A/N: Warnings for infidelity.
chapter ten: longing
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
Of things unknown but longed for still
"Caged Bird" - Maya Angelou
Three weeks after Azula flees her home in the dead of the night, Iroh is sleeping fitfully in the Jasmine Dragon. He has had two break ins of late, as well as the stress he has been suffering after leaving the Fire Nation. It is shameful that he found himself leaving without contributing to the redemption of his brother, but he honestly does not see the willpower to change.
When Azula carried Ty Lee's body through the streets in tears, he saw she could change. Ozai is too far gone.
The distressing nature of things in the Fire Nation make him worry upon occasion that things will go awry there. And he knows he should have loyalty to his family and their well being. But he felt relieved to leave the tension that he thought he escaped long ago.
He does not know if his family will ever be whole. And he has stopped trying to make it so, and he does not think any of his relatives are trying either.
But that is in the past, and now he can devote himself to a life of calmness and contentedness.
Then, as he is about to fall asleep, he hears a loud noise downstairs and cursing in a feminine voice. Clearing his throat, he breathes in and gets out of bed. Perhaps he will catch the vandals this time, and give them a very stern lecture about the direction of their lives, because he is getting very frustrated with the idea of thieves giving him so much trouble.
When he reaches the kitchen, it is entirely dark. The window is broken with glass trailing across the floor. He illuminates the room with his flame, treading carefully to the intruder. He sees in the light that the glass is speckled with fresh blood. And the whimpering reveals that this is not the brightest thief, which Iroh supposes will make his work much more easy.
He pushes open the door to the pantry and is blinded by blue.
"Sorry! Sorry! Forget I ─ ouch ─ You can't just go opening doors while people are alone! I mean, sorry!"
"Azula?" Iroh blinks several times before lighting the lamp in the pantry. A thousand types of tea, each unique. All expensive.
And amongst the tea is his niece, clumsily trying to bandage one of her hands, with the other ablaze as she squints in the light she produces.
"How did you get here?" Iroh asks in bewilderment and she examines him as if he is crazy for inquiring.
"I needed to get away," Azula says, as if discussing a shopping trip to relieve her stress. Not sneaking into a city she is not allowed in by law, breaking into Iroh's tea shop and clearly having been gone for at least a month in order to get to Ba Sing Se from the Fire Nation.
"That is understandable... but I would have appreciated a warning to prepare for guests." Pause. "And also for you not to break my window."
"I'm doing what I can," Azula snarls haughtily and Iroh advances on her.
"Do you mind if I touch you?" he asks and she rolls her eyes in response.
He takes her hand hesitantly and she grits her teeth at how he now sees her as fragile. That question enrages her more than, "Are you the one who went crazy?" People have been asking it so often in her family. It is something they refuse to acknowledge, but something they seem to see every time they look at her, which Azula finds utterly disgusting.
She is more than that.
"Does your family know that you are here?" Iroh asks as he carefully examines her wounds. He feels slightly nervous about the contact with her hand after what Ursa told him about Ozai, but she does not seem to care as she grits her teeth through the pain.
"No. If I told them they would try to stop me," Azula replies sharply, still seeming dumbfounded that Iroh is clueless to her actions. She always has been selfish... though Iroh supposes he is selfish as well.
"This looks bad... How about I patch you up and you explain why you are halfway across the world from your wife and daughter," Iroh offers tenderly and Azula sees through him. Some manipulate with fear, others with superfluous kindness.
"Alright, Uncle," Azula sighs, acting as if it is an inconvenience. Iroh sees through her. Some hide with silence, others with great show.
He walks with her to his apartment upstairs and gestures to the table. She sits down, picking at the glass in her hand and wincing every time. Biting his lip, Iroh reaches into the cabinets and withdraws a box of medical supplies. He is not quite stocked for such an injury, but he will make do.
"Are you going to seek violent revenge on my window? I think I should let it know if you are," Iroh jokes and Azula laughs. He feels a wave of relief.
"I'm here because you owe me," Azula says as he tries to undo the mess she made trying to bandage herself.
