scanned a few, her brow arched in confusion. Just reports about mundane things. Nothing important. "Why would you bring me this? You could have had anyone do it. They aren't important at-"

Her words were cut off when he yanked her against his chest and covered her mouth with his. Papers went flying, unnoticed. She melted into him.

"I wanted to see you."

She grinned. "Oh," she said and pulled him down for another kiss.

He pressed her up against her desk. Not as grand and sturdy as his. Just remembering that night had her tightening her arms around his neck. She would always be fond of desks from now on.

"Come to my room tonight."

He pressed a pressed a hot kiss to her lips and gathered her closer to his body, stroking his hands up and down her back. "There is nothing I want more than to go to bed with you." His voice was rough and his breathe was warm against her ear. "But I'm not going to."

She pulled back from him with wide eyes. "What do you mean? I thought that's what you wanted."

"It was. It is. But I started thinking about what you said. You truly worry that I see you as some sort of evil, don't you?"

She didn't need to answer, he could see the insecurity on her face.

"I need to tell you something. So that you understand."

"What is it?"

He took her hand and led her to the couch, and sat down with her.

"I knew the hero of Fereldan." He smiled, but it was sad and full of shadows. "She was at the circle when I served as a templar in Fereldan."

"Yes, Leliana told me that in passing once."

He laughed half heartedly. "If it was Leliana, I doubt it was meant in passing. You see, Amell and I… We were young and… sweet on each other."

Gale stared at him wordlessly. A curious feeling started forming in her heart. An acute pain she had never known existed.

Cullen continued, filling in the sudden silence. "We knew that it wasn't allowed, but my eyes would follow her and she would blush when she noticed me looking. I was thoroughly smitten. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. And kind. Half the templars were taken with her, but she only blushed when she looked at me." His voice had been quiet and soft, but then it changed. Disgust and self loathing evident in every syllable. "But then the circle turned into a nightmare. She came to save us and all I could do was blame her. Treat her like one of the demons she risked her life to save us from. I saw it, the hurt on her face. I took the love of an innocent girl and I stomped it into he ground. And I reveled in her pain. I enjoyed it." He let out a long breathe and rubbed his eyes. "The things I said to her… I could spend the rest of eternity begging her for forgiveness and it still wouldn't be enough. I would still never deserve it."

"Are you… do you somehow see me as her? Is that way you're with me?" Gale wrapped her arms around herself in defense.

"What? Maker, no." His hands framed her face, thumbs tracing her cheeks. "I see you. Your fierce will, and hunger for freedom. You are a force of nature that cannot be contained. Your fire burns me and it makes me want to burn more."

He smiled smugly at the color staining her cheeks. "And then you get embarrassed, and it drives me crazy. You are such a contradiction."

He leaned in to give her another kiss and then suddenly pulled back, remembering what his original point had been. "I have seen what it's like for a mage who is raised in a circle. The fear of trust. Not having choices. Being dictated to about your entire existence. The looming threat of being made tranquil. Love for a mage that is confined is usually hurried and secret. There is no option for a real relationship. And you were raised there. It's probably all you know. I want you to see me differently than that."

"What are you trying to say, Cullen?"

"I want to give you the choice of being with me."

Gale laughed. "But I want to be with you."

"I haven't shown you a reason to be with me, have I? I just yell about blood magic and mages, and train soldiers. I haven't shown you how I feel or proven to you how much you mean to me. That I deserve to be with you. I probably don't, but those things take time. I want to show you how precious, and worthy, and wonderful you are before…" he gestured toward the bed, unable to find the correct words without feeling like a fool.

Gale smiled suddenly. It was full of amusement, relief, and a bit of joy. "Are you trying to say that you want to respect me, Cullen?" She chuckled.

It was his turn to blush. "I can't apologize to Amell, anymore. But I can take that experience and use it to make sure that I never, ever, give you a reason to doubt my sincerity."

