The Suffering

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, but even if I could, I would probably only own like the first 5 seasons… Maybe it's just me, but after JT died in season 6, the show has been sucking and I barely watch it. Anyways, this chapter's song is by My Chemical Romance.

A/N: Thanks for reviewing, everyone! Remember, the more reviews, the sooner I'll update. So, there's gonna be a flashback in this chapter. For the sake of the story, let's say that Sean was in their ninth grade class. I mean, I remember them saying on the show how he was supposed to be in their grade (way back in season one), but I don't remember why he got held back or what grade he got held back in. Also, this chapter might be a little more emotionally charged then the other ones mostly because I just had the worst fight with my so-called friends, and when I stress out, I write. So this is either gonna be super emotional or super sucky. Hopefully it's going to be the first one! Or who knows, it may end up just being completely empty of any emotion. I don't know, but I have a good feeling about this chapter!

Chapter IX: Disenchanted

October 20, 2007

Toronto General Hospital

"Alex," she sounded defeated. "I love you, but I don't think I can do this."

Alex looked at Paige and saw the tears now falling freely from her eyes. She just had to look away. Even though Paige had once again hurt her, it was killing her to watch the girl cry. Alex let out a long sigh. Paige was still beautiful, even with the mascara mixing with the tears and leaving dark trails down her cheeks. Alex couldn't explain it, but she wanted to kiss Paige again. She just wanted to hold her and give her the comfort she deserved. She then frowned, feeling confused. She couldn't quite figure out how although Paige was constantly hurting her, she would always be ready to catch her if she were to fall. Finally, Alex found her voice.

"You can't do what?" She asked in a weak tone.

"This… us," Paige tried to speak carefully, buy the word 'us' came out of her mouth sounding like some sort of disease.

"What do you mean us? Why are you saying it like that? Paige, liking a girl isn't some sort of disease. With your brother, I thought you would understand that the most."

Alex flinched at the ice in her tone. She was extremely bitter, but she was trying not to show it. Paige looked down at the ground, feeling ashamed. She sniffled loudly and tried to wipe the tears from her eyes. Had this been any other occasion, she would have wiped the tears away with grace, trying to clean off the mascara, but this time she didn't care. Alex had seen her at her best and her worst, and Paige knew that what she looked like now wouldn't make a difference.

Alex noticed how Paige tried to wipe away her tears. Paige wasn't trying to be the beauty queen, she was just being real. God damn this girl, her thoughts were wandering. She hurts me and is going to walk away again, and yet she's the one crying. Why the hell does she always have to look so beautiful even when she looks like complete crap? Come on, you idiot! Do something nice for her. Make her want to make this work. Alex sat up in the bed a little more and grabbed Paige's free hand. She linked their fingers together and looked up at her.

"Alex," there was some warning in Paige's tone. "Stop that."

"No," she tightened her grip. "If you got to go what you always should have done, then I'm going to do what I always should have done."

"What are you talking about?"

"You said you always should have told me how you felt. Well, I never should have let you go."

Paige opened her mouth and the closed it again. She was silent for a while. "You really are something else, you know that?"

She smiled a little. "Don't try and use your flattery, I'm not letting go of you."

"I… I didn't say I wanted you to." Her own boldness surprised her.

"No, but you did say that you couldn't do us."

"Well maybe I was wrong." She looked at Alex and spoke up before the girl could get a word in. "I mean… I don't want to get your hopes up. You know I want to do this, but-"

"If you want to do it, what's the problem? I love you, you idiot! What else do I have to do to get that point across? Huh, Paige, what's it gonna take for me to get you to stay this time? Do I have to… do I have to get a job? Do I have to go apply to your fancy university? Do I need to stop hanging out with Jay? Do I have to give up the drugs and the drinking? Name it, and I'll do it. I'm yours and only yours"

"Stop it, just stop it!" Paige tried to yank her hand away, but Alex's grip was too strong. "What, did you forget what happened before in the summer between ninth and tenth grade?"

"My memories and your memories wouldn't go together. You stopped talking to me in the winter, remember?"

"No, but remember Sean's brother, Tracker? The graduation party he had, and how Sean wanted us there so it wasn't just him and a bunch of seniors?"

Alex shook her head. She didn't like the direction this conversation was going.

"You, me, Jay, Sean, Marco, Spinner, Hazel and a bottle of 151..."

"Ok, because that doesn't sound like the start to some cheesy teen flick where everyone dies in the end."

"Tell me you don't remember, Alex. Look me right in the fucking eye and you tell me you honestly don't remember what happened."

