Author's Note: I made some changes to Chapter 3, and Chapter 5 and Chapter 6. Mainly I realised I had some errors with my history (saying in one chapter Stacey and Mary Anne weren't friends in grade nine, and in another saying they were) and changed how many times I used the names "Taylor" and "Reed." Clearly, I wasn't thinking as I wrote this before.
I have a few ideas how to continue with this. Please be patient with me, as I am entering exam time and will be busy with that. Also I have a few other projects on the side. However, (and this is in no means me begging) reviews do motivate me. Also I like to know how I'm doing and that it doesn't come out like gibberish.
Thanks to all who have reviewed so far.
Stamford Alternative Academy. That's where I should have stayed. Who cares if I got incredibly depressed there? Did it change anything? Sure, I had the greatest years of my life up until high school. Gah, I don't even know why I'm doing this. I HATE writing but maybe if I write about today, about my first day as a senior I will feel better but, no matter how I feel at the end of this journal entry, I still wish my parents made me stay at SAA. Then maybe things would be so different.
Where do I begin? Maybe at the beginning of my high school career. I am so sick of thinking about Stoneybrook Middle School. About how "wonderful" those days were. If I had known how FALSE everything was, I would have changed things.
Take Stacey McGill, my former best friend. She is the bitch of the school, and probably has been ridden more times than the village bicycle. Ha! It feels good to say that. I hate having to pass her and her friends everyday, smiling. She has no idea what it is like to be me. None of them do. They just have the image of 12 and 13 year old Claudia Kishi: Miss I love junk food and art. You never looked deep enough in me did you? You were always so involved with your own lives: with sports, boyfriends or your stupid Baby- Sitters Club.
This was not to say I was NEVER happy during, what I refer to as the BSC years, which include grade seven, eight and for the most part grade nine. It was during grade nine that things really began to fall apart. I know back then I blamed it on the BSC and school, but I was lying to myself. I am not ashamed to say this but I would have thought, out of any of the old BSC members, it would have been Mary Anne who went down this road. I feel like a bitch saying that, but it's true. Mary Anne was the one who was always crying over something, even if it was really nothing, she was the one who went to see a doctor because of how she was feeling depressed. She was also so introverted and shy, it was like all signs pointed to her. Now she's a huge bitch, like Stacey, only worse because she doesn't see herself as a bitch.
As I was reflecting, by the time grade nine rolled around, Abby Stevenson and Jessi Ramsey had already dropped out of the BSC to pursue their own activities. I believe by the time Jessi (who is two years younger than me) was about to enter into high school, she decided to leave for New York to do her ballet full time. After she dropped out of the BSC, we didn't stay in touch. We didn't have much in common. Midway through grade nine, Stacey McGill decided to drop out of the BSC. She told me it was because she didn't have time to baby-sit anymore and she simply wasn't interested anymore. She told me she still loved the kids but she would rather spend her time with her new friends than plan festivals for little kids. She told Kristy she had to drop out because school was keeping her too busy. She was a bitch and liar then. I just didn't see it. Shortly after, Mary Anne dropped out, which was a surprise. I don't recall the reason now, but whatever it was, it caused a rift between Kristy and Mary Anne. Since the club was only down to two members, Kristy was determined to get new members. She convinced Abby to return for a short time. I believe that Kristy is still running the BSC, with whole new members. I don't really know, I didn't keep track.
It was the summer between grade nine and ten when things really began to fall apart for me. I was in summer school, re-doing English, math and history. I had barely passed grade nine. My parents' were on my case for doing better. They thought I should quit all my extra circular activities until my marks improved. And of course Janine was doing wonderfully at school. She, too, was taking summer school courses, but it was of her own choice. Anyway, despite my parents ban on BSC meetings and art classes, I didn't care. I suppose that should have been a sign, but since the beginning of summer, Stacey was more and more busy with her new "popular" friends that she didn't have time for me. Her new friends were constantly teasing me because of the clothes I wore and Stacey just didn't stand up for me. I felt so depressed. I figured I just would get over it, however. It was be like grade eight and Stacey would get sick of being one of the popular mean girls and return to me. She didn't, however. I remember one time in July, after a really hard day in school I called up Stacey. I wanted to go out shopping. I could hear her new friends in the background. I can clearly the distain in her voice when she realized who called. "Oh, it's you Claudia" then there were giggles in the background. The giggles were muffled, and I knew Stacey had put her hand over the mouthpiece. I felt really hurt. The whole phone call lasted thirty seconds. I hung up feeling lower than ever. I remember debating about calling Kristy to hang up, but I knew she was still pretty pissed about me dropping out of the BSC I wasn't up to it. I remember thinking about Mimi and wondering how things would be different if she had lived.
