Chapter 10 – Temperature Fluctuations
Waking up was rarely a pleasant experience, but that day I hurried to get ready. The steady shower revived me, washing away the lethargy from prolonged sleep. Standing in front of the closet, I wished Alice were there to give me a wardrobe opinion. Should I wear something professional or try something daring? I decided on a combination of the two - a blue satin blouse under a black jacket. A pair of sleek dress pants gave a flattering fit. I finished the look with a pair of wedge-heeled ankle boots. Surveying myself in the mirror, I decided it was the perfect combination of sexy and suave.
My hair was another battle. While I liked the way it fell down my back, it could easily become a snare trap in the wind. I gave the weather outside a passing glance before braiding back a front section of hair. This would keep them out of my face while still allowing my bronze ringlets some freedom. Pleased with my effort, I hoped it was effective in catching his eye.
In the sitting room, I leafed through some stray magazines to bide away the time. It was only nine o'clock, and while I knew it was inevitable that I would see him eventually – it was his hotel - I had no idea when.
As if he had read my thoughts, there was a knock at the door. I forced myself to approach it slowly so as not to appear too eager. My heart would undoubtedly betray my efforts as it thudded loudly. What if he could hear me breathing from the other side of the door? I stopped and listened for a moment, trying to hear him. Crap, Renesmee. Smarten up.
Giving in, I tore open the door. I smiled when I saw him standing with another bouquet of lilies for me.
"You'll spoil me," I warned him. "Thank you." Swoon.
I took the flowers and added them to yesterday's arrangement, which were still filling the role of floral air freshener.
"Should I not?" he returned. "Pretty flowers - for a pretty woman."
I felt the warmth in my cheeks as the pink covered my ivory skin.
"Maybe roses next time," he considered. "To match your coloring."
No, I hadn't managed to hide anything, but he didn't seem offended by my reaction. Actually, he seemed quite pleased. I swallowed hard, wondering if I would ever get used to the fire in my throat when he was around. With the mild irritation came butterflies, desire, and anticipation. It was a trade-off I welcomed.
"I don't want to keep you from your guests," I assured him. "I would rather my presence didn't completely throw off your schedule." Offer to go with him. This is the perfect chance for you to be around them.
"You could never be a burden," he quickly countered, daring me to argue. "I seldom interact directly with the patrons."
Well there goes that idea. How could he develop a true sense of human behavior if he didn't interact with them directly? He ran his hand along the side of my cheek and my curiosity dissipated, replaced with a tingling sensation that remained on my skin where his fingers had been. While not as intense as prior contact with Nahuel, it was no less shocking. Nor did it solidify the liquefied feeling in my knees, which caused me to lean into him for support.
I felt the heat from his body, the smooth muscles in his chest tightening under my hand, but it wasn't a stiffening of dread. We stood there like that for a moment, and I felt his pulse quicken along with mine. Each pounded into my palm and I wanted to stay there forever; the drums beat out my own personal song.
He was neither embarrassed nor surprised by my reaction to him. The physical contact we'd made hadn't caused him to cringe in disgust as I might have expected based on previous experiences with similar feelings.
"We will sail today," he announced, breaking my reverie. "My yacht is prepared for us."
I spent the stroll to the pier hoping I wouldn't get seasick. He held my hand again along the way, and I liked the idea of being claimed.
The atmosphere wasn't rushed there. Steps were taken in an unnaturally slow-motion pace. At least they seemed unnatural to me since I had spent a large portion of my life with vampires, who regardless of their ability to act human, had a tendency to speed things up in private. Each step took the walker in the direction that they wanted to go, not had to go. Nahuel looked over at me and smiled. In that moment, I wanted to progress slower still, drawing out and lengthening our time together.
I didn't get sick, thankfully. The gentle rocking of the boat settled my nerves. We spent the morning drifting and taking in the views of the Atlantic.
Nahuel briefed me on the differences in Buenos Aires, the wealthy North versus the working-class South. From the water it was easy to see the line drawn between them. I hadn't been able to figure out why he had chosen the city until he explained that. One side was ever-expanding ocean, and the other side was an endless grassland.
"We are so much like the city," he said, sighing "Split."