"What do I owe you?" Iroh asks, genuinely puzzled. Azula breathes in sharply as he plucks out a shard of glass.
"You gave Zuko a childhood. You gave him everything. You fixed him and I deserve that too," Azula says breathlessly, her tone close to pained. Iroh plucks out another piece of glass, swallowing. It is not a request he ever expected from her.
"I still remember our talk by the pier, all those years ago," Iroh says, plucking out another piece of glass. Azula winces at this one and he quietly apologizes. "We have been in similar situations."
"I never thanked you," Azula says and Iroh raises his eyebrows, surprised. "You were the one who told them I could change. I mean, I was completely playing all of you at the time and pretending to love Ty Lee but... a marriage and a child later, and an entire reform... you were right."
Iroh is not sure what to say. This is surprising but welcome behavior from Azula. She has matured a good deal over the years, but around the time of Azusami's birth she became more erratic, reverting to her old ways more easily. Violent, sometimes unstable.
"Speaking of your marriage and child, they are probably very worried about you. I should write a letter to them before the whole army comes looking for you," Iroh jokes and Azula grimaces.
"One time I skipped school and my father sent the whole army after me," she says and Iroh laughs. She breathes a small sigh of relief; she had feared he would be angry that she turned up uninvited. "Look, Uncle, I... I'm not able to be a part of my daughter's life until I overcome these... these issues inside of me. And I can't do this alone. I mean, believe me, I don't want to ask you for help. But you seem like the only person... who can."
Azula's expression is pained the entire time she explains herself to him. He finishes rummaging for paper, ink and a pen and studies her closely.
"Tell me more," Iroh says gently, and at first she looks like she is going to burn down his apartment, but then she takes a deep breath.
"Every morning, I drag myself out of my nightmares and... there's no relief," Azula admits, examining her fingernails. "I can't... I can't live like a normal person and I'm done with it and I'm done putting Azusami and Ty Lee through it. They both would be a thousand times better off without me."
"You need to think about the truth of the matter," Iroh offers and Azula scoffs.
"The truth of the matter is that I have no idea why I'm not just dead and I should be dead and it would be best for everyone if I was just dead. My daughter would better grow up with a dead mother than something like me," Azula snaps and Iroh would have never expected it from her lips.
Even in her darkest hours, she seemed confident in herself. Azula wishing she were dead is not something Iroh ever thought he would hear. And he does not know what to do. He notices thing, something, not someone. And that concerns him.
Azula continues, as Iroh knows he should listen for as long as he can to make her feel heard and not lectured, with, "I was supposed to be so... I was destined for greatness, I was born lucky and my father poured resources into me and people respected and feared and loved me and wanted to be me. But now... I just... the fire died. I am nothing. And I never will be."
Iroh blinks. Azula does not think he understands and she does not know why she expected him to.
"I have put them both through so much. And I... I'm not what Ty Lee fell in love with and that sickens me. And I'm nowhere near qualified to raise a child without royally fucking her up. I think I hate her but I don't... maybe I do. When she was little I resented her for just draining my soul and I bet she remembers that." Silence. "Who the fuck decided that it had to take a thousand times as long to put yourself together as it takes to fall apart?"
"Uh..." Iroh does not think he has ever been so speechless, and he feels terrible for it. He wants to help her. There is nothing more he wants than to help Azula and to make up for their past. But she now is in hysterics, gasping, looking about to combust, and he is not used to it.
"It's not like it matters. I'm going to bed," Azula finally says, her voice cool and calm, confusing Iroh further.
"I will write the letter," he suggests, but she is already gone into his guest room, slamming the door behind her and flopping onto the cushy green bed.
Azula tosses and turns all night. This whole country smells wrong, and she does not know why she decided to come to the fucking Earth Kingdom. Of course, she supposed it was because Uncle was so helpful to Zuko in his time of need, but now he is just a clueless old man, probably just to spite Azula, of course.
She remembers this room. Being cramped in here with her broken leg, climbing out of that window and the sensation of letting her bending burst free.
Azula never asked Aang why he couldn't do it. He tried, oh he tried, to take her bending like Ozai. And he was so ashamed of not being able that he roped her into hiding it. Ridiculous.
