L'Chayim

Chapter Ten

"My Stubborn Will is Learning to Bend"

She extends her hand; he deposits his burden on the mattress and takes her hand as he climbs up to join her, instantly wrapping his arms around her. "Mom will be up in a few," he whispers into her damp and tangled hair, pulling her against his chest. "I got the phone, juice for you. Motrin for you and Tylenol PM for both of us." The things he'd discussed downstairs with his mother can wait for now; he kisses her forehead, murmuring, "I love you so much. I'm never gonna leave you, ever. You're my wife... you're never gonna be alone."

Quinn's head presses against the solidity of his chest, and it feels so right being here with him after everything that happened today. Nothing about this day has been good, except the fact that Quinn Puckerman has a wonderful husband who loves her, even throughout the hardest times she's ever been forced to experience. She feels safe and protected with his arms surrounding her, more than she ever feels without them.

"I love you," she chokes, clinging to him for a moment, before moving away from him and forcing herself to compose a little. She reaches out to take Puck's working phone, dialing her mom's phone number. Judy answers, and Quinn has to explain what had happened, hurriedly assuring her mom that she is physically okay, and that Puck's mom is taking care of her. Judy is relieved - brokenhearted, but relieved. "Mom," Quinn finally says, "I... can we talk to Beth?"

Her husband's heart breaks even more as he listens to her speak. It makes sense that Quinn would handle her mother, and he knows that they [well, Quinn], made the right decision in wanting to tell Beth what had happened. Beth's his daughter. She notices everything and she's fiercely protective of Quinn. Nana Connie had died a little more than a year earlier, around the Hanukkah when Beth was four, and she'd participated in shivah [A/N: the Jewish period of mourning] and at yahrzeit[A/N: the Jewish recognition of the anniversary of the death] to the extent that was appropriate. She was young and a great-granddaughter, but still part of Nana Connie's closest family. Now, she's one of the seven immediate relations to their baby, and, depending on what the rabbi deems appropriate, she'll be welcome to participate. He holds Quinn as close as possible as she and Beth speak.

Judy puts Beth on the phone, and Quinn fights back tears as she speaks. "Hi, baby. Did you have fun with Uncle Kurt? And Grandma Judy?"

Beth prattles on a little bit about Princess Time with Uncle Kurt, and what Grandma Judy made for dinner, and Quinn listens quietly, like a good mother would. When Beth slows down, Quinn knows that she needs to tell her what happened. She can't have her come home and realize that Puck and Quinn are sad and that Mommy's belly is gone, and not understand why.

Forcing the words past the lump in her throat, she says softly, "Beth, there's something Mommy needs to tell you, okay? The baby... in Mommy's belly... well, he went to be with Nana Connie, okay? And Mommy and Daddy are very sad right now, because we wanted the baby to be with our family..." Tears flow freely down her cheeks as she assures Beth that Mommy and Daddy love her, and are very happy they have her, and when Beth wants to know if Mommy's belly is still okay, Quinn promises that it is. "Mommy is going to be just fine, baby girl. I love you... I'm gonna let you talk to Daddy now. Goodnight, sweetie."

When she presses the phone into his palm, her face streaked with tears and voice soft with sobs, he holds her even more tightly. He can press her flush against him, now, because there's no firm bulge to separate them. "Hey, Bee," he murmurs into the phone, a faint smile crossing his lips at the sound of her voice. Their daughter even sounds sad, after the conversation with Quinn. He doesn't envy Judy right now, because she'll have to comfort Beth and reassure her that everything will be fine in the end. "We love you, okay? We're just really sad right now and we're doing some grown-up stuff and we have to talk to Rabbi Greenberg, and we can't do a lot of playing right now. But Grandma Judy said she'd play with you and you can be as loud as you wanna be and chase all the monsters you wanna chase at her house. I don't know how long you're gonna stay there, baby. Tonight and maybe tomorrow night, but if you want me to get some of your toys and your KISS pajamas and bring them to you, I can do that or Bubbeh can do it. We're gonna be here, baby. If you wanna talk to us, just tell Grandma Judy. You can call us anytime, Bee. We love you, baby. We're always gonna love you, even when we're sad, and you're always gonna be special to me and Mommy. We're just sad, like we were sad when Nana Connie went away. The baby went to be with Nana Connie, so she wouldn't be alone... and because Avinu [A/N: Jewish aspect of God meaning "our father"] knew that Mommy and Daddy needed you to stay with us." There, he thinks to himself. Now she won't think that she needs to go with Nana Connie. "We love you, baby. And we'll see you soon. I need to take care of Mommy right now, okay? Bubbeh's with us and she's taking care of me, because she's mymommy. You can talk to us whenever you want, okay? And we'll try and see you tomorrow. Tell Grandma Judy what you want us to bring for you and I'll call her tomorrow." He makes a few soft kiss noises into the phone. "I love you, baby." Tears stream down his face, dripping onto the pillow as he cuddles Quinn closer. "I'm gonna go now, okay? Go to sleep, and be a good listener for Grandma. Okay, Bee. I love you, too." He swallows as he ends the call, reaching behind Quinn to deposit the phone on the nightstand. "That was so hard," he whispers into Quinn's hair.