The city was full of contrasts. Like Nahuel and I, it pulled from opposite directions.
"I know what you mean," I agreed, moving over to stand beside him. "But we are neither the North nor the South. We are the lines that separate and define them."
"It's not a line so much as districts," he explained. "We have multiple options. We can choose from three paths. You've not yet decided which path to take. Once you have chosen your path you will understand the difference."
My indecision was obvious, and he knew that this part of my venture would involve weighing those options. I'd only considered two. Had he decided? Was he keeping his decision quiet because he was afraid it would alter mine? It might.
"Three?"
"Yes," he replied. "The middle is the easiest course. It involves neither being a vampire nor a human - you can be both. I am not referring to a mental decision to gravitate one way or the other, but an actual physical choice."
My confused expression had him continuing, "In theory, you could be bitten, physically transformed into a full vampire. In fact, you can also go the other way. I have tested the truth in the second choice. I spent two years as humans do: eating, sleeping, and aging."
That revelation left me without words. He was different, visibly older than the seventeen year old boy that had appeared in the meadow with Alice and Jasper. The possibility existed to live with humans, eating and continuing through their short life cycle. I could grow old, afflicted with that mortal weakness.
On the other side more appealing questions arose. Could I have a family like the one picnicking on the beach? They likely wouldn't be as well-behaved, but then again, they wouldn't have the 'stranger danger radar' most human children were programmed with.
Looking back to my previous stint as a mortal, I knew the answer. Eating human food brought with it imperfection, basic functions that I had found bothersome at the time. If my reproductive functions could ignite, then it would seem only logical that I could do as he was suggesting. While it was only a theory, and something I might never wish, having the choice to be a mother delighted me.
I couldn't help but consider the opposite end of the spectrum, too. If bitten, I would no longer lag next to my vampire family. I could finally be an equal to them, no longer slowing their progression. I would lose the mask which allowed me to exist alongside humans, but would gain much more. I would be faster, stronger, and more powerful. This option was equally thrilling, leaving me more confused than I was to begin with.
If I made no choice I would be stuck in the center, never fully achieving either potential. Yet I could continue to taste both worlds with flavors on either side evenly appealing. It was the selfish choice, the unfair choice. Should you have your cake and eat it too?
With this realization I understood his father's desire to create our kind experimentally. Joham could have been creating hybrids to find a positive medium to both worlds, with the desired result to unite both species. The idea of him trying to bind all creatures together changed my perception of him.
"I can see the thought process behind your father's experimentation," I admitted.
"Yes," Nahuel agreed. "Only recently I have done the same. It's been a frustrating process for me, torn between anger and awe. I have difficult moments believing blood must be shed to provide peace. Humans and vampires alike share that misconception."
"And you are sure about fully becoming human?" I wondered. "I mean, I see the aged skin..."
"I am venomous, Renesmee," he stated. "Neither my sisters nor you are. When I took on the challenge of being human, it took only months for the shift to begin. I started to age, very slowly at first, barely noticeable. After about a year, I was advancing as mortals. Their time-line was my own. This is when the venom finally filtered out of my blood. But, as you know, the vampire side is very enticing. I lost my way, and here I am middling once more. So that choice was not permanent. Becoming a vampire promises permanency. This is why that side of the coin is merely a speculation, a theory. It can't be taken back. It makes sense though, the ability to shift. Mortality is such a brief thing, temporary. I feel that if I had someone with me we could maintain mortality together. Two are stronger than one, yes? Sometimes, though not often, I wish my father was here so I could work through and hypothesize on certain things."
"You'd like to be human?" I pried, trying to figure it out. "That is the side you gravitate toward?"
That was different than how I felt. My natural pull was toward the vampire side. He was constantly surrounded by mortals, while immortality had always blanketed me. It was a difference in how we were raised, how we developed, and how we existed.
"I'm not sure," he admitted. "I am not a scientist. I am an artist with passion about my sight, my feelings. I'm not swayed by the mechanics behind the machine."
"You miss not being able to ask his opinion," I noted. "You miss him."
"No," he replied, sure of this. "What he did, even with valid intentions, was wrong. Cross-breeding should not happen. The Volturi were right in their reaction. They have refined wisdom. It's shameful that they are viewed by many with such disdain. They create balance when others would destroy both sides - mortal and immortal. It is a difficult position to need to see another side, especially when you are sitting so content on the opposite one."
