I do not own Merlin.
So, here it is. The Moment of Truth. Well, maybe not the WHOLE truth. But I think you might have waited for that conversation...
Again I'd like to thank you all for the brilliant encouragement you are showing with your reviews, follows and favourites. I love you guys!
WARNING: This chapter contains explicit scenes!
Moment of Truth
Arthur swallows hard. If he goes by the look on Merlin's face, whatever is going to come next cannot be good. Dread settles in his stomach and he unintentionally holds his breath. He fleetingly wonders if maybe Merlin has some kind of deadly or contagious disease.
Merlin is struggling to speak, and when he finally lifts his eyes to face Arthur there is anguish written all over it. For Merlin this is the crunch point, where everything that has barely started can end. It has come far too soon. Merlin would have liked to hold onto that exhilarating feeling of happiness a little bit longer. But there's no way he wants to deceive Arthur about what he would be letting himself in for. He understands that this man opposite him has already put his whole self on the line for him.
"I have haphephobia," he says in a shaky voice, and when Arthur looks at him questioningly, he adds: "Fear of being touched." And then Merlin goes on to describe his condition factually. He sighs heavily once he's finished and his head sinks to his chest as he waits for Arthur's verdict.
There is silence to start with and then Arthur recapitulates. "Right, so if I get this correctly, it means you can't be touched on your chest and your back."
Merlin just nods.
"At all?" Arthur wonders with a little quiver in his voice.
Merlin shakes his head in silence, while panic is rising steadily in his chest.
"I assume that explains what happened at your office?" It is a statement rather than a question and Merlin nods again. He doesn't realize he is visibly shaking now.
"And that reaction can happen any time when someone touches you there?"
Merlin manages a strangled affirmative noise.
"Fuck, Merlin." Arthur sits down on the chair behind him and goes all silent, trying to process the news. This means he can't touch Merlin properly, not in a way most people do. He is obviously okay with kissing, which is some kind of relief, but as for the rest… It is difficult to imagine how this would work out on a daily basis if they wanted to be together. He loves touching. Always has.
This whole thing with Merlin seems to become more complicated by the second. And a tiny part inside him tells him that he should quit this now. No doubt, it would be the most sensible thing to do. He knows that he's taking an incredible risk with following his feelings. He is in fact putting his position in society on the line, not to mention that he is still married and that his father will probably try to disinherit him if he finds out. It would be the perfect scandal for the tabloid press. Shit, they would really go to town with a story like that. Arthur Pendragon in gay relationship! He can see the headlines already.
And this latest revelation … does not exactly make things easier. How can you have a proper relationship with a person you can't hug, can't cuddle or hold close. His heart aches at the thought. Because that's something he has always missed and always wanted badly.
"I'm so sorry, Arthur," Merlin pushes, his face panic-struck and riddled with guilt. He has seen the tightening of Arthur's jaw muscles and noticed how his eyes have darkened. Furthermore he can sense how he's suddenly withdrawn. Merlin shakes his head in defeat. He doesn't want to hear the devastating words he expects, so he offers Arthur an easy get-away clause.
"I know I should have mentioned this much sooner," he says, swallowing hard. "And I fully understand if you don't want to deal with this."
Merlin hesitates before he adds hoarsely, "I should have never started this…before you had a chance to say no." And at that he is shaking his head again, and turns round because he can't bear to look at Arthur any longer. It's also much easier to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.
Arthur hears the words and weighs them up in his mind. Would it have made a difference if Merlin had told him sooner? They had been drawn to each other right from day one. Felt a pull towards each other whenever they met. It has always been as if they were meant to be. Would he have said no to this, if he'd known before he really got involved? Arthur isn't sure, can't be sure, but, the way he sees it, this isn't something relevant now.
Because he is damn well in love. And he can't switch this feeling off now, just because Merlin turns out to be even more different than he thought.
Arthur walks up to Merlin, grabs his shoulders and slowly turns him round so Merlin's facing him. What he sees is like a stab in his heart. Merlin's hands are clenched into fists and his body is shaking from the effort of keeping calm. His lips are pressed together in a thin line and he has paled even further. All in all he looks utterly devastated.