Cautiously, Azula walks to the window and pries it open. The air smells like spring mud and something burning down the street. She steps up onto the windowsill and drops down, landing on the roof.
She walks, following her footsteps, lighting her fingertips gently. She does not shear buildings in half with a raze of blue, like she did then. But for a little while, she feels free.
And the fact that being away from her family makes her feel free disturbs her to the very core.
[X]
In the Fire Nation, Ty Lee has sunk to a very deep, low, dark place in her life. She thought she would be strong enough to handle Azula abandoning her. Ty Lee is a powerful person who can take care of herself, and has restarted her life more times than she can count on one hand. But this is different.
This hurts worse than birth, worse than rebirth and worse than death. Because she does not know what to do with herself or her daughter, and she has no idea how to even begin.
All of the longing makes so little sense. All of the crying she does not understand, because she should move on and be brave and not just be wallowing and waiting for her wife to return. It will do nothing for her, nothing good at least.
"You okay?" Mai asks, leaning on the doorway. Ty Lee has just been staring at the ceiling, as if she is catatonic. It is starting to disturb Mai. "Do you want something to eat? Have you eaten?"
"I... I don't know," is always Ty Lee's response.
Mai takes a few careful strides into the muggy room and sits on the bed beside Ty Lee. She stares at her feet for a moment. Words are not her gift, and she does not know how to remedy this situation. But it is incredibly hard to see Ty Lee this way.
"Azula loves you. She just needs time," Mai says and Ty Lee can only sigh.
"I'm starting to wonder if I'm hoping for nothing. Like a widow who still waits for her husband to come home from war," Ty Lee murmurs and Mai takes a deep breath.
"Azusami needs you. You can't just wallow in Azula forever." Silence.
"Yes, yes I can. And you can't just order me to stop missing her. Wanting her," Ty Lee snaps and Mai just gets up, shaking her head and leaving.
Ty Lee needs more patience, but Mai has none of it. Moping around and neglecting her child is sickening. So Azula is horrible. How surprising.
The Fire Lady just grits her teeth and walks away.
[X]
When Azula crawls back through the window, she sees Iroh finishing the letter and tying it to a messenger hawk. The princess waits with bated breath before slipping back outside and striking the bird down with a single, calculated burst of cerulean.
As it collapses to the ground, she collects it, disposes it, and goes to bed, relieved that no one will know where she is.
In the morning, Azula sits with Iroh at breakfast, sipping her tea, which is remarkably good. She does not know how he makes hot water and leaves taste so wonderful, but it is probably his only real talent.
"I don't actually know what I want," Azula says and Iroh is again surprised by her openness. He thinks she genuinely is seeking his help and guidance, and he is having trouble thinking of ways to help her.
"It can be hard to figure out," Iroh says with a shrug and Azula sighs loudly.
"Where is your infinite fucking wisdom?" Azula snaps and Iroh's neck bones tense for a flicker of a second. "Someone is finally asking for your advice, and suddenly you run out?"
Iroh hesitates. "Why do you not think you are right for your daughter and wife? They love you, and you love them."
Azula hesitates. "Because I make their lives worse. I'm my father... I can't do that to them. At least until I cure myself or something."
"You are not your father."
"How would you know?" Azula snaps and Iroh breathes in deeply. "You left with Zuko when I was a child. And now you live here in Ba Sing Se, removed from our family and with no clue what goes on. The past three years have been the absolute worst of my life and that is including the asylum and the Boiling Rock. But it's not Azusami's fault and it's... it's not Ty Lee's. There's something wrong with me."
Iroh does not expect this kind of observation from Azula. And then he realizes that the reason he does not expect this kind of observation is because he views her to be just like Ozai. He frowns into his tea at that thought.
"Your father did all he could to make you be like him, but you do not have to follow in his footsteps. Mine did the same and, well, he destroyed cultures and I run a tea shop and give unwarranted advice to young people for fun," Iroh says and Azula wonders if she should laugh or not. He does not.
Azula pauses. "I have two parts of me debating right now. One part says that I'm never going to escape what I was born and brought up to be. And the other part says, 'I agree.'"