Cross-breeding should not happen. This replayed in my mind, and while I wasn't sure what I thought about it, I did know that neither he nor I would exist if fate was never tested.
We might never share the same opinion in regards to the Volturi, but my view was biased. They had tried to kill me, after all. It was difficult for me to view that as a logical decision when it was so personal to me.
"They drink human blood," I argued.
"Humans fight to protect animal rights; yet they eat animals," he countered, slowly calculating. "Food chains."
He gripped the side of the boat so tightly that I saw the pressurized white of his knuckles. I understood his struggle and was facing the same one that didn't seem to have an end in sight. Unlike me, he wasn't new to such things and had long lengths of time to accept what he was. Was middle ground the easiest route?
"I asked you a question before," I spoke, saving us from our silence. "What changed for you?"
Nahuel removed his hands from the boat's side to turn away from me. I had hurt him to the point that he couldn't even look at me.
I cautiously reached my hand toward him to take away his discontent. He shook under my touch, and I thought I might have frightened him. Instead of taking, I gave him a vision, something peaceful and serene that would help him. Flipping through the pictures, I could think of nothing better than a replay of the speech he gave in the meadow. I added memories I thought related. The worry. The fear. I flashed brief encounters prior to and after he had saved us. I wanted him to see himself as we viewed him, how I viewed him. I wanted him to feel safe in opening up to me by showing him I felt the same.
He turned, and I couldn't tell whether he was distraught, angry, or happy, because every expression displayed at once. He was full of emotion, and though the wind was strong, rocking the boat, I could still smell his tropical perfume. My stomach lifted, and I prayed that I wasn't getting sea-sick. I felt dizzy, but not nauseated. The butterflies were scattered, chaotic. They might soon rip from my skin and spill out, fluttering around us in a sight of spectacular glory.
"You can show," he said, his voice overpowering the crashing waves. "But your view is one-sided."
Are you saying I am narrow-minded? I rebutted him, but the words wouldn't pass my lips.
Instead, I agreed, "I am very selfish. I'm trying to work on that."
Was this the moment I'd dreaded, where he would tell me I wasn't good enough for him? Would he explain that the feelings were not reciprocated? Better now than months from now, when I was completely lost to him. I wasn't as saddened as I expected. Defense replaced worry when I considered that he hadn't properly received my gift – that was a pretty low blow to my ego. It was the only thing I had never doubted or questioned the strength and clarity of. I fumed, folding my arms tightly across my chest in a defiant pose.
"No, no," he countered, his conflicted expression shifting to concern. "You misunderstand."
"Now I can't understand?" I spat. What's wrong with you? Stop arguing with him.
"Please," he said, gesturing to the bench seat. "Sit with me. I will explain everything. Don't be upset with me. Please."
His urgency perplexed me and instantly stilled the rocking rage. Why would something so trivial make me lose control? Sighing, I remembered it had been forty-eight hours since I had last hunted, and while I rarely needed to feed more than once every few weeks, the humidity mandated that I replenish my supply much sooner. Between that and the consistent elevation in my heart rate, I was due for a snack. I tried to ignore the hunger, the burn rippling in my throat.
We sat, and he gently took hold of my hand. I marveled over the differences in our skin tone, his caramel coloring impossibly dark against my ivory. I didn't take my eyes away until he used his free hand to lightly lift my chin and forced me to face him. My skin sizzled in response to his touch.
"Things were very different for me," he began. "My upbringing was not quite the same, as you know."
I nodded, staring into the warm of his teak irises. Concentrate on his words, not the sound of his voice. He is actually talking to you; listen to him.
"I spent years full of regret, tormented by my very existence," he continued, body shaking at the severity of his words. "I was a killer, an abomination. I was a creature spawned from two worlds that would never openly accept me. I deserved this. I murdered my own mother. How could I think I deserved life?"
He was right, and I could never know how that torment lingered in his heart. He regretted living. My entire family, a family he never had and could never have, loved me more than anything. They fought for me, cherished me, and were without regret for my continuation of life. I wasn't their end. I was their beginning.
