Chapter 10: Wargses and Eagles and Bears, oh my!
Due to the lack of comedic pacing, the scene abruptly switches from Gollum's cave to a green glen with a great stand of pine trees on the far side of the mountain. Bilbo proudly stuck his thumbs in his vest and concluded with an air of satisfaction, "…And that, dear Gandalf and master dwarves, is how I escaped the creature Gollum and the goblins and passed through the secret door."
Gandalf gaped in disbelief at Bilbo and said, "Ummm...but you haven't told us anything."
"I haven't?" Bilbo replied obliviously.
"No, you began at the finish with no start or in-between whatsoever," Thorin said in annoyance.
"Well, you know what they say: keep it secret, keep it safe," Bilbo said with a wink.
"I have heard that before," muttered Thorin.
"Yes, it does sound vaguely familiar," Gandalf agreed, "but I fail to see how it applies..."
But Gandalf's inquiry was cut short, as the baleful sound of howling and growling wargs echoed through the hills.
"What's that?" Bilbo said with a start.
"Our next big-budget action sequence," Gandalf cried as he jumped to his feet. "Run everyone! The wargs are coming!"
"Dash it all!" Thorin cursed mildly in hopes of obtaining a PG rating. "The slopes are too steep hereabouts. We can't outrun them, and we have no weapons. We'll have to climb the trees!"
The panicked escapees frantically scrambled up the fir trees just in the nick of time, for the ferocious wargs -- huge wolfish creatures -- arrived in the clearing. The fierce beasts slathered and snarled around each tree, speaking in their gruff growls.
"What are they saying Gandalf?" Bilbo asked.
"I can't very well translate aloud, Bilbo, or else we may lose our PG rating," Gandalf said with a nod to Thorin. "Needless to say, they are being quite rude." He began cackling loudly and shouted down at the wargs, "How about a little fire, Scarecrow?" Then the ever-resourceful wizard immediately began pitching fiery fir-cones down on the dismayed wargs, which ignited as soon as they hit the beasts' mangy pelts (or, more poetically, flying fir-fire fearfully flaming foul fur, as it were).
"Hah! They're on the run!" Bilbo cried with joy. "Those are some hot dogs!" [A drum and snare sound in the distance with a pronounced 'ba-dump-bump']
But Gandalf did not share the hobbit's enthusiasm: "Ah, but look: the Goblins are here. It appears we are out of the frying pan and into the fire."
"Oh, I like that phrase!" Bilbo said gleefully. "Mind if I use that for the book I'm writing? The working title is 'Bilbo Baggins: A Glorious Retrospective of the Legendary Hero'."
"It might be titled 'Hobbit Hash' if we can't get out of this mess," Gandalf snapped. "Even now the Goblins are fanning the fire below us!"
"Garn, wha' do we 'ave 'eer me boyos?" one of the Goblins bellowed. "A captive audience, it seems! Janet, line up the sopranos and altos. I think some serenadin' is in order 'eer.
"Not more singing!" Gandalf cried glumly.
The goblins encircling the tree held hands and began swaying back and forth in time with the tune as if they were Girl Scouts caroling:
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
It reeks of scorching wizard's beard,
But in the warmth we still find cheer.
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
No use to chop to get our crop --
They're sure to drop before they pop!
O Crispy tree, O Crispy tree,
Burnt Dwarves atop thy branches!
One of the goblins began sobbing, "Sniff! That song always chokes me up."
"There, there, Betty," said Janet, "you always was a softy."
"Go way, little boys!" Gandalf shouted from atop the fir tree. "It's not time for your curdled carols! You know what happens to brats who play with fire?"
"I dunno," Janet shouted back, "but I'm sure you'll be a' telling us once you're well-done! Let's give him another, boyos!
Gandalf roasting on an open fire,
Dwarf beards singed below their nose.
Hobbit feet burnt up in the pyre,
And Orcs await the afterglow --
Everybody knows --
That turkey tastes like Hobbit toes,
Or chicken fingers fried just right.
'Tater-tots and mushrooms I'm told
Are the perfect sides for Baggins tonight…
But Janet the goblin suddenly looked skyward and shrieked, "Hey, look! What to my wond'ring eyes should appear?"
"What, a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer?" Betty replied.
"No, you dolt!" hissed Janet. "it's the Eagles!"
More rapid than coursers the eagles they came, And Gandalf whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Landroval! now, Thorondor! now, Meneldor and Gwaihir! On, Miley! on Lindsey! on, Paris and Britney!" To the top of the trees they had answered the call, grabbed them up in their talons, and dashed away all!
ooOOooOOoo
And so the Beagles, great fluffy puppies of the north, saved Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves from the dreadful fire set by the Goblins. These curious canines had sensed goblinish mischief afoot and had come down from their mountain kennels, baying boldly in the moonlight like their noble sires, the hunting hounds of the Vala Oromë...