"I'm looking you fight in the fucking eye, Paige, and I'm telling you…" She stopped talking. The memory of that night suddenly flooded back to her memory. She had tried so hard to push that night away. Everyone who had been there for that pushed it away, and no one ever brought it up. Alex was still surprised at Paige's boldness for even bothering to remember in the first place.

Jay was generously filling seven shot glasses with something in a brown paper bag. Alex sat cross legged on his right side, with Marco next to her. Hazel, a girl Alex wasn't too familiar with, was on Marco's other side. Paige sat next to her with Spinner. Alex's eyes went right to the couple, who was holding hands. She forced herself to look away and over at Sean, who was between Spinner and Jay. It was Sean's idea for them to come over to his brother's graduation party in the first place. He had said he didn't want to be the only ninth grader at the party.

It was Jay who had shown up with the alcohol. However, he was never specific about what kind it was. When Alex had asked him, he simply shrugged her off and called it, "the best kind of party favor." As far as she knew, only Sean and Jay knew what was in that bag. The thought made her slightly uncomfortable. It wasn't that she didn't trust her two friends; it was just that she knew what they were capable of.

Sean invited everyone to the party. Jay brought the alcohol. Of course, Spinner was the one to quickly suggest playing a game. Hazel was quick to squish Spinner's competitive side, which wanted to play beer pong, and instead suggested the game I never. Everyone quickly agreed to the game, and Sean had gone off to find some shot glasses. He has returned with them, and the group was eager for Jay to finish pouring and give everyone a glass.

"So," Marco looked around once everyone had their glass. "Who's going to start?"

"I think Hazel should, I mean the game was her idea." Spinner said, still feeling sour that beer pong had been rejected.

Hazel gave Spinner a look and then smiled at the rest of them. "Well, if he insists… Then Paige can go and then he can go, and we can go around that way." She looked thoughtful for a moment, and then smiled. "I've never…stolen the answers to a test ahead of time." He eyes went directly to Paige, who blushed.

"That was you?!" Sean looked amazed. "Wow, I always thought Jay here had done it and lied to me about it."

"It was biology, ok, I was desperate!" Paige raised her glass and took the shot. She instantly started coughing. "Jesus that burned, what the fuck was in that?"

"Just a little party favor," Jay smirked and leaned across the circle to refill her glass.

"Well that one sucked, no one else did anything." Spinner complained.

"It's your turn, come up with a better one." Marco rolled his eyes.

"I never… I never…" He paused, trying to think of something. "Wait no! It's Paige's turn! Yesssss, I still have time to think!"

"That could take a while," Jay mumbled under his breath. Alex and Sean smirked.

"Oh, ok," Paige's voice was a little raspy from the drink she had consumed. "Well… I never… I never stole something from one of my friends!"

Everyone at the circle looked at her in surprise. They all thought stealing from a friend was something everyone did. Since Paige didn't specify if she meant stealing something big, like money, or small, like clothes, they all took a drink. Hazel pointed an accusing finger at Paige.

"Clothes, Paige, you always have mine. In fact, isn't that my necklace that you said you lost?" Hazel raised an eyebrow.

"Shit, I should have been more specific there. So I guess I take a shot, too?" She raised the glass to her lips and downed it before anyone could tell her otherwise. She held it out and waited for Jay to get to it for a refill.

"Spin's turn," Marco commented, waiting to hear whatever crap Spinner came up with.

"I never…" He still seemed stuck. "I've never been to a Leafs game."

Marco rolled his eyes; leave it to Spinner to have something lame and sports related. He didn't touch his glass. In fact, the only people to take a shot this time were Jay, Sean and, once again, Paige.

The game kept going, with everyone naming things they had never done, and being surprised at who had or hadn't done what. In the beginning, the things that had been done were boring ones, like lying, failing classes and sneaking out. The more shots they consumed, the more interesting things got. Alex had already had about six shots when it was her turn again. She put a hand to her chin in thought. She looked at Paige briefly before knowing what she was going to say.

"I've never, EVER, gone and just blasted someone's business in public because I wanted to." She grinned, knowing good and well that she had gotten Paige. For a brief second, she almost felt bad as the girl took what had to have been her tenth shot of the night. Then she went back to not caring. Clearly, some people weren't as innocent as they seemed. In addition to Paige, Marco and Hazel had also taken shots. It was now Marco's turn.

"Well, I never," he put a hand to his chest and giggled. He had only had maybe four shots, but he was a lightweight. "I've never liked someone in a lower grade."