Suddenly it is almost as if he can feel Merlin's pain and he understands how much it has cost Merlin to tell him and that he expects to be rejected.
And then Arthur takes the next step and puts himself into Merlin's shoes. He can't even start to imagine how this feels for Merlin. He doesn't know for how long Merlin has been like this but it must hellish not to be able to hold or embrace another living person. It is what makes you feel warm and cherished. And loved. He understands that more than many other people. Not to have that at all must be a nightmare, he should know, and it must make Merlin very lonely, just like him.
Still, Merlin has just made clear that he won't hold it against him if he takes a sharp exit now.
"You want me to give up on you, now that I've just found you?" Arthur asks quietly.
Merlin lets out a voiceless sob. "I don't want you to feel obliged to stay."
"Fuck, Merlin. You think I'm that shallow?" Arthur has made his decision. He hasn't been brought up to give up easily. He has been taught to fight for the things he wants. And he wants this. Wants Merlin. He is not going to throw in the towel at the first hurdle. Any hurdle in fact.
And with those words Arthur grabs Merlin's hand to brush his lips gently over it. They stand for a second, quietly, facing and measuring each other.
"Show me," Arthur finally says and he sounds so determined, almost bossy, actually. "Show me what I can and can't do."
Merlin tightens his hand around Arthur's, stunned by complete disbelief. Arthur seems to be willing to take a chance with him. Merlin searches his face, looking for any signs he might change his mind any second, but Arthur just stands there waiting expectantly what Merlin's going to say. At this moment Arthur feels very much like his shining knight in armour who has turned up at the right time to save him from the curse that's been destroying him slowly.
There is a moment of awkwardness before Merlin starts to unbutton his shirt hesitantly. When he's done, he slides it off and puts in on the chair next to him. He is wearing a white neat T-shirt underneath. When Arthur motions to pull it off, he quietly shakes his head. Showing Arthur his scars is one step too much for him at this time. He simply can't. Having to explain what happened. He still feels the humiliation of the abuse and the embarrassment for the way he looks now. He feels so damaged because of it. Of course the time will come to tell. But he can only take one step at a time.
Then Merlin takes Arthur's hand and draws a line across his collarbones.
"You can touch everything above," Merlin whispers. Then he does the same across his hipbones. "Anything below." And he gives Arthur a coy look when he says it.
"Shoulders are okay most times and legs, too," Merlin sums up and wonders how Arthur will react.
"We will try to work this out together," Arthur says and puts his right hand on Merlin's cheek. Surely there are ways they can get round this problem of Merlin's. Surely there are doctors that can help. Treatments that are successful. He has got the means, there must be something he can do. And he wipes the dampness on Merlin's cheek away.
Merlin wants to believe him so much, he doesn't want to think any further than this moment in time, and so he nods and manages a tiny smile.
"Arthur." It comes out as a croak. "This won't be easy."
"Nothing ever is," Arthur replies and he smiles fondly.
Merlin is so overwhelmed by the sheer relief and happiness spreading inside him that he is strangely unsure what to do next. But Arthur is taking charge now.
"So it is okay here and here?" Arthur mumbles placing a slow, knee weakening kiss on Merlin's neck and then another one on the soft spot behind his ears. Merlin gasps as a hot flush of want rushes through him.
"Okay there?" Arthur continues his trails of kisses across his chin and up his ears.
Merlin shudders. His ears are definitely, definitely one of his most erogenous zones. Arthur nips along the outer shell of his right ear which sends a shiver of want through his body immediately, leaving an array of goose bumps behind. The sensation caused by Arthur's sharp little bites sets him ablaze with a needy desire that goes straight to his cock.
"Mmmh. You like your ears being touched," Arthur mumbles huskily, and he grins mischievously while he draws his attentions to the other one.