She sighed. It was disappointing but so very sweet. No one had thought about her so kindly before. In all honesty, she was charmed. "All right, Cullen. You can respect me. But it's still very depressing." She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her breasts into his chest, and kissed him. "I was so looking forward to not sleeping alone tonight. Though, you are gifting me with a singular experience."

"And what is that?" He leaned in for another kiss.

"Well, I'm not going to promise to respect you." Her smile was frighteningly mischievous. "So I get the fun of trying to corrupt a straight laced and wholesome chantry boy."

"I don't suppose asking for mercy would work?"

"Mercy? What possibly makes you think you deserve any mercy from me?"

"I am so glad you are on our side, because that might be the most terrifying thing I've ever heard you say." Cullen's voice was full of laughter. He used her braid to tug her mouth back to his for an all too brief moment, before leaving her in a heap on her own couch. Useless and unable to breathe properly.

But all too soon she had to come back to the real world. They had found the grey wardens. Some shit hole in the middle of a desert. Adamant fortress. If there was one thing she was not looking forward to, it was fighting in the sand and heat, in full armor. Whatever they were doing, she hoped it wasn't as bad as she feared. She had grown up on stories of the wardens and their griffons. She didn't want to make them as extinct as their former mounts.

The days and weeks passed. Full of planning and strategy. Preparing troops, securing provisions, horses, armor, weapons. All the good things that make an army an army. At some point it had hit her that she most likely led one of the most terrifying and powerful empires in Thedas. Only they weren't an empire and she wasn't a ruler. The dichotomy wasn't so clear, though. Too many owed the inquisition loyalty. People, rulers, countries. They all came together under the banner of the inquisition.

She left Skyhold several times on small missions and to do scouting. She even brought back some dragon eggs and some researcher who said he needed them for his studies. That had been amusing to explain to the council. Cullen had stared in disbelief and actually accused her of doing things to distress them all on purpose. Leliana had laughed. And Josie had gotten this frightening gleaming her eyes that was more terrifying than any dragon. Gale had found something vastly important to take her away from their meeting and run for her life. While laughing.

They were finally a few days away from undertaking their journey to Admant. Everyone was getting in some extra training. Bull was making Krem beat him with a stick. Again. That was weird, but whatever. Dorian and Vivienne seemed to be preparing by ordering new gear. Blackwell was working on more children's toys. It was cute, really. Varric was being Varric. And everyone else was trying to actually do their best to prepare. Except for Cassandra. Who kept breaking swords on wooden dummies. Gale had never figured out what those dummies had ever done to her. But she was sure it had to be grievous. No one could have such a grudge on an inanimate object without a really good reason.

Gale herself had offered to train with the mages and templars. In an effort to get them working together instead of still at odds. The work was hard and thankless. But after a while they seemed to be more comfortable with each other. Working together instead of fighting each other. Mostly. Cullen did his best to help her. It had sort of turned into their little project. And since Gale had already proven that a mage could fight with more than magic, many felt emboldened to follow suit. They learned that they could be more than mages. It gave them a level of independence and confidence they had not had before. Morale was definitely improving.

It was at the end of one of these long days that she finally made her way back to her quarters and found a letter waiting for her on her desk. It looked harmless enough. It could wait.

She wanted a bath, and she wanted Cullen. He'd been driving her crazy with his courting. Lingering kisses in dark alcoves. Caressing fingers as she walked by grazing her in innocent places. Heartfelt goodbyes that made her feel more wanted and loved than she had ever known was possible. Always telling her to come home to him. He even ended his letters to her with it. Not that Skyhold was her home. He was. It was too terrifying to think of. But it warmed her, nonetheless.

She poured herself a cup of mulled wine that was warming by the fire and went to take a bath. She didn't care if she was falling over. She would not be filthy when Cullen came to see her, as he had promised he would.

She was dressed in fresh clothes and drying her long hair by the fire when she saw the letter again. She didn't want to keep working, she was just so exhausted. But ignoring important correspondence was irresponsible and could get people hurt.

