Hopefully this is IC. Please let me know!

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening. Sigh.

Hanschen

Love?

Melchior had told me, over and over, that I loved Ernst. How would he know? He didn't know anything about me! What was his problem?

These thoughts raced through my mind as I completed my walk home, alone.

It wasn't possible. There was no way that I could be in love with that child. Even now my heart softened as his image came to my mind. No. No! I had to figure out some way to prove to myself that I didn't love him…

My thoughts would not let me be as I spent a restless night trying to get some sleep. Every small bit of sleep, however, was met with a dream about him, and I was reflexively awakened to a nightmare of dark and silent night. The quiet was far too appropriate for thinking…

When the morning finally came, the bright sunlight poured in through my window and warmed my cheek, waking me abruptly from a dream of simply seeing his face. The warm feeling felt unwelcome, but strangely very fitting to the feelings the dream had stirred. Quickly, I got out of bed and jumped into an icy cold shower.

The rest of the morning passed similarly, and desperately I tried to numb myself to the rest of the world. I walked to school quickly and efficiently, but as I came to the fork where the two roads connected, I saw Melchior and, oh God, Ernst walking down the road. Ernst was chattering excitedly, about me I painfully assumed, and Melchior was listening intently with a rather amused expression. When Ernst spotted me, he stopped his in tracks, and his face broke out into a grin of pure happiness. He glanced at Melchior who nodded, and he broke away from him, beginning to walk toward me.

Oh. My. God. There was no way I could face him right now. I had to stay away from him. The feelings that were brewing so strong inside me had to go away, and I was achingly aware of the fact that he was the cause of them. I took a deep breath and effectively put on a mask, a wall that I could retreat behind. All of a sudden everything became clear. It was so simple. Just walk away from him. I would just have to find a new plaything; that was all he was to me. The lie rang sweet and simple in my mind.

I began to walk curtly away, not looking back at him once. I could hear his footsteps behind me. I began to walk faster, faster, but still I heard him. Finally, I broke into a run. His strained voice called out to me, and the sound of it pierced my wall. Was that a tear? Horrified, I felt the salty liquid slip down my cheek as I approached the school. I wiped it away and put on my mask again.

I sat at my desk, staring blankly into space. I looked up when I heard the door open, only to be met with a glare from Melchior and Ernst's reddened, tear streaked face. I averted my eyes before he could make eye contact.

"Class," Herr Sonnenstitch's voice provided a small distraction, "today you will be running the mile in gym class. Please go to the locker room and change into your running uniforms."

Damn… the locker room? I would now have to endure being so close to Ernst's nearly naked form. In any other situation I would consider this an asset, an opportunity to see that which I had not been able to undress yet, but the circumstances were different now.

The class as a whole let out a tired groan, and then each student reluctantly got up out of his seat and shuffled out the door. I kept my distance from everyone else as they joked and teased all the way to the locker room.

As the boys began to change my eye was all too quickly drawn to Ernst, who was glum and obviously self conscious in the corner as always. Desperately I glanced around the room for a distraction. My eyes fell on Bobby Mahler.

I will admit, Bobby was my first crush. I didn't know him very well. I had mostly liked him for his body. The first time I had seen him shower after gym I had nearly had a heart attack. That was when I was still…struggling with my sexuality. But when I had found him more attractive than any girl I had ever met, I gave up and embraced it.

I had considered trying to seduce him the way I had Ernst. Although I know it is hard to believe, I was not always a confident person. I went through a rather awkward stage around the time when I first started having dreams. It had started for me when I was much younger than the other boys, so I got over it fast. But either way Bobby hadn't seemed like the type to be easily seduced. I had more fantasies at the time of him seducing me.

As all of these thoughts whirled through my head, I had unwillingly zoned out on Bobby, who was changing across the room. When I suddenly came to, he was smiling awkwardly at me, and obviously he had noticed me staring. I tried desperately to control the blush that rose to my cheeks as I turned away.

