Friends Reunited
"Here commences the first meeting of the dwarrow members of the company of Thorin Oakenshield." Balin knocked his mug against the table as a gavel.
The other dwarves sitting around the long dining table they had "liberated" from one of the many elven rooms stared at him.
"What was that for, brother?" Growled out Dwalin, staring incredulously.
Balin took note of the worried expressions of his fellow dwarves and sighed. "I'm sorry, but I feel so useless these days. I'm supposed to be the advisor to the king, have been for almost 2 centuries now, but it seems like nobody comes to me for anything anymore. I didn't do anything when we were in Hobbitton apart from look at Mr. Baggin's signature and tell Thorin how to spell a word in his letter to the Thain. He wouldn't even let me read it! And let's not forget that he went and stood up royalty - fellow royalty! - at the altar." Balin looked like he was going to cry. "He could have started a war but nobody deemed to tell me about it."
Dwalin gruffed at this admission and patted his brother on the back. Dwarven style, so his head almost banged on the table from the force, but it's the thought that counts.
"And that brings us back to why we are all here." Started Dori, in an attempt to lead away from the a-little-bit-later-than-mid-life crisis he could see looming at the opposite end of the table. "We need to know just what exactly is going on between Thorin and Mr. Bilbo. He's friends with elves! Apparently everybody important in Middle-Earth knows him apart from Tharkûn and that's what worries me."
"Aye, worries the wizard too, did you see the way he would stare at them both, especially the hobbit. It's like he expected a completely different person when he knocked on the door."
Too-right-cousin signed Bifur I-don't-like-the-way-that-the-wizard-looks-at-Bilbo. He-is-a-nice-hobbit. I-wish-he-was-not-so-friendly-with-the-elves-though.
"Yes! Elves come up far too often in our conversations these days." Bombur muttered.
"But we all know why, don't we?" Chimed in Kili
The other dwarves all turned to him, apart from his brother who was nodding along.
"Why don't you explain it to us, lads?" asked Balin when it became obvious that no further explanation was forthcoming.
"Well it's obvious isn't it?" Fili spoke up, "Clearly what's happened is that while Bilbo and Uncle were courting, there was another elf vying for Bilbo's affections, adorable little hobbit that he is."
Kili nodded, "But clearly Uncle won, I mean any sane person would choose such a majestic and strong dwarf over one of those poncy elves any day. Also, that there was going to be a marriage pretty much excuses anything else."
"And I don't think he was such a grumpy-pants to Bilbo either."
"I mean, you've seen the way that they act around each other. They're very familiar with the other's habits and seem to go from tearing out throats angry to almost loving exasperation."
"And then the problem with the elves we have now is, that if Uncle did indeed walk away from the wedding, then obviously Bilbo, far away from his little hobbit-hole, and not knowing what to do with himself…"
"He went back to the elves!" All of the dwarves turned so suddenly at the new voice that more than one complained of whiplash later to Oín.
"Well done Ori!" Cried the devil brothers in tandem. The shy dwarf blushed and sat back down I his chair, burying his head in his note-book.
"Yes he went to the elves." Continued Fili, "Who most likely let him stay with them for a while to heal his broken heart at being left by the dwarf he was going to spend the rest of his life with and then took him back home to his grandfather the hobbit king when he was feeling better."
Gloin rolled his eyes at their youngests' creative descriptions but spoke anyway, "Which is what leads us to Elrond trying to burn a hole through our king's head with his eyes. What do we do about that?"
Balin grinned evilly, "Why nothing of course. If Thorin wants to make silly decisions on his own, then he can clean up after his mistakes himself." He crossed his arms with an air of finality.
"You are mad brother."
Oín, having finally caught up with the conversation, began to cackle madly in his chair. "HA! If Thorin thinks he's got it bad now, just wait until he has to meet Bilbo's grandfather." He paused for moment, "Serves him right, it was a foul thing our king did, leaving Bilbo like that."
There was a moment of silence.
"Aye, in this way I'm…. thankful" Gloin cringed, "To the elves. I suspect Bilbo would have broken without them. I know I wouldn't have wanted to go on if my wife had left me."
"So," started Fili, "I bet 10 coins that Uncle and Bilbo get together again before we reach Erebor."
