Chapter 9: Memories

School dragged on. I now fought with myself on whether or not I should trust Jessica with any more information but I decided it would be best to keep things normal. I never told her about what had happened last night. The entire day I couldn't think of anything other than my therapy lesson later on. I was both anxious and terrified. I wanted to see Edward and that fact scared me. I hated myself for enjoying his company so much. I am afraid that I am losing myself to him. This is exactly what had happened to me when I met James.

No, how dare I compare James to someone like Edward. Edward is trying desperately to help me get better because of what James had done to me. Still no matter how much I wanted to trust Edward, my more intelligent side reminded me that he was a man. He was a man just like James and Charlie.

When the final school bell rang I gathered my things into my bag. Jessica did the same next to me. I was debating whether or not to tell her I was going to walk myself to the meeting but I decided it would be better to allow Jessica to drive me.

"You ready?" She asked me before she picked up her bag.

"Yeah."

"Hey would it be too much for you if you rode home with Edward? I talked to him earlier before school, I am really sorry Bella but I have to help my mom with dinner tonight. She's having some party for a friend or something."

I thought for a moment. I felt like she was becoming more of a traitor by the second. I knew she would eventually have to leave me to go to these meetings alone but I had just started. I remembered riding alone yesterday with Edward and I was content in the car with him. A part of me wanted to be alone with him, of course this was the less smart part of me.

"Yeah, that's fine."

"I promise I'll make it up to you, tomorrow me and Angela are going out looking for prom dresses and then we'll have dinner. You can give us some advice if you want? I know you never go to the dances."

"Um, sure I'll go with you guys."

I didn't really like dresses. To me they seemed to be too revealing to men. I know going to a dance would never happen again in my life. The last time I had gone to a dance was with James and that was when my extreme fear began. I shook away the horrible memory.

When we were in the car and driving the memory clouded my mind. Nothing I tried to do could get rid of it.

"Aren't your parents home?"

I asked when I stepped in the doorway of James' house. It was a very small house and the neighborhood was quite small.

"You forget I am out of high school. I ditched those losers years ago."

I didn't like his tone. This entire night he had been acting weird, almost seductive.

"Hey where is your bathroom, I'm sick of wearing a dress. I brought a change of clothes."

"Go straight down that hall and take a right at the end."

I walked slowly down the hall and without looking I walked in and closed the door behind me. When I looked up I noticed I wasn't in the bathroom, instead I was in his bedroom. The door behind me opened. I looked and James stared at me. He had his shirt off and now I started to get scared.

"I'm sorry, I walked into the wrong room."

When I tried squeezing past him he blocked the door with his body.

"Oh no girl, you picked the right room."

"Bella?! Are you all right?"

It wasn't until I heard Jessica's frightened voice that I realized I was hyperventilating. I rubbed my cheeks to find moist tears streaming them.

"Bella whats wrong?"

I tried to calm myself enough to be able to speak to her.

"Maybe I should tell my mom I can't be there?"

"No! No I'm fine just give me a second."

I wiped the rest of my tears away from my eyes and I calmed my breathing.

"I just... was remembering what... what he did."

"Bella, forget everything about that creep."

"I'm trying, it's just so hard."

"I know. You understand though, that's why I got you into these sessions right? So you don't have to worry about that creep anymore."

I could only nod. I hated those memories. I wanted them all to be gone.

"Please, distract me."

For the rest of the drive she rambled on about random stuff from school. I was glad I didn't have to explain anything further. She knew that I needed someone to talk to be to distract me from my memories.We had finally reached the building and I jumped out. I followed Jessica like always and sat down where I always sat.

While we waited a familiar face showed up. Edward walked up with Mystery trailing beside him. She immediately came up to me and placed her head in my lap. I gladly rubbed her ears for her.

"Hello." Edward sat down next to me. I looked at him and tried to smile. With the replaying memories running through my head it was difficult to enjoy his presence.

"Hi." It was all I could force myself to say right now. I hoped that after today's meeting I would begin talking to him freely again. Jessica watched us from the front desk. She looked worried. I smiled at her to let her know it was ok. She walked over anyway.

"So Edward, can you still take Bella home?" Edward looked at me. He looked like he was questioning his earlier decision.

"Yeah as long as thats ok with you Bella? I don't want to make you uncomfortable." I looked at him. I recalled his words from last night. I remembered how much I trusted him. Now I was beginning to see the craziness of that decision to trust him so much. I looked at Jessica and I knew how much she wanted to be with her mother right now. She was always sacrificing time for me and I didn't want to take any more of it.