*The narrator is handed a slip of paper*
Strike that last paragraph. It would seem it was the Eagles of the North that were the ones that saved the company from certain disaster; although why the Eagles rather than the Beagles did the saving is up for conjecture. I mean, after all, dogs have always been man's best friend, haven't they? Eagles are raptors, and would just as soon steal your sheep as look at you. Where were the Beagles? Were they hunting elsewhere, or was there perhaps a more sinister plot to keep dogs out of the story? Or cats for that matter! One mention of Huan the Hound in the Silmarillion, and one offhand remark regarding the cats of Queen Beruthiel in Lord of the Rings -- that's it! It's always the Eagles saving Gandalf here and rescuing Gandalf there, aiding in a battle here, swooping to Mount Doom there. No Fido or Tabby in several thousand pages!
*The narrator is handed another slip of paper*
Well, it seems I've been sacked. Damn.
*Cut-scene to one-dimensional Eagle puppets carrying cardboard dwarves skyward against a static blue background set*
"Thank you very much for the ride!" Bilbo shouted and waved as the birds flew off. "I'd always heard that Beagles were noble creatures!"
"Eagles," Gandalf corrected.
"Right," Bilbo said. "Ummm...where are we at present?"
"We are at the Carrock," Gandalf answered.
"Carrot?" Bilbo muttered.
"No, Carrock," Gandalf replied more firmly.
"And what is a Carrock, exactly?" Bilbo asked.
"It is what he calls it," Gandalf said nonchalantly.
"He who?"
"He who named the Carrock. It is what he calls such things."
"Whom?"
"Whom?"
"Yes, whom? The person who named the Carrock."
"That's right."
"What's right?"
"He is the person who named the Carrock."
"Yes, but who is he?"
"I just told you."
By now, Bilbo was becoming very annoyed. "Look, I don't want to get caught up in an Abbott and Costello comedy routine! Who is he?"
"Bilbo, I shan't tell you anything further if you're not going to listen," Gandalf said with pronounced grumpiness.
Bilbo bit his lip and said very slowly, "Alright…let's try this again…this is the Carrock."
"Yes."
"And he who named the Carrock a Carrock did so because that is what he calls such things."
"Precisely!"
"And what is his name, this person who calls Carrocks a Carrock?"
"Beorn."
"A-HA!" Bilbo shouted. "And who is he?"
"He is the person who named the Carrock."
Bilbo sighed in exasperation, "I probably won't be getting anything further out of you, will I?"
"Most likely not."
"Right then, off we go."
But Gandalf stopped Bilbo short and said to the whole company, "Ah, but before we go, I must warn you all, Beorn is not a man to be trifled with. When we reach his home, perhaps it would be better if I introduced you in pairs rather than all at once.
"But that could take all night!" Thorin groaned.
Gandalf shrugged and stated matter-of-factly, "It is better than having your limbs ripped off and being pummeled about the head and neck with your arm or leg."
"Yes, yes...I suppose you have a point there," Thorin said hesitantly, "but what sort of a man would do such a thing?"
Gandalf thought for a moment, and then answered, "Well, I've heard tell that when he is riled Beorn becomes a giant tree sloth."
"A tree sloth?" Thorin said in amazement. "They're rather lazy and moss-covered aren't they? Not the type of creatures to be ripping limbs off."
"No…no, you're right," Gandalf mumbled in embarrassment. "Perhaps it was a large badger --or a menacing aardvark."
"Yes, they do get antsy, I suppose," Bilbo sniggered.
Bombur peered about in evident apprehension, and whispered fearfully, "I've 'eard tell the squirrels in these parts are quite nasty. Black as coal, they are, and go right after your nuts."
"No wait, I have it!" Gandalf shouted (totally ignoring the fat dwarf). "Beorn turns into a great bear and roams the land at night."
Bilbo began to fidget and said nervously, "Ummm...perhaps we should just skip going to Beorn's house altogether then."
"Oh, stop fidgeting!" Gandalf growled and smacked Bilbo on the top of his head. "Beorn is a very kindly man. It's just that sometimes he gets a bit testy. So don't aggravate him."
"Or else he'll rip my limbs off and pummel me about the head and neck with my arm or leg?" Bilbo squeaked.
Gandalf beamed proudly at his puny protégé. "See? You are very bright when you actually listen."
Hello, Narrator number three here! Yep, Narrator the Third, or just plain Narrator #3. I am actually quite excited to be narrating this tale for you, as it is my first time doing omniscient third person narration work. Well, there was that brief bit I did back in school as God in The Ten Commandments. "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" Ha-ha! Good times, good times! Hmmm? What? Oh yes, sorry. Tune in next week as Bilbo and company visit Beorn's house. I am rather looking forward to seeing Bilbo aggravating Beorn and getting his limbs torn off, aren't you?