Notes:
Here is the next chapter of MOD, I hope you like it. I'm a little conflicted, so let me know what you think.
IMPORTANT NEWS:
I'll be taking the month of November off because I'm participating in Nanowrimo, hopefully starting a job, finally (I had an interview today!), and helping a family member recover from surgery. Plus Thanksgiving and Black Friday. It's a full month. If you are subscribed to me personally, you may see me migrate somethings over here from my blogs, but nothing new is actually being written.
Have a great November everyone!
Dirk felt a warming glow under his skin and a need within him. A need to never let Jake go, a need to kiss him forever. Strong shoulders underneath his fingertips flexed as he felt arms pull him close, deepening the kiss. A thread pulled taught, a tidal wave threatening to drown him, an electric current coursing through him that Jake fed. The kiss was like warm sun rays on his skin after a cold winter; welcoming and soft. His lips only slightly chapped and tasting of oregano. He was still, yet couldn't catch his breath, he couldn't get close enough to Jake, no matter how much they pressed together. He was on a high and dizzy like the disorienting thrum of the beat at a techno club. You don't dance to it you move with it. Dirk was moving with Jake.
Until he was pushed away, his heart beating loudly in his ears along with his own gasping breath and the breaths of the one he loved. "I'm sorry. It was a mistake." No, it's alright. The charge wants his caretaker to kiss him like that, tenderly and lovingly. For eternity. "God, Dirk, I'm so sorry. You must think me some villainous cur with no manners."
"Jake, Jake. Settle down." Without the sturdy shoulders to ground him, Dirk was floating, his thoughts scattered into the stars. His breaths and the cold hard surface of the countertop he was clinging to, for fear that he might fall over, was bringing them back. "I liked it." A pregnant silence filled the room, each gasp for air like a gong resounding through the space. The heavy viscous honey of conversation too solid to move, the heat of touch the only thing to make it run. Dirk hand on Jake's forearm, the brunette not saying a word. "Talk to me, man. It's not like I can read your facial expression."
"I can't."
"Can't what?"
"I can't do this. I'm sorry, I had no right to kiss you. I can't do this with you."
"It's okay though."
"No it's not!" His voice reaching a high, broken, anxious pitch that Dirk had never heard from him. He could feel the panic expound from Jake in a flash as he spoke faster. "I can't in good conscious start anything with you. I take money from you and your family. To start a relationship with you would be a betrayal of the contract wouldn't it? And besides the very nature in which we have developed this….whatever this is, it's not right. Is it? I mean, I tried to win your favor with treats and good food in the beginning. Does that make me manipulative? Oh god, did I manipulate you? And I made you cuddle with me. Oh dear lord, did I groom you?! Am I some sort of predator?! What the hell is wrong with me!?"
Dirk reached out, first accidentally touching Jake's chest and then moving to take the shaking hands in his. "Shhhhh. Calm down a moment." He listened Jake take a few deep breaths. "You like me, right?"
He felt Jake tug at his hands awkwardly and the subtle shifting of his feet. "Yeah….."
"Than does it really matter how we met. We can be together Jake, c'mon."
"No, I'm sorry, just no." Jake pulled away, his footsteps echoing out of the room and down the hall, leaving a vague emptiness in Dirk's chest. Why does it hurt so much?
Jake appeared later that night, Dirk had already fled to his room. They both heard the remnants of crushed hopes and desires in the footsteps approaching Dirk's bed and the soft creak as Jake sat at the end of it. "I should never have kissed you. It wasn't right."
"Do you have feelings for me?"
"…"
"Jake?"
"I let myself get caught up in the moment. It won't happen again."
"You didn't answer my question."
"I have other engagements that I must attend to. What happened in the kitchen was a momentary lapse in judgment; it won't happen again. "
The blonde heard his caretaker begin to rise and he reached out, grasp that strong arm that held him close mere hours ago. "Please, Jake, answer my question."
The blind male couldn't how deeply uncomfortable his caretaker was, the kind of uncomfortable that's an odd blend of arousal and fear. The kind of uncomfortable that a young boy feels when he develops faster than his peers and has romantic interest for the first time. Only this interest was more powerful. In his seclusion, he realized that he was more than attracted to Dirk, more than infatuated with him. He was in love with the blonde. He was in love with the pranks he played with his family. He was in love with the sincere efforts he makes every day to become more autonomous. He was in love with the petulant attitude when he was forced to watch Days of Our Lives. He was in love with all the good and some of the bad in Dirk. And the bad that he didn't love, he felt unwavering acceptance.
This was new for Jake. He had had girlfriends before, some boyfriends too. He had never loved any of them, infatuated? Yes. Lusted after? Yes. Never loved, not like this. He thought nothing of cutting ties with the girl that stole money from his wallet to buy herself a ridiculously expensive pair of shoes. He thought nothing of leaving the relationship with the another girl when his feelings for her faded away, even when she was crying. And making clear with many others that he was only along for the ride, ready to leave when it stopped being fun. He had hopped relationship to relationship with this mentality. Got him into trouble in the past, some partners were possessive even after the thrill had faded.