"Need to sit down," Merlin pushes out a second later. It is no wonder his knees have turned to jelly, so standing is simply no longer an option. He sinks onto a chair while Arthur's hands travel to his shoulders, lightly stroking and running his fingertips all over his neck and the tender hollows above his collar bones.
Merlin is tingling as a whole now and his gold is starting to react like a wild animal. His aching cock is pressed hard against the tight confines of his jeans and the urge for more friction and Arthur is growing more urgent by the second.
"Arthur. I need to…" he groans and impatiently opens a few buttons of Arthur's shirt so he can slip his hands underneath it. He is desperate to touch and when he does Arthur hitches his breath. It's as if Merlin's hands are alive with electricity and every tiny touch is magnified a thousand fold. It's like being on fire with arousal and want.
And then Merlin pulls him down onto his lap, bucking his hips against Arthur's, while drawing his head in so their lips can meet yet again. Arthur takes note how Merlin manages to maintain a safe distance between their chests. But there is no point dwelling on the thought because the taste of Merlin's mouth and the feel of his hard length pressing against him almost undo him there and then.
He moans loudly, but with it, a sigh of frustration escapes him. He slowly pulls back and his forehead drops against Merlin's.
"Shit. I can't stay just now…," he whispers unwillingly and searches Merlin's face for his reaction.
"We don't need to rush this," Merlin replies with a tender smile as he cups Arthur's face gently before he places a warm kiss on his lips.
"I know you have to go." And at that they entangle slowly and reluctantly. "You want to come back later?" Merlin throws Arthur a cheeky grin. "To deal with unfinished business?"
Arthur groans. "Someone try to keep me," he mutters while he gets himself into a decent state. "I'll let you know when I can get away from the office," he says into Merlin's ear when he is brushing his lips against Merlin's cheek.
And then he is out of the door swiftly, almost in a hurry, partly because he really should have been at the office ages ago and partly because he isn't sure he will be able to keep his hands off Merlin if he stays any minute longer.
Merlin is standing in the hall staring at the closing door and tries to comprehend what has happened. He can still smell Arthur's scent on his skin and taste his mouth on his lips. But he can hardly believe that all this was real. Arthur accepting him despite his debility. Accepting that he is different. Wanting him just as much as he longs for him.
Evening can't come soon enough. Merlin hasn't been required at Rapport today, so he's had enough time to prepare for this. A bit of cleaning was overdue anyway and cooking has never been a chore. He has always enjoyed it and has gone out of his way to make a special meal. The table is set beautifully in chocolate brown and silver and Merlin is just lighting a candle when the bell goes.
His heart thumps when he opens the door.
"Hi," Arthur says with a lopsided grin, but he looks dead beat.
Merlin pulls him inside the flat and then leans into him for a kiss. And Arthur returns it hungrily. God, he could get used to this.
"You look exhausted," Merlin mumbles when they come apart.
"Heavy day," Arthur replies thinking back to the acid discussion he had with Uther about Stratton earlier.
"Want to talk about it?" Merlin offers and puts his hand on Arthur's arm.
"Hmmm." Arthur doesn't want to spoil this moment with talk of Uther, but he is still totally uptight about it. He searches Merlin's eyes realizing it is most unlikely that he can fool the man opposite him.
"I don't want to ruin this," Arthur says with a furrow on his brow.
"Now YOU are an imbecile," Merlin grins. "Come here."
"Have you got anything comfy to wear with you?" Merlin asks and when Arthur nods, he simply says, "Go and get changed and I'll see you in a minute."
Five minutes later Arthur sits on the soft sofa-chair wearing grey jogging pants and a short sleeved black T-shirt. It hugs every little muscle on his chest and shows off his trained physique to his advantage. Merlin has trouble tearing his eyes away, but this isn't what he is here for at the moment.
"Shall I help you to relax?" Merlin asks and Arthur understands what the question entails. "Do your magic, Merlin," he answers and grins when he sees the other blushing. Merlin does blush a lot - he has noticed and he finds it rather endearing.
Merlin puts his hands on Arthur's shoulders and he can feel the gold flowing into him instantly.