Iroh picks at his lips and tries to choose the right words to say. "I want to help you break those chains of your past. I do."
"Then help me," Azula replies and Iroh nods.
[X]
Two months into Azula's stay in Ba Sing Se, Azusami finds Ty Lee curled on the sofa, staring at the wall, as she has taken up doing of late. The little girl clambers up onto the couch and forces herself into her mom's arms. Ty Lee holds her, although it feels slightly hollow.
"Hi, baby girl," Ty Lee says softly, stroking Azusami's soft raven hair. "Do you need something?"
"When is mother coming home?" Azusami inquires softly and Ty Lee bites back tears. "I miss her." Pause. "Did she leave because of me? Because...?"
Ty Lee knows Azusami is talking about the night before Azula left, when Azula screamed at her for no reason. Screamed that she did not want her. It fills Ty Lee with the bile of rage. Azula has maddened her for decades but Ty Lee has never been so angry at the woman she has loved for so long.
"It isn't because of you. It's never because of you. There are things about your mother you don't understand yet. But you will, when you're older. I promise," Ty Lee says and Azusami looks dissatisfied. "It'll be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."
Azusami just gently sets her head on Ty Lee and tries to fall asleep. Their family is torn to pieces because of Azula, and Ty Lee has never hated her so much.
The next day, she is crying, and Zuko comes to console her, of all people.
"Are you okay?" he asks, sitting down beside her. She just squints at him.
"Of course not. I hate your sister and I hate myself and I don't even know what to do anymore," Ty Lee chokes through the sobs. Zuko takes a deep breath and tries to figure out how to approach this.
Zuko hesitates, unsure what to say, and then awkwardly hugs his sister-in-law. She sobs onto his shoulder and his clothes become damp, but he simply lets her hold onto him for as long as she needs to.
No one else is bothering to help Ty Lee, and so Zuko steps up.
It is the right thing to do, and Zuko has made a career out of doing the right thing when no one else would.
Ty Lee is grateful.
[X]
Azula has partially come to terms with herself over the course of her stay in Ba Sing Se, but she is still nowhere near satiated. Her uncle convinced her to keep busy with simplistic tasks, which she thinks is just him forcing his chores onto her, but she does have to admit the occupation with these things outside of politics and family has helped clear her head.
Iroh does not seem to find it odd that no one responded to his letter, which Azula is relieved about. She was concerned she would have to forge something, which would be immensely risky.
Azula confronts her Uncle after dropping a variety of dishes into the basin. She leans against the wall of the kitchen and watches him slowly stacking boxes of tea.
"We're not making nearly enough progress," she says sharply. "I'm still not ready."
Iroh hesitates. "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."
Azula rolls her eyes and he should have expected that response. "You've kept me busy and given me a bunch of riddles to solve but I still feel the same. I still feel... ugh. I don't know why I'm wasting my time with you. Either Zuko is much smarter than he lets on or you are a fraud."
Iroh does not respond; he waits for her to continue.
"All I want is to be able to teach my daughter how to firebend, to love my wife without hurting her and to somehow... not be me."
He looks up from his tea stacking at last. "There is nothing wrong with who you are, Azula. I do not know why you are so caught in that idea."
"I am a weapon and I don't know how to exist in this time of peace. I'm a mess, and my head is fucked and my life is horrible and I have always felt so trapped. Like something is pressing on my chest and won't get off, slowly crushing me," Azula says bitterly.
They have these arguments with regularity. Usually after she has a panic attack and he calms her. Or she becomes too frustrated with how he is trying to help her. Azula is used to everything coming easy to her, and she was raised by her father, and not her uncle or mother.
"I have a friend who can help you. He may understand you better than I can," Iroh says and Azula crosses her arms. "I am sorry that I did not give you a childhood and I am sorry for all the things I have done that you blame me for, or what you think you have missed out on. But if what you truly want is peace and control of your life, he will help you."
"Good."
Iroh nods, and gets in contact with his friend to help Azula.
He has tried and tried with her in a number of ways. But still she cannot move on and move past.