She dropped her brush on the desk and opened the missive. And then everything in her turned to ice. It was only two sentences long. And it was the most terrifying thing she had ever read.

He's asking questions about the inquisition. Please be careful.

Everything went out of focus. She could feel herself shaking. Breathing was becoming painful. Everything she had lied about, had hidden, was coming to the fore and it was all she could do not to scream. But somehow she was watching herself lose her mind. A piece of her was lucid enough and stood back to watch while she held back her sobs and threw herself against the wall, next the her bookcase. She huddled into a ball on the floor, hugging herself and rocking back and forth.

He was going to come and find her, and he was going to destroy everything. There was nothing she could do. Everyone was going to hate her and all the good she had tried to do with the inquisition, all the people that she had tried to help, would be betrayed and hurt. It was her fault. Everything was her fault. All she could do was sob until the tears stopped.

This was how Cullen found her. At first he had heard the sobbing and thought she was hurt. He threw himself up the stairs to find an all too familiar scene. She looked like a scared child. What he saw was trauma. And it terrified him.

"Love," he said softly as he came over to kneel beside her. He had removed his armor to come see her, so he could move freely.

She looked up at him with wide, terrified eyes. Never could he have imagined that she held so much pain and fear inside her. "He's coming for me," she whispered. "He's coming to hurt me. To destroy everything." Her voice was hoarse from the sobbing, and she was still very erratic. He didn't know if she actually realized he was there or not.

"Who is coming? What happened to upset you?" He reached out and gently wiped the tears from her cheek with callused fingers. Then he saw the letter in her hands. She didn't fight him when he took it from her, she just sat there, staring at nothing, tears pouring from her eyes.

"Who is coming?" he asked again, as he scanned the letter.

"A demon. Worse than Corypheus. Full of greed, and hate, and evil." She started rocking herself back and forth in an unconscious effort to comfort herself. "I thought I had escaped. My friend died for nothing. I killed her and she died for nothing." Words spilled incoherently out of her mouth. She would never be a good person. She would never be free. She should have never left the circle. She should have never thought that she could have a normal life.

Cullen grasped her upper arms and forced her to look at him through her renewed tears. "What are you talking about? Who died?"

She looked at him as if she didn't understand why he didn't know what she was saying. "Gale died."

"Gale? But aren't you Gale?"

"No…?" She stared at him, confusion on her face, when in a rush understanding, and horror, overwhelmed her. She covered her face with her hands, digging her nails into her skin in incoherent frenzy. He had to yank them away before they drew blood. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

"No, you'll get mad. And you'll hate me. You'll tell the templars to come and take me away and they'll take my mind and make me tranquil." She started crying again.

Cullen had never felt so helpless. He understood this. He had lived through his own nightmares and the emotional aftermath. It was a brand that still burned in his mind. He knew from personal experience that there was nothing he could do to comfort her. She wasn't rational, and until she could get a hold of herself, she wouldn't make any sense.

Cullen stood and pulled off his boots, tossing them aside, while she looked on in teary eyed confusion. Then he reached for her and gently supported her as he brought her to the bed.

He started unbuttoning her shirt and she tried to fend him off with an incoherent protest.

He ignored her and stripped off her shirt, starting on her pants. "It's all right. Trust me."

When she was naked he pulled his shirt off over his head and carefully helped her into it.

Then he turned to the bed and tugged the blankets down. With gentle hands he helped her in, pulling the covers over her, and lay next to her. He gathered her in his arms, tunneling his fingers into her hair and rubbed the back of her head. Her ear was passed against his chest and she could hear the steady rhythm of his heart beat. Feel his pulse against her cheek. It calmed her and helped her breathe easier. In time with the rhythm.

"Whoever you are and whatever happened to you before, we can deal with it in the morning. I'm not leaving. Just hold on to me."

She was silent for a moment and then said in the smallest voice he had ever hear, "Please don't hate me."

He squeezed her harder and assured her that he didn't. That he never could. And she finally slept.