"Ahhhh," Arthur sighs in relief as his muscles untangle and his mind stops turning over and over again.
And then, just like before, he suddenly feels keen to talk. About Stratton and how annoyed his father is at him for pushing this through at the board against his will. How Uther tries to throw one obstacle after the other into his way to make it impossible to save the factory. How he had to fight all afternoon to get things sorted and Uther neutralized.
And as he pours his heart out he suddenly understands what Gaius meant. About walking through the door into his soul. Merlin simply enables him to open up and to vocalize his feelings, but it is him who is in the driving seat when it comes to giving up what's going on inside him. And he is grateful that Merlin allows him to do that. No it's more than grateful. He's awed by the power Merlin possesses.
Finally Arthur stops and leans back with a huge sigh. He suddenly feels so mellow and relaxed and calm and cared for. He raises his hand to put it on Merlin's that is still resting on his shoulder.
"This really is like magic." Arthur squeezes Merlin's hand. "And so bloody good."
And then he gets up slowly to turn round to Merlin who's watching him intently.
"You saved all those jobs." He beams at Arthur. "And the livelihood of so many people. You're absolutely amazing."
Arthur's heart misses a beat at the praise. This isn't something he's used to. Someone applauding his actions. Someone taking a real interest in what he does. Someone who appreciates him, Arthur, as a person. And then his stomach grumbles.
"Something smells really good here, Merlin," he changes the subject.
Merlin's face splits into a devastating smile. "Come on, let's eat."
Arthur is stunned when he is placed at a table fit for a posh restaurant. Merlin pours some red wine and lifts his glass at Arthur.
"Just enjoy your meal," he says. Arthur's jaw drops when Merlin serves his scallops and black pudding starter.
"This is incredible," he says at his first bite. He has always enjoyed eating good food and certainly appreciates the effort. And Merlin's cooking IS excellent.
"Stuffed breast of chicken wrapped in Parma ham with sauted potatoes and green leaves." Merlin is quite chuffed when he sees Arthur devouring the main course with his eyes first and then doesn't say another word for about five minutes while he savours every mouthful of food.
It isn't only that the meal is absolutely delicious. To enjoy the domesticity of eating homemade food in a laid back atmosphere is something he's never experienced before like this. It was always big dinner halls and formality. But this is cosy and homely and there's the strong sense that he belongs here. In this flat. With Merlin. And for the first time in his life he feels totally at ease with himself. With who he is and what he does. And it's all because of Merlin.
"Are you okay?" Merlin asks, having noticed that Arthur has stopped eating and staring at his napkin.
"Very okay," Arthur replies hoarsely. "This was fantastic. Thank you."
"Pleased you enjoyed it." Merlin beams at him like a school-boy who's been told he's done well. Who would have thought this could make his heart flutter so hard it almost takes his breath away?
"Dessert?" Merlin grins at him, his eyebrows raised.
Arthur gets up to put some dishes into the sink. When he turns round he pulls Merlin in by his wrist. "I could think of something." He says huskily as he searches Merlin's mouth.
They both have waited so long for this, and when their lips meet their kiss becomes urgent immediately. Arthur pushes Merlin against the worktop holding onto his shoulders and presses his hips hard against Merlin's, while his tongue is plunging into Merlin's mouth. Merlin stifles a moan when he grabs Arthur's hips and grinds against them desperate for some much needed friction. This is so overwhelmingly good, so achingly hot, his cock is twitching in acute anticipation. Feeling Arthur's arousal against his lets desire flare in his chest, and he grabs the blonde by the hand.
"Come on…" he whispers and finds Arthur's mouth again. And then they are making their way to the bedroom, never letting go of each other while grappling at buttons and shirts, virtually tearing off jeans and jogging pants, and leaving a trail of clothes behind them on the floor.
When they finally end up front of the bed there is a sudden pause. Merlin senses Arthur's hesitation.
"Alright?" Merlin gently lifts his hand to cup his face.
"Merlin…." Arthur's is very quiet. "You know, I'e never …."