"Yeah that's fine." I looked back at Mystery.

"Ok, I'll see you in the morning then ok Bella?" I nodded. She waved and turned away. When she was gone I felt a little nervous.

"Are you ok? You seem a little whiter than usual." I looked into his eyes. I hated myself for letting him get so close to me. Now whether I liked it or not Edward either saw me as a friend or a victim.

"Yeah I just, I don't want to talk about it." After I had said the words I immediately regretted my tone. To myself I sounded angry. I remember how much he had done for me last night and he didn't deserve to be treated like that.

"Ok, no problem. Sorry."He smiled at me and then looked at his hands.

The door to Dr. Cullen's room opened he called my name. I sighed and walked into the room. I realized that Edward stayed seated. I looked at him confused.

"Your not coming?" Why was upset about this? That is a good thing.

"No sorry, my dad said I needed to stay out of this one today. Here, take Mystery though." I softly took the leash but stared at him through sad eyes. For this I hated myself. I tried shaking it off and I headed into the room.

I took a seat at the couch as I normally had but unlike the other meetings Dr. Cullen sat at the couch across from me. I held Mystery tight.

"So Bella, you have been showing very nice improvements. I have to admit I was terrified when my son brought you home last night.I apologize if I was rude I just wondered why my son brought home a client of mine."

"So, you know what happened?" I shuddered at last nights events.

"Yes, I'm sorry for what happened. That certainly does not help anything." He sighed. He looked extremely ashamed for allowing it to happen though I knew it wasn't his fault. "So are you feeling more comfortable around men yet? You don't seem to mind Edward to much."

"Kinda. I just... Today I'm not feeling as brave as I was last night. Last night I felt like I could trust Edward which alone scared me for letting my mind be so vulnerable. Today I remembered something... something from my past and now... I'm having troubles trusting him."

"Would you be willing to share that memory?"

"No!" I said a little to loudly. "I'm sorry, I just don't like to talk about my past. To anyone."

"Thats quite alright. I never want to you push yourself too far."

The rest of the meeting I could feel myself relax a little bit more with every passing minute. I was thankful for this because I did not want to have to dread the car ride home alone with Edward. The more time I spent with him the more I began to want to see Edward again. I wasn't sure whether or not I should be relieved with that desire or to dread it. I decided for the moment it would be best that I wanted to be with him.

"Would you like Edward to come in?" Dr. Cullen must have seen my sad deep stare at the door. When he asked all I could do was nod and look down at the dog napping in my lap. Carlise let Edward in and I watch him come to sit next to me.

"Alright Bella, that should be good for today. You really are improving a lot better than I thought you would. So I understand Edward is taking you home?"

I nodded.

"Alright then I will see you in a couple of days Bella."

We all headed out the door and after we left Carlise called in the next client. We walked out of the building and to my surprise away from the parking lot.

"Do you mind going for a walk home? Jessica kinda caught me late, my siblings stole my car."

"No that's fine." Normally I probably would have said no but with Mystery's leash in my hand I felt a lot better. I remembered my behavior before and I felt guilty.

"Um, Edward?" He looked at me.

"What's up?"

"I'm sorry for how I acted earlier, I was just... I had remembered something from my past and it kinda freaked me out."

"Bella, you must know by now that it's alright." I smiled at me. "I understand completely. By the way if I ever pressure you into something like that again go ahead and slap me."

I had to laugh. He continued to look at me. I just stared at him confused. We stopped at a cross walk and he seemed to be struggling for words.

"Um, would this be going to fast for you?" He held out his hand for me. I looked at it for a minute, debating my decision. The crosswalk turned and we could walk through. Slowly I placed my hand in his.

"I've got to try sometime." I blushed slightly as he walked with me across the road.

We reached my street quicker than I thought we would. I was sad to realize he would be leaving me soon.

"Well here you are." He sounded just as disappointed as I was. Now I knew I was crazy. No man loved me. Not for real anyways, they only pretended and I was falling for it.

My heart told my mind that I was wrong and that somehow he cared for me. I considered inviting in the house but after much internal fighting I realized that would be going to quickly.

"Thank you Edward."

"Your welcome. I guess I'll see you later." I smiled at him as he turned. He waved back to me. I turned to head into the house. I couldn't believe how upset I was that he was gone. I laid down on the couch to try and clear my mind. I tried telling myself that I was crazy and that there was no way I could feel this way about him. No matter how hard my mind fought, my heart won. Edward was a man, though this may be true he was different. I loved him.