Author's Note: Sorry this chapter took so long. WARNING, stronger language in this chapter. I loved your guys's reviews of the last chapter so keep them coming!

Chapter Ten: Losing Himself

Nate sat down on his bed and took off his suit jacket. The funeral had just ended yet Nate still couldn't comprehend that the girl he had fought for was gone, and in no way could she come back.

Nate reached under his bed and grabbed the Colombia sweater Jenny used to always wear. He looked down at the pile of fabric and saw her dancing in it, he saw her lying down on his arm in it. They only had a few days together, a limited time that he wish he knew about.

"Nathaniel," he heard Chuck's voice from behind. Chuck went to Jenny's funeral; Nate couldn't believe he had the nerve.

"Fuck off Chuck," Nate whispered, still holding the sweater.

"No, Nathaniel, you need…"

"Screw you Chuck! You don't know what I need, you didn't give a shit about Jenny when you just left her there for Blair!" Nate threw down the sweater and stood up from the bed.

"I treated her with respect," Chuck began.

Nate walked furiously towards Chuck and shoved him against the wall.

"She was a great girl, you didn't deserve her, you should never have gotten to kiss her," Nate growled. He let go of Chuck and started heading out of his room.

"Nate," Blair whispered as she stood up from the couch. She wore an all black Valentino dress with a black headband. Nate stopped in his path and turned towards her.

"Jenny cut her wrists because of you," he stated.

"I had no clue," Blair choked. Her eyes started tearing up, and for once Nate felt like Blair actually had sympathy. But that feeling was soon replaced with hatred. Hatred for Chuck and Blair, even Dan for blaming it on Nate. Blaming his sister's death on him, the only person who stood by her when she needed someone. The only reason he was allowed to the funeral was because Serena talked to Rufus.

Nate headed out of the penthouse and hopped into his limo.

"Heaven's Trail Graveyard," He said to the driver.

"Let us commend Jennifer Tallulah Humphrey to the mercy of God." The priest began a prayer about love and loss and sacrifice and a life well lived. Everything that seemed like B.S. to Nate.

Rufus made a speech with Dan about how special Jenny was. All Nate wanted to do was go say something himself.

"Would anyone else like to give a speech about Jennifer?" Nate raised his hand and the preacher nodded him up.

"Jenny, was the most spectacular girl I've known in a while." He looked down and saw Dan giving him the death glare while Serena looked at him with pity. Next to her was Blair, and next to Blair was Chuck, with his straight face showing no sorrow, even Blair had a hint of regret and sadness in her eyes. "She had her ups, and her downs. Some times I didn't ever think I could forgive her, and sometimes I felt like her joy lit up a room like a sun." His voice began to shake as the tears began to fall. "Four years ago, we were together, three years ago, she loved me, but I couldn't return the favor. And I regret my decisions every day." He looked down at the lifeless body in the coffin. Her face, even more pale than before, and her makeup nowhere near what it normally is like. "But…" He contemplated continuing the lie of him being the father, "About Three months ago, I had the opportunity to see her again, and this…. resulted in…. in our child." He again looked down at her body and saw that she was wearing a black dress with pink pearls. "And last week, I saw Jenny again. I fell in love, and we didn't get the chance we desereved to have together, and that is just…." Her hair was in loose curls down her chest. "Not fair. But in the end, no matter what, I love you Jen."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered under his breath. He started to walk away from the funeral not able to take a minute of it.

"We therefore commit her body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life."