Merlin places a soft kiss in the corner of Arthur's mouth. "Just trust your instincts," he reassures him. "And I'll be there to look after you." He smiles tenderly while he runs his fingers through Arthur's hair.
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," Merlin whispers into Arthur's ear while his hands are starting to move over his chest, lightly skimming over the smooth skin. They are very close now. Close enough for Arthur to feel the heat of Merlin's body, but far enough for Merlin not to have his chest touched.
"I want you." Arthur's eyes are dark and full of desire. Merlin crushes his lips on Arthur's again, licking and biting, while his hands are exploring every inch of Arthur's chest impatiently.
And Arthur relaxes and sighs. He feels safe with Merlin and trusts him with his body and his mind. He leans into the touch that sends little spikes of want through every fibre of his body right down to his cock, rock solid and desperate for relief already. Merlin pulls Arthur's pants off slowly, followed by his own. The only thing Merlin's wearing now is the white T-shirt.
For a moment they stand and stare at each other in amazement.
"You are the most gorgeous man I've ever seen," Merlin croaks, as his eyes wander over Arthur's finely-toned chest, his refined muscles and his strong shoulders leading to that fucking edible neck. It leaves Merlin breathless enough, but his heart virtually stops when his gaze gets caught by that fabulous cock bobbing invitingly in front of his hips. It is flushed and hot and soaked with precome. It's near impossible to take his eyes off again.
Arthur's eyes have settled on Merlin too, taking in his long limbs and his legs. God. He just looks incredible, and for just a second Arthur wishes that bloody T-shirt away, so he can see all of Merlin. All he wants is to get close, but he isn't quite sure how, without touching Merlin's chest and back.
But Merlin is already guiding him towards the bed and Arthur complies more than willingly, spreading himself readily on the sheets under Merlin.
A thrill races through Arthur like wildfire, an urgency he needs to satisfy and his breath hitches when Merlin straddles him, undulating his hips passionately against his hard length. Merlin is leaning as low over him as he can, resting on his elbows next to Arthur's body. His lips brush his collarbone and Arthur moans softly trail hot when Merlin trails sweet little wet kisses over his heated skin, while his hands are threading through the soft blonde curls on Arthur's chest.
Merlin slowly moves south, making sure every bit of bare flesh is covered by a touch or a lick. His tongue circles Arthur's nipples and his teeth nip and bite them until Arthur groans in agony. His hips are bucking helplessly into Merlin seeking some relief from the tension building up inside him.
"Just touch me, Merlin," Arthur pushes out, his voice deep and throaty. This is getting too much. He can't stand waiting any longer. He needs to be touched. Now.
Merlin chuckles quietly at Arthur's urgency. "Not yet. Arthur. Not yet." And then he shifts a little, spreads Arthur's legs and settles between them. He revels at the sight of the beautiful man offering himself underneath him, his eyes dark with wanton and his fists clenched at his sides in sweet anguish.
Merlin's cock twitches violently at the sight as he draws silvery threads of precome over Arthur's stomach. Merlin bends over and follows their pattern with his tongue licking and prodding at the soft skin. He can feel Arthur tensing under him when he follows his happy trail and stop short before his cock.
"Please." Arthur is panting breathily now, hardly able to utter the one word, awash with intense arousal and anticipation. But Merlin moves past his cock and starts cherishing his balls instead, sucking the hairy flesh, kneading it with his lips, biting it just soft enough not to hurt and hard enough to send Arthur into a wild frenzy.
Then Merlin finally gives into Arthur's wishes and when his hand grabs Arthur's shaft firmly, the blonde takes a sharp intake of breath. A tidal wave of pleasure rolls over him. He is unable to stifle his moans any longer because he is more than ready, more than aroused and the thought of Merlin doing that to him is almost enough to send him over the edge. His cock is slick with arousal and Merlin makes most of it, dragging his thumb over the head, massaging it in circles and then slowly sliding his hand up and down, while his tongue continues to caress his balls.