He wouldn't do that to Dirk, he knew he wouldn't, but what if Dirk was only enamored with him? What if he was only a thrill ride that would lose its glimmer and become abandoned for another. He wouldn't survive it. Even with the blonde clinging to his arm, begging him to tell him the truth. The truth was…Jake was a coward, and he knew it. Terribly selfish too. He rationalized it with the impropriety of such a match, with the fear that Dirk's feelings wouldn't extend as far as his own. When, in reality, he was afraid to let go. Let go of the thrill hopping (not that he'd been doing much of that, but at least the option was still there.) Worse, he was afraid that Dirk may actually love him back, truly love him back, how could he handle that? What if he failed? It's one thing to go on an adventure into uncharted waters with nothing but the clothes on your back. It's another to traipse around alien land with precious cargo. What if he messed up so bad he broke Dirk? What would he do then? How would he ever forgive himself? …What if Dirk broke him? What if he was okay with being broken?
"I'm sorry," He cupped the unseeing face with tender hands, a cruel and greedy act, "it was a mistake, I don't feel that way about you."
"But the kiss!"
"I've kissed many a lot of people, Dirk. I'm not always the best at checking my impulses. I apologize, you have my sincerest promise it won't happen again."
Jake left the room when he saw tears well in Dirk's eyes. He was unsure if it was truly better this way or if that was just something he told himself.
A week of awkward silence and distance passed between them. No talking during meals, no tv time together. Dirk spent most of his time in his room. Finally, on Saturday night, he wandered into the communal spaces. A waft of sage and juniper berry graced his nose, a heady and lulling aroma. "Smelling good English. What are we having tonight? Something special?" Maybe he had changed his mind. Maybe he was at least willing to give Dirk a chance.
"Actually, I'm going to the movies with Jane. I left dinner on top of the oven so you would be alright."
A lead weight sank to the pit of Dirk's stomach and ignited an inferno. His voice, however, went cold, "When did you tell me about this?"
"Oh, I didn't? A thousand apologies my friend."
Fuck you. Fuck you for kissing me. Fuck you for going out with Jane, fuck you and your bullshit.
"I must have forgotten. You know how much of a goofy head I can be, but don't-"
"I'm surprised you didn't forget the date too. But whatever Jake, very professional, leaving me here by myself."
"Well, it's technically my night off, so I thought I could."
"Nah, it's fine. You've got your priorities and opportunities. You've got to take advantage of those."
"It's just for tonight, I'll try to be early." I'm sorry, this is the only way.
"I said it's alright. I'll call Roxy, even drunk she still knows what her job is."
"Hey!" Part of him knew that Dirk had every right to say what he was feeling, to take digs, but he worked hard and he didn't appreciate the insinuation. "Are you trying to tell me something, Strider?"
"No, I'm not. Have a good evening."
Why was Jake upset that Dirk wasn't even trying to stop him? This is something he wanted right? This is what was best. Still….wait….what if Dirk had found someone else already? What if, after Jake rejected him he found some other way to date. He does have a computer that allows him to navigate most websites, maybe he went on a dating site. A flare of possession and jealousy bloomed in Jake. He would show Dirk. "Why yes I will! I hope you won't mind if I don't come home so early." …smooth, real fucking smooth.
"Go ahead dude."
Jake puffed out his chest, he was going to go out and have a real good time. He was going to have fun like he did before. Find that thrill again and just ride the fucking rollercoaster.
Love sucks. He picked Jane up thinking about who Dirk was really calling. He came in and out of the conversation, thinking about how someone else might have the opportunity to touch Dirk and get close to him. How Dirk might sleep with them. When he was present he was berating himself for being such an awful date. He made sure to smile and hold the door, compliment her on her dress, pay for her food, even when she offered to split.
The movie was a reprieve from the actual date, he didn't pay much attention, the thoughts of who possibly would date Dirk flitting through his mind. His brain always came back around to some sleazy ruffian with a fetish for the blind flirting with Dirk, skype with him. Just an absolute detestable type of person taking Dirk into their arms. Oh god, without him home, Dirk could be on a hook-up site. The idea of coming home to hear some disgusting person having their way with the love of his life. No, that's ridiculous. He's…being possessive. Like his old flames. He has no right. The movie ends.
He apologized to Jane for being a terrible date and told her he had a fight with Dirk (side-stepping any mention of the kiss). She understood, "I was surprised when you asked me out. I thought you and Dirk were sweet together."
"I'm only his caretaker."
"Seems like more than that to me."
"It's hardly proper."
"Since when is love ever proper? Jake," She sighed "Jake, I don't know what exactly is going on with you two, but you need to stop beating around the bush."
"It's complicated."
"What relationship isn't?! Maybe you're shy, I get that. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship with him, but it's clear you like him. Figure out what you want to do and do it! It's not fair to leave him in suspense like this. You two are close, I know you are. Yet, you take ME out on a date. How does Dirk feel?"
Jake chose not to answer. Instead dropping her off and rushing towards home to see how Dirk spent his night. When he arrived, he found his food barely touched and Dirk's bedroom door shut. He stood in front of it, staring at the vast empty plane, unsure of what to do. Why does he always fuck shit up? He never thinks things through. The gleam of the door handle reminded him of this last home, the one before he was living out of storage unit. His girlfriend of three years. His cavalier attitude. Her tears. His arrogance. His callousness.
Maybe this is divine punishment. After breaking so many hearts, he ended up breaking his own as well…and the heart of the one he loved most. No ride, no thrill, only pain. Love was his curse to bear, he only wished he had been strong enough to bear it alone. He wanted to go in a lay on the bed, take Dirk into his arms and apologize. No, he wanted to go in and erase the kiss and the feelings from Dirk's mind. The guy didn't deserve the heartbreak, not when Jake wasn't even ready to try. Letting remorse wash over him, he made his way to his room and threw his clothes in the corner.