Quinn nods. It was probably the hardest thing they'd ever done, short of what they'd done earlier that day. The tears stream down their faces, soaking the pillow until it's not clear whose tears are whose anymore. She clings to him, her head tucked into the hollow of his neck. It's how they always hold each other when they feel like this - lost, alone, and unsure.

The soft knock on the door tells them that Puck's mom is there, and Quinn's eyes dart to the door. "Come in, Bubbeh," she says, her voice choked.

I wanted to come up and check on you, Quinn, she says. She had heard their explanations to Beth, and she's pretty sure they couldn't have explained it any better. How do you feel? Physically, I mean.

"Weak - and exhausted." She's still crying. "My stomach hurts, and..." She cuddles closer to Puck. "Thank you for coming to help us..." she says quietly.

It's fine, Quinn. Thank you for calling me, Puck's mother tells her gently, her hands moving slowly to rest with one on Quinn's hair and the other at the back of her son's neck. I don't know if Noah told you, but I took care of everything downstairs. You don't have to worry about anything, and I can stay tonight if you want me to. I took care of him, and I'll call Rabbi Greenberg and Dr. Wu's office if you'd like me to. There's shmirah, and I can be his shomeret [A/N: the guardian in a shmirah, shomer for a male and shomeret for a female] if you don't think you can. I don't know what the rabbi will do, but he knows how much you both wanted this baby. He's as real as Beth is. Like Judy had done a year earlier, she'll stand up for her children in matters of religion and justice. She can see how it's utterly breaking their hearts; they've gone through so much to have this baby and it's ended in so much sorrow.

Looking back at Puck, she says softly, "Can... can we name him now?" she doesn't want to push him, and God knows she'd die if she pushed him too hard and he pulled away. But after 5 years, he never has. And she needs him now more than ever.

Puck nods, kissing Quinn's forehead gently. "I'll rub your belly... my love... like I used to, if you want," he whispers against her skin before she pulls away to gaze up at him with wet eyes. "I want to name him. Mom, could you... bring him up to us?" His hand carefully rubs his wife's back. "We can be shomer. He should stay with us, he's our baby, and it's probably not gonna be - traditional or anything. But could you... handle everything? Dr. Wu, the rabbi? We want to bury him. Jewish if we can, but he stays in the blanket." Although tradition would dictate a tachrichim, a white burial shroud, he's only a baby, and he's staying in the blanket that his mother made for him. "And the Berrys." He kisses his wife's forehead once more. "I'll get the name book, Quinny. We'll do this the right way."

Quinn's afraid. Afraid of how much it's going to hurt to see her baby wrapped in the blanket she made him. She'd had so many grand ideas of seeing her tiny baby, beautiful and safe, wrapped in that blanket and safe in her arms. And that wasn't how it was going to go at all. She was at a loss for words, but her eyes told Puck's mother how very thankful she was for her help. Remembering well how Puck used to rub her belly with stretch mark reducing lotion, Quinn nods. "It... It'll feel weird," she says softly. At least, it had felt weird after Beth was born. She'd like it if he rubbed her belly, but she still feels weird about it... self-conscious about how it feels.

Puck rises to grab the book from their bookshelf, and Quinn's body literally aches from the loss of contact. She wants him touching her all the time, so she can feel that he's still there. It sounds strange, but when she's not touching him, it's like he's not there.

Puck's mom is back at the door soon with a wicker basket. Quinn recognizes the soft yellow of the blanket she'd made, but she doesn't see the baby yet, and she's nervous - no - not nervous - terrified. Involuntarily, she shuts her eyes, and holds her hand out to Puck. She doesn't want to see him until Puck is holding her again.

Author's Note:

BritBrat1992 and quinnfabrayxxx, thank you! We're so glad that you continue to follow us and let us know that you think we're moving in the right direction with our story. We hope that you continue to enjoy it, and that the eventual ending will be just as pleasing.

Written-in-hearts, for some reason, we tend to have an easier time writing angst and emotion. [We still haven't decided if this is good or bad.] The emotion will lighten and we have something different in mind that we're beginning to write, but it's definitely quite a few chapters away. Thank you so much for taking the time to let us know what you think.

finchelquickftw, thank you for continuing to follow us! We do our best to write a kind of story that we'd follow if we were the readers, and, while we feel good about what we've written, it's reassuring that others feel the same.

lucklessforhim, thank you so much for your compliments! It's always a bit difficult to write from a man's point of view when the writer is a woman, so we're glad that we're doing a believable job of it. It's perfectly fine to ask any question you'd like - and, yes, Puck's writer is Jewish. We do a fair amount of web-searching for spellings and to ensure that we're accurate on the definitions so that we can explain it to our readers. We hope that you continue to enjoy our story.