I changed quickly and followed the other boys out of the locker room. As soon as I made it out the door I took off running. I knew the path we were supposed to run well. I passed Herr Sonnenstitch with his stopwatch at the starting line, not caring whether or not he was timing me. The air was cool for June; it was nice weather for running. Unfortunately I could not enjoy it. As I lapped the other boys, I tried to focus on ways that I could prove that I didn't… I shuddered at the thought. Quickly I reminded myself to put the mask back on. Again, it was so clear. Find someone else. It wouldn't be difficult to seduce another boy, what with my devastatingly good looks and irresistible charm. All that was left was to decide who the lucky boy would be.

Bobby Mahler.

He would be the perfect distraction. He was certainly attractive enough… I peacefully slipped into making plans.

Although I was the first to finish the mile, I kept running until we were called in. Running helped me blow off steam and gave me time to plan for later. Vaguely I wondered if Bobby could feel my eyes as I watched him run, and wondered if that would have a negative or positive effect. Either way I figured Ern-Bobby would be rendered defenseless.

The rest of the day passed in a haze. Robotically I completed my class work and avoided any and all thought. Finally, we were dismissed.

I gathered my things and rushed out the door, waiting just around the corner of the school building. I was ready for the kill, and I silently waited for my prey. At last I saw him come out the door, alone. Excellent.

"Hello Bobby," I growled seductively as I revealed myself.

"Uh… hi Hanschen…" he glanced at me curiously. Good. He was completely unaware. This was going to be fun.

"I was wondering if I could ask you a question," I smiled slyly.

"Um…sure."

"Wonderful. Please sit." I glanced around and made sure everyone else had left before gesturing to the soft grass.

Cautiously he sat down. I casually sat next to him, letting my eyes drift away before snapping them back in his direction. "You know Bobby… I think you and I are a lot alike."

He met my eyes with what I was sure was shy intimidation. How cute. "How so?"

I shot him a charming smile and prepared for my speech. It wasn't exactly original… but I didn't doubt that it would work.

"Well you see… I like to look at the future as a pale of whole milk. One man sweats and churns his milk to butter, like Otto, for example. Another man frets, and spills his milk, and cries all night, like Georg. But me, well…" I let my hand slide toward his so that our fingers were brushing. "…I'm like… a pussycat. I just skim off the cream…" I inched my face closer to his. "What about you, Bobby? Are you a pussycat too?"

"What are you talking about…?" Well that wasn't the response I was expecting…but I could still make it work.

I leaned in closer and raised my eyebrows. "Oh, I think you know exactly what I'm talking about," I whispered.

His eyes grew wide and he pulled away. "I uh think I have to go…" I remained utterly speechless as he got up and hastily walked away. How had that not worked? It had worked on… I pushed all thoughts of him out of my mind.

What the hell was I supposed to do now? I was growing desperate for a distraction. Thoughts of Ernst were looming threateningly at the corners of my mind. I brought my hands to my head and tried in vain to shake the thoughts away.

Suddenly, I heard giggling. I glanced up and saw three girls from town, Anna, Thea, and Martha, skipping by. Girls were not my taste, but I was thoroughly desperate. Quickly I stood and approached them.

I must have looked very disheveled. Anna, who was my neighbor and, from what I could tell, an almost disgustingly caring person, spoke as soon as she saw me. "Hanschen Rilow? Are you alright?"

Without speaking I stalked directly up to them and grabbed the closest girl, who happened to be Thea, by the arm. Roughly I pulled her toward me and forced my lips onto hers.

This was disgusting.

How could kissing a girl be appealing to anyone? She struggled forcefully but was no match for my strong grip. After a few short moments, I couldn't take it anymore and pulled away.

My cheek was immediately met by a hard slap. The expression on Thea's face was not one of pleasure, but of disgust.

"Ugh! What are you doing?" she exclaimed before darting away angrily, pulling each of her two friends by the hand.

Now I was dumbfounded. How had two people in a row resisted my advances? What was wrong with them?

After glaring after Thea for a few moments I turned back toward the school building. Instead of the welcome loneliness I was expecting, my eyes fell on Ernst, who was staring at me with his mouth agape. The look on his face was one of pure horror. Melchior was trying in vain to revive him, shaking him and calling his name, cursing me the whole time. After a few moments of staring, I broke away and ran all the way home with my head and heart pounding.