"I cannot explain to you how very troubled I have been," he added.
"I'm sorry," I explained, tears forming because I truly was sorry for all that he had been through.
I couldn't change the past for him, but as genetically similar as we were, we could never overcome that major difference. Our pasts were opposite. Could our future find a central connection? Neither he nor I were individual balance. Would the two of us, together, create balance?
"You have nothing to apologize for," he said, wiping the liquid away. "You saved me when you were just a small child."
"I saved you?"
"You saved me from grief. You saved me from anger. You saved me from hatred," he declared. "When I saw you in the field, I couldn't know how your presence would impact me. I came as a favor to Alice, who as you know, is impossible to deny."
I laughed lightly. He knew her well enough to know she was good at getting her way, a power-talking extraordinaire.
"When I saw you, saw how so many came to stand beside you, to witness, something in me changed forever," he continued. "I began to understand that there could be something more, and that what had happened was not my fault. I was the consequence of some great tragedy, but I didn't have to live my life in regret."
I smiled wider then, in knowing the effect my family could have on people. It weighed on my heart to be unable to share this moment with them. They would need to understand, how their love saved someone's soul. It would please them to have done something so right. It would redeem their opinion of themselves, which was evil by default. If Nahuel could see this and grow, they could as well. Maybe he could offer them the same kind of release they had offered him in his witnessing of their boundless love.
"You still do not fully understand," he explained. "Their love, it encircles you. You are not a tragedy. You are the light that fights the darkness. You are the center of everything that holds them together. Your importance, which you cannot yet see, is beyond any power in existence. I have waited my whole life for someone like you."
"And here I am," I said, fresh pink painting my cheeks. You make it so easy to believe.
"So to answer your question," he said in a serious tone. "What changed me? You changed me. To have you here now, right next to me, I could scream from delight. I am sorry for the...refrain. I felt if I came out with all of this in the beginning, when you were already so overwhelmed...I thought you would run. I didn't think you were ready to hear it. I wanted to give you some time to adjust, but I find that the more that I am with you the harder it is to keep anything from you. What you give, you give so freely, and I fear that I may not be able to stop taking. I needed to give you something back in order to even the ground between us."
Even if we had been standing on solid ground – which we weren't – it wouldn't have been even. He wanted me. He more than wanted me. There was no doubt in his mind. His course was set. We were so very alike, on opposite ends of the spectrum. I felt my chest swell, the feelings within dancing to the accelerando drumbeat. He had to have heard it, because I could hear it over the waves crashing into the side of the boat.
Nahuel leaned forward, and I lost myself in the smell of his skin. When his lips hovered inches from mine, my breath hitched. I pulled his aroma into me, tasting the sweetened fruit in the air that was him. His lips were soft, giving, and the warm expanse sent shock-waves through me.
I'd felt like that only once before in my life, and while I didn't want to think about it then, not in that moment, his face appeared in my mind. My first kiss - the greatest learning experience of my life - was nothing like that. Roughly two years prior, I had kissed Jacob Black. For the first fragment of a second, I had thought he might have died. His body had stiffened, went completely rigid. He had forcefully detached from me, disappearing into the woods where he had instantly phased. He hadn't returned to human form for two full weeks. It had happened that quickly. In that split second, I had changed both of our lives. Consequently, I had also changed the lives of everyone connected to our life strings.
I'd kissed Jacob with all the passion I felt renewed for Nahuel. Where Jacob had froze, Nahuel melded to me. My stray hair ensnared his hands as he wound them through it. I lost control of my lungs, unable to decide which of us was breathing. He touched my lips, my cheeks. Time flowed freely, no mark possible.
If not for the jolt of the boat reconnecting with the dock, I wouldn't have known we were moving. Still in a dizzy haze from the kiss, I trailed behind him to the hotel. The ground, which should have seemed steadier without constant movement, was more disorienting than the consistent rock of the water.
I was less than thankful when he dropped me off at the door, brushing his lips on both my cheeks. At that moment I wanted him to come inside, because I was not ready for him to leave. Thankfully, he hadn't lost his good sense. He left me there alone to regain composure, and I leaned against the door frame for support.