His brother grinned, "That's a sucker's bet, brother. I bet 15 that they try to kill each other once we leave Rivendell."
There was a great clamour as more and more bets were made.
"-declare their undying love"
"-Bilbo goes back to his Elf-lover"
"-Lord Elrod asks Bilbo to marry him"
"It's Elrond" "-nobody cares"
"-The elves try to kill Uncle!"
"I bet that they kiss!" Shouted Ori
"No! I'll take that bet Ori."
"I bet 50 silver coins that they end up kissing before we leave Rivendell!"
"I'm with Ori! They're going to kiss!"
"No! Fight to the death!"
"Kiss!"
Balin banged on the table again. "Order, ORDER!"
The dwarves stared at him again.
"We have to take that mug off of him" Whispered Dwalin to Nori.
The theif nodded, "I'm on it."
"I said order!" Balin practically screamed.
The dwarves finally settled down, more out of fear than respect.
"Mwahahaaha! Mwahahaa!" yelled Balin, "I have all the Power!" banging down his empty fist on to the table. "ow! What the-?"
He examined the spot where not two minutes ago there was a mug.
Dwalin looked to Nori, who he hadn't even seen move, impressed.
Nori raised a smug eyebrow. He was the best there was.
Balin seemed to recover himself.
"Alright," he said, "I want everybody who thinks our leader and his ex-fiancée will kiss on my right, and all those who think that they'll kill one another on my left so I can make a note."
There was some shuffling and a couple of scuffles that were quickly resolved before any more megalomaniacal laughter could commence.
"Right, so, it's a pretty even split, with 5 on each side and myself and Bofur remaining impartial judges on this particular bet." He made a note of the amounts being paid and was about to say more when an elf walked up to them.
This surprised quite a few of the Dwarves who were sure that they had barricaded the door to the room they had taken.
"How did you get in?" Asked Kili
The elf looked at them incredulously, "You do realise you're sitting in one of the dining halls, right?" The dwarves stared at him (her? How the hell are you supposed to tell them apart when none of them have beards?).
The (most likely) male elf sighed and pointed to the other side of the room where a set of doors lay wide open. A set of doors which were 3 meters away from another set that had somehow been barricaded by several spare chairs and a small table.
The dwarves shuffled sheepishly for a moment and the elf took pity on the inferior creatures. "My Lord Elrond bids you to join him at the evening meal." He made a shoeing motion towards the door with his arms.
There was much grumbling (and one or two good natured swears) but the dwarves eventually trotted out of their make-shift conference room, the elf swiftly leading them down one of the many ornate corridors.
"This is ridiculous, being herded like some form of common sheep!"
"Would you rather be left to wander the halls on your own, master Dwarf?" The elf tilted his head, peering down at them from his unnatural height.
Gloin harrumphed, but remained silent and the elf wandered further and further into the depths of Rivendell, until they finally reached what should have been a feasting room, but apparently was actually the salad table.
Unsurprisingly, grumbling ensued, especially when Tharkûn (and where did he get to?) and their "host" turned up, laughing. Laughing! Well, now we know where his priorities lie.
"Oh look," Spoke up Kili, "Its uncle and Mr. Bilbo."
And indeed, Thorin and Bilbo had snuck in behind the needlessly tall people and were sat at the head table.
"How did Balin sneak up there as well?" Asked Fili, for indeed their resident negotiator (who they suspected the stress of the travel was not doing any favours for his mental health) had snuck away from them and was making merry at the high table with their mortal enemies and their king and his on again off again wife (husband?).
The feast was something of a disappointment. No real food there, and severely watered down ale. The background music was more annoying than calming and the hosts paid little attention to us. Overall, Oín would rate it 4/7. Definitely could use improvement.
"All right lads, there's only one thing for it…
~There's an inn, there's an inn~
"Bofur, get your feet off of the table, by Mahal, I don't care if it is elves, were none of you taught any manners?! It's embarrassing, that's what it is, and unsanitary. Why -"
Ori and nori each clasped a hand over their eldest brother's mouth.
"Ignore him! Liven up this wake"
~There's a merry old inn, beneath an old grey hill~
"Go Bofur!"