Still she wonders why she is not dead or why she has not killed herself.
And so he seeks an outside source.
Regret. Riddled with regret throughout his retirement. Throughout his entire life.
Hopefully he can make it up to her.
[X]
Ty Lee is crying in the living room again after tucking in Azusami, and Zuko is the one to find her. He supposes most people would just walk by and leave her, too afraid to interact, but he cannot help but help her. He never was very close with Ty Lee in their past; she was always Azula's right hand and therefore they were often at odds.
But he hates seeing her hurt like this. She tends to be the only positive person in the palace, and it is making everything far drearier.
He sits beside her and she wipes her eyes.
"Are you okay?" Zuko asks and she slowly shakes her head.
"I'm just thinking that I need to move on from her somehow. I need to just erase her from me..." Ty Lee murmurs, as much as it hurts. "It's been three months, Zuko. I don't think she's coming back."
Silence. Zuko clears his throat.
"I, uh, I don't really know how you would get over her. I mean, I'm sure you could but─"
"Zuko," Ty Lee says softly as they are alone together, "you've been the only one who's... really helped me through this."
Zuko rubs his neck. He does not know what to say to that. All he has done is what he is obliged to do as a decent human being. But Ty Lee does not have much experience with decent human beings, he supposes.
"It's really nothing," he says gently, patting her hand before feeling massively awkward. Ty Lee looks at him for a moment, her wide, glittering eyes studying his every feature. He does not know what to say as his heart starts to beat too fast. Zuko does not like how she is looking at him.
"Thank you for your kindness," Ty Lee whispers before leaning in towards him. His fingers tense as her lips graze against his and then press.
Zuko inhales sharply, mostly because he likes it and that terrifies him to the core. This is completely, utterly reprehensible and he cannot let himself sink to this level. But she sets her thigh between his legs and he closes his eyes, wondering whether or not he genuinely wants out of this situation.
Her fingertips are on his chest and he realizes that this is how she plans to erase Azula from herself, her mind and her life. Ty Lee's lips press fiercely against his again, as her hips are against his. He still is not moving, still knowing that he is too moral to let this happen.
But is he really? He does not know.
"I'm married," he finally says as her lips break away from his.
"So am I," is her response, as if this does not matter in the slightest. "Azula fucked Katara and I forgave her."
Bitterness in Ty Lee's words now. Anger at Azula for just ditching her as if it is not a big deal.
"I..." Zuko does not know what to say.
Her hands move to his pants and he does not resist. The warmth of her lips against his skin burns like fire. And her hips pressing against his as she invites herself onto his lap is exciting in a way he knows he will absolutely regret.
After a moment's hesitation, he slides his hands to her back and holds her in place, bringing a twitch of a smile to her coral pink lips.
She revels in it. She tries to forget Azula and sink into Zuko.
He enjoys it far more than is morally right.
[X]
On the other side of the world from her wife and brother fucking in a parlor, Azula is lost in the middle of the woods. The middle of fucking nowhere and her Uncle's letter has likely led her to some kind of terrifying trap. She has no idea what she is looking for or what she is supposed to be doing.
She keeps walking, however, desperately looking for anything that can help her. But she comes up short. Ugh. The frustration is impressive.
And then something latches onto her arm and yanks her into a tree, screaming so loudly that several birds are displaced from the trees with a loud fluttering of wings. Azula fights against the bond holding her above the forest floor, finally propelling herself decently enough with her bending to set her feet on a nearby tree and start to burn the thick rope holding her.
A trap. An actual trap. And she was just being cynical when she had those thoughts about Iroh.
"You are not who I was expecting," says a voice from below Azula as she burns away a few strands of rope.
"Who were you expecting? A hogmonkey?" Azula snarls, squinting at the old man. She finally frees herself and drops to the forest floor. "My uncle sent me out here to die apparently. If you're going to kill me and eat me just get it over with, will you? My feet hurt."
The old man cocks an eyebrow. "You're Iroh's niece?"
"You look familiar..." Azula murmurs.
"My name is Jeong Jeong, and the trap is there to keep out my enemies."