This time, Jay and Sean took shots. Alex looked at Jay and raised an eyebrow, waiting for an explanation.

"Well you see, my beauuuuuutiful Lexi," he grinned drunkenly. "You should be in a lower grade. Or I should be in a higher one, so I liiiiiiike you!"

"You just wanted another shot! Christ, you had about ten already!"

"You're catching up there, and we're both behind Paigey. Cameron, my boy! Who's the young meat you've wanted?"

Sean smirked at his friend. "I don't think you would know her, because you weren't in eighth grade with us, but this chick Emma Nelson. She's gonna be a freshman next year man… fresh meat!" He laughed at his own joke and slapped hands with Jay.

It was Hazel's turn again, she sighed in exasperation. "Is it my turn already? It seems like I just had my first game of the shot a minute ago." She laughed. "Oops, I mean shot of the game! Well, let's spice it up yet again! I never…ever…made out with a guy before."

All of the guys looked at her in shock. Paige and Alex both had to stop and stare. Hazel just shrugged innocently and looked at Paige and Alex expectantly, waiting for them both to drink up. The two took their shots quickly, eagerly awaiting a refill. Maybe Alex was just imagining things, but she could have sworn she had seen Marco's hand going towards his glass to take a shot. She decided to bring that up next time it was her turn.

It was Paige's turn once again. She looked directly at Jay and smiled wickedly. Or at least, she assumed she had a wicked smile on her face. She had had way too many shots to keep track and she was just hoping her words would come out right. "I neverrrrrr, everrrrr cheated on someone I was… going out with." She looked at Jay expectantly, but he never took a shot. In fact, much to her surprise, no one did.

"Seriously," She said, raising her eyebrows.

"I know, right," Marco started laughing hysterically, which caused Alex to laugh. It set off a chain reaction and pretty soon they were laughing for a good five minutes before calming down. It was Spinner's turn.

"Alright," he smiled, thinking he had a good one. "I never liked another dude. No homo, man, noooooooo homo. So, what I'm saying issssss, I never liked someone of the same gander as me."

"It's gender, not gander, you silly." Sean laughed, but didn't touch his glass.

They actually all sat there in an uncomfortable silence, before Marco finally picked up his glass. Everyone looked at him in surprise. He shrugged and took his shot without shame. He then glared at Alex. She glared right back at him and then grudgingly took her shot.

"What, you're into chicks and dick? That works for me!" Jay laughed and slapped hands again with Sean.

Alex rolled her eyes and then looked over at Paige. "I'm not sure, you knowwwww. I'm not sure if me and Marco Polo there are the only ones who should drink to that!"

"Fine, you caught me! You know Mrs. H, that chemistry teacher? If I had some boobs like that…" She took a shot herself.

All eyes were now on Paige. "No way, don't give me those looks. I'm straighttttttttttt" She dragged out the t for extra emphasis.

Spinner looked a little disappointed. "Yo, Jay, let's give out those refills, man."

"Can't," Jay said looking disappointedly into the bag. "The 151 is gone." He pulled the empty bottle from the bag.

"151!" Marco exclaimed. "But why is the rum gone?" He said in perfect Jack Sparrow imitation.

"Now what do we do? Hazy, you know how to play!" Sean looked at her.

"I'm DRUNK," she laughed. "Do I remember? Ohh, yeahhhh, well, we can all take our last shots, then whoever um… whoever took the most shots all game, you gotta do a dare!"

Jay, Sean, Spinner and Paige finished their shots. They sat there in a comfortable silence for a little bit, just taking everything in. It seemed weird to admit it, but they had learned more about each other in the time they played the game then they probably ever would. It was Spinner who spoke up again.

"So who's doing the dare? Paigey, my love, I think you had the most."

"Me," she looked at everyone, who was nodding in agreement. "Why is everyone blaming me like I'm the raging alcoholic?"

"Paige, you had like 20 shots before we had gone around the circle once." Sean laughed.

"Prettttttttttty much," Jay nodded in agreement. "Let's give you a dare!"

"How 'bout two dares? I mean, she drank enough for two people." Hazel laughed.

A few people nodded in agreement, but they ultimately rejected the idea. Marco's face lit up. "I have the perfect idea," he squeaked. "Paigey, I dare you to make out with Alex!"

"Snap, I'm down for that! Paige can come right over here so I can see this." Jay smirked.

"Even better, man; Paige sits on my lap and Lexi sits on your when they do it!" Sean smiled, a little too eager to watch.

"Hey, buddy, that's my girllllllll. She's sitting on me, but you can watch!" Spinner struggled to stand up, and instead indeed up crawling over to Jay and Alex, bringing Paige with him.