It wasn't until much later that my head stopped spinning, and I was glad he hadn't taken advantage of my obvious weakness. Laughing lightly to myself, I thought Dad would approve. I won't be telling him this. Maybe I could tell Mom. No...that wouldn't work very well either. Leah, then.
I moved to the laptop and flipped it open. The flashing icon pleased me, because it meant that I had a new message in my email inbox.
Dear Nessie,
Wow. That's...definitely exciting. I have the house to myself today. Seth is watching their TV and eating food they have to be buying for him, because it's not like they eat, you know. I'm pretty sure they don't realize he's a wolf. I don't think he realizes he is a wolf either. Maybe in some past life he was like...a vampire bat. At least then he could fly away!
So the guy...that's a twist I didn't see coming. Kiss him yet? I don't want you sparing details. Torturing certain wolves is expected. He's making so many rules lately. I wish I could put this all away, take a break from it. If I had a good reason, something to try for, maybe it would be easier to keep from phasing.
Sam and Emily are finally getting hitched, in about a month. I'm not really sure how to feel about that. Wish you were here. Living vicariously through your little love story helps, oddly enough. At least one of us might get a happily ever after, you know?
Anyway, Seth passed out. Go figure. I have to clean up his mess before the vampires come back and have a tantrum.
Take care, and try not to do anything I wouldn't do. Ha!
Leah
Her words dampened my euphoric feeling. She'd only casually mentioned it, but Sam and Emily getting married would not be something she would take lightly. Could she find the strength to wash herself from all of it? More than anything, she wanted the ability to have her own family. If she was able to give up phasing for long enough, to put away that side of herself, maybe she could have that. If I could be human, she could too. She was mostly human already. I imagined us neighbors with our kids playing together in the back yard. While our faces were perfectly visible, there were clouds covering the faces of the men at our sides. I shuddered.
Dear Leah,
Don't worry about the mess Seth leaves. It will give them something to do to break up their neat, tidy existence. It doesn't surprise me they would cater to his needs. He's nearly impossible to resist.
I had a wonderful day with Nahuel. We went sailing, which was not the greatest part of the adventure. We kissed! Not a friendly little peck on the cheek. It was different, impossibly difficult to turn away from. I feel so...uninhibited with him, happy.
We had a long talk, and I figured out a lot of things. I haven't made any decisions, but one thing is clear. We were meant for each other, something beyond biology.
The most important thing I realized is that I have a choice. I can become human if I want to - live a full life that comes to an end as normal things should. And it would change me, change what I am. I am wondering if you don't have the same opportunity. If you could stop phasing, stop the shift, I am wondering if the lock of time that keeps you frozen, that keeps you from fulfilling your dreams of a family, has a key. What if the key is forcing time forward, the warmth of potential melting away what keeps you stuck in what you are. Would that be the added incentive you might need to try?
I want to share my happiness with you, to give you a piece of it. Maybe this idea is the closest I can come to helping you find your amity.
Give Seth a kick and a kiss from me!
Love you both!
Nessie
The silence disturbed me once the clicking on the keyboard halted. I realized that I had something to write about. There were facts that needed to be documented. Moving to the bed, I finally lifted the journal that Carlisle had given me from the stand.
Entry 1 – A beginning. I have three options. 1. Vampire. 2. Human 3. Both. Each option provides a unique opportunity. Each has negative consequences that cannot be overlooked. I have not decided which potential is best for me, but I will investigate as best I can all possibilities by writing a list of pros and cons. Whichever list is larger, I will have to assume my subconscious is helping me make the choice I cannot seem to make consciously. Hybrids age in human form. It is not a temporary shift. You cannot rewind time. If living a human life, it is a full human life. The option exists to return to dual state. Tested by Nahuel – now two years older. Once shifted, normal human biology ensues. Once shifting back to dual state, functions cease. No - not cease. Functions freeze. They aren't dead, aren't without the ability to exist. They are frozen, dormant.
Closing the binding, I felt the hunger build again in my throat. I wondered if Nahuel had plans to take me hunting, but I couldn't wait around either and risk appearing too needy. I pushed away the strain, finding it more appealing to sleep than to worry about the burn. Tomorrow, I promised myself, which calmed me enough that I easily drifted off. Deeply lost in the pillow, all cravings stilled as I slept.