"Jeong Jeong... the deserter?" Azula's eyes flicker with realization. "You can't have that many enemies a decade after the Fire Nation was expunged from here."
"You overestimate the willingness of our nation to accept change. Come with me."
Azula swallows, having no idea if she should trust a paranoid lunatic who sets up traps in the woods and deserted the Fire Nation, but she is desperate to fix herself, and so she follows him.
[X]
"I've never been lonely with somebody else before."
A year after sneaking away in the night, Azula hears Ty Lee's voice in her head as she gently wakes up. She is in training clothes that do not fit right, in the forest, in a tent, and her back is incredibly sore. It does not even feel like an improvement from her uncle's apartment in Ba Sing Se, which is a great statement.
"Good, you're up," comes a voice she is unfamiliar with and she jumps up before recognizing Jeong Jeong, who she quickly remembers has adopted her as a student.
She always feels so disoriented when she wakes up, and she does not know why. She should be used to this ridiculous existence training with Jeong Jeong by now.
Azula has found more about herself, and more peace than she can imagine by working with him. Firebending. Through fire he helps her. Through his own self loathing, he understands. He knows what it is like to be a weapon but not want to harm those you love.
Iroh is wrong about most things, in Azula's mind, but he was right to send her to Jeong Jeong.
And never has Azula understood the concept of restraint as much as when Jeong Jeong teaches it.
"Start running," is Jeong Jeong's blunt introduction, and Azula obeys.
She runs through the woods, inhaling the bitter air that stings her lungs. Pushing herself to the limit before training and discussion and introspection. She removes herself from her destructive thoughts and focuses solely on bending and training.
Somehow, Jeong Jeong made what turned her into a monstrous mess into something that could heal her.
Soon, she thinks, she might be able to go home and run her family, instead of destroy them both.
But she has no idea that her family has gone on without her, as the egotistical often wind up.
Ty Lee lies with Zuko in bed. The first tryst they had ended with them slipping back on their clothes awkwardly, standing on opposite sides of the room and wondering what the fuck they had done and how they had ruined their lives.
But now they have grown together, closely knit. Ty Lee is starting to forget Azula and discover Zuko, which she must admit she finds pleasant.
"This feels incredibly wrong," Zuko says quietly as Ty Lee has her eyes closed, feeling as happy as she has felt since Azula abandoned she and Azusami.
"Maybe it is." Ty Lee shrugs and Zuko wishes she would care more.
"I can't even look Mai in the eyes anymore," he admits, furrowing his brow. He does not know how he wound up in bed with Ty Lee again, and he feels like a terrible person for it. Yet, she does not seem to care in the slightest.
"She doesn't have to know," Ty Lee whispers, kissing Zuko on the lips before he can respond.
But Ty Lee is wrong.
Very wrong.
[X]
Over a year after Azula left, "I know about you and Ty Lee," Mai says viciously to Zuko, and he nearly throws up on his shoes. "Don't think you can hide this from me, Zuko."
He has just walked into his room and she was pacing back and forth, tapping her fingers and waiting to confront him. She has a look of desire for murder in her amber eyes, the ones he struggles to make contact with. Zuko feels violently ill as she glares at him.
"I'm sorry," is all he can say and Mai grits her teeth.
"I'm sorry? That's it? That's all you have for me?" she snarls, stepping towards him. He can barely breathe, feeling like he is suffocating. "I'm leaving with Izumi until you grow up."
She shoves his shoulder on her way out of the room, not giving him the chance to have a conversation, to work it out or for him to try to explain himself.
Mai slips through his fingers before he can do anything to stop it. Zuko feels thoroughly and utterly powerless.
All feels lost.
[X]
It is the third month of Azula's training with Jeong Jeong, and he has just lit a circle of candles and gestured for Azula to sit down and meditate, offering to tell her how to do it properly.
"I know how to meditate," Azula snaps before the admonishing look from Jeong Jeong makes her uncomfortably clear her throat and sit down with her legs crossed and her palms on her knees. "Alright, alright, I'm doing it."