"I don't want to," Paige whined. "Marco, I hate youuuuu, you know she's fucking gayyyyyy for me!"

Paige's comment went past either unnoticed or ignored. Everyone was too busy staring and waiting to see what would come next. Alex looked at Paige in an innocent, yet expectant fashion and waited for the kiss she had been dying for. Paige sighed, but figured that no one would remember these events in the morning. She leaned in slowly, and placed her lips again Alex's. She pulled away quickly, shyly, but she could feel everyone in the room almost pushing them back together. She gave in and leaned in again, this time allowing her lips to linger there. She tilted her head slightly, and felt Alex's tongue running along her lips, begging for an entrance. She opened her mouth a little, nervously, and out of habit, her eyes opened too for a brief second. Thankfully, Alex's eyes were closed, but everyone else's eyes were eagerly watching. She shut her eyes quickly, and allowed herself to get a little more into the kiss. This really didn't feel too bad, now that she thought about it. The inside of Alex's mouth felt no different from Spinner's. The only different was that Alex didn't taste like any sort of food. Or maybe the alcohol had just made her taste buds numb.

"I'm telling you," Alex came back to reality. "I'm telling you that I do remember that night." She felt defeated. "Marco ended up making out with some guy, and Hazel got her first make out session from Sean of all people."

"You're forgetting the most important part," Paige smiled at her.

"No, I'm getting there. We got drunk and made out. The important part was your reaction the next day. How you made everyone swear not to bring that night up. How you said it meant nothing and I was nothing. How it was a one night thing. How you felt that you owed it to me after you blew me off in the winter." Alex could feel herself getting angrier, she could feel the tears coming on. "You always walk away, Paige; always. I let you kiss me and walk away last time… This time is different."

"No it's not, Lexi," her voice softened. "The only difference is that I admitted my feelings. I know you say you're not good enough for me, but it's me who isn't good enough for you. I'm serious," she noticed the look Alex was giving her.

"What do I have to do, Paige?" She was repeating what she had said earlier. "I told you, anything, and I'm yours."

"I need you to let me go," she said finally. "If you love me, you'll let me go. I'll come back when I'm ready."

Alex's grip tightened. She suddenly felt really angry. Only one other person had said something similar to that, and that was her father. She had only been around eight at the time, but she remembered. He had told her it was a business trip and that he loved her. He said he would be back. Needless to say, he never came back because he never loved her. She felt the anger at her father taking over, and she let go of Paige's hand.

"Walk away from me, Paige. If that's what you want to do… again… then be my guest."

Paige gave her an apprehensive look. She didn't know if it was a trick or not. She slowly backed away. "I just need some time, I swear."

"You need some time," Alex's tone was cold and mocking. "I've been waiting for so long. How much time do you need, another five years?" Her blood was beginning to boil.

"Alex, hon, don't," Paige glared at her. "Stop making me the villain. If you love me, let me have some more time. I just… I really need to be comfortable with this."

"I'm tired of this, ok. I know I said I loved you and I would do anything to make you happy, but this won't make me happy. I can't wait for you forever. If you walk away now, you're losing me for good."

Paige was floored. Everyone had been saying that to her lately- that Alex wouldn't wait forever. She blew them off, but hearing it from the girl herself really changed it. She knew Alex- when her mind was made, it was made. "I need time," she managed.

"You'll have all the time. You're dead to me, Paige Michalchuk; you're just a freak with a crush on me." She used the same words Paige had used on her years earlier.

"I need time," Paige started. "But, if I spend the time with you, it will make it all easier. Alex, I need to spend that time with you. I need to be with you so I won't walk away." She went back to the bed and grabbed Alex's hand again.

A/N: So, I know I said that chapter was gonna be all tearful and emotional... Well, I lied. See, I ended up writing the I never scene to cheer myself up, and it actually did put me in a really good mood. Hence why Alex and Paige's discussion at the end may be intense, but not so much like super emotional. Or maybe I'll just numb to any emotion right now. Either way, make sure you review this and tell your friends about it! Remember, more reviews mean faster updates. That way, everyone wins! So for the upcoming chapters, I'm not sure what I want to happen (besides an obvious Palex reunion). They still have to go see the police about Alex jumping that kid, so I'll eventually get to that (that's going to be a boring chapter, but I can't really skip it haha). I'm pretty sure JT's funeral will be in the story, but that's going to be near the end, if it's not the last chapter. GIve me ideas, guys! What do you wanna see?