Fists banged on tables and feet stomped as much as they were able whilst sitting crossed legged, which actually meant that dwarves were kicking their neighbour dwarves rather hard in the shins to the beat of Bofur's song.
~And there they brew a beer so brown~
Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Bifur decided to throw some offensive lettuce at his cousin. This didn't happen, but he did manage to hit Kili with the monstrosity, who then threw it back, whereupon the most adventurous piece of lettuce ever since Hubert Sweetleaf (who was carried across an entire battlefield in a sandwich by James Jameson (whose son was named James Jameson Jameson) by decree of his wife who thought he should have a snack in case the armies agreed on a quick ten minute break between strategies) hit Gloin.
~The man in the moon himself came down, one night to drink his fill~
Unfortunately, by then no one was paying any attention to Legolas (the lettuce (he's an Elvish lettuce, so he has an Elvish name. it's nobody's fault that Thranduil named his son Greenleaf but his own.)) as there were various pieces of vegetables flying everywhere. Especially, and entirely coincidentally if anyone asks, towards the Elven musicians.
~Ooooh… The ostler has a tipsy cat~
Eventually Dori joined in the festivities as well, and more dwarves were singing along.
~That plays a five-stringed fiddle~
Others of the company decided to sing along, in a way that could only really be described as "merrily"
~And up and down he saws his bow~
~Now squeaking high, now purring low~
For some reason Gandalf was looking apologetically at Lord Leafeater, don't see why, he encouraged this behaviour in the Lord Consorts house, and now it's wrong?
Double standards much?
~Now sawing in the middle~
In the end the festivities wound down under the blistering glare of the exiled King. The Dwarven Company quailed in terror as Thorin Oakenshield stomped towards them only to sweep past their table and out into the hall.
Bilbo for some reason had his hands clasped to his face and was shaking uncontrollably.
The dwarves shuffled out of the dining hall, contrite, and none of them caring to speak up about their impeding misplaced-ness within the elven… what was this? Some kind of castle? With decorative waterfalls?
Clearly being abandoned by their illustrious leaders, the company of Thorin Oakenshield, minus the betrayer that was Balin, proceeded to source themselves some real food.
"So what do you think about all this map business?"
There was silence for a moment whilst they all considered the reason that they had been brought to Rivendell in the first place.
"I'm not sure that I believe that this elf knows something when Gandalf doesn't"
There were murmurs of agreement all round.
"Well, what you have to remember is that Gandalf might be a wizard, but he is also made from a Man. The elf ponce is probably twice as old as Gandalf is."
The members of the company all turned to Ori in surprise. He looked up from his knitting at the silence to find several sets of eyes staring incredulously at him.
"What? I'm a scholar, well, in training anyway, we're expected to know these things. I bet that's why Balin is so on-board with all of this."
The Dwarves continued staring at their youngest member for a while longer before they went back to their business of wandering about the place in the hope that they stumbled upon the kitchens. Apparently, Elves weren't vegetarians, being quite renowned as hunters, so they very easily could have provided their guests a nice piece of venison at the very least. Just providing leaves and bread was meant as a joke, a way to tease their most hated enemies, at least that was what Ori, their resident expert had said, and as such the grunts of the company were not fantastically happy at the moment.
It was luck that had led them to the kitchens. Luck, and absolutely not much else. Kili and Fili had begun another argument between themselves as they were wont to do, and when Nori, under the encouraging glare of his elder brother, moved to try and separate them he was pushed over a balcony railing, down a flight of stairs and through a door. Nori, being a Dwarf and therefore of a relatively sturdy constitution, would have been fine from such a fall, although the stairs did add a new element to the danger and being the curious creatures that they are, this led to the rest of them (Kili, Fili, Oín, Gloín, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Ori, and Dwalin) racing after him either in guilt, concern, or curiosity. Of course, Nori had managed to discover the kitchen, or one of them, completely deserted since by this time it was quite late at night, and had already brushed off any injuries he may have accrued (slight bruising, and he'd be sore in the morning) in favour of finding some decent food.
In the end, they decided on relocating all of the food they could carry to their shared bedroom, which was not technically stealing. It was moving with malicious intent, as long as none of it actually left the house. In this way they forgot about the clandestine meeting held in a cave that very night, and they, to the surprise of their hosts, managed to pass the rest of the time in the elven "paradise" with much gusto and cheer, knowing full well that the elven maids would never clean anything they were actually living in, and as such that they had a plentiful supply of proper food for a good couple of weeks. They even decided to have a bathe in the elven fountain, which was also a punishment to themselves, taking off their armour in what may as well have been enemy territory. It was fun though.