Jeong Jeong stands silently, making Azula squirm as she tries to clear her mind. He asked her to meditate on what gave her a reason to change in the first place. Azula retorted, "I had to change. I had no choice," to which Jeong Jeong insisted, "We always have a choice, and you chose redemption."
And so Azula closes her eyes, latching on to the candles around her. The room glows a gentle blue that Jeong Jeong is still fascinated by, although he does not let on about to keep from flattering Azula's already overlarge ego.
She rubs her face and closes her eyes again, inhale, exhale, the fire flickers.
The city is burning but the Avatar has it under control. Zuko managed to incite a rebellion and Azula winds up having a baby halfway through. As the people were going to rise up and kill their leaders, Azula is in labor, her fingernails digging into her mother's skin.
Azula did not want the baby. It had been ridiculous to cave in to Ty Lee, to do something she did not want to do with such a passion. Her mother is holding the newborn baby, which is small, and weird looking and Azula is just staring blankly at it.
"Do you want to hold her?" Ursa asks hesitantly, unsure how to deal with this situation.
"Yeah," Azula rasps, trying to steal a glance out of the window. She saw the Avatar and hopes that means she is not going to be murdered in this bed.
She stands up, which Ursa did not intend for her to do, and walks across the room, settling on a chair as her daughter is handed to her.
Azula cannot believe how something so perfect could come from such an imperfect body as hers.
She does not know this baby, not in the slightest. She does not know if it will betray her or grow up to hate her like she hates her mother.
But she loves her. She does not know how or why, but she loves her and her alert golden eyes and the way she stopped crying when placed in Azula's arms.
Azula forces her eyes open. It is a happy memory, but now it is poisonous to her. Jeong Jeong is waiting patiently as Azula swallows.
"I love my daughter," she admits, wondering why the words are so hard to say. "And I left her. For myself. I... I just don't want to fuck her up. I want her to stay perfect and happy and ignorant..."
Jeong Jeong pauses. "It is through selflessness we perfect ourselves, not selfishness."
"I'm not selfless, though," Azula says and Jeong Jeong examines her for a moment.
"You could be if you wanted to. But you would rather just take care of yourself. It is a mindset that is unsurprising for the Fire Nation Princess."
Azula wants to snap at him, but she licks her lips and closes her eyes again. His distaste for the Fire Nation is grating, but his knowledge of her struggles is more than helpful to her. And Azula will tolerate frustration for greater benefit.
Azula has just been told she has to go live with her uncle in Ba Sing Se. And for some reason Ty Lee has decided to come along. It has been several days of travel, and now Azula leans over the edge of the ship, staring at the waves. They splash and tear, ripping against the metal. It is oddly transfixing. She has lost the crown and half of the make-up, and she dug up a set of painful memories - her clothes from her quaint Ember Island vacation. She put them on to prove to herself that her memories cannot control her.
And they spiral out of control in her borderline solitude on this forced trip.
"You don't look so hot," Ty Lee remarks gently and Azula rubs rosy her lips together. She simply cannot escape the scrutiny of her friend... who might want to be more than friends.
"It's cold at sea," Azula replies carelessly without looking up.
"Don't jump in," Ty Lee orders with a tiny smirk and Azula laughs.
"As much as I would love to kill myself, I would miss the look on my mother's face when she realized it was all her fault," Azula says, a small smile creeping onto her pallid face. Ty Lee looks uneasy. "That's the only downside of dying."
"I would miss you if you died," Ty Lee says passionately, grabbing Azula's hand.
"Well, that's awfully selfish of you. You would keep me alive just to have me to yourself?" Azula purrs, enjoying it more than she should.
Ty Lee hesitates. Her big eyes sparkle and she looks as if she is being quizzed.
"Then I guess I'm pretty selfish." Ty Lee shrugs.
"Maybe we should throw somebody else overboard. Just for old time's sake," Azula sighs, faux wistfulness in her voice.
Ty Lee smirks.
Azula opens her eyes. She loves Ty Lee, Ty Lee loves her. And that girl sacrificed absolutely everything for Azula.
The princess toys with the candles as Jeong Jeong waits.
But Azula refuses to comment, and closes her eyes again.