"I won't last much longer," Arthur gasps and shivers in disappointment when Merlin lets go of him. But a second later he feels the warmth of Merlin's mouth wrapped around his aching sensitive cock, and he cries out at the intense sensation swarming in all directions. Merlin takes him in deep, as deep as he possibly can, and then his lips hollow and he sucks and pulls, while his eager tongue flicks and licks at the smooth hot flesh.
He is driving Arthur nearly out of his mind as he mercilessly works him and Arthur locks his fingers in Merlin's hair needing to hold onto something to keep him sane.
When Arthur looks down on Merlin, the view of his gorgeous lips working their way up and down his length and his cheeks hollowing with every suck is all he needs to fall apart. He gasps Merlin's name as his hips are thrusting forward hard and his fingers are digging into his shoulders. He mind goes totally blank for a second and then he spirals into the depth of the most intense release he can remember. His whole body shudders from it as he spills into Merlin's mouth and feels him swallow.
"Fuck," He moans breathlessly a few seconds later as he sinks back on the covers sated, hot and sweaty and his insides still quivering from the afterglow. Merlin is right beside him now, running his thumb tenderly over his cheek.
"Not so bad then?" he teases Arthur whose brain is slowly starting to function again.
"Not totally wrong. No." Arthur barely manages to speak and finds Merlin's mouth instead. He can taste himself as his tongue swirls over Merlin's lips, and he groans at the mere thought of it.
"I didn't know that this could be so ..." Arthur is momentarily lost for words.
"So bloody amazing?" Merlin grins at him now, incredibly pleased that he is responsible for Arthur's stunned silence, that he is the one able to make that brilliant, beautiful man feel like that.
"No need to be smug." Arthur grins back at him. "I'll get my own back," he says as his hand moves down to find Merlin's cock.
"Argh!" Merlin shouts out at the sudden contact. His cock is begging for attention, hard and slippery with arousal and it slides easily in Arthur's palm. To have Arthur touch him like that is overwhelmingly beautiful. Merlin gasps at the feather light strokes and he bucks into Arthur's hands impatiently.
"Tough, the waiting, isn't it?" Arthur smiles as his other hand starts stroking Merlin's balls, pulling at the hair and swirling his fingers around each gland. Merlin's breathing is getting heavier by the second and he knows that he can't stand this agony for very long. He is so close. His gold is whirling inside him like a hurricane, ready to sweep him away at any time. Arthur's thumb is running along from his balls to the crack behind it and the mere suggestion of what it could do there drives Merlin to the edge.
Arthur has increased the pressure of his touch now, moving his hand long and slow. Merlin has given himself completely up to the sweet attack, is just a picture of sheer surrender.
"God, look at you," Arthur whispers, full of want and affection. His voice, so blissed out and awed, is enough to spark Merlin off. His chest arches upwards and then he loses himself completely spurting all over Arthur's stomach and hands.
"Arthur," he mumbles, totally spent, as he sinks back on the pillows while Arthur bends over him, copying what Merlin did earlier, resting on his elbows so there is an inch of air between their chests. Then he drops his head into the hollow of Merlin's shoulder, seeking intimacy and closeness and breathing in Merlin's scent does just that.
And then they lie next to each other, their fingers entwined, their arms touching, and both content, both feeling they've come home. That this is it. And fuck the consequences.
Once Merlin has cleaned them up, they settle easily next to each other, sated and tired. Merlin is drifting off to sleep when Arthur suddenly rustles.
"What happens if I touch you while I'm asleep?" There is worry in his voice. "I have no control over where my arms and legs go."
"No idea," Merlin mumbles. He used to sleep with a separate blanket when he was with Edwin. But he can't even think of doing that with Arthur. He needs and wants to feel the warmth of his body when he falls asleep.
"Guess we will find out," he says drowsily, rubbing his hand lovingly over Arthur's back and letting some soothing gold flood into his body. "Don't worry about it, Arthur," Merlin whispers. "Just let's sleep."
And that is what they do, but Merlin takes a note that he must phone Lance the next day. There is something he needs to find out about. Urgently.
So this is the beginning, but where are they going to go from here?