I don't know how it progressed but by later that night, I was in a terrible depression. I think, by this point in the end it's foggy for me, I started to clean up my room. I found an old BSC notebook. I saw all the spelling mistakes and I read all the hidden tones of the other girls. I knew what they were all saying, "Claudia Kishi is an idiot." I could hardly stand it. All those people who I thought were my friends suddenly didn't seem to be my friends. They were all liars, all people just pretending to like me while all along they thought I was dumber than nails. I felt like I was going to explode with emotion. I grabbed a knife and slit my wrists. I remember, this I remember clearly, the dark red blood dripping on the floor and I thought, "Isn't this artistic?" Then mom came into my room, to wish me good night. I remember how she screamed when she saw me.
I spent the next year at Stoneybrook Centre for Mental Health Care, or as the patients called it The Centre. I finally was, in a way, forced to deal with my feelings. I had been battling depression for a long time and it was the first time, I felt, that I could really be ME without having to compete for someone else's attention, such as my older sister's. I left the Centre near the end of grade ten, and finished up the year with tutors. My family decided it would be best to wait until the new school year before I return.
Grade eleven was hell. It truly was. I hated it with a fiery passion. I had no friends because there were massive rumours flying around about me. Apparently, according to one rumour, I was involved in drugs, was arrested and for the past year I was in jail. I didn't bother explaining the truth. Stacey wouldn't even look at me unless it was to make some sort of snide comment, so I didn't even bother to try to re- connect with Kristy or any other of the BSC or any of my other friends. I spent grade eleven alone.
I cannot wait until this year is over. Then I can start over somewhere new. I know I'm not going to be able to get away from my depression, but I have learning to deal with it. I am going to try to make this year better than last. Maybe I'll try to speak with Ashley Wyeth. I have a feeling she may be open to me. I don't know. I do plan to keep a journal this year. My doctor thinks it's a good way to deal with things. Also it helps me with my spelling and grammar, which I must admit has improved drastically since I was in the Centre.
I should have tried today to speak with Ashley Wyeth but I felt so out of place in those halls, as if I didn't belong there. I know people still look at me and wondered what happened to me in grade ten, wondering why I'm still here. I know some of them look at me and wonder how I got so far. I know some of them have seen my art work, seen how dark it is, and wonder what my problem is. I also know some forget that I exist.
Anyway, I still have intentions to write down what happened today. I didn't have any friends last year so there was no one for me to look forward to seeing. I listened and saw all these people so excited to be with their friends again. It wasn't like they hadn't seen them the day before. But this wasn't summer. This wasn't hanging out at the pool, hitting on guys and hoping to hook up. This wasn't late night parties and drinking. This was school. This was a completely different ballpark. Even I knew that, despite the fact I spent the summer alone. Well, except for my "social" visits to my doctor.
Just like last year, I saw alone at lunch. I picked at a salad I had made myself (with gummy worms in it to make it more tasty and entertaining). I wasn't hungry. I had only eaten the gummy worms so far when Taylor Sol sat next to me. I knew her. Who didn't? Stacey's best friend and partner in crime at school. I also knew she was a part of the BSC. I also hated her with a fiery passion. I know the break down of my friendship with Stacey was mostly her fault, but I blamed a chunk of it on Taylor. She sat across from me, with her pretty straight blonde hair, perfect makeup and her perfect size four clothes clinging to her curves, showing off her assets. I ignored her and continued to pick at my salad. I wished I hadn't eaten the worms so fast.
"So, Claudia," Taylor said, ignoring the fact that I was ignoring her, "Stacey is having this party on Saturday and we decided to invite the whole senior class. That includes you." I didn't respond. Taylor shrugged and smiled at another senior as he walked by.
"Think about it. I know Stacey wouldn't say it, but I know she wants you there and it will be the perfect opportunity to put yourself back out there. Get rid of all those nasty rumours," Taylor smiled at me and walked away from me.
Yeah, I know. It seems so simple. So innocent but it has me tangled up in knots. Is it silly of me to want to go? I'd love to go and show those bitches who I have become, that I'm not some dumb loser.
Maybe it's time to re-connect with Kristy. We could go together. That isn't actually a bad idea. Maybe this journal wasn't such a bad idea after all.