Azula is crying, her knees touching her chin as she lies beneath silk sheets on a plush mattress. The tears stream from her gilded eyes and her shoulders shake with sobs.
And then someone touches her arm, pulling her closer. She looks to her father and does not know how to explain away her tears. She is ashamed and she does not know what to do.
"How long have you been crying?" he asks, a slight tenderness in his voice. She just shakes her head. He fell asleep two hours ago and she thinks the tears escaped around then, but her father does not need to know that.
"I..." Azula does not explain.
Her father pulls her to him and attempts to console her. But it feels hollow.
Azula opens her eyes and swallows.
"I want to practice with lightning," she declares as the candles turn a gentle orange.
Jeong Jeong studies her for a moment, decides she has made progress, and leaves the tent to go train with lightning. It clears his student's head, and he appreciates that.
He never intended to teach firebending again, nor work with someone formerly so nationalist. But Azula has been an intriguing experience for him, and he has appreciated it. He thinks he has helped a tormented soul, and her views of firebending are surprisingly similar to his, while he imagined they would be more in line with Ozai's or Zhao's.
She is the embodiment of control and restraint... with her bending at least.
Her mind is a different story.
[X]
A month after Mai leaves, Ursa does too. Zuko is not prepared for it, he is barely able to handle it. It just happens and that absolutely terrifies him. But it happens for a reason, and that reason is Former Fire Lord Ozai.
"None of them listened to me. None of them. I knew it would be a horrible idea to free you," Ursa snaps and Ozai is stunned that she is addressing him directly.
Zuko left the room in a fit of frustration after trying to talk to his mother and father. It was about Mai and Izumi, but they made it about themselves. He decided to just let them fight it out or ignore each other, because his life is crumbling and he does not have the patience to deal with his parents.
"It was Azula's decision," Ozai says with a shrug and Ursa inhales sharply.
"Everything we endured because of you is what made this family so sick and diseased," Ursa snarls, clenching her fists. "I don't know why Zuko and Azula were so alright with allowing you into Izumi and Azusami's lives. And now the family is falling apart. Azula ran away. Mai and Izumi are gone. Ty Lee and Azusami are probably next."
"And what about you?" Ozai asks, tired of this already.
"I don't know. I really don't," she says breathlessly. "But if it is the last thing I do, I will return you to prison, where you have always belonged."
She turns on her heel and he grabs her wrist, which she did not ever expect. He has been overly cautious with all of his family members, being nothing like the man he was before in attempt to gain their favor and forgiveness.
He presses his lips against hers, his hand pressed against her head. She bites down on his lip so hard her mouth fills with his blood.
She leaves the room with ferocity, spitting out blood not her own and going to pack her things.
Ursa has no desire to leave Zuko. Not in a time like this for him.
But she needs a few days. Just a few days away from this palace of ghosts.
She is gone for more than that.
[X]
Seven months into Azula's training with Jeong Jeong, Ty Lee is a girl in trouble. Or so her mother used to call it. She is a hundred and ten percent certain of her situation and it utterly terrifies her to the very core. Azusami is blissfully ignorant of the situation between her mother and her uncle's relationship, but Ty Lee thinks she will have some idea before long.
Because Ty Lee is planning to run away with her daughter, as ridiculous as that is. It feels like betraying her nation to run just because of her suspicion ─ which could be entirely wrong at this point. And with Mai and Ursa already gone, abandoning Zuko feels like an act of personal betrayal too.
Ty Lee packs up Azusami in the middle of the night, the little girl's eyes drooping as she yawns and tries to figure out what is going on. She clings to her mom as Ty Lee carries their bags and her daughter out of the palace, and slips away in the night without even saying goodbye.
She cannot face Zuko with this news. In fact, she can barely face herself with this news. It is far, far too painful.
She needs to get away.
She needs to.
[X]
After her family shattered without her knowledge, Azula packs her things, feeling confident in returning home. She finally feels as if the broken pieces of her body and mind have been put back together.
Jeong Jeong offers to take her home, and she is glad for it.
They depart at sunrise, leaving the forest behind.
But Azula has no idea what is awaiting her in the Fire Nation after an absence of over two years.