Especially the face on Lord Prissy's aide.
Especially the way their king abandoned all dignity and jumped in after them.
Especially the way that Mr Baggins walked in on the scene, took one look and walked straight off again.
Especially when this little midget of a man who for some reason could only speak Sindarin decided that they were much better than the stuffy elves he had been hanging out with and immediately stripped down to join them.
Especially how a whole herd of the leaf-eaters came barrelling into the courtyard in the most ungraceful way they had ever seen an elf move and then helplessly stood at a safe distance away from the fountain, hands outstretched, unable to decide between being so close to the dwarves against saving their obviously precious charge.
Eventually they were escorted out of the fountain, it seemed as though Bilbo had ran off to find them all towel from when they were inevitably evicted from the courtyard and had already set a fire in their room to warm them as the sun had made his way across the world some time ago and a night chill was setting in. The boy was eventually stolen from them, by a smiling Bilbo, who had picked him up (with great difficulty, them being roughly the same size) and placed him in the arms of an obviously worried elf maid(?) who had looked close to fainting earlier. The boy was half asleep already and a small smile fell on her face. She walked off with a small nod to Bilbo and a contemplative look towards the dwarves.
The days went on as such in joy and the company of Thorin Oakenshield felt that they had lived far more these few weeks than they had since before they could almost remember. They had forgotten to search for the history between their leader and their elf host, that is was bad history no one could fault them on.
In fact if it wasn't for this one, teensy, tiny, incident that could have been overlooked really, but wasn't, their time spent in the House of Elrond after they found a Pantry would have been perfect.
It wasn't a dark and stormy night, in fact, it was the middle of the day and the weather was almost perfect, the dwarves were wondering what they were going to do for fun that day, none of them really understanding why they were staying so long and in the end just deciding to take things as they came, so they were wandering around the Last Homely House East of the Sea trying to find something interesting (read: some unlucky sod to annoy).
It was an innocent day, they were innocent, until they saw… IT
It was Balin who saw it first, he was leading the expedition and as such chose which doors to go through and when. Nobody thought anything of it when he suddenly stilled and stared, mouth gaping, into the room. Nobody else knew what was in there and it wouldn't be the first time they had found something interesting enough to pause.
After more than a few moments had passed, however, they thought differently.
It was Nori who came up to him curiously that was next frozen, and similarly his elder brother. His younger brother, Ori, however, whooped in joy at the sight that befell him and held out his hands suggestively to his fellow dwarves. This of course encouraged the rest of them to go and see what was happening all at once in a great clamour, although the occupants of the room didn't seem to notice.
Lo and behold was their King, Thorin standing with his back to them stock still, his arms stretched out somewhere in front of him.
With two tiny hobbit hands grasped into his hair, the rest of Bilbo hidden behind him and the rest of the company hidden behind Thorin in turn.
The 12 dwarves stood in the doorway for a moment, before by mutual agreement they all retreated slowly back to their rooms in silence, at first for the secrecy and then when what they had seen had processed; in shock. In what other way were they supposed to interpret that intimate position between their leader and his ex-fiancé?
Many different thoughts were going through our heroes' heads as they finally settled themselves in their commandeered room:
"I am too old for this" was prominent in some of the more experienced member's minds, Balin in particular.
"At least Bilbo cannot birth Uncle an heir" featured in the thoughts of the two trickster princes.
"How sweet, why this reminds me of how I met my darling wife…" for Gloin, and also surprisingly, Bombur.
"How entirely indecent" was Dori's opinion, unsurprisingly.
Many wondered how they had gotten to this state, the relationship between King Thorin and Mr. Bilbo still relatively new to them.
Ori just laughed, until Nori asked why he was having such a mental breakdown, to which he replied: "You all owe me so much money!"
Which was true. And give it to him they did, after resolving to hopefully act as if nothing had happened at all and to erase the image from their minds, as was proper.
Not one of them noticed the mysterious visitors that arrived that night clad in white.